Author's Note: TW: References to self- harm, trauma, references to past suicidal thoughts
Hi loves! Thanks for being patient! Enjoy this chapter! You are loved!
Chapter Summary: Harry continues to recover from destroying the Horcrux. He has a breakdown. Harry finds out news about Snape and tells Ron and Hermione what happened with Snape. Harry checks in with his grandmother.
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry wants to find the diadem and decides to go out for an adventure. Remus catches him and Harry gets in trouble and relapses. Remus does a psych evaluation on Harry. They destroy the diadem and the Horcrux touches on Harry's biggest fears before being destroyed. Harry struggles with the aftermath.
Harry became mentally stronger each day, but Remus easily saw the pain in Harry's eyes. At one of their therapy sessions, Remus talked about this.
"Harry, how do you think you're doing?"
Harry shrugged. "Okay. Better than before but not great."
"I can see that you're still struggling, Harry, and that's okay."
"It doesn't feel okay! It's almost been a week, Moony Da. I've destroyed a Horcrux before. Why is this taking so much out of me?"
"Well, your mental health is in a very different spot compared to your second year."
"True."
"And when you destroyed the diary, did it respond like the diadem responded?"
Harry shook his head. "No. I just had Riddle trying to convince me not to destroy it, but it was nothing like the diadem."
"You're comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits, but they're very different. Both the diary and the diadem were Horcruxes, but the situations were rather different."
Harry sighed. "I guess you're right, but I don't like it."
Remus gave Harry a sympathetic smile. "You don't have to like it, as long as you believe it."
Harry shrugged. "I'll work on it."
"I'll take it," Remus said with a small smile.
Harry continued to talk about his classes before abruptly changing the topic. "Moony Da?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Do you think my parents, Lily and James, would've let me destroy a Horcrux?"
"I think it would depend on the situation. They would first say no, but in this situation they'd come around, or at least James would. Lily would take a lot of convincing. She would be sure to look you over as soon as you were done. She was going to be a brilliant Healer."
"Do you think they're mad that I destroyed the Horcrux again?"
"Mad? Absolutely not. Worried, for sure. They loved you more than anything, Harry. James, Lily, Dadfoot and myself love you more than you will ever know. We only want the best for you."
Harry nodded, clearly stuck in his own mind. He had a lot to think about.
Harry continued to go through the motions, much to the concern of Sirius and Remus. They knew that eventually Harry would break.
And he did.
Harry was quietly sitting in Transfiguration, trying to ignore his racing thoughts. He was supposed to change the flobberworm to a fritter, but all he managed to do was cause the flobberworm to, well, flobber.
Harry was about to try again when a memory somehow broke through.
"He looks like a flobberworm!" Harry remembered.
Harry knew that voice.
Well, sort of. He knew that was the voice of his father, James.
Harry hastily stood up and his chair squeaked as it was pushed back.
Harry murmured something about needing to go and grabbed his bag and ran out of the room.
Minerva was concerned, but masked her face in front of her class. She didn't want to bring any more attention to the situation.
Meanwhile, Harry hurried through the halls with blurry eyes from tears he was trying to hold back.
As he was walking through the halls, he bumped into someone.
"Harry?"
Harry looked up and saw Sirius.
Harry immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius and started to sob.
"I've got you. I've got you, Pup," Sirius murmured into Harry's hair.
Sirius looked up and thankfully didn't see anyone in the corridor. He pulled Harry into an empty classroom and held him close.
Harry styed hugging Sirius for quite a while before he pulled away.
Sirius moved some hair out of Harry's face and gave the teenager a small smile. "What's going on? I'm here for you."
Harry sniffed. "It's just something that happened in transfiguration. Some memory."
Harry leaned against a wall and slid down it, onto the floor.
Sirius followed him and sat down next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not yet," Harry said.
"That's okay. We can sit here together. You're not alone."
Harry sniffed and nodded.
He and Sirius sat in silence for at least 25 minutes before Harry spoke again. "We were trying to transfigure flobberworms. As we were doing it, this memory came into my head. It was of my first dad, James, saying how I looked like a flobberworm." Harry let out a watery chuckle. "It triggered me, I guess."
Sirius nodded. "I think it's great that you recognized that. I've heard Moony go on and on about 'recognizing our triggers' so I know it's important."
Harry's heard the same from Remus and nodded his head. He was quiet for amoment before he spoke again.
"I just wish they never showed up with the Horcrux, y'know? I can battle the other things on my own, but this one is so hard."
