Author's Note: TW/CW: references to self-harm, mentions and descriptions of self-harm, anxiety, depression, trauma
Hi, friends! The first part of this chapter still heavily deals with self-harm. Stay safe! I'm glad you exist. You matter and you are loved.
Previous Chapter Summary: Sirius is reunited with Remus and Harry. Harry begins to sift through his emotions surrounding what happened. Harry has a therapy session with Remus. Harry continues to struggle with what happened and overhears Sirius and Remus talking which leads him to hurt himself.
Chapter summary: Minerva joins Remus and Sirius with Harry. Draco heals Harry's arm. Remus and Sirius talk to Harry and show him what really happened. Harry's depression gets worse. There's a full moon.
"Mr. Malfoy? Is everything alright?" Minerva asked, opening her door after the incessant pounding.
Draco shook his head. "It's Harry! And Professors Lupin and Black! Bring a first aid kit! They need you!" Draco cried.
"Where are they?" Minerva asked, her face tight with worry.
"Sixth floor, on the other side of the school," Draco replied.
Minerva thought for a moment before saying, "The Muggle Studies classroom is near there. We will floo there and go from there," Minerva said.
Draco nodded. He followed Minerva inside where she summoned a first aid kit and flooed with him to the classroom, and then followed his lead.
"What happened?" Minerva asked.
"Harry thought he heard the professors talking and thought they said that they didn't want him or something. He- uh," Draco stopped talking.
"I know what you're thinking, Mr. Malfoy. You can say it," Minerva said as gently as she could.
"He hurt himself," Draco said quietly. "I found him and tried to talk to him, and then Professor Lupin and Professor Black found us. Harry still wasn't in good shape and Professor Lupin told me to get you."
Minerva furrowed her eyebrows. If Remus was asking for her then she knew it was serious.
Draco and Minerva hurried their pace and it didn't take too much longer for them to find the three boys.
All were sitting on the ground. Remus was behind Harry and wrapped around him and Sirius wasn't too far off from them.
Minerva took a deep breath before gently placing a hand on Remus.
Remus turned his head and relief filled his face when he saw her.
"Harry, Grandma Min is here."
Harry turned his head and saw his grandmother giving him a warm smile. Harry let out a cry and tried to reach for her.
Remus let Harry go so he could give Minerva a long hug.
"I've got you, leanbh. I've got you," Minerva whispered.
After holding him for a while, Minerva started to whisper in his ear. "We need to sort out your arm."
Harry whimpered and shook his head.
"I know, I know. I'm going to be here the whole time. I'm going to set you down by your Moony Da so we can dress your arm. I'm right here. I'm staying right by you."
Harry knew that it would be fruitless fighting his grandmother. He nodded and felt her slowly help him down and back into Remus.
Remus once again wrapped his arms around him. Minerva went to one side and Sirius went to hold his arm out.
"Well, Mr. Malfoy, it's on you now," Minerva said.
Draco nodded. He's done this before, but it was more intimidating with an audience. He opened the first aid kit the brought and began to pull a few things out before starting to unwrap the shirt from Harry's arm.
Harry whimpered and Minerva held his hand tighter, whispering reassuring words in his ear.
"These aren't too deep, Harry," Draco murmured as he assessed the damage.
Harry turned his head into Minerva's shoulder.
"I've got you. Just take some deep breaths," Minerva soothed.
Remus couldn't help but remember being in the same position as Minerva, except it was Poppy tending to his wounds. James and Sirius had found him and gotten Minerva. Oh, how he hated to see his son in the same pain he was once in.
While Remus was launched into the past, Draco skillfully cleaned and dressed Harry's wounds and wrapped his arm up with a bandage.
"All done, Harry," Draco announced as he gently set Harry's arm down. "You did well."
Harry couldn't handle anything right now. He buried his head into Minerva.
"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy," Minerva said.
"Thank you, Draco. We appreciate it," Remus said, giving him a sincere nod.
"Of course," Draco replied. "I know a lot is going on right now. Is there anything else I can do?"
"I don't think so, but we'll let you know what happens," Sirius replied.
Draco nodded. He bent down and said, "Harry, you're safe now. I'll check on you later."
Harry mumbled something in response and Draco left Harry with his godparents and grandmother.
It was quiet for a moment before Remus spoke up. "Harry, can we move you back to our quarters? You'd probably be more comfortable there."
Harry shook his head with wide eyes.
"That's okay, we won't push you," Remus said.
"Harry, why don't you want to go back?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius," Remus began.
