Hey, y'all! Sorry, it's been a bit since I last updated. Life has been crazy lately. I did finish this, though, and for that, I applaud myself. It's shorter than previous chapters because it's part two of the last chapter. The next one is LONGGGG, and I'm debating splitting it up as well. What do you think? Do you prefer long chapters or shorter ones? This is Chapter 27 (26 if you don't count the trailer), and my plan was between 30 and 32 chapters total before it ends... Hmmm... Feel free to sound off and let me know. Oh, and as always, enjoy! :)
A blush came to his cheeks as he took her hand, letting her lead them to the dance floor.
Putting his hands on her waist, Ricky smirked feeling her arms linked around his neck; the slow stride of their movements sending that familiar spark through them as the music started.
And so did the memories.
Ohhh thinkin' about all our younger years
"You're special, Amy." He'd said, leaning a little further into the hard couch.
Her inner monologue was mocking her: her - special? What?
A grin came to his face, "I like you. I like you a lot. And we're going to be going to the same school, and I thought... I don't know, maybe... you and I could be... well, this could be the start of something big."
Her inner self screamed again, "Cool be cool! Oh my God!" As he kissed her again; his lips soft and smooth against hers.
There was only you and me.
He grabbed the mess from John's tray. Her eyes widened, shaking her head vigorously at his mischievous grin. "I think it's time to get Mommy, John…"
"Ricky no! No! No -" Amy shrieked, leaping off the chair and starting to sprint around the small kitchen, as he was copying her movements, weaving in and out between each other; the cackling one-year-old covered in chocolate, hands outstretched in her direction as he yelled "Ma ma ma ma!" over and over again.
It took a couple of minutes of bobbing and waving through the apartment before they managed to catch her in the kitchen next to the sink. John gripped onto her shirt smearing chocolate all over it as Ricky smeared some on her face.
We were young and wild and free
Gliding along the ice, she felt his hand starting to slip - along with his body starting to wobble as he struggled to stay on his feet. Taking another step, he went down, landing on his back, groaning, "Oh, come on!"
She giggled, taking off one of her gloves, "Haven't you ever ice skated before?"
Narrowing his eyes at her amusement at his struggle, "No!" Ricky groaned again, "I think I broke my ass!" Quickly starting to chuckle, "You know... you could fall on top of me, and kiss me - like those movies you torture me with do."
Closing one eye, Amy pursed her lips, "Yeah, I could... but then I'd be dirty. And who would pull me up?" He leaned on his elbows, cocking his head, before reaching his hand to grasp hers: using enough force to tug her down, with a gasping, playful shriek, "Ricky!"
Now nothin' can take you away from me
"I can't believe it!" She shrieked, happily, flopping onto the mattress and holding her hand up to admire her finger.
Smirking, he slid next to her, rolling onto his back, and matching her admiration, "I can't either" he chuckled, leaning over for a kiss.
Reciprocating, she put her hands on his cheeks, caressing his face as his tongue gently prodded hers.
When he broke away, he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, staring deeply into her chocolate-brown eyes.
"I love you." They both said in unison, giggling after they did and adding a warranted, "Jinx!"
We've been down that road before
"You can't break that promise! You can't!" Pointing a finger at her confined body, "Do you hear me Juergens? You can't break that promise!" He wept loudly, fighting the urge to fall to the floor.
The room was filled with the sound of a broken man, wailing in agonizing heartache, watching as the one he loved never responded to his pleading.
Reclaiming the chair, he sat down again. Taking her hand in his, "Please…. don't break that promise…" Ricky whispered, letting his tears hit her hand as he brought it up to his lips. "Please…"
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more
Taking her hand into his, he nodded, "Mhmm… or we could do this…" pressing himself further against her - letting her feel how badly he wanted her at that moment as he grew hard. Running his hands up and down her back - allowing the soap from her skin to slide between his fingers - as his lips pressed into hers again, prodding her tongue with his while his fingers dug lightly into the curve of her hips. He moaned against her mouth as her nails clamped the back of his neck, pulling at the loose strands of wavy curls plastered to his skin.
