CHAPTER 74

STEPPING DOWN

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"I remember the first time we were here" Dianna said, smiling and looking around the table where she and Jason were eating their burritos and nachos, in front of the taco stand.

"Me too. We talked about hockey, and about selling my house" he softly chuckled, biting his burrito while Dianna dipped her nacho in the guacamole.

"I told you I don't like coffee and you said my smile was the same as Keira Knightley's" she reminded him, smug. Grinning playfully.

"Resembled" he corrected her, looking at his burrito and taking a bite. He glanced at her, and Dianna's smile was fading. "Resembled a lot" he corrected himself, with his mouth full, because obviously Dianna felt hurt. She was very sensible lately.

"Yeah" she said, squirming and eating her nachos. "Jason" she decided it was time to inform him of her decision. He was looking at her but still chewing his food, so she waited until he swallowed. "I don't think I can work with Bravo anymore" her voice came out shaky.

Jason blinked, paralyzed.

"What? Why?" he had a lost face.

"To be honest, I don't even know if I can work in DEVGRU" she explained, feeling awkward. Jason blinked again, serious. "But I haven't decided anything about that yet. But I'm pretty sure about the other thing" she quietly said, Jason could barely hear her with all the loud conversations around them.

"Oh… because of what happened during deployment? That you were shot? You know, we'd always have your back, I think that our team could protect-"

"No, it's not that. I know you guys would always have my six, like you say" she quickly cleared that out.

Jason was still frowning and squirmed, waiting for an explanation. His face was completely bruised, he had two deep cuts on his cheek and forehead, that were stitched up, and Dianna hated stitches. His arm was injured, he had a bandage on his biceps. She hated stitches, but she hated a lot more seeing Jason injured.

"I had a panic attack when you disappeared" she reminded him, quietly, and he looked down at his burrito, uncomfortable. "And I imagine how useless I'd be if that happened during an op and I needed to do my job to find you, for instance. Or even to help the other guys" she tried to explain, and Jason glanced sideways. He knew she was right. "I thought I could separate things and focus, compartmentalize, but I'm not sure anymore. And I don't want to wait until I'm in the field and something like this happens again to find out that I could jeopardize the team. Davis and Blackburn made the right choice and agreed with Ray, to leave you there for a while. If it was me, I would insist for them to rescue you" she hated how unprofessional she was sounding right now.

"But that's normal. When you were abducted by the Venezuelans, I also-"

"You let Ray lead the team, Jason" she reminded him, and he shut up and blinked. "You did the right choice, you knew your judgment wasn't clear".

"I walked past by many rooms without clearing them first" his head twitched to the side, hating to admit how unprofessional he also was back then. "I jeopardized the team. But it happens, what do you want me to say?" he was angry with himself, and Dianna knew that.

"So, one more reason, then. You'd also jeopardize the team if I'm riding with Bravo. I can't put the guys at risk like that. So I'll ask to be reassigned to another team" she said, more determined.

Jason shook his head, sarcastically smiling.

"But you will jeopardize the team like this, too. You figured out that ambush at the embassy in Yemen. And even in Venezuela, you saved Davis and Blackburn from being killed. Not to mention how your presence in the team increased our success rate" he was gesticulating a lot.

"Maybe another interrogator would have done the same, or something similar" she said, very rational. But Jason was still agitated. They kept quiet for a few moments.

"You were at risk three times, Dianna. You said it yourself. What if you were abducted in Venezuela with another team, huh? Or deployed? Would they have looked for you, and protected you, like we did?" he was feeling more anxious the more he thought about it.

"I don't know. Probably yes" she answered, sincere. "Like I said, Jason. I'm still not sure if I'll continue in DEVGRU" she said, shyly.

Jason opened his mouth, blinking. He felt a little more relieved if she didn't continue in DEVGRU, then. At least she'd be safer.

"What would you do out of DEVGRU?" he asked, grazing his finger on his burrito.

