Author's Note: Hi loves! Sorry, this chapter is short, but I hope you like it! The next chapter should be up next month. You are loved!
TW: references to self-harm, urges to self-harm, anger, mentions of medication
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry has his Occlumency lesson with Snape and it does not go according to plan. Harry fights with his parents and Marlene and Dorcas intercept him. Harry and Draco hang out. Harry talks to his parents. Harry has major attitude and walks out of History.
Chapter Summary: Harry cools off with some help. Harry sees Ron and Hermione. Harry and Remus make a special spot.
Harry didn't know where to go when he stormed off. He kept walking until he found his way to the Quidditch Pitch. He grabbed a broom and started to fly. He calmed down after about fifteen minutes of intense flying. He didn't even know why he was so angry. Well, he did, it was his punishment. But he got the punishment for storming off and now he just stormed off again. Harry groaned and threw his head back. He really screwed up.
Harry flew around for another fifteen minutes or so before landing, feeling much, much better. He knew he would be in trouble and headed to Remus' office where the door was shut.
Harry sat down in the waiting room and fiddled with his hands nervously. He wanted to cut so badly right now as he still felt all out of sorts, but deep down he knew that this was a better solution.
Within a minute, the door opened and Remus walked out. He didn't seem surprised to see Harry, so Harry assumed he must've had the map open.
"Harry, why don't you come in," Remus said, his voice neutral.
Harry stood up and nodded. He slowly walked into the office and he saw Sirius waiting for him.
Harry froze and took a step back.
As upset as Sirius was, he knew he had to address this. His face softened and he said, "Harry, I'm never going to hurt you, remember? You're safe with us."
Harry took a deep breath and nodded before walking to the couch where he sat down.
"Harry, before we even get into it, I want to know why you came here," Remus said after shutting the door.
"I was worried. I knew I messed up. I didn't want to do something I'd regret. I didn't know Dadfoot would be here."
Remus nodded approvingly. "I'm glad you came, too."
It was silent for a moment before Remus spoke up again. "Harry, what happened today?"
"I was frustrated."
"We could tell," Sirius added in, rather unhelpfully.
Harry held back a sigh. "I was mad about my punishment. I felt like you guys were being unfair. And that built up with the shame from last night and the fear I have and all these other emotions and it just became too much."
"What other emotions?" Remus asked.
"I'm just overwhelmed with feelings. I'm angry and sad and confused and hurt and worried and ashamed and, ugh, I don't even know."
"You've been punished before, Harry. Why is this one bothering you so much?" Remus asked.
"I'm not totally sure," Harry admitted. "Part of me is mad that I came to you for help and I feel like I was punished for it. I know, I know I would've had consequences no matter what, but I'm doing the best I can! I swear it!" Harry teared up and furiously blinked his eyes so he wouldn't cry.
"What are you feeling Harry? What's causing you to become emotional?" Remus asked gently.
"I'm doing my best and it clearly isn't enough!"
"Your best is enough," Remus replied firmly.
"Then why am I being punished?!"
"Because sometimes we need some help in reminding us what we should do and how we should act. It doesn't mean that your best isn't enough," Remus explained.
Harry shrugged.
"Something is causing you to act out right now and Dadfoot and I aren't sure what's going on," Remus said after a brief moment of silence.
Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, ugh. I don't know."
It was silent as Harry thought.
"I mean, part of it is that you're taking me away from my friends. They're an important coping skill for me and you're isolating me from them. That's hard."
'I didn't think of that," Sirius admitted.
"That wasn't our intention, Harry. We want you to have all of your healthy coping mechanisms available to you, all the time," Remus said.
Harry mumbled a "thanks".
"What else?" Remus asked after a moment. "You've been acting out since before you received the punishment."
"I don't know!" Harry suddenly shouted, standing up. He yanked on his hair and squeezed his eyes shut, failing to hold back his tears.
Remus gave him a moment, seeing if he was going to regulate himself, before stepping in.
