Chapter 16: Two Lumps on a Log

Oakie didn't know what had happened for the last several minutes, except that he'd experienced the most pain he'd ever felt in a short amount of time. He hoped that wouldn't be the norm here. And he still couldn't see.

"My glasses? Sir…?" Oakie tried, waving his hands around. He didn't dare move off the couch. Everything was blurry, but he could still see colors and make out the most basic of shapes. Whoever owned this trailer was tall and not a normal or healthy color.

What is this thing? Oakie wondered. It's blue…big…something's coming off the head? Maybe it's a reanimated corpse wearing some kind of hat.

"Are you a zombie wearing a Viking helmet?" the human asked.

"Hunh?" Lumpy hummed. "Oh, no. Are you a moose?"

"…no…?"

"Are you a girl moose?"

"What? No!" Oakie slipped a hand in his pocket. He always carried Creep-Away Spray. If this guy tried anything, he'd get it.

"You don't have antlers," Lumpy observed.

"I'm not supposed to. You know…being human and all?"

"Hoo-mun?"

"Yeah-huh. What are you, big guy?"

Lumpy proudly puffed his chest out. "Moose."

A moose. A blue moose? Oakie wondered. That's crazy. What's crazier is that I'm actually not freaked out right now.

Feels like…this is all too easy to believe or something.

Maybe it's because I'm dreaming. Or Allie was right…this is some simulation and…I'm being half-brain dead. How can I feel so lucid, but so out of it at the same time? I don't do drugs!

"I'm nuts," Oakie said, lowering his head in his hands. He was never going to take public transportation again.

Lumpy scratched behind his inverted antler. He couldn't understand what was going on, but felt pity for this hoo-mun thing.

"Can I please have my glasses?" the hoo-mun asked, exasperated.

Lumpy ran to pull a box of sunglasses out of storage. He selected a magenta diamond-studded pair and set them on Oakie's face.

The human recoiled. Everything was blacked out, though individual objects were outlined in white, squiggly borders. He peered up at Lumpy.

"Hey, one'a your antlers is facing the wrong way," Oakie noticed. "…oh. That's natural? Gotcha."

Lumpy tried another selection, a cyan-and-yellow pair of shades with purple feathers on the frames. Oakie tilted his head. He could see through walls, the floor, and count every bone in Lumpy's body.

"You've got an elephant in the room. The back room," Oakie announced. "…that's your pet? Ahhhh, I see."

The next pair brightened all colors to the point where Oakie felt like his eyes were going to melt out of his skull. Then the next pair gave him the ability to levitate off the ground, then the next pair let him see fifty seconds into the future…

"STOOOOP!" Oakie screamed, causing Lumpy to pull back in surprise. "Please, just…hold on, big guy."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes...how'd you know my name?"

Exhausted, Oakie took out his inhaler to have a few quick puffs. He calmly mentioned that he needed glasses, but his glasses.

"Oh! Why didn't you say so?"

Lumpy ran out into the yard and immediately stepped on Oakie's glasses. Before anyone could see, he quickly taped them back together with scotch tape. The frames were all slanted and a lens was cracked near the top. Good as new! He went and jammed them on Oakie's face.

"Ow, hey! Easy, I'm not made of brick," Oakie squinted, finally taking a good look at Lumpy. "Wow…you, uh…aren't what I was expecting."

He started poking Lumpy to make sure he was real. Lumpy thought it was a game, so he started poking the human back.

I can't believe it…he is real! Oakie thought, amazed. I'm real, too! He's about to poke a hole through my chest cavity. This can't be a dream.

Oakie asked if there happened to be any other humans around. Lumpy kept poking him.

"Big guy," Oakie urged, snapping a few times until he was acknowledged. He slowly repeated the question. By the way Lumpy blinked one eye slower than the other, Oakie figured he was, somehow, the only human there.

Whoa...this is just like one of those sci-fi stories I always read in high school, Oakie thought, shocked.

Lumpy shook him by the shoulder, grinning. "Want to have some fun?"

"I-I-I…oh, boy," Oakie sputtered, as the moose drug him off.

Unfortunate, as Oakie figured, 'having fun' as a moose was much more hardcore than 'having fun' as a human.

The first game was leapfrog. Oakie initially scoffed at how easy it'd be. Everyone knew how to play that. His mind changed the instant Lumpy came down on him, slamming his delicate, unathletic body to the ground.

It took him seconds to get up and try to continue the game, but one of Lumpy's antlers caught his ankle. With a yell he toppled face first into the grass.

"My turn!" Lumpy cried.

"No no, wait-wait-wait!"

