Author's Note: TW: references to self-harm and suicidal ideation
Hi friends! Please enjoy this chapter. I'll be on vacation next week so I (probably) won't be able to reply, BUT I would LOVE to read your comments! Please enjoy! xoxo!
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry is still in his depressive episode. Harry mishears his parents about their plan when he is staying home and thinks he is going to St. Mungos (he wasn't). Minerva, Sirius, and Remus all support Harry.
Chapter Summary: Harry has a therapy session with Remus. He gets to live a "normal life". Halloween rolls around and Harry finds out some life-changing information.
By Thursday, Harry was doing much better. He wasn't 100% yet, but he was getting there. Truthfully, he was a bit relieved when the afternoon rolled around and he had his therapy session with Remus.
Harry saw that the door was open and took a step inside. "Professor? Are you ready for me?"
Remus looked up, beaming. "Harry! Yes, please, come in!"
Harry shut the door softly behind him. He made his way to the couch and sat down, holding a pillow near him.
Remus got up from his desk chair and began to move to the armchair he usually sits in, but Harry spoke up.
"Uh, Moony Da, can you sit over here right now?"
"Of course, what's going on?" Remus asked, moving to sit next to Harry.
"Before we start I just want to sit with you, if that's okay."
"Of course it's okay," Remus assured his son. Remus sat down next to Harry and Harry immediately laid his head on Remus.
Remus' eyebrows creased in worry, but he made sure his energy and voice were calm. "I've got you, Cub. Moony Da is here."
Harry smiled and closed his eyes. He relished the soft feeling of Remus' cardigan and the smell of the fabric softener (lavender vanilla, of course) and a hint of chocolate and Padfoot.
Harry stayed on Remus for about ten minutes, not saying anything before sitting up. "I'm good, Moony Da. I just needed a few minutes."
"Are you sure?" Remus asked, trying to catch Harry's eyes.
Harry nodded. "I was okay and I'm still okay now. It's just been a lot the past few days and I wanted a few minutes to rest before we talked."
Remus nodded. "I understand that. We can end our session by doing the same thing if you want. It might give you another breather."
"That'll be nice, thanks," Harry replied.
"Of course," Remus said, giving him a kind smile.
"Speaking of the last few days, how are you feeling about it all?" Remus asked as he slowly moved his way back to his armchair.
Harry shrugged. "I feel better than I had before. It's been a lot but I'm just happy that I'm doing a little better."
"Yeah, it's nice when that fog clears, isn't it?"
"Yeah. It's a relief. I just want to be normal for a while."
Remus shifted in his chair and stayed quiet, waiting for Harry to continue speaking.
"I already have to deal with Voldemort. I just don't want to have any depressive episodes or fucking trauma for a little bit. Like I just want to look like any other 16-year-old. I want to play Quidditch and pull pranks and hang out with my friends. No one can control it, but man I just want a breather from it all."
Remus nodded, understanding. "That sounds frustrating."
"It is! And I feel like every time I turn the corner something is going to happen. I just want to enjoy myself."
Remus nodded, understanding how Harry feels.
"I know we're in a war and there's nothing anyone can do to stop that at this moment. It just sucks."
"Yeah, it does. It's really rough. How do you cope with it?" Remus asked.
Harry resisted rolling his eyes. "I go for a fly or I hang out with friends. When it's really bad I'll talk to you."
"Those are good strategies," Remus praised.
Harry shrugged.
"One thing I talked to the other therapists about when I went to St. Mungos is progressive muscle relaxation. It's a way to connect to your body and come back to the present. It can be helpful to calm down. Do you want to try it?"
Harry nodded.
"There are a few ways we can do this. We will start with your feet. I want you to put all your attention on them. Tighten them as hard as you can, and then relax."
Harry did as Remus said.
"Now, do the same thing with your calves."
Remus and Harry slowly worked up Harry's body with the relaxation exercise. When they were done, Remus instructed Harry to take some deep breaths.
"How does that make you feel?" Remus asked after a beat of silence.