"Harry, don't hurt yourself," Remus reminded him gently, taking Harry's hand out of his hair.
"I deserve it, don't I?!" Harry snapped back through his tears.
"Never," Remus said firmly. "No matter what you do, you never deserve to be hurt."
"It doesn't feel that way," Harry admitted.
"I'm sorry it doesn't. No matter what you do, how you feel, or what we say or do, you never deserve to be hurt," Remus reiterated, restating what he just said.
"I don't- I can't-" Harry huffed. His hand went back to his hair but Remus stopped him. "Harry, what is it?" Remus asked, concerned.
"I don't know! I can't put into words how I feel. I just keep making everything worse! And it's bloody terrible! I'm not even sure how I feel and it's scary! I don't know what's going on with me. If I did, I'd tell you."
Harry turned away to face the wall. He wiped a few tears that fell down his face before looking away.
"Are you taking your medication?" Remus asked gently.
"Yes!" Harry cried angrily.
Remus didn't appreciate the tone Harry used, but he also recognized that Harry was unregulated and wasn't able to control himself at the moment.
"It was working well for the longest time. Maybe it's time we up the dose?" Remus suggested.
"I don't care! I'm just tired of feeling like this!"
Remus nodded. "It's a lot, isn't it?"
Harry nodded before looking back to his parents. "Do you know how hard it is to have all of these feelings and not be able to describe them? It's bloody terrible!"
"I've been there, Harry. I know it is overwhelming and it seems unbearable at times," Remus said.
"Harry, when you're feeling that way it's important to stop everything you're doing and try to get help. It's not helpful to sit and let the feelings fester. You were so angry," Sirius said.
"I didn't want to be. I didn't want to have all of these feelings," Harry said. He groaned again and yanked at his hair again.
"Harry, no," Remus said gently, but firmly. He moved over to sit next to his son and took his hands in his own. "Harry, we need to regulate your body right now. I know a lot is going on in your head. Would you like to have physical space around you or be close to someone?"
"I don't know!" Harry cried, trying to throw his arms up and yank at his hair again.
"Let's try a weighted blanket since you have had some space," Remus suggested.
Remus put a weighted blanket on Harry and sat back down next to him.
"How's that feel?" Remus asked after a moment.
"I dunno," Harry said, irritated.
After a few minutes of that, Harry stripped the blanket off of him. "It's too much. I don't like it."
"That's okay, I understand," Remus said soothingly. "How did it feel when you had space? What were you doing?"
"I was flying. It helped me calm down, but it didn't take away my urge to hurt myself. Moony Da! I really hate this!"
"Harry, I'm going to get a potion for you," Remus said after a moment of thinking, standing up.
"Why?"
"Right now you're unable to regulate yourself. It's okay. It happens sometimes."
"Is it just a calming draught?"
"It's similar to it. It's the Wizard equivalent of a Xanax."
Harry wrinkled his nose. It sounded familiar but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"We'll talk more about it later. Here, have this," Remus said, pulling a potion out of his cupboard and giving it to Harry.
Harry quickly took it and within a few moments felt his body start to calm down. He could think clearly and didn't feel so overwhelmed.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked gently, seeing the tension slowly leave Harry's body.
"Better," Harry mumbled.
"Good," Remus said warmly. "Now, can you tell us more about how you're feeling?"
Harry thought for a moment before shrugging. "I don't know, Moony Da. I wish I could tell you but I'm really not sure. Maybe it is the medication."
"What would make you feel better right now?" Remus asked.
"I haven't been sleeping well. Can I take a nap, please?"
"Sure, Cub," Remus said. "We'll take you back to our quarters, alright?"
Harry nodded, finally calming down for the first time in days.
They flooed to the Marauder Quarters and Harry walked to his door but lingered outside of it.
"What is it, Cub?"
"I feel calmer, I swear I do."
"But?" Remus prompted.
"But I still want to hurt myself," Harry whispered. "I know you're angry at me, Dadfoot, and I know I messed up, but can Padfoot sleep with me until you have class? Please?"