"I don't know. The CIA would obviously still assign me to interrogations of DEVGRU cases, but I wouldn't be spinning up with the teams. Maybe I'd still be deployed, though. Or I'd travel with the Rangers, their missions aren't as dangerous-"

"You… the Rangers?" Jason was sarcastically smiling. "Their missions are dangerous too, Dianna. They just don't handle counter-terrorism on a daily basis, or have as many ops as we do. They stay close to the military bases" he tried to explain, because she obviously didn't know what the Army's elite squad did. The Rangers still captured war enemies and blew up buildings, and many things could go wrong in their ops too. But the Army Rangers weren't trained as the Navy Seals, so he got more concerned now.

"Well, I do work for the CIA. I knew that when I got in, and I was trained at the Farm, Jason. You may have forgotten, since you were busy doing other things" Dianna said, bitter, and she knew she was being a grumpy jealous woman, but she was being grumpy lately. And more sensible. No wonder she thought she was pregnant. "So, I know I'll have many risky missions ahead of me anyways" she said, just slightly scared.

Jason opened his mouth to clap back, but he gave up. He knew it would only make things worse, and he was also in a bad mood lately. Dianna was playing with her food, very uncomfortable.

"Is it just because I'm with Bravo that you'll leave them?" he quietly asked, with a monotone voice.

Dianna frowned, thinking that was a weird question. But the answer was obvious.

"Well, sure. I don't have any problem with the guys. I love them" she quickly said, in case Jason thought that she had another ulterior motive to leave Bravo.

Jason nodded, serious, and grabbed his burrito again.

"Don't tell them anything yet, ok? Or the CIA. We'll talk to the guys together" he said, a little grumpy, then bit his burrito.

Dianna squirmed on the bench.

"Ok. Sure" she mumbled, then ate quietly. "Look. I'm sorry for being upset that day when I thought I was, huh. You know" she decided it was time to break the bad vibe that was still hanging over them. She knew Jason felt guilty about that too, he always felt guilty about everything.

Jason nodded, swallowing his food. Relieved that Dianna wanted to talk about it, finally.

"It was just so sudden. I mean, I barely understood what you were saying and then you already stood up to take the test" he admitted, looking serious at her.

"I know. It's just that I had that box with me for a few hours, so I was anxious to know. I thought about just taking the test alone, but I just couldn't" she tried to explain, and he nodded. "I never had a pregnancy scare before, Jason" she admitted, shy.

Jason opened his mouth. He felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside, not sure why.

"I can imagine" he smirked, glancing at her. "To be honest, it was funny that I was just telling you how I wanted a sign that what I did was enough, and then you said maybe you were pregnant with my kid" he chuckled.

Dianna chuckled too, seeing the irony in that.

"Yeah, when you said that I knew I had to shut you up" she smiled.

Jason nodded, smiling. Then his smile faded while he looked at Dianna.

"That would definitely be a sign" he softly said, then swallowed.

Dianna noticed his stare, and decided to go for it. It was all hypothetical, anyways.

"Would you have retired from operating? If I was pregnant?" she asked, but not judging. She was truly curious, and he understood that.

Jason shrugged, frowning and thinking for a moment.

"Maybe. I mean, at least I would get to be present to one of my kids' infancy" he admitted. Dianna smiled, feeling her heart very warm. But Jason was still looking at his burrito, thinking. "Because I'd never want to put another child through that again. Growing up pretty much without a father" he said, very bitter and obviously angry with himself. "Nobody deserves that".

Dianna blinked, realizing that Jason never mentioned kids in his future because he really doesn't want them, if he's operating. And more than once he said how he wants to operate until he's 70 or 75 years old. Exaggerating, of course, but she was sure that if he could, he'd definitely operate until that age.

So, the answer to the question that Dianna never wanted to ask Jason was simple. No, he doesn't want more kids, because his time will always be spent with the team. If Dianna gets pregnant it will not only be an unplanned pregnancy, but also an unwanted one. He'll stand by her and raise the child, maybe even offer to marry Dianna. But he wouldn't be doing what he wants, the pregnancy would be the end of a career that Jason loves so much.

Dianna still wasn't sure if she wanted kids, but like her father said, she never said she didn't want them. In fact, this pregnancy scare only showed her that it's likely that she will want to have kids in the future, and not such a distant future. Because she was scared when she took the test, but also peaceful, in a way. The destiny was deciding for her, and she was ok with having a baby with Jason.