"Two things. One, you don't need to battle anything on your own. Moony Da and I are right here for you. Second of all, I hear you. I wish I could hear James' voice again or hear him tell another joke and hear his laugh. I wish I could hear him tell me I'm doing a good job. We have to believe these things and trust other people that James would validate us in our feelings."
"You are doing a good job," Harry insisted.
"Thank you. You proved my point. You have some James in you and Moony tells me that James would tell us we're doing a good job, and we have to believe it."
"It's really hard," Harry admitted.
"It sure is," Sirius agreed.
It was quiet again for several minutes before Sirius noticed that Harry had started to cry again.
"Pup? What is it?" Sirius asked softly, rubbing Harry's back.
"I ran into you, but I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't! And I still want to!"
The unsaid words of what Harry wanted to do hung in the air.
"You didn't and you're fighting so hard. I am so proud of you, Harry. You're doing so well."
Harry shrugged and sniffed as he wiped away his tears.
"Is there a coping skill you want to try?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged again. "I dunno."
Sirius allowed quiet for a moment before reaching in his pocket and pulling out a fidget and handing it to Harry. "Try this, Pup."
Harry gratefully took it and began to fiddle with it.
"Dadfoot?" Harry asked.
"Yes?"
"Are you sure that the Horcrux wasn't right? It just feels so true and so real."
Sirius gently moved Harry's chin so that their eyes met. "Harry, I am sure that everything that was said was completely false. You are a wonderful, terrific boy who has so much to offer this world. I can't imagine my life without you."
Harry gave Sirius a watery smile before breaking eye contact and looking down.
"I'm here for you, Harry. I'm right here."
Sirius sat with Harry for a long time, just silently supporting him and occasionally saying reassuring words and phrases.
Eventually Sirius said, "Harry, how're you feeling?"
"Not great. The words are just in my head and I can't get them out!" Harry dropped the fidget and banged on his head as if the words could tumble out of his ear.
"Hey, hey, you're safe. Don't hurt yourself," Sirius said, stopping the movement.
"I've got to get it out somehow!" Harry said.
Sirius was quiet as he thought before saying, "Harry? Why don't we go see Moony Da, hm? He might be able to help us."
"Don't wanna bother him," Harry mumbled, his hand going over his arm and wrist.
"I think some help would be good right now," Sirius said, noticing what Harry was doing. "I want you to feel better."
"I am doing better than before," Harry insisted.
"And that's good," Sirius said, giving Harry a reassuring smile. "I don't want you to get worse, however. Sometimes when you sit for too long you make decisions that aren't the healthiest and I want to avoid that."
Harry grumbled, but deep down he knew it was true. "I don't want to move."
"I can bring Moony here," Sirius offered.
"No, it's fine. I'll move," Harry said. He was getting rather chilly on the floor and Moony's warm and comforting office was enticing right now.
"Let's go, Pup," Sirius said, standing up and helping Harry up.
Harry walked with Sirius to Remus' office, keeping his head down.
When they got to the therapist's office, Remus could immediately tell something was wrong.
"Hi, Siri. Hi, Harry. What's going on?" Remus asked, getting up from his desk and shutting the door behind them.
Sirius looked at Harry, but he was still looking down.
"Why don't we sit down?" Remus offered, gesturing to the couch.
Harry sat down and Sirius sat down next to him.
It was quiet again before Remus eventually spoke up and softly asked, "Harry, can you tell me what happened?"
Harry sighed. "It was in Transfiguration. A memory popped up and it triggered me."
"What was the memory?" Remus asked.
"It was of my first dad, James, saying I looked like a flobberworm because that's what we were supposed to be transfiguring. It made me think about the Horcrux and I couldn't take it anymore so I left."
Remus nodded. "Triggers are hard. I'm so sorry a funny memory became a trigger."
"I just don't know what he would've said! I don't know what he'd think of me!" Harry exclaimed. His hand went back to running over his arm before Sirius grabbed his hand and held it.
Remus sat for a moment, his heart breaking for his son.
"I wish we could prove to you that James and Lily were so proud of you. They loved you so much and nothing you can say or do will ever change that," Sirius said.
Remus perked up. "We can prove it!"
"How?" Sirius asked.
Harry looked up with hopeful eyes.
Remus didn't answer and instead stood up and went to his pensieve. He immediately pulled a memory out of his head and said, "I don't know why we never thought of this before."
"You've shown me memories before, Moony Da. I don't see how this one is going to be any different," Harry replied glumly.
"Trust me. Let's go in the memory, okay?"
Harry sighed. It couldn't hurt.
He stood up and walked with Sirius over to the Pensieve.
"Ready?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded.
Together, the three of them leaned in and fell into the memory.
