AN: Hi everyone! You are so incredibly loved! I hope you like this chapter :)
Previous Chapter Summary: December holidays arrive. Harry has a conversation with Snape. Harry struggles with forgiveness.
Chapter Summary: School starts back up again. Harry has a major attitude and avoids his parents. There's an incident in Potions.
Harry wasn't ready for school to start up again in January, and he had a conversation with his godparents about it one night.
"Harry, it seems like something's bothering you. Are you okay?" Remus asked.
Harry had been quiet all evening and was currently playing with the fringe of the blanket he was using.
"I'm fi-" Harry began to say, but stopped at Remus and Sirius' raised eyebrows.
Harry sighed. "I'm worried about going back to classes, is all. I'm worried about Snape starting up with classes and something about this semester just feels different. I dunno how to explain it, but it feels different."
Remus nodded and hummed. "I hear you. A lot is going on in your life."
"There have been 4 Horcruxes destroyed, and 3 more to go. I can't stop thinking about that and school. My classes just seem so inconsequential compared to it. I wish classes wouldn't start up again so I could just find the last Horcrux and be done with it all."
"I know what it's like to think that classes aren't important and don't have a purpose," Sirius said. "I promise you, they're important for your future."
"Moony Da and I have talked about that in our sessions," Harry said, shutting down.
"Siri, will you give Harry and me a few minutes?" Remus asked.
"Of course. I'll be in our room."
Remus gave Sirius a thankful smile and watched him walk away before putting up a silencing charm.
"I put up a silencing charm, Cub. What's on your mind?" Remus asked kindly.
"Dadfoot talked about the bloody future," Harry said. "I've already said that I don't see a future for myself! We've talked about this! Classes just don't seem important!"
"I know. You're right, we have talked about it. I think Dadfoot was trying to explain how he never thought the classes would be useful and then ended up using them in his time as an Auror and as a professor. He wasn't trying to trigger you."
"I know that; it's just hard."
"It is, you're right. I know it feels hard, Harry. I'm sorry."
Harry shrugged. "Thanks."
"What can I do to help?" Remus asked.
"Not much, unless you know where one of the Horcruxes is so I can destroy it."
"I can't do that, but I can support you and tell you I'm always here for you"
Harry sighed and gave Remus a weary smile. "I know, Moony Da. It's just frustrating."
"I know. We're working on it together, yeah?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"Is there anything I can say or do for you before Dadfoot comes back?"
"No, Moony Da. Sorry about that."
"Hey, there's no reason to apologize. I'm proud of you for talking about it, okay?"
"Okay," Harry replied.
Remus took down the silencing charm and then said, "You can come back now, Padfoot."
Sirius came back in and gave Remus and Harry a warm smile. "Everything okay?"
Remus looked at Harry who gave Sirius a nod.
"Good."
Sirius popped into Padfoot and curled up next to Harry. Harry rolled his eyes but didn't fight it and started to pet the animagus. At least some things were still comforting.
Harry didn't feel particularly social when everyone was coming back from holiday. He stayed in the Marauder Quarters and only dragged himself out of bed for the feast because he knew he 'had' to go.
"Harry! You're here!" Hermione said as she rushed to hug her friend.
"Hi, Hermione," Harry said, hugging her back. "How was your holiday?"
"Oh, it was brilliant!" Hermione exclaimed before going into detail as Harry sat down.
Ron clapped Harry on the back, and Harry received several smiles from his other Gryffindor friends.
Hermione was still talking but was stopped by Professor Dumbledore standing up and starting to talk.
Harry zoned out, but his ears unfortunately picked up Dumbledore saying, "And please welcome back Professor Snape, who has returned from his sabbatical."
Snape reluctantly stood up.
"He will be teaching the first through fourth years while Professor Slughorn will continue our older years."
"Greasy git," Ron said under his breath. "Ignore him, Harry."
Harry gave Ron a weak smile and did his best to block out the rest of Dumbledore's speech.
Harry knew that Sirius and Remus were looking at him, but he didn't dare look up. He didn't want their concern. He was fine. It was fine.
After dinner, Harry went to his dorm room. While he still wasn't feeling social, he wanted to avoid his parents even more at the moment.
However, Sirius and Remus knew this.
"Can't we just go get him?" Sirius asked Remus, throwing up his arms.