Baby, you're all that I want
Feverishly running his hands up and down her outer thighs, he let out a low moan as she went to work, quickly with the buttons of his shirt. Her cheeks flushed upon feeling his still-toned chest, running her fingers over each abdominal muscle; the spark of her fingertips brushing his skin causing him to groan into her mouth. Moving lower, she felt him getting harder with each kiss, and quickly undid his belt, and unbuttoned his dress pants, scooting further back against the dash to tug them down. He released a relieved breath into her mouth as they were like fire, melting into his sweaty skin.
When you're lyin' here in my arms
"That... was..." she gulped again
Ricky nodded quickly, his chest heaving up and down, "...Yeah"
"I can't believe we just did that!" Amy half-giggled, pushing her bra to cover her chest, brushing her lips to his
He smirked, a light chuckle escaping his lips as he pushed some hair behind her ear, "I can't believe we did it twice!" She giggled again, gathering her underwear, and scooting down to rest her head on his chest, tracing his left pec with the tip of her forefinger: his racing heartbeat making her eyes flutter.
They stayed that way for several more minutes, listening to the storm start to dissipate outside; the wind chasing the leaves around the empty parking lot as the rain slowed to a steady drizzle.
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
On instinct, they both loosened their grips slightly, gazing into each other's eyes, and in a moment of calm, pressed their lips to each other.
And love is all that I need
Crazy man sniffled, "Yawl are so beautiful" Closing the book "Alrighty then, by the 'Wedding 4 U and 4 Me" wedding chapel in the state of California, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Underwood. You can kiss your bride now, Dicky."
"Gladly," Ricky replied with a huge smile, leaning in to kiss his new bride.
And I found it there in your heart
Pulling away, they kept their gazes locked. A tear slid down her cheek as his eyes traveled to her mouth. Amy's lips parted slightly, whispering under her breath, "Ricky" Putting one of his palms to her cheek to brush the tear away, Ricky shushed her whisper before planting his lips on hers again, more passionately. Making her whimper as she pulled away.
It isn't too hard to see
"I need to -" She started
"Get out of here?" He finished in a rushed breath. She nodded, grabbing his hand to flee to the guesthouse.
We're in heaven
Neither one of them spoke as they made their way across the yard, to the safety of the guesthouse; away from scoffs and taunts that their kiss no doubt brought to everyone's lips.
But who cared about them? The only lips they cared about were each other's as they kissed feverishly against the door, grinding into each other before opening it and stepping inside. There he cupped his hands around the back of her knees, grunting as she hopped onto his waist, and slammed the door with the heel of his dress shoe. He needed to lay her somewhere, but the bed was too small, and the chairs were filled with bags and clothes, and he didn't want to take a chance on her sliding off him on one of the bar stools. Smirking against her mouth, he stepped quickly to the kitchen counter, placing her down while continuing to kiss her.
Removing one of her hands from his neck, Amy plunged into his hair, massaging his scalp with her nails as her moans deepened. Her legs were still wrapped around his waist, and she could feel him getting harder with each lap of her tongue pushing against his. "Ricky..." She breathed, breaking their kiss for air, staring deeply into his brown eyes, as the stammer left her swollen lips, "I -I want you..."
Ricky smiled, eagerly running his hand along her ponytail, taking it out, and letting her hair drape her shoulders as he lowered her flat on her back. Leaning over her and supporting his weight with his elbows as he started on her neck, he ran the hand that undid her ponytail, down between her thighs: giving her goosebumps and making her wither as his finger touched the lace of her underwear. She tugged his hair, bringing his head level with hers and kissing him again. He moaned lowly, craving her more with each tortuous second.
His eyes cut to the door, making sure nobody was going to barge in on them if they started having sex on the counter. But in doing so, his eyes also saw something else - and it made his blood boil.
It seemed ridiculous he'd be so upset over a suitcase. But it was that suitcase. That damn suitcase. The one she packed against his pleas for her stay. The one that took her to New York and left him there with all their broken memories. It sat upright, mocking him, as the memory of that day pierced him and caused that all too familiar ache to start. The ache of pain and anger. He wanted to destroy it, break and beat it into shards of hard plastic, and then throw those shards in the garbage disposal. So it would never hurt him by taking her away again.
