Author's Note:
TW: suicidal ideation, mentions of self-harm, hopelessness, active suicidal ideation, heights, suicide planning, feeling numb, references to self-harm, scars, dissociation
Hi loves! Thanks for being patient with this chapter! My mental health is still in shambles, but I'm working hard at improving. One thing that kept me alive was giving you a chapter to get rid of that nasty cliffhanger! Darn author ;)
This is a heavy chapter. Please be safe as you read this.
Always remember, you are loved.
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry has a therapy session with Remus. He gets to live a "normal life". Halloween rolls around and Harry finds out about the rest of the prophecy and bolts. Albus tells Remus, Sirius, and Minerva what happened and Albus' alarm about Harry's life being in danger goes off. They want to get to Harry.
Chapter Summary: Remus finds Harry.
Remus had never run through the halls of Hogwarts as Moony before, but there was a first time for anything.
Remus was actually thankful for how fast Moony could run, not just because he could get to Harry faster, but because his emotions were muted. He didn't know how to process this prophecy yet, but he knew if he was having trouble with it, Harry would be struggling even more so.
Moony skipped steps as he raced up the tower, wishing, praying, and hoping that his worst fears weren't coming true.
As he got to the top of the Astronomy tower, he saw that his fears were indeed, true.
Remus popped into himself and stood in the doorway. "Harry," Remus said softly, announcing his presence.
Harry was sitting on the ledge and crying. His feet dangled and the breeze blew his hair back.
When Harry heard Remus' voice, he stiffened up.
"Harry, it's me, Moony Da. I'm here," Remus said softly.
Harry didn't reply, but he looked out.
"I would like to talk to you. Can you get off the ledge for me?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
Remus took a small and slow step forward. "I want to hear all about what's going on. Let's talk about it."
"Leave," Harry spat, tears still streaming down his face.
"I want to be with you," Remus said, taking another step forward.
Harry shook his head. "I need to be alone."
"Why?" Remus asked.
Harry laughed humorously. "I saw the second half of the prophecy. I am guaranteed to die. There's been no point. No point at all. It's too much."
"What do you mean by that?" Remus asked, taking another step forward.
"I can't handle everything right now. I can't live while he's alive. There's no reason for me to even be here. I can't do this."
Sirius had made it up the stairs now with the map. Remus put out a hand behind him to stop Sirius from moving or saying anything and Sirius froze in his spot.
"Harry, your life has so much value. I know you don't believe me right now and I'd be happy to tell you more about it over some hot chocolate." Remus took another step forward.
Harry looked down. "I just need some space. Some air. I couldn't stay there."
Remus nodded. "That's okay, I understand. Fresh air is nice. We can go for a walk if you want," the therapist offered.
Harry shrugged and looked out. "I don't know what I want. I don't know."
"That's okay," Remus said, taking a step forward. "We can talk about it together."
Harry shrugged. "I don't want to talk. I'm sick of talking."
"We don't have to talk. We can just sit together. I'm happy whenever I'm with you," Remus said. He took a step forward and was almost close enough to touch Harry, but didn't want to press his luck quite yet.
"It's too much. It's all me. And I have to be the one to defeat him," Harry whispered before pausing for a moment.
"Oh, yeah. I'm the only one who can defeat him," Harry remembered robotically.
Remus saw Harry clearly detach himself from reality at that thought. He swiftly took another step forward and grabbed Harry with both hands.
"I've got you, Harry. I've got you."
Harry didn't reply. He resisted some but quickly stopped fighting Remus' restraints.
Remus pulled Harry to the ground. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. "I've got you, I've got you."
Harry blinked, but that was all he did.
Remus felt himself sag in relief knowing he had Harry in his hands and Sirius did the same seeing Remus hold Harry.
Sirius walked over to the ledge and waved his wand, temporarily blocking the ledge and creating a barrier.
Minerva, who was on the ground, saw the barriers go up and practically fell with relief.
Remus allowed it to be quiet for twenty minutes as they all sat there, on the floor of the astronomy tower. Eventually, he spoke up, "How are you feeling, Harry?"
Harry shrugged. "I'm the only one who can defeat him. I couldn't even jump if I wanted to because I couldn't leave everyone with him."
"Why were you on the ledge, Harry?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius," Remus said sharply.
"It's fine," Harry said plainly. "I wanted to leave. I just found out that I can't live while Tom is still alive." Anger began to enter Harry's voice. "Why the hell am I fighting to stay alive and function when it's fucking prophecized that I can't even live!"
Remus was glad to hear some emotion in Harry's voice. It was much better than having no emotion.