"He's in his dorm with his roommates. We checked the map and I think that's enough of an invasion of his privacy."
"He's clearly avoiding us because he doesn't want to talk about how he's feeling," Sirius pointed out.
"I know. I also know Harry will come to us when he's ready, one way or another. We need to give him time."
"What if he doesn't come to us?"
"Maybe he'll be okay, Siri. We have to believe that Harry is going to be okay. We talked about it before school started back up. We have to trust him."
"Fine. I don't like it, but I'll accept it."
"You'll see him in classes, and I'll see him for our weekly session. We can check in on him then."
"Okay, you're right," Sirius said, taking a deep breath. "I see him Wednesday for History. We just have to hang on until then.
"He's got his necklace and he knows where we are if he needs anything. He's going to be alright," Remus reminded his husband.
Harry certainly inherited his mother's stubbornness as he didn't make any contact with his parents on Monday or Tuesday.
On Wednesday, Sirius was relieved to see his son all in one piece for History.
Harry did his best to ignore Sirius as much as he could, although he knew he couldn't much longer. He didn't feel like talking about his feelings. It was hard enough seeing Snape around and hearing people talk about him again. He wanted to disappear and hide and was trying his best to do just that.
Against Sirius' better judgment, he called Harry to stay back after class.
Harry tried to leave with everyone else and pretended he didn't hear Sirius, but his godfather called again.
"Mr. Potter, say after."
There was no room for argument in Sirius' tone.
"Harry, he's calling you," Hermione said, putting a hand on Harry's arm.
Harry sighed and said, "Can't we just ignore it? Please?"
"I think not," a voice said from Harry's side.
Harry turned and saw Sirius standing there with his arms crossed. "Come with me, Mr. Potter."
Harry sighed and waved to his friends before reluctantly following Sirius up the stairs and to his office.
"Harry, what is going on? Why are you avoiding us? Even Marlene said you didn't give her the time of day on Monday."
"No one else has to deal with their parents at this school! I should be allowed to live my bloody life without checking in with you all the time!"
"Harry, you know we're worried about you. You're still recovering from what happened a few months ago."
"Yeah, when I wanted to kill myself," Harry said dryly, filling in the gap.
Sirius held back a sigh and nodded. "Yes, that. We care about you."
"Dadfoot, it's fine. I don't want to talk about it."
"You know what, Harry? I've heard that a lot from you lately. Too many times."
Harry was surprised at the tone Sirius was using. "Why are you so angry?" Harry asked.
"Besides the fact that you've been ignoring us for days? I'm frustrated that you're not talking about things that are affecting you. You're bottling it up and it scares me!"
"I see Moony Da every week."
"I know, but that doesn't mean you're not holding back." Sirius stopped and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. My worry is turning into anger and you don't deserve that. I just don't like how you're not talking."
"Dadfoot I'm 16 years old. I'm allowed to not tell my parents things."
"I know, you're right. It's just different because you're my kid."
"Listen, I'll talk to Moony Da tomorrow, okay? We have our session then. If you have concerns about things then we can talk about it later. I just can't right now, Dadfoot. Please understand."
Sirius looked at Harry's pleading face. "Alright. But I do want you to reach out if you need anything."
"I know. Can I go now?" Harry asked.
Sirius nodded and Harry turned and headed down the stairs. Sirius watched him leave before flooing to Remus' office (he let the class out early so he had time).
"Remus we have to talk," Sirius said as he stormed into the therapist's office.
"Sirius? Are you alright?"
"I'm frustrated!"
"What's going on?" Remus asked.
"Well I just had Harry in class and he did his best to ignore me and I was sick of it. I tried to have him stay after and he ignored that, too. I had to go up to him and bring him to my office myself."
Remus sighed. "Siri, you didn't."
"What? He was ignoring us! I was worried!"
"Sirius, he's a teenager. Of course, he's going to have periods where he ignores us."
"It's different with him!" Sirius protested.
"And why is that?" Remus asked.
"Because he's not okay! He's hurting! And I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad!"
"Oh, Pads," Remus sighed. "Cornering him only makes him want to run more."
"But we've done it before! When we found out about the blood quill and his self-harm, remember?"