"What's wrong?" Amy panted, noting the change in his demeanor.
He broke away, pushing himself off of her, "I... I can't do this..." Her eyes were full of confusion, reaching to touch his face. Ricky recoiled, shaking his head repeatedly, as he gripped the marble of the counter with all of his might. With the hurt and anger-filled rage pouring through every fiber of his body, he felt like he was going to explode. So he stepped away, leaving her on the counter.
She jumped off to chase after him, "Ricky!" But he didn't stop, kicking over that stupid suitcase on his way out the door and away from her. "Ricky, wait! Ricky!" Amy cried louder, tears starting to cloud her vision as the door slammed and he was gone - sending her to her knees and clutching her chest.
Bounding through the door, he startled them as they sat reading a book on the sofa. "It's early - how was the wedding?" Margaret inquired, looking at her watch. He wouldn't look at her, just went directly into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"It was fine, alright!" He growled back, lying through his teeth.
His drive home was worse. All these emotions ravaged him to the point where his breathing had quickened, his hands were shaking, and his heart was pounding. He was having a panic attack. "It wasn't for me - that whole scene."
Closing the book, she put it on the end table, "Did you see Amy?"
He kept his gaze inside the fridge, "Why does that matter?"
Shifting the babbling baby to the floor, she stood up, crossing her arms, "I know about the car..."
Rising, Ricky closed the door, mindful of his daughter crawling towards him as his heavy footsteps clomped around the space, "It doesn't matter. Amy has made that very very clear... besides... she's boarding a plane back to New York in the morning..." Going over to the sink, he ran a cup under the faucet
"It's not too late, Ricky -" She comforted, putting her hand on his back.
He appreciated the gesture, but it wasn't helping. Turning on his heels, "And say what, huh?" Reaching the table, Emma stopped crawling, staring at them before sitting on her bottom and reaching for him with a whimper. Blowing a breath from his cheeks, Ricky tossed the cup into the sink and gathered her up; Emma's tired green eyes looking at him like he was the greatest thing in the world; penetrating the wall he was building around himself.
He gave her a small smile, stroking her cheek with the pad of his thumb, "...I stood there by George's side tonight as he professed his love to Kathleen, while my heart was breaking looking at the woman that I love, and remembering that it should have been us!" He explained shakily, cradling the baby as she laid her head on his chest, "I vowed to love and protect Amy forever! But none of that matters now, and it won't matter because as much as I want to cling on to some sliver of hope... I can't do it anymore!" Ricky bit his lip, allowing the tears to fall from his eyes, as he choked, "Falling in love with Amy Juergens saved me - but... continuing to love her is going to destroy me!"
Emma whimpered against his shirt, scrunching her fingers into the fabric and bringing it to her mouth.
"You it!" John hollered, running through the doorway in an attempt to get away from his uncle's grasp
Robbie followed on his heels, "No fw-air!" Nearly knocking Ashley into the frame
"So nice that I'm a child wrangler while you're just sitting in here feeling sorry for yourself!" She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, watching her sister as she sat on her knees slamming clothing into a suitcase. "I saw you two - you and Ricky." She thought that would get a rise out of her sister, but it only fueled her silence as she swiped at her cheeks.
The boys were still running around and chasing each other, not noticing as he tripped on his shoe, hitting her suitcase, and sending some of the contents out over the sides. Robbie stood quickly, afraid he would get in trouble as he scratched at his cheek, "Opps, sworry A-mee..."
"What awre you jus doin, mommy?" John asked, noticing the array of clothing she was shoving into the odd-shaped box.
"She's leaving again, John. Say your goodbyes." Ashley stated bluntly, helping her little brother with his shoes
"Ashley!" Amy barked, irritated that she would be so direct with her son.
"What? I'm not lying to the kid, so tell him the truth! You're leaving him to go back to New York!"
That didn't settle well with him, lowering his eyes in hurt as he screamed, "No!"
"John!" Amy scolded him, waving her sister away with a harsh, "Butt out, I can handle this!"
Grabbing a shirt, John threw it across the room, stomping his shoe into the floor, "No! No go-in, Mommy!"