"Do you think you haven't lived the past sixteen years?" Remus asked.
"Huh?" Harry asked.
"Do you think you haven't lived your life so far? I know Tom has put a shadow over your life, for sure. Do you think you haven't lived at all?" Remus asked.
"Well," Harry said, thinking of everything he's done. "I guess not. I guess I have done some fun things."
"And I'd like to continue to do fun things with you and watch you achieve things," Remus said warmly. "Killing yourself is not the way to fulfill the prophecy. Killing yourself is not the solution to your feelings. You are doing a fantastic bloody job with life right now and I want to see you keep doing it."
Harry blinked again. "Yeah?" He whispered.
"Yeah," Remus said.
Harry blinked and blinked again.
All of a sudden, tears rushed to his eyes and Harry started to sob.
"I've got you, Harry. Let it out. You're safe," Remus soothed.
"I w-wanted to j-j-jump!" Harry sobbed, breaking down. "I-I d-didn't want to! B-but I wanted-d i-it all gone!"
"I know," Remus said, holding on tight to his son.
Sirius turned around and furiously wiped his face.
"I just want this all gone!" Harry cried.
Remus held Harry and rocked him back and forth as the teenager cried.
Remus noticed the cuts on Harry's arms but didn't say anything. They were superficial and Remus was just thankful Harry was safe.
Sirius eventually popped into Padfoot and made his way onto Harry's lap, lapping up his tears and nuzzling into him.
They stayed there for a long, long time. Remus wasn't sure how long it was, but he just savored every moment of having Harry in his arms.
Eventually, the sky started to lighten.
Remus put his head near Harry's ear and started to whisper, "Cubby, I want to get you back to our quarters, okay? I want to make sure that you have privacy."
Harry nodded, not asleep but certainly exhausted.
Remus tapped Padfoot who was snoozing and the black dog hopped off of Harry and popped into Sirius. He grabbed Harry from Remus as the werewolf slowly got up, not realizing how sore he was.
Remus canceled the charms Sirius put up with the ledge and put a notice-me-not charm over Sirius and Harry.
The men walked back to the Marauder Quarters. Sirius took Harry to their bed and Remus immediately flooed to Minerva's quarters.
Not surprisingly, Minerva was awake and in her sitting room.
"How is he?" Minerva asked.
"He's safe. Sirius has him right now. He's not quite asleep, but not quite awake, either. We're getting out of the castle today and going to the cottage. We need to get Harry out of this environment. We'll keep him safe, I promise."
Minerva said some words in Gaelic before nervously running her hands over her arms. "Leanbh. My heart breaks for him."
Remus nodded.
"I'll keep Albus away. Do whatever you need to do," Minerva said sternly.
"Thank you," Remus said again, giving Minerva a warm hug.
"And don't push away your feelings. You need to process this, too," Minerva reminded him.
"I will," Remus replied.
They stayed hugging a moment longer before they broke away. "I'm going to get back to Harry. Thanks, Mum. I love you."
"I love you, too," Minerva said, watching Remus floo away.
Remus went back to the Marauder Quarters and quietly slipped into his bedroom. He saw Harry laying in the middle of the bed and Sirius was on one side. Remus made his way to his bed and rubbed Harry's back.
"We're here, Harry. You're safe with us. Just rest now," Remus whispered lovingly.
It took another hour, but Harry finally fell asleep. Both Remus and Sirius wanted to talk, but they wanted to stay with Harry more.
Remus cast a quick silencing charm over Harry and said, "You rest first. I'll keep my eye on him. I've also got a locking charm on our door and the main door. We're good, Pads."
Sirius nodded, too physically and emotionally exhausted to argue.
Sirius slept for a few hours as Remus watched over them. When Sirius woke up, he reached over and tapped Remus.
"I've got him. You rest now."
Remus didn't need to be told twice. He gave Sirius a grateful smile and fell asleep.
Remus slept for around three hours before Harry started to wake up. Remus felt Harry move and woke up, quickly blinking away any sleep. He removed the silencing charm and pushed himself up to a sitting position.
Remus and Sirius waited for Harry to wake up and speak first.
"Uhh," Harry groaned as he rubbed his eyes. He also sat himself up. "Lo."
"Good morning, Love," Remus said.
It took a split second before everything rushed back to Harry. He covered his face. "I don't want to talk right now."
"That's okay," Remus said quickly. "You don't have to speak about it right now. You let us know when you're ready to talk, or when you want us to explain what we're going to do."
"Wh-what are you going to do?" Harry asked nervously, removing his hands and looking towards, but not at, Remus.
"We're not sending you anywhere, Harry," Remus quickly assured Harry, knowing that was what was on his mind.