"Look at him! He's so perfect! I love you Harry. I love you so much," James said, holding newborn Harry. "You are the most perfect baby there ever was, isn't he, Lils?"
"Yes, he is," a tired Lily Potter replied, laying in the hospital bed.
"James, let us hold Prongslet!" Remus insisted.
"One more moment," James replied. He brought the baby closer to his face. "No matter who you become, Harry, know that we are so proud of you in every way. You are our everything."
Suddenly the memory swirled and a new memory appeared. This time, Harry was around a year old and they were in Godric's Hollow.
James, Sirius, and Remus were outside, lounging on the grass as James talked softly to Harry.
"Harry you are the most magnificent thing. Harry, we are so proud of you. You are worth more than anything. You amaze us."
"James, he's trying to eat grass," Remus pointed out.
"So? I don't care what he does or who he is. I will always love my son."
"What if he's in Slytherin?" Sirius teased.
"I love him with all of my being."
"What if he becomes evil?"
"I'm still his father and I love him. I'll support him in everything he does."
"You don't even know what he's going to turn out like."
"I know that he's perfect in every way and nothing he does can ever change my mind about how wonderful he is. I love you, Harry. We love you."
The memory swirled away and they found themselves back in Remus' office.
All three had tears in their eyes at seeing James and Lily.
"See, Harry? Your parents love you and would be so proud of you. They would hate to see you hurting like this," Sirius said.
Harry suddenly wrapped his arms around Sirius and Remus and pulled them in a hug. "Thank you," he breathed.
Maybe things were looking up. Maybe things wouldn't be so difficult after all.
Little did Harry know, things were going to continue to be difficult.
That weekend, Dumbledore had called Severus for a meeting.
"Severus, thank you for joining me," Albus began, gesturing to a chair for Severus to sit in.
Severus sat down stiffly, not sure what this meeting was about.
"How are you doing?" Albus asked.
"Adequate," Snape replied.
"How are your meetings with the mind healer going?"
"FIne," Snape said through gritted teeth. He despised those meetings, but knew they were a requirement.
"I wanted to talk to you about your leave of absence," Albus began. "Originally we said a month or two, but it's been longer than that. I wanted to check in and see how you are doing with everything and talk about a return date."
"I am doing well, Albus. I go to my meetings and haven't touched a drink in months, besides a few sips when supervised by another adult. I attend my mind healer meetings and have stayed out of the way of Mr. Potter."
"Good, good. I do think you and Mr. Potter should talk before you start teaching again."
"He doesn't want to, Albus."
"I'll talk to him about it. Besides, i was thinking January is a good time for you to begin again. We will start small, with just 1-4 year classes."
"The younger years?" Severus growled. He'd rather keep his leave of absence.
"I am not about to have you teaching Harry when you go back. As you pointed out, he's still not ready."
Severus sighed, it made sense, but he didn't like it.
"You've got a few weeks to talk to him. I expect it done before the new year."
Severus nodded. This wouldn't be easy.
Seeing the memory of his parents helped Harry's recovery immensely, and by the time the full moon came around, Harry was able to spend the night in his dorm with his friends again.
Very soon, it was almost December holiday.
Harry was walking to his weekly session with Remus feeling pretty good.
His mood was actually decent and he was looking forward to the holidays.
When he got to Remus' office, he saw the door open and walked in. "Hey, Moony Da," Harry said casually, shutting the door behind him.
"Harry, come sit down," Remus said, giving him a smile.
"What's the matter?" Harry asked.
He may be oblivious, but something was clearly on Remus' mind.
"Nothing's wrong," Remus said. "Everyone is okay and safe."
Harry let out a breath. "Then why are you all stiff and solemn?" Harry asked.
"I want to talk to you about something."
"Okay," Harry said, getting comfortable on the couch.
"Do you want to talk about it now or at the end of the session? It's going to be a lot to take in," Remus warned.
"Tell me now. What is it?"
"Dadfoot and I met with Albus last night."
"And?" Harry asked expectantly.
"Severus would like to have a conversation with us and with you."
Harry's ears started to ring. He wasn't expecting this right now.
Remus saw Harry beginning to spiral and immediately put a weighted blanket on him and sat down next to him, grabbing his hand. "I told Albus that we would talk about it and see where you were at."
"S-so you didn't promise him anything?"
"Nothing," Remus confirmed. "I wanted to talk to you first."
Harry nodded and let go of Remus' hand and grabbed a fidget on the table.
"It worries me, Moony Da," Harry began slowly. "I don't feel safe around him. I don't know how this conversation is going to go. I still feel so angry."