Taking another one from his grasp, she lowered her voice, "John... hey, hey listen to me." Tilting his chin up so her eyes were level with his, "Mommy has to go back to school for a little while, buddy. I'll be back in a couple of weeks though, okay?" Running her nails along the buzzed hair by his ears she whispered, "I love you, okay?"
His breathing quickened, recoiling with a frown, "No!"
"John, please..." She tried to reason, reaching for his hand, "I know it's hard, but I have to go, baby. I'm sorry..."
He shook her away, harder, "No!" Grabbing at every piece of clothing he could get his chubby hands-on, and throwing them in a fit of anger, hollering loudly, "No! No! No!"
Picking them up, she became aggravated as he threw more down, "John!" He turned to her, the look in his eyes one she didn't recognize: no longer their sparkle speck of brown as he continued to wreak havoc. Amy grabbed the dress she'd worn the night previous from his hands: fighting him in a tug-of-war that only fueled his aggression. Swiping at her hands, she yelped. "Ow!" Checking the deep dark scratches that started to drip droplets of fresh blood onto the hardwood floor, "John, stop it right now! You hurt, Mommy!"
"Gwood!" John shot back, dropping the garment at his feet, his cheeks stained with hot tears as he spewed, "I hw-ate you!"
It was as if the world had stopped. Frozen in time in that singular moment. She couldn't move, couldn't speak. Just blink. Blink back the tears escaping her lashes in heaps. "J-John..." She managed to stutter through her shaking.
He didn't give her any comfort, instead shook his head and shouted at her again, "No! I hw-ate you!" Turning his back to run away, "You jus, not my fwiend ne-more, mommy!" Going into the bathroom and slammed the door, hard.
Ashley raced after him, grabbing at the doorknob she didn't know he knew how to lock. "You need to get a handle on this!" She raved, shaking the knob, "John? John buddy, it's Aunt Ashley... can you open the door?"
"Amy... would you like to say something?" She was crying, silently choking back tears before breaking and starting to loudly sniffle, shaking her head.
Geoffrey pursed his lips again, folding his hands together atop the table, "Well I see there are a lot of emotions here. Let's all just take a couple of minutes... before I make my recommendation... okay?"
They both nodded, her fiddling with the tissue in her hand as a wave of pain washed over; pain for the inevitable. She was going to lose, and she knew it.
Sniffling harder, her voice broke the silence, "I'm sorry, okay! I know I messed up!" She cried, dabbing her eyes, "If you have to make me the villain in this - so be it. I'll take the blame. I'll take the hit. But don't you EVER doubt for one single second that I don't love my kids!" Amy's eyes were piercing him. "I carried them inside me for months! I brought them into the world because I loved them! And that is something you can NEVER take from me! For you to say I don't love them; that I don't feel like I'm dying inside because I can't hold them every night - is completely wrong, and you know it!" She screamed at him, her face contorting in pain, "You know how hard my pregnancy with Emma was! Weeping for hours in terror that something was going to happen to her or me and that John would be left without a mother!"
He couldn't hear her cry anymore. It hurt too much. Standing, Ricky choked, "I know you love them, Amy! And I'm sorry!"
Handing her another tissue, Geoffrey put his pen down, "These types of things are never easy. Emotions run very high because matters like this aren't taken lightly. The objective is to figure out what is best for the children; to find a solution for all parties so that the children have stability and cohesion in their lives." Adjusting his glasses, "That being said... I am ready to make my recommendation."
They looked at each other from across the table, holding their breath as Geoffrey closed his notepad. "I've listened to both of you. I've gone over your other case file. I've reviewed all the new information given: and given that you both live in two different states, thousands of miles apart, and are unable to reach a cohesive agreement on your own... and to spare the two young children in this case, from having to shuffle across the country..." He trailed, "I recommend that it would be in the best interest of the children to remain in their stable environment."
That was it. The blow she didn't want to hear.
Ricky had won.
Blowing the breath from his cheeks, Ricky's palms hit the table in a rush of relief. He stood, shaking the man's hand like they were old friends. She couldn't do the same, too numb to feel anything but heartache.