Sirius' face softened. He went over to Harry and put a hand on his shoulder. "Harry, I don't care what you've done. I'm your dad and I always will be. I'm always here to help you, okay?"
Harry nodded.
"Come on, Pup," Sirius said, leading Harry into the bedroom.
Remus followed the two of them into the room. Harry got in bed and Sirius popped into Padfoot and jumped up on the bed. Remus began to tuck Harry in and sat on the edge of his bed.
"I'm going to be in my office, but I'm only a floo call away."
Luckily, it was lunchtime still so Sirius didn't have to be at class yet. Harry curled up and held Padfoot close to him, feeling the softness on his cheek. "I love you," Harry whispered before closing his eyes. Padfoot nuzzled in closer to the teenager, feeling happy that things were going back to normal with Harry.
When Harry woke up he wasn't surprised to see that Padfoot had left. He still felt calm from the potion, which he was thankful for. Harry made his way out of his bedroom and saw a note on the table. Harry quickly scanned it and saw that Remus wanted to see him when he woke up. Harry sighed but started to walk to Remus' office.
The door was closed once again so Harry sat outside in a waiting room chair. He played with the sand garden until he heard his name. He looked up and saw Remus standing there.
"Come on in," Remus said.
Harry stood up and went into the room. He found himself sitting on the couch again and he hugged a pillow close to him.
"How was your nap?" Remus asked, sitting down.
"Good. I, uh, still feel pretty calm. Thanks again."
"Of course," Remus said as he gave Harry a small smile. "Do you still want to hurt yourself?"
"Yeah," Harry said as he shifted his eyes down to the ground. "Not quite as much as before but yeah, I still want to."
"Why?" Remus asked.
"I know you said I don't deserve it, but I still feel like I do. I've messed so much up in the last couple of days and I just want to forget about them for a little bit. Cutting gives me a break," Harry admitted.
Remus nodded and crossed his legs. "I understand that. What is something else that gives you a break?" Remus asked.
"I can't do anything else that gives me a break. Sometimes it's flying, but I already tried that today. Others are getting away from Hogwarts and we can't do that right now. Not only is it the school day, but we can't leave because of Voldemort. I feel trapped."
Harry sat back, almost surprised at what he said. "Huh. Maybe that's why I've been acting out, or at least part of it. I feel so trapped. I don't know why I couldn't think of that earlier."
"Sometimes things come out when we're talking. Therapy is a great place to process things and figure things out."
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"I know it's been hard having to stay here. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten for you. I'm sorry."
Harry shrugged and looked out the window.
"Well, the first step is figuring out that you feel trapped and I'm so glad you did. To help feel untrapped, there are a couple of things we can try."
Harry looked up, interested in what Remus was going to say.
"We can practice mindfulness techniques to give your mind some space. We can also make a space for you to go that gives you a sense of peace. A place where you feel safe and is just for you."
"We can do that?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Yes, we can. Do you think that would help give you a space where you can feel less trapped, at least physically?"
Harry nodded.
"Another thing I would typically recommend is making a vision board. I know the future is a tough spot for you, but if you ever feel like thinking about it, we can create one together."
Harry nodded.
"Now, let's talk about this space."
Remus and Harry began to brainstorm ideas. They eventually decided on a large closet that was blocked off from students on a floor that is rarely used. They planned on having a charmed window, pillows, blankets, books, and even a few stuffies (Remus insisted on those and Harry secretly liked the idea, but would never admit it).
"You are always welcome in the Marauder Quarters, of course, but this is a place that is just for you. You can go there any time."
"Even after curfew?" Harry asked.
"Even after curfew," Remus affirmed, smiling.
"Can we make it right now?" Harry asked.
"I have another appointment, but how about later this evening after dinner? We can go then."
"That would be great, thanks Moony Da."
"Of course. Now, what are you going to do to stay safe right now?"
"I'm not sure," Harry admitted. "What do you think I should do?"