"Pretty okay," Harry said.
Remus smiled. "I'll take pretty okay. This can help when you need to come back to the present, when you're panicking, or when you find yourself dissociating. I'll do it sometimes when I can't sleep."
"Oh, that's another good idea," Harry said, thinking.
"The more strategies we have to get through life, the easier it can be. We want to have a full toolbox and pull them out when we need them. Everyone needs coping strategies."
"Everyone?" Harry asked.
"Everyone. And everyone has them. Some are healthy and some are unhealthy, but everyone has them."
"I guess you're right. Voldemort's strategy is killing people."
Remus swallowed a surprised cough and nodded. "I guess that's right. We want to find better strategies than being a racist, homicidal wizard."
"Okay, fair enough," Harry agreed.
"I'm proud of you for being willing to work on another strategy with me. We will work on a new one next time, yeah?"
"Sounds good," Harry agreed.
"Brilliant. Now, tell me more about what's coming up for you," Remus said, readjusting himself in his chair.
Harry talked about the Gryffindor quidditch team and a game many of the Gryffindors played in the common room the other day. He appreciated that he could just talk to Remus about lighter things at the moment after dealing with something so heavy the past few days.
During a break in the conversation near the end of the session, Remus said, "I just want to be mindful of our time. We have about ten minutes left. Harry, do you want to rest again?"
"Can I?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Of course, Cub," Remus said. He set down his notebook and went to Harry's side.
"I'm here for you. You're my son. I've got you," Remus said softly as Harry once again laid his head on him.
"I love you, Moony Da," Harry said.
"I love you too, Cub."
Harry's wish was surprisingly granted. He was able to enjoy weeks without any incidents. He had no strong urges to hurt himself, no depressive episodes, and no life-altering trauma.
Harry particularly enjoyed those weeks.
However, today is not going to be that case and Harry knew it from the moment he woke up.
Today is Halloween.
Harry has never found Halloween to be a fun day. When he was younger he was stuck in his cupboard and left listening to Dudley brag about the candy he received.
Harry spent the night in the dorms from the 30th to the 31st. Ron and Neville dragged him to breakfast and Harry played with the oatmeal in his bowl, not having much of an appetite.
"Harry, you should try to eat something," Hermione said gently. "Food will give you the energy to get through the day."
Harry shrugged. "I don't have much of an appetite."
Hermione looked to the head table to get the attention of Remus and Sirius, but their dispositions were much more subdued than normal, too.
Harry looked up at her and picked up on what she was doing.
Harry looked up at the head table as well and saw Sirius and Remus also picking at their food.
"I need to go see them," Harry sighed. "They're hurting, too."
Harry hated to attract unwanted attention, especially on Halloween of all days, but his love for his godparents outweighed his distaste of stares.
Harry slowly trudged up to the head table as his friends watched him.
Sirius and Remus were nudged by Minerva and they looked up to see Harry approaching them.
Harry went behind the table and gave them both a hug and whispered in both of their ears.
"I love you both. My mum and dad would be so proud of you both. I know they are."
"Merlin, Harry. It's too early for this," Sirius said, wiping his eyes.
"We'll get through this day together," Remus told Harry and Sirius.
The three hugged for a moment longer before Harry left the head table and went back to his friends.
Harry sat silently, still playing with his food. His friends didn't dare say anything. After a couple of minutes, Harry pushed away the untouched bowl in front of him and stood up.
"I'm going to go before class. I-I'll see you later."
"Harry-" Hermione began.
Ron put a hand on Hermione's shoulder. "Give him some space right now. He needs it."
Hermione nodded. She knew Halloween was always hard for Harry.
Harry walked around the castle before settling on a small, cozy nook to stay in until class. He wished he knew where the Mirror of Erised was, but he was okay with being alone.
Harry had Ancient Studies with Sirius next. He quietly made his way to the room.
Around Halloween, the first years formally learn about what happened on Halloween in 1981. Harry dodged the looks from the first years and kept his head low. When he entered the classroom, he saw a very somber-looking Sirius and Remus.