"No, Remus. Something's wrong. Harry, what happened? What'd you hear?" Sirius asked, getting closer to Harry.
Harry shook his head faster. This made it even harder. He didn't want to see them put on a scene. He didn't want to see them pretend to care.
"Sirius," Minerva warned, seeing how upset Harry was getting.
"Pup, I love you," Sirius said softly, reaching out a hand to touch Harry.
"NO!" Harry shouted. He pushed Sirius away and once again his hand made its way to his arm.
Remus gently removed Harry's hand from his bandaged arm and Harry whimpered, feeling out of control.
"Sirius!" Minerva hissed, going over to him. "What are you doing?"
"Minerva, Draco said that Harry thinks this is all about us. I can't have him thinking that when it's so wrong."
"Then talk to him. Don't push him," Minerva reminded him with a warning tone.
"You're right," Sirius said.
Meanwhile, Remus was comforting Harry. "Shh, I know. I know it's a lot right now."
"I- I can't-" Harry cried.
"You're safe. Take a breath. We're here for you and we love you."
Harry shook his head, disagreeing, but did as Remus said.
"Harry?" Sirius began gently, stepping forward.
Harry whimpered but didn't move.
"I don't know what you thought you heard, but it was not true. We love you so very much. We want to explain and we will do all of that and show you our memories, but we need to make sure you're safe first."
Harry heard what Sirius said, but he was so hurt that he was having trouble believing him.
Remus noticed this and started to whisper in his ear. "I know it's a lot to ask. Harry, besides today, have I given you any reason not to trust me in the past year?"
Harry thought hard before slowly shaking his head.
"Give me one chance to show you that you can still trust me. Do you think you can do that?"
Remus had a good point, but Harry was hesitant. Minerva noticed this and said, "Harry, I'm right here with you. I'm not leaving your side. I love you so much."
That was enough to put him over the edge.
"Okay," Harry whispered. "I'll trust you."
Remus felt like a load was lifted off his shoulders. "Thank you, Harry. I'm so proud of you," Remus replied as he squeezed him, still holding him.
Harry didn't reply but didn't fight the affection Remus was showing him, either.
"We're going to stay here and calm down before we start talking, alright Harry?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded.
"Lovely. Take some deep breaths with me, Love," Remus encouraged, gently moving his hands up and down Harry's arms.
Harry closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, trying to ignore the fact that he was on the ground in a corridor, in between Remus' legs as he held onto him, while Sirius and Minerva sat near him.
"You're safe, Harry. I've got you," Remus reminded him, feeling him tense up.
Harry fell into the trust he placed in Remus and relaxed. "Atta boy. You're safe. In through your nose and out through your mouth."
Deep, deep down, there was a part of Harry that knew how much his dads loved him, but it was too deep under the hurt to be heard.
Harry, Remus, Sirius, and Minerva stayed there for another 10 minutes until Remus was satisfied with how calm Harry was.
"Harry, we'd like to talk about what happened. Can we move to my office? You'll be able to see our memories there."
Harry slowly nodded.
"Brilliant. We'll help you," Remus reminded him softly.
Remus, Sirius, and Minerva helped Harry slowly walk to Remus' office. Once they got there, Remus took time for Harry to ground himself again before he spoke.
"Harry, is it alright if we talk before we see a memory? That way we know what memory to show?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. He supposed it made sense.
"You overheard something that upset you earlier, correct?" Remus began gently.
Harry nodded.
"When did you hear it?" Remus asked.
Harry took a shaky breath. "Dadfoot had joined you in the kitchen. I was, uh, well, having some not-great thoughts and I was going to get you, and then I heard you talking."
"Can you tell us what you heard?" Remus asked softly.
Harry took another shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to get this part over with. "I heard you say that I was like family but that I almost killed Dadfoot and you can't forget about me, but it would be easier if you could and that you're not fond of me."
Harry kept his eyes shut, wanting to disappear.
"Oh, Merlin! Harry, no! We weren't talking about you at all!" Sirius cried.
Harry began to shake.
"Harry, I'm right next to you," Minerva said softly. "Can I hold your hand?" She asked.
Harry nodded and Minerva slipped her hand into her grandson's.
"Harry, when you're ready we can explain and show you the memory. We are here for what you need," Remus said softly.
Harry took a couple of minutes to breathe, listen to Minerva, and also hold a cool ice pack that Remus had gotten for him. When he was ready, he opened his eyes to see two very loving and very worried godparents.
"Harry, may we explain?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded after a squeeze from Minerva.
"We weren't talking about you. We were talking about Professor Snape," Remus said.
Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "But you said that he almost took your life," Harry said to Sirius.
"You have never done that, first of all," Sirius said. "And I said that you're my life. He almost took you away from me."
"Oh," Harry said, trying to take it in.
"Why don't we show you the memory, hmm?" Remus prompted.
Harry stood up and the four of them all went into the Pensieve to watch Remus and Sirius' conversation.
Harry saw what they were talking about when we heard them, but the second half (after he had already gone back to his room) was not what he was expecting. He didn't know they were talking about Snape.
He was so sure that his dads were sick of him.
The part he didn't hear just showed how much they loved and cared for him.
Harry was silent for the rest of the memory until they came back out.
"Harry, we love you so much. We would never say or think anything like that," Sirius said.
Harry blinked and then burst into tears. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"Oh, Harry," Sirius said. He went over to Harry and hugged him. "You have no reason to apologize.
"But I did- and then I- and then you- and I-!" Harry cried as he started to hyperventilate as tears poured down his face.
He was so embarrassed and ashamed of what he'd done.
Sirius looked at Remus who could see what Harry was doing.
"Harry? Harry? You're okay. You're safe. Take some deep breaths," Remus encouraged him, slowly moving toward his son.
Remus eventually managed to once again get behind Harry and wrap himself around him.
"You are safe. You are loved. I've got you."
Harry was able to calm down some thanks to Remus, but internally he was at war and Remus could tell. He could smell the anger, frustration, and shame.
"Harry, you're our son. We love you. We're not mad at you and we would do anything for you."
"But I was wrong! And I did all of this and I was wrong!" Harry cried, hiccuping.
"You had big feelings. All of us understand. Harry, you don't need to feel ashamed. You've been through a lot. Just let us help you. We're here for you. We love you."
Harry finally let go. He started to cry once again but found himself relaxing and eventually falling asleep on Remus.
When Harry awoke, he found himself in Remus and Sirius' bed and each of them on one side of him.
Sirius was currently Padfoot and curled up near Harry's legs and Remus was reading a book.
Remus almost immediately could tell when Harry was awake. "Harry, welcome back. You're safe with Moony Da and Dadfoot."
Harry opened his mouth to speak but his mouth felt like cotton.
"Let me get you some water first, hm?" Remus said, noticing Harry's discomfort.
Harry nodded and Remus summoned a cup of water for Harry.
"There you are, Lovey. Slow sips."
Harry slowly sipped the water before handing it back to Remus. "Thanks," he murmured.
"How're you feeling?" Remus asked tenderly.
Harry shrugged.
Remus accepted that. "I understand. We'll take it slow. How's your arm feeling?"
Harry glanced at his bandage-clad arm. "Sore. Stiff."
Remus hummed and nodded. "How about we get you a pain potion for that?"
Harry nodded but didn't bother moving.
"I'll grab it," Remus assured him as he kissed Harry on the forehead before getting up and going to retrieve the potion.
"Padfoot. Padfoot," Harry whispered, patting his lap.
Padfoot popped his head up and slinked over to Harry's lap where Harry happily petted the dog.
Remus smiled as he returned. "Drink up."
Harry downed the potion and went back to petting Padfoot.
"Harry, we love you so much," Remus began.
Harry gulped and bit his tongue. He didn't like where this was going.
"We can't imagine our lives without you. You are our everything."
"But I thought I heard something else," Harry weakly protested.
Remus nodded. "I know. And that was scary and isolating, wasn't it?"
Harry nodded.
"I just want to remind you how much we love you. We would do anything for you."
"Even forget that this all happened?" Harry asked hopefully.
Padfoot snorted and Remus shook his head, giving Harry a sympathetic smile as he pushed a piece of hair behind his ear. "Ah, I don't think we're able to do that."
"Bugger," Harry said with his eyes on Padfoot.
"Harry, you only have to answer this if you feel comfortable, but when you were telling us what happened, you said that you were coming to find us because you wanted to hurt yourself."
Harry nodded.
"What thoughts were you having?"
"It was about Dadfoot and how I felt like I endangered you two. Gosh, that seems so far away now."
"You have had a busy few days, poor Cub. There's a lot to process there," Remus commented.
Harry nodded, not having the energy or words to say anything else.
"We're right by your side. We can't take your pain away, as much as we wish we could, but we are right by your side. You are not alone in any of this, Harry. We've got you."
Harry nodded as tears welled up in his eyes.
"It's okay to cry, Cub. You're safe here."