"Of course, I remember that day. I'll never forget it. That was different. Harry was being hurt and was actively hurting himself. He's not being hurt or hurting himself right now."
"We don't know that!" Sirius insisted.
"Did you smell blood?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head.
"Was he fiddling with his sleeves or cradling his wrist?"
Sirius shook his head again.
"Then we have to trust him that he's doing alright."
"Ugh, Moony! I thought you would back me up!"
"I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm worried about him, too. I just don't want to push him away. He'll come to us in time."
"I guess you're right," Sirius said, his anger and frustration finally deflating.
"Remember, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."
"You and your muggle phrases. Why would you catch a fly, anyway?" Sirius asked.
Remus chuckled. "It's a saying. It means you'll attract people more by being kind and sweet than you will by being aggressive and bitter."
"I'm not bitter!" Sirius gasped.
"I think you're a bit bitter," Remus said, walking over to Sirius on the couch.
"I'm not! I'm sweet! I'm loveable!"
"You're certainly loveable to me," Remus said, sitting down and kissing him.
Sirius kissed back, and they kissed for a few minutes before Remus reluctantly broke apart. "You have to go, and I have students to see."
Sirius sighed. "I suppose you're right. I trust we can continue this later?"
"Of course," Remus said, giving Sirius a quick peck.
Sirius and Remus both went back to their respective jobs, but not forgetting about Harry. Both were thankful he had a session tomorrow and hoped he would open up.
It was the next day and Remus was waiting for Harry to start their session. It was five minutes into the session and Remus was about to open the map when Harry walked in.
"Hey," Harry said, taking his spot on the couch.
"Hi, Harry. How're you doing?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"If you don't want to talk to me I can get another healer," Remus offered.
Harry shook his head. "No, I don't want that. You know I don't want to talk to anyone else."
"I know you've said it in the past, but I wanted to check and see if that has changed."
"It hasn't."
"What would you like to talk about?" Remus asked, changing the subject.
Harry shrugged again.
"We can talk about how annoying Dadfoot is," Remus suggested.
Harry cracked a small smile, but still shook his head.
"How about a game, then? You don't have to talk if you don't want to."
"Okay," Harry said, not wanting to say anything.
Remus and Harry played two rounds of Speed and by then, Harry was smiling for real.
As Harry started to shuffle the cards, he began to talk. "You know, I was late because I didn't want to come. I debated but decided I should come and not say anything."
"I'm glad you're here," Remus said.
Harry shrugged and kept shuffling the cards. "Dadfoot trapped me yesterday. I didn't like it."
"He told me about it. Want to tell me what happened?"
Harry sighed. He leaned back on the couch but kept the cards in his hands, fiddling with them.
"He kept me back after class and basically told me to open up. He said he was tired of hearing me say that I don't want to talk about things. It wasn't fair."
"I didn't know that, I'm sorry," Remus said, making a mental note to speak to Sirius once again about this.
"I could tell he felt a little bad. He said his worry was turning into anger and he didn't want that. I tried to tell him that I talk with you, but he said I could still be holding back."
"That wasn't okay of Dadfoot to say, Harry. You're doing so well both in life and in our sessions. He was clearly worried and frustrated, but he had no right to take it out on you."
Harry shrugged.
Remus could see that Harry was uncomfortable so he tried to change the topic. "How have your classes been going?"
Harry was relieved by the change of topic. "Good. I had potions the other day which I was worried about, but it went fine, and I wasn't triggered, thank goodness."
"I'm glad to hear that. Do you have a plan if you do become triggered?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"Why don't we make a plan together?"
"I guess," Harry shrugged.
Ah, the enthusiasm of teenagers.
"I'll take it. Now, if you're triggered, where are you going to go?"
"I can go to my room?" Harry asked hopefully.
"You can," Remus said slowly. "There are better options, though. Can you think of any?"
"I can come to you," Harry groaned.
"Yes, you can. You can also go to any other trusted adult."
Harry sighed and rolled his eyes.
Remus had to push down his dad side and lean into the therapist side. The side of him that was a father wanted to reprimand Harry for his attitude, but Remus knew that wasn't his role at the moment.
"What else can you do?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"I know you know. I want to hear you say them," Remus said, a serious edge to his voice.
Harry huffed and put the cards he was holding down on the table. "I can use fidgets or do a breathing exercise."