Harry walked up to them and gave them each a hug.
"Moon- er- Professor Lupin, what are you doing here? I know you help Professor Black with the first years. What are you doing in Ancient Studies?"
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look.
"We talk about Halloween today, too. We end the class comparing and contrasting," Sirius explained. "Today has also just hit us harder than some other Halloweens."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. And yeah, I forgot that you said that last class. How much do you have to talk about 1981?"
"Not a lot, I promise. Do you want to sit out? I can always go over it with you later," Sirius offered.
Harry thought about it but shook his head. "Nah, I'll be with you both. Just, uh, don't call on me?" Harry asked hopefully.
Sirius gave him a reassuring smile. "I won't. If you need to leave, do it, okay?"
"I will," Harry said.
Remus and Sirius smiled at Harry before Harry put his head down and headed to his seat.
Draco sat next to him in class. Draco didn't say anything, but he gave Harry a small smile when he sat down.
Harry later realized it was like having his own bodyguard. Draco glared at anyone who dared approach their desk and made sure they kept their space.
"Alright class, settle down. It's time to start," Sirius said, clapping his hands together.
The sixth and seventh years quickly settled down and looked up expectantly at Sirius.
"Today is Halloween, as you all know. We're going to be talking more in-depth about Halloween in ancient times and comparing it with today. It's similar to what we've done in History, but a tad deeper and we will be looking at different aspects of Halloween as well. Professor Lupin is here to assist me in this lesson. Ready to begin?" Sirius asked.
There were some nods and Harry put his head down.
"Here we go," Sirius said, beginning the class.
Sirius spent most of the class lecturing on Halloween in ancient times and how this information was learned. Remus chimed in at parts, but he also walked the aisles. At one part as Remus was walking down the aisle, he saw Harry nervously fidgeting with his sleeve. Remus subtly put a fidget on Harry's desk as he walked by.
Harry was so caught up in his head that by the time he noticed the fidget, Remus was already across the room again.
Harry grabbed the fidget and used it under the table, once again putting his head down.
Sirius did talk about ancient prophecies and tragedies that happened on Halloween and did compare them to what happened with James, Lily, and Harry in 1981. Sirius tried to talk about it as little as possible, knowing Harry was dying on the inside.
When Sirius talked about this, Draco became even more protective and wouldn't let anyone even look their way.
Harry didn't plan on it, but he definitely dissociated when Sirius started talking about Halloween 1981. He saw the green light and heard his mum screaming. He dug his nails into his wrist, forcing himself to dissociate from both reality and the horrors of his past.
When Sirius had moved on from that topic, he was reviewing what they talked about that day and wrapped up the lesson.
Draco had "accidentally" bumped into Harry to bring him back to the present.
Harry was relieved when he tuned in to what Sirius was saying and that they were no longer talking about him.
Harry wrote a few more notes down on his parchment before Sirius dismissed the class. He wanted to get out of there, but Remus was quick to pull Harry aside.
A glare from Draco (and a bit of wand work, but Sirius and Remus would say they saw nothing) sent any remaining students in the room out within seconds.
"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked, trying to catch Harry's eye.
"It was rougher than I thought," Harry admitted. "I'm not great right now, but that's okay. I want to get to Charms. It'll be a good distraction." Harry wasn't sure if he was trying to convince his parents or himself with that statement.
"It's okay if you want to take a break or talk, Love. We know today is hard," Remus reminded him.
"Yeah, it's hard. It's hard for all of us. I just want to make it through the rest of the day, okay? I'll spend the night in the Marauder Quarters tonight and we can talk then, okay?"
Sirius and Remus seemed okay with that.
"Besides," Harry continued. "I'm sure Draco is on the other side of the door waiting to walk me to Charms because he doesn't want to leave me alone. I'll be with someone, I promise."
Both Sirius and Remus were relieved to hear that Harry wouldn't be alone, especially Remus.
In their sessions, Harry had brought up that the last time he badly hurt himself (before he was caught) was Halloween the previous year. Remus didn't want that situation repeated.