But Dianna also knew now, for sure, that she'd never want to have a child with someone that would only see the kid as a burden. And worse, Jason wouldn't want this kid, so he'd never agree to have sex without protection. The kid would only come if an 'error' occurred, which was even worse.

"Are you saying that Ray's kids are miserable?" Dianna gave it one last try. She knew that Ray was a great father, he was away a lot, but he was a family man, always putting his kids and wife first. Before the team, if possible. Unlike Jason, apparently.

"Not miserable. But Ray hates how worried Jameela always is when he leaves for ops or gets deployed" Jason simply said, shrugging. "So, yes. Can you imagine a girl that young having to worry about her dad coming back alive? How her childhood must be?" he asked Dianna, squinting.

Dianna swallowed, he was right. She couldn't imagine how terrible and uneasy it must be for a kid to think about it everyday. She still didn't get used to it, she was always concerned about Jason.

Jason was right. Being a child of a special operator is hard. Too hard, perhaps. No wonder he didn't want to repeat that. He's a man filled with guilt, and he just couldn't add even more guilt to that equation.

There's only so much a person can take.

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"Sending Ray off made me think about Bravo Team's past and future" Jason stated to the guys at The Bulkhead, and looked behind him, at a photo of his former team leader, Eddie Guzman, on the wall. He pointed at the framed photo. "You know, Guzo. My first team leader. He taught me what it meant to be all in, all the time. And it's a steep price. A steep price isn't for everyone. I'm a better warrior than I ever was a husband or a father" he said, bitterly. He swallowed. "But that was the choice I made. The choice I made was to win the fight and bring my brothers home. My men and my mission came first" he sounded determined, and Ray nodded, serious. "But we just took out the son of a man that I killed thirteen years ago, and it seems to me that this mission isn't ending anytime soon. And from this last deployment, it just showed me that you boys can take care of each other" Jason nodded, emotional.

"What are you saying, Jace?" Sonny quietly asked, serious. Ray was going away to take his Officer's course, and now this.

Jason put his fingers on his eyes, and his eyes were filled with tears. He looked exhausted. And very emotional.

"You know, leading Bravo Team has been the greatest honor of my life. But… war has been my refuge for too long. And I'm done. It's time for Bravo One to take a step back from operating" he bluntly said, looking at each one of the guys. They swallowed. "...And find a life for Jason Hayes" he exhaled, with his eyes filled with tears.

There was a deafening silence around the table, and Dianna finally understood why Jason asked her to not say anything about her leaving Bravo. Because he was thinking about doing it already.

Jason's eyes met Dianna's, and she had her eyes filled with tears too.

She was relieved because he wouldn't be risking his life all the time, anymore. And she knew that lately he was thinking if all he did paid off, at least. And if he was willing to continue to do it, no matter what.

He wasn't.

But Dianna wasn't sure if he would be able to just step down like this and be satisfied with his life and routine inside the wire.

All she could do now was wait and see.

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Dianna turned to Jason in his car, because they were silent so far. He gave his speech to the guys and there wasn't anything else to be said and done, anymore. So they left the bar.

"They'll be ok" Jason suddenly said, turning off the car. "It was about time" he mumbled.

Dianna nodded.

"If you're sure"

"I am" Jason quickly said, then sighed. "It's done. I need to move on now" he explained, uncomfortable.

Dianna looked at him, nodding again.

"Do you wanna stay here for the night?" she asked, shy. She wasn't sure if he wanted to be left alone or not. They didn't have sex lately, because they were both busy organizing their places, and just a few days ago Dianna thought she was pregnant. So, there was still this awkwardness between them.

Jason thought for a second, and decided that he didn't want to be alone in his sad apartment again. He turned on the microwave as soon as he arrived from the flight a couple of days ago, because it was too silent in there. No, he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts right now.

"U-hum. Yeah" he quickly said, with a cute lost face. He and Dianna left the car and got inside her house, and Jason immediately felt better than in his sad apartment. "It smells nice" he said, looking around. Her house was closed for months too, but it didn't have the moldy smell that his place had.