Standing, he notified them sternly, "Let me be very clear - this ruling in no way allows you, Ricky, to keep these children away from Amy. Amy, you will be allowed free will to see these children whenever you decide to, but it has to be agreed upon by both of you ahead of time. Parenting decisions, such as doctors appointments, or medical issues also must be shared and discussed openly." Ricky nodded in understanding. "Keep this arrangement civil, you two. I hope this is the last time we see each other."
"Amy!" Ashley yelled, trying to get her sister's attention as her nephew began to throw things against the door and thrash behind it.
Amy couldn't hear her though, the blood pounding in her ears blocking out everything around her. She didn't know how, or when she ended up on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, and she didn't hear anything as she got up and ran out of the guesthouse.
Flipping the page of the book he was reading - one of John's he'd picked up off the shelf just to read something - he yawned. His mother had left over an hour ago, and in that time he'd had a heck of a time keeping her calm. She was cranky, and sleep-deprived, clawing at his face and anything she could get to put inside her mouth to relieve her inflamed gums. Grabbing at the pages, Emma started to whine, shaking the copy of "The Berenstain Bears New Baby" with vigor, and kicking her legs in irritable fussiness.
Taking the book from her grasp, Ricky bounced her on his lap and pointed to a page that saw the Mama Bear holding her new cub. His eyes enlarged, pitching his voice at her as he squeaked, "That's Mama bear," Pointing to the page to get her attention. She mimicked, slamming her palm down on the paper with a cross between a squeal and a shriek. "You want your Mama, don't you?" He whispered sadly, seeing her drooling all over the page, coupled with squinting her eyes. He sighed, pecking her temple, "I know baby girl..." Lifting her into a standing position on his legs to turn her around, "I'm sorry we couldn't fix it for you... you both deserve better..." Putting her hand to his face, Emma babbled happily, scrunching his nose in her fingers.
"What are you doing, Emma, huh?" Ricky chuckled, lifting her above his head to blow on her tummy, eliciting a deep cackle, and doing it again with the same result.
Bring her back down, her grin showed her two teeth, wiggling in his grasp as she gurgled, "Da-da!"
He couldn't help but smile, nodding along, "Yeah dada... dada loves you so much," Leaning forward to kiss the tip of her nose, "Forever"
"John, please! Open the door! Open the door for me, please..." She begged, pulling on the doorknob to try to get it to open.
"No!" He retorted, banging the wood with his fist having run out of things to throw, "Go a-way!"
Amy stomped over to her sister, ripping the magazine out of her hands, "This is your fault! Who just blurts something out like that to a toddler? He's three, Ashley!"
Slinging her legs over the armrest and back onto the floor, Ashley scoffed, "Not my problem that he's upset with you! You did this by how selfish you're being - abandoning John, Emma, and Ricky the way you did!"
"Oh sure, you can judge me because you don't have my life! You have the freedom to do whatever you want! You're not confined to a life of constant ridicule! Being a teenage mother to two while my marriage to the man I loved failed and crumbled down around us!" She started to pace, "You don't understand how hard my life is! So while you demonize me for wanting an escape, just know that I'm human too and that this decision isn't easy for me! But what other choice do I have, huh? A life of misery where me and my husband fight all the time? That's not good for anyone!"
"Look, Amy, you might not have an ideal life... but so what? Lots of people don't. You think they just up and walk off, away from their families because of it? No. They get up and shift their perspective: make the hand they've been dealt work." She took a step closer, "You can't live in the best of both worlds. You can't have a life in New York and then be mad at Ricky for not wanting the same things. And you can't just rip Emma and John away from the only life they've ever known, with people who love them, to satisfy your wishes! It doesn't work and frankly makes you selfish for considering it!"
Narrowing her eyes, Amy scoffed, "Why do you even care about it? It's not like you're here to see them anyway! You haven't cared much about your niece and nephew so far, why now?"
"I do care!" Ashley shot back, getting in her face, "I care and love them enough to tell them their mother is being a bitch!"
Taken aback, she gasped at her sister's words, balling her fists at her sides to prevent from slapping her across the face. "Until you step a second into MY shoes you can keep your mouth shut and keep living your kid-less, loveless, life!"