"You can sit in on a class, you can be with a friend, or you can, of course, sit in the waiting room with your cloak and I can check on you in between patients."
"I don't feel bad enough for that, but I'll probably take you up on it some other time. I think I'll go find some friends."
"That's a great idea. Where are you going to head first?" Remus asked.
"Probably Gryffindor Tower and then I'll head down to the dungeons if I can't find anyone. I'll come back here if I still can't find anyone."
"That sounds like a good plan. Is there anything else I can do for you before you leave?"
"No, but thanks Moony Da. I'm feeling better."
"Good," Remus smiled. "I'll see you at dinner and we can meet in the Marauder Quarters when it's over before we head to the room."
"Sounds good, thanks."
"Of course. I love you, Cub."
"Love you, too."
Harry stood up and gave Remus a hug before leaving the room and heading to Gryffindor Tower.
Not many people were in the Common Room, but Harry headed up to his dorm room and found Ron and Hermione.
"Harry! You're here!" Hermione said, sitting up straight.
"Yeah, I came to find you guys and I did."
"What happened earlier today? During History?" Hermione asked.
Harry grimaced. "I don't really want to talk about it. I was really overwhelmed. But I've talked to both my dads so you don't have to worry about that."
"Can we help at all?" Hermione asked.
"No. I just want to be around you guys right now."
"We're happy you're here, Mate," Ron said.
"So, what have you been up to?" Harry asked.
Hermione immediately went into what happened after Sirius let them out of class and filled Harry in on what they were doing while Ron started digging in his trunk.
"What are you looking for?" Harry asked.
"Aha! Found it! Every Flavour Beans!"
"Why'd you grab those?" Hermione asked.
"We haven't done them together in forever. I thought it'd be fun," Ron said.
"Yeah, it would be," Harry said before Hermione could say anything.
So, that's how the three of them found themselves eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and joking around.
When they finished the box, it was about time for dinner. Harry smiled to himself. He hadn't had fun as just the three of them in a while. It was nice.
Remus smiled as well when he saw Harry enter the Great Hall. He was worried about him but saw his location on the map in between sessions and saw he was with Ron and Hermione. He was happy to see Harry with them.
Harry was in a good mood as he walked into the Great Hall but he almost immediately became uncomfortable. As he sat down, he felt the stares and heard the whispers of the people who were in his History class and people who had heard about it.
He sat down and stayed sitting there for a moment before getting up to leave. Ron put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Stay," he said firmly.
Harry sighed and nodded, relenting. He sat down and took a sip of the goblet of pumpkin juice that was in front of him.
"You've got to eat something," Ron told Harry lowly. "You don't have to stay the whole time, but you've got to eat. Even your dads are watching you."
Harry looked up to the head table and saw his parents looking at him with concern.
Harry sighed. "Fine."
Harry sat quietly until dinner was served, not talking to anyone. He barely grabbed any food and moved it around on his plate. He sat there until he couldn't take it anymore. He abruptly got up and left, despite his friends' protests.
Harry quickly made his way to the Marauder Quarters where he began to break down.
He felt trapped again and despite the potion still being in his system, he once again felt like everything was out of control. He didn't know why the whispers triggered him as much as they did, but he knew that he wasn't okay.
Harry tugged on his hair until a thought came to him. He went to the kitchen and started rifling through the drawers, trying to find a knife.
However, that didn't last long when the door to the quarters swung open and two very concerned parents rushed in.
"Harry? Are you in here?" Remus called out.
Harry froze, not sure if he should run, hide, or stay where he was. That decision was made for him, however, as Remus came into the kitchen\ and saw Harry frozen with a drawer open.
"Harry," Remus breathed, knowing exactly what was going on.
Harry sunk to the floor, wishing the floor would open up so he could disappear.
Remus walked over to Harry and sat down across from him. "Are you hurt?"
"No," Harry replied with his eyes trained on the floor.
"What happened, Cub?" Remus asked gently.
"The whispers were too much. I still feel trapped. I know we were going to meet here after dinner and it's the only place I could think of. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" Harry cried.