"I washed some curtains yesterday" she explained, amused. She hung her jacket and her purse close to the entry, and turned to Jason. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, hesitant.

Jason shook his head, a little agitated.

"No" he quietly said, and walked closer to Dianna. He gently held her waist and slowly kissed her, and he immediately felt a little better.

"Let's go upstairs" she quietly said, she missed Jason. He nodded and they both walked up the stairs, silent. Dianna wasn't sure if Jason was still feeling awkward, or if his head was somewhere else, so when they arrived in her bedroom, she let him take the lead.

And he did, immediately pulling her closer and kissing her lips, this time eagerly. They both anxiously undressed themselves and each other, and had no problem focusing only in that moment. Jason raised Dianna from her butt, and his injured arm hurt a little, but he managed to carry her to the bed, not distancing his lips from hers for a second. The bedroom was silent and they could only hear their gasps and breathing while Jason kissed Dianna's body, savoring her skin and smelling her scent. He kissed her thighs and wanted to taste her properly, so he made her come with his mouth, firmly holding her thighs. He trailed kisses from her stomach to lips again and firmly held her legs open, softly kissing her lips.

"No more panic attacks, Dianna" he murmured, affectionately. She blinked, disheveling his hair with her fingers. "At least not because of me" he softly said, pushing inside of her, slowly.

Dianna quietly moaned, feeling Jason pulsate inside of her.

"I didn't want to make you feel guilty" she told him, caressing his cheek. The side that didn't have the cut.

Jason nodded.

"I know. I did this for me, Dianna. For Jason Hayes" he explained, kissing her lips again. Dianna nodded, understanding his reasons, and Jason deepened their kiss, and started to thrust into her, first slowly. But he was anxious, and soon he sped up the pace.

"I just want you to be happy, Jason" Dianna wrapped her arms around his neck, still with her fingers messing up his hair. Jason felt relaxed, immediately, and thrust as deeply as he could, keeping his lips close to hers.

"I am. Happy" he assured her, and she slightly smiled. "Are you?" he huskily asked, with his fingers firmly holding her thigh.

"Yes" she said, because she was. "I love you, Jason" she said affectionately, and kissed his lips.

They were both moaning and Jason used all his self control to not increase the rhythm, because it was too good.

"Fuck. I love you. Yeah" Jason held Dianna's face with his hand, looking at her with intensity while relentlessly thrusting into her.

"You will always be Bravo One, Jason. Don't worry" she smiled at him, scratching her nails on his back. He was all over her and his husky voice and moans were driving her crazy.

Jason blinked and smiled dangerously, thrusting harder. He held her knee even higher, reaching deeply. They were almost screaming together, and Jason grunted with despair.

"You'll come. I need you to come, Dianna" he demanded, trying to not sound desperate.

Dianna was close to the edge and loved to hear his husky voice commanding her. She almost immediately came, crying out, and Jason smiled and came right after her, moaning relieved and happy. He moved his pelvis lazily while he emptied inside of her, softly kissing her lips.

"I'll have more free time for this" Jason naughtily said in her ear, with the huskiest voice he had, still a little breathless. He softly kissed her neck, and Dianna smiled, catching her breath.

"That's definitely good" she said, humming and caressing his chest.

"U-hum. I'll have a lot of energy to spend. Be prepared, Dianna" he warned her, with a dangerous voice, and she felt shivers down her spine.

"You need to promise me something" she gently disheveled his hair, and he looked at her, smirking. "You won't hide from me if you change your mind".

Jason swallowed, looking at her face.

"I won't change-"

"Then you won't have a problem in promising me that" she raised an eyebrow, determined.

Jason sighed, then nodded.

"Sure. I promise. But I won't" he said, still stubborn.

Dianna smiled at him, feeling better.

Because she knew how stubborn Jason could be, and proud. He would never want to admit if he was wrong, and made the wrong decision.

But Dianna knew there was a high probability that Jason still would break that promise. But that was a problem for Future Dianna.

Right now, her only concern was to make a great use of Jason's abundant energy and free time.

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