"You're entitled to your feelings and they are valid."
"I also know that I should forgive him, but I just don't know how! He hurt me so much and I don't know how to let it go. Draco says he's doing so much better, but I don't know."
"I'm not asking you to trust him or even forgive him right now. Forgiveness is good, I agree. And forgiveness is helpful for you, too. It's good to let go of anger. I also know that it's a very difficult thing and it takes time."
Harry nodded. "Would I have to do Occlumency with him?"
"No!" Remus quickly said. "You're going to keep doing Occlumency with Dadfoot, myself, and Professor Dumbledore. You do not have to have a lesson with him."
Harry let out a small breath. That was something.
"Would I have to be alone in this meeting?" Harry asked.
"It's up to you. Dadfoot and myself are more than happy to be with you if you want us there. If not, we understand, too."
"I want you there," Harry said quickly.
"We'll be there, then."
"Where would we be?"
"In a neutral location. Possibly Dumbledore's office," Remus said.
Harry nodded, trying to digest the information. "When would it be?"
"It would be in the beginning of break. Probably the second or third day."
"So, in a couple of weeks, then?"
"Yes, Harry. But only if you're up for it. Dadfoot and I will put a stop to it if you're not ready."
Harry had half a mind to insist that he in fact was not ready to meet with him, but deep, deep down he knew it was time.
"Okay," Harry agreed. "If you and Dadfoot are with me."
"Are you sure, Harry?"
Harry nodded. "I can't hold onto this forever. Like you said, I don't have to trust him until I'm ready."
"That's right," Remus confirmed.
"I don't like it, but I'll do it."
"I'm so proud of you, Harry. Do you want to talk more about it now or later?"
"Both, if we can."
"Of course," Remus assured him lovingly.
"On the day, what will probably happen is we will meet Severus in Albus' office. He'll talk and then you will talk. After that, it's up to you how long you want to stay. Dadfoot and I will be right next to you the whole time. You'll be safe, I promise."
Harry nodded. "So if I want to leave at any time I can?"
"Of course. We're not going to make you stay in a situation where you feel unsafe, Harry."
Harry nodded, thinking.
"Why don't we make some plans of how you're going to stay safe before, during, and after the meeting?"
"Okay," Harry agreed.
"You'll be staying with us for break, so that's a way you'll be staying safe. We'll talk about it before and after, when you're ready of course."
"What about during the meeting?" Harry asked.
"We'll be right next to you. I think it's also important to have fidgets with us and we'll also have your wand with us during that meeting, too."
"Do you have to?" Harry whined.
"No but I think it'd a good idea so you don't go off by yourself after. What do you think?"
"Yeah, I guess," Harry grumbled reluctantly.
"What do you want or need during the meeting?" Remus asked Harry.
"I'm not sure. Can you just make sure I don't hyperventilate or something?" Harry asked, half joking.
"Of course," Remus said giving Harry a reassuring smile. "We're here for you."
Harry let out another breath and said, "I wasn't expecting this in therapy today, to be honest."
Remus nodded. "I know it's a lot to take in. How can I help you digest this information?"
"I'm not sure," Harry admitted.
"Well first, how do you feel about the plans we've made for you to stay safe. Do you think they're adequate enough?" Remus asked.
Harry thought about the plans they made. "Yeah. You'll have my wand and I'll have fidgets to use so that'll be good. And I'll be heading back to the Marauder Quarters after so i'll be near you. Yeah, I think that's good."
Harry was quiet for a moment before Remus spoke.
"Practicing talking about the situation can help, too," Remus said. "You might want to talk to Ron and Hermione or another friend about what happened. It might help you process some things."
"I can try," Harry said. "Talking about what happened might help, but talking to Snape just seems really challenging."
"Would it be easier to talk through it again or distract you?" Remus asked.
"I think I want a break from talking about it. A distraction or talking about something else would be helpful."
"We can do that," Remus said. He stood up and went to his cupboard where he pulled out a muggle game.
"Mancala?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, we haven't played that in ages!" Harry said.
Remus cleared off the coffee table and put the game on it. Harry movewd to the floor opposite of Remus.
"Do you remember how to play?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, of course!" Harry scoffed.
Remus and Harry continued to play until their time was up.
"Thanks Moony Da. That was fun."
"Anytime. I'll see you at dinner, yeah?"
"Yes, Sir," Harry nodded.
Remus kissed the top of Harry's head and murmured some positive affirmations before opening the door and welcoming his next patient.
Harry had time before dinner and went back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry saw Ron and Hermione sitting there, studying.
"Hey guys," Harry said, walking to them.