Harry nodded and fought the tears for a moment longer before they started to fall. Harry started to sob. He removed his hands from Padfoot and wrapped them around himself. Padfoot popped into Sirius and went on one side of Harry while Remus was on the other. The two men held Harry close as he cried, whispering reassurances and affirmations in his ear.
Eventually, Harry fell asleep again, too worn out by his own emotions.
Remus and Sirius were right by Harry as he began to recover mentally from the trauma he faced over the past week.
Remus and Sirius made sure he ate and drank and showered every few days (much to Harry's dismay).
Harry tried to talk to Remus about it and the werewolf completely understood.
"Harry, are you ready for your shower?" Remus asked as he popped his head into Harry's room.
Harry shook his head. "Not really. Can we just wait until another day?"
Remus gave Harry a sympathetic smile and slipped in, sitting on Harry's bed. "What's going on?"
Harry shrugged and played with some fringe on a blanket. "I'm just tired."
"I know it can be hard getting things done, especially things like showering. Does that seem difficult for you?"
Harry sighed. "Yes, but that sounds terrible. Like I'm lazy or a baby or want to stink or something."
"No, not at all!" Remus assured him. "People with depression struggle with daily tasks, including showering. It doesn't mean any of those things. I was the same way when I was your age."
"Really?" Harry asked, surprised.
Remus nodded. "Really."
"C-can you tell me more about it?" Harry asked, wanting to feel a little less alone.
"Of course," Remus said, smiling. "As I told you before, there were times when I had trouble getting out of bed, and that included showering. A few times I was pranked and sprayed, but that ended as we got older because they realized how difficult it was for me."
Harry nodded, quickly figuring out who Remus meant by 'they'.
"As we got older, especially once Sirius and I started dating, Sirius would help me into a shower or bath. Sometimes, all I could do is stand there, or sit there. I literally did not have enough energy to do anything else. Sirius would be so patient with me and help me. He still does, in fact."
"You still have days like that?"
"Of course. I've told you before that I have difficult days, and that includes taking care of myself. Sometimes we need someone to help take care of us when we can't do it ourselves. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong for asking for help."
Harry nodded and tried to digest what Remus was saying.
It was quiet for a minute before Remus spoke up again. "How about this? I can start the shower and all you have to do is be in there for a minute. You don't have to do anything else except just be in there."
Harry nodded slowly. "I can do that."
"Brilliant! I'll do that right now. I am so proud of you."
Harry gave Remus a weak smile as he ruffled his hair and retreated to the bathroom.
Remus came back within a minute and said, "I started the shower. The water is charmed so you can't adjust the temperature. You go in when you're ready."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said before Remus walked away.
"Anything for you," Remus said, smiling at Harry before giving him his space.
Harry waited a couple of minutes before slowly making his way to the bathroom. He peeled off his clothes before getting in the shower. Harry stood for a moment before sitting down. He grabbed a bar of soap and rubbed it on him as the water fell over him.
Harry sat there, letting the water do its thing, before standing up. He rubbed his body a bit before shutting it off and getting out.
Remus had a warm and fluffy towel waiting for him and Harry smiled despite his depression. He wrapped himself up and went back to his room to change. He didn't have to wait long for Remus to knock on the door and come in.
"How'd it go, Cub?"
Harry shrugged. "Okay. I sat for part of it and I used some soap, but that was it."
"That's incredible! I'm so proud of you. I know that took a lot of effort and it's not easy to do."
"It was just a shower, Moony Da," Harry protested weakly.
"It's a big thing when you're feeling this way. And small victories, Harry. Celebrate the small victories. You did this. I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself."
"I'll try," Harry promised.
"Good. What can I do for you right now?" Remus asked.
"Uh, nothing, I think. I just want to read right now."
"Okay, Cub. I'll check on you in a bit then," Remus said, kissing Harry's head before leaving.
Harry let out a breath after Remus shut the door.
Small victories. He could do this.
Remus and Sirius kept a close eye on Harry during his recovery. Harry was doing a bit better and was able to spend more time with them and talk more about his feelings.
Remus and Sirius were so proud of the progress Harry had made and wanted to keep it moving, but there was one thing they couldn't change. The full moon. They talked to Minerva about it after she visited Harry a couple of days before.
"I can stay here with Harry during the full moon," Sirius said. "He's still struggling so much."
"I hear you and I know how difficult it is that Harry is struggling. I also know that you need to be there for Remus."
"I'll be adequate by myself," Remus insisted.
"While that may be, your home was recently attacked. You should have someone with you."
Sirius sighed, knowing that was true. "Are you sure you and Albus will be okay with him? It's a lot right now. We love it, we do, but he needs lots of support."