Harry relaxed the smallest bit. "Then what are you going to do?"
"We're going to go to the cottage near the waterfall. We're going to spend some time there. Dumbledore is going to cover Sirius' classes, as well as Dorcas and a few other professors. I think Tonks is coming in for one, too.
Harry nodded. "When are we leaving?"
"Soon, probably within a couple of hours. Dadfoot and I have a few more things to take care of."
Harry nodded again. He was quiet, but clearly thinking, and Remus noticed this. "What's on your mind, Cub?"
Harry was quiet for several moments before very quietly asking, "Am I in trouble?"
"Trouble? No, Cub! Oh, no," Remus breathed, giving Harry's shoulder a loving squeeze. "You're not in trouble at all. You are so loved. We just want to keep you safe right now, okay? We're not mad or disappointed in you. We are happy you are here. We love you."
Harry nodded wordlessly, not ready to talk about it.
It was quiet again for several minutes before Harry tried to push himself up again and winced, before looking down and wincing.
Remus followed his eyesight and gave him a sympathetic smile. "We need to get those cuts cleaned up. They're not deep, but I don't want them to become infected. You won't be as stiff then."
"I don't- I mean, I guess-" Harry stammered.
"It's okay," Remus quickly assured him. "You don't have to talk about it right now if it's too much. I'm here to listen at anytime."
Harry nodded again.
"Can we go to the kitchen so I can dress this?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. He followed Remus off the bed and Sirius followed.
Harry sat down and Sirius sat down next to him as Remus brought over the first aid kid.
Remus skillfully cleaned the cuts and put a slow healing charm on them, just like he used to when he first found out about Harry's self-harm.
"All done," Remus announced when he was done.
Harry muttered a thanks and pulled his arm back to his side.
"Harry, do you think you can eat anything?" Sirius asked gently.
Harry shook his head.
Sirius looked to Remus. "That's okay, Harry. I do have a nutrition potion and a stomach soother for you," Remus said as he went to their potions cabinet.
Remus set the potions down in front of Harry who took them wordlessly.
"I'm going to take care of some things, and then Dadfoot is. Then we will be on our way. Right now I want you to journal or go to the boxing room, okay?" Remus said.
Harry nodded. "I-if I go to the boxing room, am I allowed to be alone?" Harry asked.
Sirius looked at Remus, wanting him to reply.
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He paused for a moment before responding. "I think you would be safe with some charms in the boxing room. I also think that Sirius and I need to be with you right now for both your sake and ours."
"Yeah, I was expecting that," Harry sighed. "I'll just get my journal and come out here," Harry mumbled as he walked to his room.
Sirius looked at Remus who gave him a reassuring smile. "Stay on him, Siri. I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"
Sirius nodded. "I've got this, Rem. Don't worry."
"I know you do," Remus whispered as he kissed Sirius on the head.
Harry came out of his room now with his journal. "I'll be back shortly. If you need anything, tell Dadfoot. He knows how to reach me, okay?" Remus said, walking toward Harry.
"Okay," Harry said.
"May I give you a hug?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded and took another step toward Remus and put his arms around him.
"I love you. I'm glad you're here," Remus reminded him.
Harry didn't reply but squeezed tightly onto Remus. Remus held Harry until the teen let go.
"Love you both. I'll see you soon," Remus said before walking out the door.
Sirius turned to Harry. "Can I get you anything?"
Harry shook his head. "No thanks."
"If you think of anything, just let me know," Sirius said with a small smile.
Harry gave a nod and sat down in Remus' armchair as Sirius got comfortable on the couch.
Harry didn't write much. He wrote some but mostly doodled. On one hand, Harry was worried about what was going to happen and stressed about the unknown. On the other hand, Harry was too mentally exhausted to come up with ideas of what would happen. He felt like a zombie. He was going to do what he was told because he didn't have any hope left. Whatever Sirius and Remus said, he would do. He had no energy for fighting anymore. He was done.
Remus came back within an hour. He pulled Sirius to the side and talked in hushed tones before Sirius left and Remus took the spot on the couch.
"How're you doing, Love?" Remus asked kindly as he was sitting down.
Harry shrugged. His journal was long closed and he was staring at a string on the carpet.
Remus could see that Harry was zoned out and assumed he had been like that for a while. Remus got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. He bent down next to Harry and gently put a hand on his shoulder.
Harry jumped a bit and then looked at Remus. "Oh, sorry."
Remus gave Harry a small, reassuring smile. "No worries at all, Cub. I brought you some water. I want you to take a sip."