"Harry! Hey mate!" Ron exclaimed, smiling at his best friend.
"I wanted to talk to you about something that happened a while ago," Harry began.
"Sure, of course," Hermione said. "Do you want to talk here or go somewhere else?" Hermione asked.
"Let's go somewhere else," Harry replied, not wanting to be interrupted.
Harry led Ron and Hermione to the Room of Requirement and they found a small, cozy room for the three of them.
"What's up, Harry?" Ron asked once they were all settled.
"So when I was talking to Moony Da today, he told me that I should tell you guys what happened with Snape."
"Something happened? When?" Ron asked, oblivious.
"It was over the summer and it's the real reason he isn't teaching right now."
"What happened, Harry?" Hermione asked softly, touching Harry's hand.
Harry sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. He looked toward the ground and began to speak. "We were doing an Occlumency lesson. I've told you about those. I went for my lesson but he was drunk. I tried to leave, but he entered my mind, anyway."
Hermione gasped, placing a hand over her mouth.
"When I could, I ran away and Snape chased me until Grand- er Professor McGonagall found me and stopped him. He got in trouble and that's why he's not teaching right now and we have Slughorn."
"I'll kill him," Ron said, fuming.
"I'm doing better now, but I wanted to tell you both what happened."
"It explains a lot, Harry," Hermione said. "Thank you for trusting us with this information."
Harry shrugged. "It's no big deal. Er, I mean what happened was but telling you isn't. You're my best friends, of course I'll tell you. We started this together. You're stuck with me," Harry joked.
"We're not stuck with you," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah mate, more like you're stuck with us," Ron shot back.
Harry shook his head again.
Hermione laughed and checked her watch. "It's almost time for dinner. Do you guys want to head down?"
"I'm always ready to eat," Ron said.
"Let's go," Harry replied.
The three went down for dinner and Remus smiled as they walked in. He was so happy to see his cub acting like a teenager, just joking with his friends.
After dinner, Harry lingered, talking to his friends. Eventually, he went up to the head table and said, "I'll be back at some point tonight. There are a few things I want to do first."
"Be home by curfew," Remus said, standing up and turning to talk to Professor Sinistra.
"Just be home around curfew. It's just a guideline," Sirius whispered to Harry.
"Thanks Dadfoot. I'll see you later," Harry chuckled before heading off with this friends.
Harry spent an hour in the dorm before he said his goodbyes. He started back to the Marauder Quarters, but doubled back when he got an idea.
Harry went toward the Gryffindor Tower, but knocked on a door.
"Come in."
Harry stepped in the office.
"Mr. Potter?"
"I was hoping I could talk to my grandma," Harry said.
Minerva softened her face. "Of course, Harry. Sit down. Are you doing alright?"
"Oh yes, I'm all good. I just haven't talked to you in a while. We haven't seen each other as much since we finished animagus lessons and I've missed you."
Minerva's heart melted. She loved this boy so much. "I've missed you too, leanbh," Minerva replied. "How have you been? Better this month?" Minerva asked, clearly still concerned for him.
"I'm doing better. It's still hard, though. It's not easy knowing that I have to die for this, but Moony Da and I are working through it."
"You aren't going to die," Minerva replied fiecely.
Harry gave her a sad smile. "We'll see."
"Nothing is going to happen to you while I'm around."
"Thanks, Grandma Min," Harry replied. "How are you?"
"I'm good, Harry. You know how classes are."
"Yes, but you assign us essays that are way too long!"
Minerva gave him a stern look. "They wouldn't be too long if you didn't procrastinate."
Harry averted his eyes to the ground. He couldn't handle the Professor McGonagall stare.
Minerva smiled. She still had it. "I'm ready for break, as I am sure you are, too."
"Yes. I need a break from all of this," Harry said, gesturing with his hands.
"It will be here before you know it," Minerva glanced at the clock, "as will curfew. I think you better be heading back to your quarters?" She advised with a raised eyebrow.
Harry sighed. So much for 'guidelines', like Sirius said. "Fine. Can I give you a hug before I go?"
"Of course," Minerva replied.
Harry stood up and walked toward her before giving her a big hug.
"I love you so much, leanbh. You stay safe," Minerva whispered, overcome with emotion.
"I'll try," Harry replied.
They let go and Minerva kissed his head. "Off with you. Get back before you get in trouble for being out."
Harry sighed good-naturedly. "Yes, ma'am."
Minerva pointed toward the door and Harry went out it.
One of these days he'll convince her to stay out past curfew.
One of these days he'll be happy he's alive.
Until then, he'll just keep going.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200