The comment hurt her, hurt her enough that her face went slack and her lip started to wobble. Putting her hand on the doorknob again, Ashley sniffled, "John... hey buddy, can I come in?" Hearing the quiver in her voice, the door clicked and opened just a sliver - enough to see one of his eyes and tear-stained cheek. "Hey, buddy..." She soothed, reaching for his hand. Turning as he took it, to growl, "You don't deserve to share these kids with Ricky... because unlike you he actually stepped up and cares about them!" Going into the bathroom with her nephew, and locking the door.
Amy slid onto one of the barstools, pulled out her phone, and scrolled through his baby pictures, stopping at one that held a particular memory.
"Oh, you're such a big boy!" She cooed, lifting him into a standing position on the blanket they were sharing on the floor. He'd just turned 7 months old, his cheeks starting to even out from their puffiness when he was a little baby.
He wobbled, focusing on gnawing on his fingers rather than trying to keep his balance, babbling a muffled, "Dada"
He'd said that word for over a month now, and while she enjoyed hearing the little squeals he did when he said it, she also couldn't help but feel left out. She'd tried to get him to say "mama" since he started babbling, and he almost came close a few times. Still, she yearned to hear it.
"Yea, dada!" Amy agreed, putting him back on his bottom and taking his hands, "What about Mama? Huh, mama? M-m-m-ma-ma?"
John looked up at her with his big brown eyes, now in the phase where he started to mimic people, and touched her face, "mm-" He tried, bringing in his bottom lip.
She nodded excitedly, "Yea, come on you can do buddy - mmm - ma-ma!"
Grasping a block from the blanket, "Mmm-mm-", he turned his attention elsewhere, kicking his sock-covered feet aggressively, and yelled out a squealy, "Ma!" Throwing the block like it was a game.
Her eyes widened, unbelieving that it had worked until he said it again. Standing up, she shrieked, startling him as she did.
Ashley ran in, hearing the sound of distress, "What happened?"
"He said, mama! Ashley, he said mama!"
Her sister rose a brow, unenthused, "Congratulations on your accomplishment" and walked away.
Amy shrieked again, softer, and scooped him up into her arms, sending ticklish kisses along his cheeks and neck as John squealed and giggled at her affection.
Flip
"You wanna open your present, huh? You wanna open your present from Mama?" She cooed as she handed him the yellow package with the shiny blue squiggle ribbons on the top. He pulled on the ribbons briefly, glancing up when she pulled out the camera and kissed his temple. "You're so cute! Look how cute you are!" Tilting the screen down so he could see the image. He giggled, grabbing for the device. Pulling it away, she shook the present again, "Open it!" Grazing his nails over the bright colors of the 'Happy Birthday', he let out a whine, unsure of how to get whatever was in the box out. "Here, like this -" scratching at a piece with her forefinger, she tore a small piece off and handed it to him, "You try, just rip it"
With a hesitant whine, he gripped the box and started ripping off tiny pieces, which he then proceeded to try to eat. "Don't eat the paper" She gently scolded, taking his hands away, and the shard on his tongue, out of his mouth. He whined again, fisting his right eye. Putting his hand on the box again, she helped him in discarding the wrapping until the box underneath could be seen. When his eyes saw the image, they enlarged and a little squeal passed his lips. She chuckled lightly at his eagerness to grab the toy as she lifted it out, "Whoa - what is that?"
He squealed again, excitedly, lunging for the bright red firetruck his mother held in her fingers, babbling, "mama mama" until she gave it to him, and took another picture. "
"Yea, Mama got you your firetruck - the one you wanted!" She kissed his head again, putting it on the red plastic table for him to maneuver. The icing on the cupcake was already there, starting to drip from the melted wax of the candle. Pulling it forward, she unwrapped the side of it, and put it near his lips, "You wanna eat your cupcake?"
He recoiled at first, not knowing what this strange substance in his face was, but just as quickly put his lips on it slowly before his eyes enlarged again, growling and flailing, and went for it: smashing his face and his hands into the sugary substance, getting it all over the table.
She giggled watching him, taking as many pictures as she could before he devoured the cupcake; the remnants caked onto his saliva-drenched fingers, lifting them to her lips. "Oh, you gonna share?" She continued giggling, picking up a piece that fell on her dress, and not from his hands, and eating it, nodding her approval. He smiled, scrunching his nose as he clapped his hands together excitedly.