Harry looked and saw the glass of water in Remus' hand. He reached out and grabbed the glass before taking a few sips and handing it back to Remus.
"Thanks," Harry said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Of course," Remus said, still smiling. He set down the water on the table in front of Harry and already saw Harry begin to dissociate. Dissociating isn't always a bad thing, but Remus didn't want Harry to get in his head right now. Remus knew that Harry's head was a dangerous place at this point in time and knew that the thoughts it was telling Harry were horrific.
"Harry?" Remus asked softly.
"Yeah?" Harry replied, blinking and once again looking at Remus.
Remus gave Harry a kind smile. "Is your head being kind to you right now?"
Harry quickly looked away and didn't say anything, silently giving Remus the answer he expected.
"We don't have to talk about it, that's okay. I have something I need your help with. You don't have to move, I promise."
Harry slowly looked back toward Remus. "What is it?"
"Well," Remus began, "I checked in on Marlene's first-year defense class and offered them some extra credit. They had to write a foot on three different defensive spells and what they do. Can you help me grade them?"
"Sure," Harry agreed.
"Brilliant!" Remus said, handing Harry a red pen (not quill because he knew that would be too messy right now) and some papers. "If you're not sure, just set it aside. I'll tell Auntie Marlene you helped and make sure she gives you extra credit."
"Cool, thanks," Harry replied, finally feeling a spark of something other than emptiness. It didn't last long, but it gave Harry the smallest smidge of hope that maybe, just maybe, things would get better.
Harry helped grade the papers and felt almost useful in doing it. He didn't feel like a complete waste of space, but he could not yet verbalize that feeling, but he was happy to feel something other than being numb, once again.
When Sirius returned, Harry didn't pay too much attention to him. He kept grading the papers until Remus knelt in front of him.
"Cub?" Remus said gently, putting a hand on Harry's arm.
"Hmm?" Harry murmured, looking up from the paper he was grading.
"We're ready to go," Remus said with a small smile. "You can put that paper with the rest of them in my bag."
"Don't I need to get packed or something?" Harry asked.
Remus gave Harry a reassuring smile. "No, Love. Sirius and I packed for you. We've got everything you need. You don't have to worry about a thing."
Harry nodded. He normally would hate the fact that his dads packed him up and went through his clothes, but he simply didn't care. He didn't have the energy to do the task, anyway.
"Okay," Harry agreed softly. He put the paper in the bag near the couch. Remus picked it up and slung it over his arm.
"Sirius has our bags shrunk down. We're going to take a portkey."
Harry nodded but didn't say anything. He didn't trust his voice at the moment.
Sirius grabbed a pen from the bookshelf. "Ready?" Sirius asked, looking at Remus and Harry who both nodded and grabbed hold of the pen. Remus also had a light hold on Harry's shirt, just in case.
Harry tried to prepare himself, but his body was too exhausted to respond properly. Harry started to panic as soon as he felt squeezed away.
When they landed, Harry fell to the ground with his arms wrapped around him and his breathing unstable.
"I've got you, Harry," Remus said, immediately going behind Harry and wrapping his arms around him.
Sirius popped into Padfoot and went on Harry's lap. Unfortunately, Sirius and Remus knew the drill.
"You're safe, Harry. Moony Da and Dadfoot are here," Remus said softly.
"Take some deep breaths with us; yeah, that's it, you're doing great," Remus praised.
It took Harry a couple of minutes before he finally became more aware of his surroundings. He took a big gulp of air and let it out.
"Good job Cub," Remus praised, a hint of relief evident in his voice. "Keep breathing."
Harry was eventually able to slow his breathing down and open his eyes.
"Let's take a few more deep breaths together, okay, Cub?" Remus asked (but Harry knew he was telling, not asking).
Harry took some deep breaths with Padfoot and Remus and eventually Padfoot popped back into Sirius.
"I'm better now," Harry said after a minute.
Sirius looked at Remus who gave a nod.
"I'll help you up," Sirius offered after getting approval from Remus.
Harry took the hand Sirius offered and shakily stood up. "Er, sorry."
Sirius shook his head. "There's no need to apologize, Pup. We're happy to help and we're happy you're safe. Do you want to wait a minute before we start walking?"
Harry shook his head. "No. I'm okay."
"We'll take it slow," Remus said, not leaving room to argue.
Remus, Sirius, and Harry started to walk. Normally, Harry would recognize where he was at this point (probably, he still had James in him), but he was too in his head.
Eventually, they saw the house and Sirius looked over at Harry, waiting for a reaction.
Harry didn't say anything.
Sirius' face fell and he looked at Remus who gave him a sad nod, also noticing Harry's lack of reaction.