Minerva smiled at Sirius. "Sirius, dear, I may have had experience doing this once or twice."
Sirius blushed, almost forgetting how much Minerva did for Remus. "He's our everything, Mum."
Minerva reached out and grabbed a hand of each of her former students. "I know. I promise I will take good care of him."
"If Harry's okay with it, then we'll go with it," Remus said.
When Harry woke up from his nap, Remus and Sirius went to go talk to him.
"Hey, Pup," Sirius said after knocking and being allowed in. "Moony Da and I wanted to talk to you for a moment. Nothing bad, just something coming up."
"O-okay," Harry agreed, sitting up.
"The full moon is coming up in a few days and we wanted to talk to you about it."
"Oh, yeah," Harry said, forgetting about it.
"We wanted to talk to you about some options," Remus said. "You can stay with Minerva or we can have Sirius stay back with you."
As much as Harry wanted to be with his godparents, he shook his head. "No, Dadfoot has to be with you. I'll be good with Grandma Min."
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "We don't mind at all. You're the most important person to us."
Harry nodded and tried to give them a reassuring smile. "I'm sure. I want you two to be together."
Remus slowly nodded. "Alright. If you change your mind, you can get us at any time, even if it's the night of the full moon."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said.
They talked about a few more specifics (including Harry having a session with Remus as soon as Remus was up to it after the full moon) before giving Harry space again.
On the day of the full moon, Remus and Sirius spent extra time with Harry before bringing him to Minerva's quarters.
"Hello, boys," Minerva smiled, welcoming them.
"Thanks so much, Mum," Remus said, kissing her on her cheek.
"Of course. I do enjoy spending time with my grandson," Minerva replied, giving Harry a warm smile.
"I-I'm going to set my stuff down," Harry said, hurrying away to his room.
"Poor boy is still hurting so much, isn't he?" Minerva asked, recognizing the empty look in Harry's eyes.
"Yeah, he is. He's doing better than he was and he hasn't tried to hurt himself, but he's in a low spot for sure," Remus said.
"I'll keep him safe, I promise," Minerva said.
"Thank you."
Harry came back out now and said goodbye to his parents before Minerva ushered him to the couch before he could go back to his room.
"I won't keep you long, but I do want to check in with you," Minerva said.
Harry nodded, holding a pillow close to him.
"You get me if you need anything at all. I'll grab you for meals and check on you before bed. I'm going to give you your space because I know you're sorting some things out, yeah?"
Harry nodded, relieved Minerva understood.
"One more thing. Professor Dumbledore wanted to stop by and check on you. Is that alright?"
"Of course," Harry replied immediately.
"Harry, Love. It's okay if it's not. I'm genuinely asking you," Minerva pointed out lightly.
Harry was taken aback but then genuinely thought. "I guess it's okay. Can you tell him I'm tired, though? I don't want it to last too long."
"Of course. Is there anything I can do before you go into your room?"
Harry shook his head.
"Alright, then. Off with you," Minerva smiled.
Harry had about half an hour to himself and the book he was reading when there was a soft knock at the door.
Harry knew who that was.
"Come in, Grandda," Harry said, propping himself up.
"Harry," Albus smiled. "How are you doing?"
""M okay. Tired."
"You have been through a lot," Dumbledore commented.
"Moony Da and Dadfoot are helping me," Harry insisted.
"I know they are. You are already doing better."
Harry glanced at his arm, still bandaged, and ignored the itch he felt. "What can I do for you, Grandda?"
"I wanted to remind you that I care about you and want the best for you. I've been worried about you."
Harry shrugged. "As I said, Moony Da and Dadfoot are helping me. They're making sure I stay safe."
"And that's a very important job. Are you going to be alright tonight with Professor McGonagall?"
Harry nodded. Yeah. I'm glad my godparents have a break, too."
Dumbledore chuckled. "I can tell you that they will spend most, if not all, of their time thinking about you. You are their life."
"I love them," Harry murmured.
"And they love you," Albus reassured him.
It was quiet for another moment before Albus said, "Enough heavy things. I have a new box of Every Flavour Beans I would enjoy going through with you if you're up for it."
A large part of Harry was screaming at him to insist that he was tired and that he just wanted some rest, but Harry knew that this would improve his mood, even if it was difficult to do.
"I'd love to, Grandda," Harry replied with a small smile.
So, Harry and Albus began eating a small box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.
It took a lot of energy out of Harry, but he felt better after it. Just a small amount, but better.
Small victories.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200