"Good. Those are great ideas."
Harry didn't respond.
"Do you want to talk about your feelings right now?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. "I just want space."
"Alright. I'll let you go early, but I want you to promise to come and get me or another adult if things become too much, alright?"
"I promise," Harry said.
"Good. You're free to go."
Harry stood up, grabbed his bag, and left Remus shaking his head.
Teenagers.
Harry finished the week still avoiding his parents. He spent the weekend in the dorms, still avoiding any adults, and immersed himself in the dorm life.
Harry made it through Monday, still avoiding Marlene (which she hated and understood at the same time).
On Tuesday, however, all that was about to change.
Harry showed up at Potions and sat next to Draco.
"Hey, mate. How are you?" Draco asked.
"'M good. Nothing too crazy. I spent the weekend in the tower, so that was nice."
"Yeah, I bet it was," Draco replied.
"How are you?" Harry asked.
"I'm good. Glad to see you."
Before Harry could say anything else, a door slammed shut and there were footsteps walking toward the front of the room.
Harry's breath got caught in his throat and he forgot how to breathe for a moment.
It was Snape.
"Professor Slughorn is sick, so I will be filling in. Let's see if you have any sense of capability after all this time. Open to page 54 and begin."
Harry was frozen until Draco put a hand on his arm. "Harry? Do you want to leave?"
Harry took a deep breath. "No. It's fine. I can do this."
Draco ignored the use of 'fine' and said, "Are you sure? No one would judge you."
"It's fine," Harry said more forcefully this time. He opened up his book and then went to the storeroom to gather supplies, Draco right behind him.
Internally, Harry was panicking. He wasn't ready to have Snape teach him again, but thankfully, he had the Half-Blood Prince to help.
Harry took a deep breath and grabbed the supplies, keeping his head down. He didn't want to make eye contact.
Harry quietly began his potion. He picked up his knife to cut something up, very aware of Draco's eyes on him. Harry's hand was shaking, and he quickly set the knife down.
"Harry!" Draco hissed.
Harry just shook his head. He shook his hand out before picking up the knife and using it.
Draco shook his head and began to work on his potion, but continually checked on Harry.
Harry was a third of the way through the potion when there was a shriek and a student was gripping their arm.
"You imbecile! What have you done?" Snape roared.
Draco immediately went to the student to examine the wound. "He needs to go to the Hospital Wing," Draco said.
"Please escort Mr. Leven there and make sure he doesn't injure himself further," Snape said, mocking the student.
Draco nodded and walked the student out.
Harry turned back to his potion and suddenly Snape was at his side. Harry held his breath, unsure of what to expect, before he heard Snape mutter a stasis spell on Draco's potion.
As the professor walked away, Harry let out the breath he was holding.
Harry actually had hope that he could finish the lesson without an incident, that is, until Snape started berating the students.
Harry felt that Snape had to skip him, there was no way Snape would make the situation worse. However, that didn't change the fear Harry had.
As he waited the two minutes for his potion to change color, Harry felt his nails make their way to his skin and he began to scratch. He wanted to feel something other than fear and anxiety. He needed something to ground himself. Harry was so nervous and unsure of what was going to happen.
Draco walked back in as Snape finally approached Harry. Snape stood there for a moment and sneered before shaking his head, causing some Slytherins to laugh.
Harry looked down, his breath quickening.
Draco got back to their table and immediately saw Harry's hands underneath the table. He gently grabbed them and pulled them out.
Harry had stopped the motion, but the red scratches were visible on Harry's wrist.
"Harry," Draco whispered, hurting for his friend.
Harry looked up and saw Draco's sad eyes.
That was the final straw. Harry's breath once again got caught in his throat and he bolted.
Harry ran out of the room and into the corridors of the dungeon.
He had no idea where he was going, but his body was just ready to get out of that situation. He was in fight or flight mode, and his body chose flight.
Meanwhile, the whole class stared as Harry ran out of the classroom. Snape looked at Draco and Draco shook his head.
"Continue!" Snape barked, causing everyone to look down and get back to work.
Draco grabbed Harry's textbook and potion materials before also leaving the classroom, trying to find his friend.