"Shh, Cub. You're okay. I'm not mad at all. Let's calm down first, yeah?"
Harry nodded. He took deep breaths with Remus and thanks to that and the potion still being in his system, he calmed down.
"I feel better," Harry said after a couple of minutes.
"Good," Remus smiled.
"Do we have to talk about all this?" Harry asked, gesturing around him.
"Would you like to?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"How about we make your area for when you feel trapped now? That might help keep you regulated," Remus suggested.
"Yeah!" Harry said, his eyes becoming brighter at the thought.
"I'll grab some supplies. Why don't you move to the sitting room while you wait? It should only be a few minutes.
Harry nodded and allowed Remus to help him up.
Remus and Harry walked to the sitting room where Sirius was patiently waiting.
"Hey, Puppy. How are you feeling?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged.
Sirius nodded. "I understand. Do you want to just sit and be with me? We don't have to talk."
Harry nodded. He sat down next to Sirius and continued to take deep breaths so he would stay calm.
True to his word, Remus was ready within a couple of minutes. "I'm all set. Ready, Cub?"
Harry nodded. He gave Sirius a grateful smile before heading out with Remus.
They walked in a comfortable silence, not unlike the one Sirius and Harry were previously sitting in.
When they got to the room, Remus immediately cast cleaning charms on it and once everything was spick and span, he got to work.
Harry watched in awe as the room slowly transformed into a cozy nest for Harry.
There was a large memory foam mattress with pillows and blankets galore. There was also a comfortable armchair in the corner with a side table. Remus changed the walls to a warm maroon and added a charmed window with curtains, so Harry could have it light or dark.
It took about half an hour and by the time Remus was done, he felt magically tired. Remus took one look at Harry's face and knew it was worth it. Harry was grinning and sat down in the armchair. "This is incredible, Moony Da. Thank you."
"I hope it helps, Cub. I'll do anything I can to help you."
Harry got up and gave Remus a big hug and held him tight.
"As cool as it is, it is time for us to head back to the Marauder Quarters," Remus said apologetically.
"Can't I stay a little bit? Please?"
"Not tonight. We need to get back before curfew and you're staying near us this evening."
"I didn't do anything!" Harry insisted.
"I know you didn't. If you had found knives, would you have?"
Harry looked down.
"It's okay, Harry. I'm not mad or disappointed. I just want to keep an eye on you. That's all."
Harry didn't like it, but he understood it. "Okay."
"I promise it will be here tomorrow," Remus said as they started to walk away.
Remus cast a silencing charm around them so he could talk to Harry without anyone overhearing.
"I set a silencing charm up, so feel free to say anything you want, okay?"
Harry nodded.
"This is a place for you to go when you feel trapped. It's also a good place to go if you need a safe place to be. If you're actively wanting to hurt yourself, however, you should get an adult and not be on your own," Remus said.
"Okay," Harry said. He wasn't planning on taking the advice, but he wanted to give the impression that he was listening.
"I'm serious, Harry. You need to get an adult if you're feeling like you want to hurt yourself."
"No, you're Remus," Harry joked.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Harry, I mean it." Remus stopped and put a hand on Harry's shoulder.
"This is a big deal. You should not be on your own when you feel that way. You've got to ask for help."
"So we are talking about what happened earlier," Harry groaned.
"Harry, it is so important you know that you need to get an adult. You've done it before, and I know you can do it again. You have to try, Cub. You're worth too much to lose."
Harry disagreed with that but didn't verbalize it. Instead, he looked up and saw Remus' eyes looking at him earnestly.
"I'll try, Moony Da," Harry replied truthfully.
"Good," Remus smiled. Remus got up and they began to walk again. "Now, we have our session tomorrow morning, don't forget about it."
"Still? Haven't we done enough talking?" Harry groaned.
"You still have your session tomorrow, Harry. We have a lot to talk about."
Harry groaned again and dragged his feet, but he knew Remus was right.
There was always more to talk about.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200