"If you need us, hold your pendant, okay, Cub?" Remus said.
"I will," Harry promised. He gave them both a quick hug before heading out the door and joining Draco.
"Thanks for waiting," Harry thanked Draco as they started to walk to Charms.
"Course. You good?" Draco asked.
Harry gave a small nod. "Yeah, they just wanted to check on me. They're glad you're here."
Draco gave a nod and allowed the silence Harry so desperately needed.
When they got to Charms, Draco once again sat next to Harry. There weren't originally two seats next to each other, but Draco wasn't a Slytherin for nothing.
Flitwick, the saint of a man, also gave Harry space during the lesson and kept a close eye on him.
After Charms, Harry tried to convince Draco to give him space, but Draco wouldn't budge.
"We don't have to talk. We don't even have to bloody look at each other. But Harry, you're not going to be alone," Draco insisted.
Harry sighed but knew it would be fruitless to argue. So, Harry went to sit in a courtyard and Draco sat near him. They didn't talk and that was okay. Sometimes being a friend is just simply being there.
Draco walked Harry to dinner and dropped him off at the Gryffindor table and made sure he was being watched by Ron and Hermione.
Truthfully, Harry was looking forward to spending the night in the Marauder Quarters and getting away from everyone. He wanted to curl up with Remus and Sirius and be sad with them.
Harry mostly ate dinner silently. He had some food and shoved the rest around on his plate. He knew the Halloween feast was delicious, but today was a worse Halloween than the previous years, at least mood-wise.
Near the end of dinner, Harry was pushing food around on his plate when a gentle hand on his shoulder caused him to look up and see Dumbledore giving him a gentle smile.
"Mr. Potter, if you're done with dinner, I would appreciate it if you could accompany me to my office. I have something for you."
Harry quickly looked to his parents who both gave him a reassuring nod.
"Sure, Professor," Harry agreed.
Harry waved goodbye to his friends and started to follow Albus out of the Great Hall.
"How was the feast?" Albus asked as they were walking.
"Good," Harry replied. Truthfully, he didn't taste much with his mood as low as it was. "It sure looked impressive, too," Harry replied honestly.
"That it did," Albus agreed.
They got about halfway to Albus' office before they heard a squeal and some whispered bickering.
Albus paused and raised an eyebrow while Harry looked at Albus expectantly. They peered around the corner and saw two third years behind the plant. One looked completely normal, while the other had a pumpkin for a head.
Harry had never seen a pumpkin with red cheeks, but he did now.
"P-p-Professor Dumbledore! Oh!" The student, a Hufflepuff said, going in front of their friend.
"I have seen the pumpkin head, Mx. Locke. I do not think hiding it would be the best solution," Albus said patiently.
The student, Taylor Locke, stepped aside to reveal their friend, Rohan Carr.
"Ah, Mr. Carr. A spell gone wrong, I believe?"
Both Taylor and Rohan nodded, looking down.
"Let's head to the hospital wing, shall we?" Albus said.
"You can't just fix it, Professor?" Taylor asked hopefully.
"Ah, Mx. Locke, Madame Pomfrey never appreciates my attempts at fixing spells that have gone awry. I think it's best if we head there together, yes?"
Both Taylor and Rohan knew that their headmaster was stating rather than asking.
"Mr. Potter, if you don't mind heading to my office. If you hop right there, I'm sure you'll be allowed in," Albus said pointedly.
Harry held back a chuckle. "Thanks, Professor. I'll head there now."
Albus and the students went the opposite way as Harry and Harry had to chuckle and shake his head. There never was a dull day at Hogwarts.
When Harry approached the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office, he confidently said, "Chocolate frogs," and the statue moved to the side.