Flip
She was pacing around the room, finger to her chin, "Did you get-"
"Yes", he injected
"Okay, what about -" He nodded at her, shoving a blanket inside the black duffle as she continued, "And the -"
Stopping, he sighed, "Yes, Amy, I got it all. Okay, everything is here."
It was quiet for a few seconds before she started in again, "Did you ask the nurses for more -"
Zipping up the bag, his hand stilled, getting slightly annoyed with her, "Yes, everything is in the bags. You can stop worrying so much!"
The slight change in his tone, caused her to jump a little. "I -" She mumbled weakly, her eyes starting to get wet. Her hormones had been working overtime the past week, causing the slightest little thing to make her cry.
Noticing, Ricky sighed again, and took a few steps forward, wrapping her in his arms, whispering into her hair, "I know." A tear slid down her cheek as she sniffled quietly. Kissing her brown locks softly, he wiped the tear away, his voice becoming soft, "Why don't you go take a walk? I'll put everything in the car."
Sniffling again, Amy nodded slowly against his chest, before pulling away. Turning her head slightly, her lip couldn't help but tip up at the sight. John was lying across the bed on his stomach, grinning as his eyes squinted in amusement at his sister lying inside the casing; her green eyes were bright as she held his finger in her tiny grip. Ever since he'd woken up that morning, John wanted to be near the baby: petting her head when Amy was feeding her, playing with her hands when Ricky was changing her, and pecking her cheeks repeatedly as Amy was trying to dress her to go home. He loved his little sister. Or at least he did for the time being. That was always subject to change whenever they got home for good though.
Pulling out her phone, Amy quickly took a picture, admiring it for a split second before a tiny cry beckoned for her attention.
Scrolling through more photos, she heard the door click again, and saw her son being carted by her sister, "Where are you going?"
"I'm taking him back to Ricky," Ashley replied, hiking him further up her hip. He'd gotten significantly bigger, making the action a little more difficult than when he was a baby.
"Um, no you're not. I get him for tonight." Amy interjected, holding her hands out for her son. He recoiled again, locking his arms tighter against his aunt's neck, upsetting her. "C'mon, John." John shook his head, causing her to exhale deeply from her nose, "John..." But he wasn't budging. Snaking her hands under his arms, Amy attempted to pull him from Ashley's grasp, shouting angrily, "Give me my son!"
John slapped her away, "No! I want Daddy!"
Rolling her eyes, "Just give him what he wants and take him back to Ricky."
Controlling her tone, Amy tried again, nicer this time, "We'll go see your daddy soon, okay?"
But she got the same result, "No! I want daddy n-oww!" He screamed, putting his hands out to prevent her from coming closer, "I no luv you ne-more, mommy!"
Her lungs popped like a balloon being stabbed by a needle; the slow string of air hissing out as it dies and turns into a broken piece of trash. "John... please baby... come here..." She sobbed, choking on her tears, begging with pleading eyes at him. The tears rolled down his cheeks too, causing him to look like a smaller version of his father. Which only made the pain in her chest that much worse.
What had she done?
"Nooooo!"
Sighing, Ashley put him down, not at all surprised that he ran back into the bathroom. It was now considered a safe place for him. "It's over, Amy. Take the kid back to his dad, and board your plane. Leave again - it's what you're best at!"
The hot, angry tears spilled from Amy's eyes, raging, "You know what? I hope you NEVER have kids because the last thing this family, or the world, needs is another you!"
It was silent for a minute, both standing there before she got the nerve to speak. Through a sniffle, Ashley made sure to look her sister in the eyes, so she would see that her thoughtless dig pierced her. "Well, you don't have to worry because you got your wish... I can't have kids."
Thinking her sister was messing with her, trying to make her feel guilty for her outburst, Amy scoffed, "What are you talking about? Of course, you can."
Shaking her head, the façade was breaking, no longer able to withhold the secret she'd been harboring, "... No, I can't..." Ashley started to cry, "A few months after you had Emma, I was late... so I took an inconclusive test... I went to a doctor. She told me I wasn't pregnant... but then she told me I couldn't get pregnant; that my uterus didn't function correctly, or was shaped differently - I kind of tuned out after she said it... But she said conceiving was next to impossible, and if by some chance it happened... the odds of miscarriage were almost guaranteed..."