There was something about Lumpy that Oakie couldn't deny. Maybe it was because the moose seemed to be a genuinely kind soul and he didn't want to disappoint him. So, Oakie let his face get slammed into the ground plenty times more before he weakly suggested they play another game.

The next game Lumpy suggested was arm wrestling. Oakie wanted to cry as Lumpy pulled him into his home. The human had to use his non-dominant arm to play since the one Lumpy dislocated earlier was aching.

When the first round started, Lumpy threw his arm down with one percent of his maximum strength and drove Oakie through the table, splitting it in half.

"Oh, oops," Lumpy remarked down at the crumpled human. He snapped his fingers. All they needed was a stronger table!

They went through several more tables before Lumpy got tired of arm wrestling. Oakie thought the entire left side of his body was shutting down, it hurt so bad. His wrist was sprained and his shoulder killed him, but somehow nothing was broken. That scared him even more. It just meant more pain was coming.

Though, when Lumpy recommended they relax outside, Oakie breathed a sigh of relief.

Until—

"Taking your clothes off makes it better!" Lumpy cried.

"Absolutely not."

Oakie pointed out that not only was it uncomfortably cold, Lumpy didn't even wear clothes. The moose proved him wrong and stripped right then and there. Oakie wanted to tear his eyes out of his head and shred them.

Eventually, the human had been partially persuaded. He insisted on at least keeping his boxers on. While Lumpy lounged in his chair without an issue, Oakie shivered nonstop in the crisp autumn afternoon.

"C-C-Can we…g-g-go inside?" he begged.

Lumpy raised his sunglasses, confused. They'd only been out there for five minutes.

Sometime much later…

Lumpy whistled as he carried the stiff human inside. His elephant was squeezed up in the living room, looking a little sad.

"Oh!" Lumpy checked the time, startled. He'd really lost track of time! Not only had he missed his pet's feeding time, he had a music concert to get in less than an hour.

"Oh no, oh no!"

Quickly, Lumpy tossed Oakie on the couch and flung a heated blanket on him. Or rather, a normal blanket with hot coals from the fireplace on top of it.

"IIAAAHHHH!" Oakie screeched, hopping up. "Hot! Cold! Hot! Cold!"

"Calm down, calm down!" Lumpy insisted, glancing over. His pet was clearly anxious and concerned about the other elephant in the room. He took a few minutes to get Oakie settled down, recommending that he just wind down and watch TV for the rest of the afternoon.

"W-Why? No more…g-games? W-We're done?" Oakie asked desperately. Lumpy shook his head, rushing off to get the feed. In between getting his pet's things together he told Oakie about the music concert he was heading to.

"Want to come?" asked Lumpy, shaking feed into his elephant's bowl.

"Uh…l-let me think about it…"

Lumpy made it clear that the building would be downtown, and that most of the town would be in attendance—just look for the large fancy-looking building with waving lights in front of it, he told Oakie. The human now wasn't sure he wanted to be within fifty feet of anywhere Lumpy would be, but kept that information filed away. He did like music concerts.

Lumpy dove behind the couch and pulled out a long music case. He tucked it under his arm and ran room-to-room, getting his dress clothes in order. The elephant finished eating and sat on the couch with Oakie.

The moose screeched to a halt, looking out the window. It was sunset. He'd be on time to practice if he hurried!

"See you! Dinner's on the table!" he cried, running through his screen door and jumping into his car. Oakie watched him run over the fence, cut someone off, and rocket down the road. He sighed, sitting back on the couch.

I haven't heard anything from Allie…weird. Oh, wait. I muted her.

When he pulled her out he found lines and lines of insults, genuine concerns, and very accurate but dire prediction for his future. Her latest line said: You know, call me crazy, but this all might be a sign of something greater at work.

When he asked her to explain, she continued. I'm just saying, you don't see how weird this is, but our bus driver must've gone through some weird spacial vortex or something.

"It isn't any weirder than people coming from the future."

Tch. You still believe humans can time travel, huh?

"Yes," Oakie said stiffly.

Fine...I should've rationalized you would act this way. Maybe. We can at least agree that the moose is going to be the end of you if you don't acknowledge your basic survival instincts.

We also need to at least figure out why we ended up here in the first place.

Oakie nodded. He could agree with those points.

Where to start, though? At the same time, he didn't think he was in any rush to leave this place.

Living among a society of human-like animals does not sound reasonable. Allie said. Even with you so adoring the animal kingdom, this may not bode well.

"Are you nuts?"

Save for Lumpy, being surrounded by a bunch of cute and colorful animals sounded like paradise! What could go wrong in a world like this? Lumpy's elephant wrapped its trunk around him, pulling him close in a hug. What could go wrong outside of him breaking a few bones, that was.