Harry climbed the stairs before settling down in a chair in Albus' office. He sat there for about 10 minutes before a mischievous smile made its way to his face. Harry remembered that when he was young, he would sit in Albus' chair and spin around. Harry got up from his chair and moved into Albus. He sat down and spun around and actually let out a laugh that wasn't strained. He looked down at the desk when he stopped spinning and saw a picture of his parents he had never seen before. It was a picture of them when they were younger. His mum was clearly not impressed with James as she happened to be the victim of a prank. Harry saw Minerva in the picture lecturing James and realized Albus must've taken the photo (Merlin, the man lives for drama). Harry picked up the picture and looked at it closer, smiling. He went to set it down again when the parchment underneath it caught his eye.
Harry saw the first words of the prophecy on a worn-looking parchment.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…"
Harry knew that part of the prophecy, but it was always chilling to read it out. However, Harry saw the beginning of another word and pulled the parchment out. He let out an audible gasp when he read the rest of it.
"...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."
Harry shook his head. He was frozen in shock for several moments before he read it again in full, his face becoming even paler.
Harry's head started to spin. He stood up on shaky legs and felt tears come to his eyes. He opened the door to the stairs and started to run down them. He only got down a few steps before he saw Albus.
"Harry?" Albus asked, looking at the teenage boy as he pushed past him. "Harry?!" Albus said again, this time more stern and concerned.
Harry stopped and looked up at Albus, who was about three steps higher than him."When were you going to tell me?" Harry asked, his voice shaky and dangerously low.
"Tell you what?" Albus asked, confused.
"Don't play dumb with me," Harry growled.
"Harry, I'm not sure what you're talking about," Albus replied apologetically.
"The prophecy!" Harry half-shouted.
Albus looked at Harry, still confused.
"I saw it all. On a bit of parchment underneath a picture of my parents. I read it. I know!"
Now it was Albus' turn to pale. "Harry, my boy-" Albus began.
"Save it! I don't- I can't- I-!" Harry threw his arms up and let out an anguished yell before running down more stairs.
"Harry, we need to talk about this! Harry!" Albus cried. He went down a few stairs, trying to catch him, but realized he couldn't.
Harry ran down the stairs. He heard Albus follow for a few steps before he heard and saw some spells that he easily dodged. Harry just needed to get out of there.
Dinner had gotten out by the time Harry had originally made it to the headmaster's office so there were only a few stragglers in the hallway.
Harry ran and ran. He needed space. He needed to be alone. He needed air. The world felt like it was closing in on him. He needed to get away. Harry knew where he had to go.
The Astronomy Tower.
Meanwhile, after Albus realized there was no way he could reach Harry, by foot or spell, he ran to his office and immediately flooed to the staff room attached to the Great Hall.
Most of the staff were still in there and he found Sirius and Remus talking to Minerva. He hurried up to them and said, "You need to come with me. Now. It's Harry."
"Is he okay? Albus, is he okay?" Sirius immediately asked.
Albus didn't reply.
Minerva followed the men and put a reassuring hand on their shoulders.
"Albus, what is going on?" Remus asked as soon as they made their way into the headmaster's office. "You said you were going to give Harry a picture of Lily and James. What happened?" Sirius asked, exasperated and worried.
"Underneath the picture was the prophecy. All of it. I wasn't intending for him to see it. I had to let him up by himself since there were students I needed to help. He must've found the picture and parchment by himself. He saw it. He saw it all."
"What is the rest of this fucking prophecy?" Sirius asked.
Albus closed his eyes and recited the whole thing, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."
"Wh-what?" Sirius said.
Albus stood there quietly.
All three of them were frozen while Albus stood there quietly and sadly.
Minerva spoke first. "Have you been raising my grandson like a pig for slaughter?" She growled in a thick Scottish accent.
Before Albus could answer, an alarm on Albus' desk started to ring and spin.
"That's Harry. He's not safe. Something's not right," Albus said.
Remus had been quiet the whole time, but that was the final straw.
"Sirius, get the map. I think I know where he is. Minerva, you need to place the protection spells you once put up for me. Now."
Minerva's face fell, and Sirius was already flooing to the Marauder Quarters.
Remus completely ignored Albus and popped into Moony before running out of the office and down the stairs. He needed to get his cub. Now.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200