"Pup? Do you know where we are?" Sirius asked gently.
Harry blinked a few times before saying, "Oh, rehab house."
Sirius had the same feeling as when he's Padfoot and his ears and tail go down. He hated seeing Harry this apathetic and numb. He thought back to Harry's reactions before and how subdued he was now.
When they got to the house, Harry started to head up the stairs, but Remus stopped him.
"Hold on a second, Harry."
"I was going to go to my room," Harry said, looking up the staircase.
"I'm sure you were, but we need to talk about rules. First I want you to help clean the kitchen. It's a bit dusty. Sirius and I will take turns updating the wards."
Harry didn't want to clean the kitchen but didn't have enough energy to argue. "Okay," Harry agreed.
Sirius went outside first to check on and update the wards as Harry started on the table and Remus on the counter.
"When you're done with that, I'd love it if you could wipe down the table in the sitting room. Thank you so much, Harry."
Harry made an agreeable noise.
Harry did that and then sat down on the couch, fiddling and dissociating.
Remus looked over and held back a sigh. He went to the sitting room and grabbed a bowl of fidgets off of a shelf. He put the bowl on the table Harry had just wiped down and took one to place in Harry's hands.
"You sit here. Use the fidget," Remus suggested softly.
Harry nodded. He took the fidget and made himself comfortable in the house.
Remus went back to cleaning but kept a close eye on Harry.
Sirius and Remus switched off after a few hushed whispers and Remus made sure he was back quickly.
Before Harry knew it, Remus and Sirius were sitting down in the sitting room. Remus was gently rubbing Harry's back, helping him come back to the present.
"Harry, are you with us?" Remus asked gently after a moment.
Harry nodded. "Yeah."
"Splendid. The wards are all up now. We had to add a few. Are you ready to talk about what's going on while we're here?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded.
"We're here for you to heal some. We're here to help you work out your thoughts and process the information you've recently learned. This is going to be a safe, healing space. You are not alone."
"Okay," Harry nodded, sensing there was something more.
"Dadfoot and I are going to be watching you closely right now. We want to give you some alone time to process, but we also want to keep you safe. Right now, you're not going to be left alone too often. We're going to give you half an hour of journaling time on your own. You can also use the washroom on your own. Besides that. One of us is going to be in eyeshot of you most of the time," Remus explained.
"But that's not fair!" Harry argued.
"Why is it not fair?" Remus asked patiently.
"Because! Because I need privacy! I need to be alone!"
Remus nodded. "You do need some alone time. First and foremost, for Dadfoot and myself, is also to keep you physically safe. We know that this house is safe and there is nothing you can use to harm yourself. However, one can go to great lengths when they're desperate. If you want to leave the house, you have to ask permission and one of us will go with you."
"How long is it going to be like this?" Harry asked.
"A few days at least. We'll reevaluate each day. We're going to have therapy sessions and a few with Dadfoot to talk about family matters."
"This feels like a lot," Harry admitted.
Remus nodded. "I can understand that. I don't want to overwhelm you with rules and expectations right now. I also want to make sure you know what's expected and what your boundaries are so it's not a surprise if we ask you to do something. We want you to feel prepared and know what's going to happen. We are writing a schedule, too. I'm going to finish that while you and Sirius go on a walk."
"To the waterfall?" Harry asked, remembering his favorite part.
Sirius looked at Remus and Remus gave Harry an apologetic smile. "Not quite yet, Cubby. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see how everything goes," Remus explained.
Harry nodded. "Okay," is all he said. He didn't have the energy to continue to fight. He had to trust his dads that they knew what was best.
"What questions do you have?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. "None right now."
"Okay. You can ask us questions at any time. We're here for you," Remus reminded him.
"I'm going to take care of our suitcases and I'll be back in a minute for our walk," Sirius explained. He gave Harry a loving smile before heading up the stairs.
Harry watched him leave before quietly saying, "Moony Da?"
"Yes, Cub?" Remus answered.
"I'm… nervous. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do."
Remu sat next to Harry on the couch and held his hand. "That's okay. Those are all typical feelings. You are not alone."
"This seems… I dunno, intense."
Remus nodded. "That makes sense. It is more structured than the other times we've been here."
"I don't know, Moony Da. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what to do." Harry finally looked up into Remus' eyes.
Remus leaned forward and gave Harry a soft kiss on the forehead. "That's okay. Dadfoot and I are here for you. We've got you, Harry. You are not alone. You are loved."
Harry nodded and leaned in to hug Remus.
Harry had jokingly and lovingly called this rehab before, but little did he know that it was exactly what he was going to get.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200