Harry twisted and turned and went up many flights of stairs before finally settling in an abandoned corridor. He gasped for breath and knew he was having a panic attack. Once again, his nails went to his wrist and he dug them in before running them back and forth over his wrist. Eventually, Harry was able to come back to the present. He slowed his scratching and looked around, trying to figure out where he was.
Draco, on the other hand, had no idea where Harry went. He was checking all of Harry's usual spots before finally giving up.
He knew Harry would hate it, but he knew he had to go to Remus.
When Draco arrived at the therapist's office, the door was open and Draco walked in.
"Draco! It's good to see you. How are you?" Remus asked.
"I'm alright, Professor. I, uh, have to tell you what happened in potions."
Remus' eyebrows creased with worry. "Is Harry okay?"
"I can't find him. He ran out and I don't know where he went."
"What happened? What caused this?" Remus asked as he opened the drawers of his desk, trying to find the Marauders Map.
"Snape was filling in for Slughorn today."
Remus froze and looked at Draco. "Are you serious?"
Draco nodded.
"Shit," Remus swore.
"I left to take a student to the hospital wing and when I came back Harry was scratching his wrist. I said his name and then he bolted."
"I'll take care of it, Draco. Thank you so much."
"Of course, Professor," Draco replied.
Remus now found the map and turned around, muttering the password under his breath.
Draco took this as a sign to leave and walked out, heading back to potions.
It took Remus a few minutes to find Harry, but every second felt like an eternity.
Remus found Harry in a corner of an abandoned corridor.
Remus closed up his office and took the map with him as he headed toward his son.
Remus was expecting to spot his son but instead found a stag, lying down in the corner.
"Harry?" Remus called out.
Harry the stag looked up like a deer caught in the headlights. He stood up and scooched back against the wall before losing his balance and falling.
"I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe," Remus said.
Harry looked around, trying to find a way to escape.
Remus saw this and looked around as well before popping into Moony the wolf.
Harry seemed to relax some and allowed the wolf to come closer. The wolf nuzzled the head of the stag and let out a loving noise.
Harry laid down and the wolf curled up next to him.
They stayed there for a good forty-five minutes before Remus popped back into himself.
"Hey Cub? Can we chat for a minute? Please?"
Harry sighed but popped back into himself.
"Hey," Remus said, smiling at seeing his son.
"Hey," Harry whispered back.
"How're you doing?"
Harry shrugged. "Better than before."
"Can you tell me what happened?" Remus asked.
"You already know," Harry pointed out.
"I'd like to hear it from you."
"Well," Harry began. "I went to potions and everything was good and then Snape showed up. Apparently, Slughorn was sick so he was filling in. I was doing alright until Snape started to yell at people and make fun of them. When he came to me he didn't say anything, but still glared and shook his head. Then I-" Harry abruptly stopped talking.
"You what?" Remus asked softly.
Harry looked down at the ground. "I scratched myself. I was even okay then but when Draco came back he looked at me with pity and I couldn't take it. I ran. Then I came here. I knew I was having a panic attack and I scratched again before needing to dull my emotions so I popped into my animagus form. Then you found me."
Remus nodded. "I'm glad you're safe. I'm so sorry you were triggered. None of that sounds easy."
"It wasn't."
"Can I examine your wrist? I want to make sure you're okay."
Harry knew he couldn't avoid this so he gave Remus his arm.
"These aren't too bad, Love. I can heal them now if you want?"
Harry hesitated but nodded.
Remus quickly healed the scratches and then said, "Can I put the charm back on your fingers?"
"Do you have to?" Harry asked.
"I think it's something important to do to keep you safe."
"Alright," Harry agreed, sighing.
Remus applied the charm before turning back to look at Harry's face.
"Harry, I'm glad you're okay and you're safe."
"You're not mad? We just talked about what I should do when I'm triggered and I didn't do any of them."
"I'm not mad at all! Cub, you dealt with a very difficult situation in the best way you could. You did what you could to calm yourself down. I'm glad you're safe now."
"I did my best," Harry sniffed.
"I know, I know," Remus said, pulling Harry close into a hug.
Harry stayed there, content, for a couple of minutes before pulling apart.
"What are we going to do now?" Harry asked.
"I think we should have dinner in the Marauder Quarters and have a long overdue chat, hm?"
Harry nodded. He's avoided them long enough and look where it got him.
Time to face the music.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200