"We need to remove the dead tissue before it spreads to your bloodstream." A man's voice stated calmly, holding out a clipboard, "It's a small procedure called a DNC... do you understand, Ms. Juergens?"
Did she understand? Understand what? Understand that pain radiated sharply inside her pelvis, while a trail of blood ran, and stuck, sickly to her pale skin? Or that a slew of nurses and doctors poked and prodded her numb body as she shut down because hearing the truth was too painful?
No, no she didn't understand. She would never understand.
Amy sniffled, wiping away the tears sliding down her cheeks, "Then we'll get a second opinion. And a third, and a fourth, there's got to be -"
"There isn't." Ashley deadpanned, biting her bottom lip, "I've already had a second opinion, and a third... they all said the same thing... I'm not meant to be a mother." Rising out of the chair, she swiped her cheeks, "It's not like I ever wanted children. Seeing what you went through made birth control that much more appealing... but after I met Toby... I don't know, something changed. I started having these fantasies about motherhood and children with my eyes and his smile... and now that's... gone..."
"What does Toby say about it?"
"He says he doesn't care - he understands... but I know it's hurting him too. When Dad called us to tell us about Emma, the night she was born, Toby wanted to get on a red-eye and see her. We'd discussed children that week, having Dad keep us up to date with you and Emma. I saw the light in his eyes when he thought about little versions of ourselves running around... So when we got the news... he was devastated... he wouldn't look at me for hours, just kept looking at his hands or the ground. It was too painful to look at me and know the things we couldn't have together because my body is screwed up!"
Grabbing her by her shoulders, Amy pulled Ashley into a hug, "It's not your fault. Okay, it's not. You're not screwed up. And Toby will understand, he loves you." Her heart was breaking for her sister. All their childhood, Amy could remember Ashley carting around dolls in strollers, calling them her babies. So when Amy got pregnant, it gave Ashley a whole new perspective on being a mother. And now that her sister wouldn't even have a chance to experience it, it made Amy feel so guilty that she had all of it, as her sister convulsed in her arms. "Shhhh."
"How do you do it? Go on living life while the two miniature versions of you and Ricky are out of your reach. Don't you miss them?"
"Every single second of every single day."
They pulled away, "It tears me apart some nights that I just sob over their pictures because I'm not here. I don't know if they're happy... or sad, or in pain... and it kills me..." She paused, glancing at that damn door her son was barricaded behind again, "Nobody ever told me that being a parent is singlehandedly the best joy one person can experience, while also being the most difficult: we have to make decisions for ourselves while also trying to do what's best for them... and I'm not what's best for them... they deserve better than me!" Her lip quivered, and saying the words aloud caused a strange calm to wash over her. No longer hiding behind the lie she told everyone - and herself. They deserved better because she wasn't herself anymore, and she didn't know why, but she did know that Ricky was better. They needed Ricky. And... so did she.
"Ask yourself Amy - is it better for them that you're running away from the man you love because you're afraid?" Ashley countered, putting her hand on her elbow, "You've never been a selfish person. Not once in your entire life - so why now? Sure you didn't make the best choices, but look what it got you. You have a wonderful son who adores you and a beautiful daughter who looks just like you! You have a man who would literally walk through hell for you! Why don't you want that? What are you so afraid of?" Her tone changed, "I'll tell you... you're afraid to admit that you still love Ricky because you're afraid of failing: like Mom and Dad did. You're afraid that Ricky will go off and cheat on you because he's unhappy with you, or because he doesn't want your little family anymore."
The words of truth stung. She was partially right, but there were other things - things she didn't know about them, that was making this conversation harder on her heart than the previous ones. She did love Ricky. She loved him with her entire self. But she wasn't good for him, and sooner or later everyone would realize that. He would realize that.
"Ricky isn't dad, Amy. And you're not mom. So instead of sheltering yourself behind this wall of denial - run to him and tell him the truth! Take hold of your life and relish in the things that other people wish they had!"
Snoring soundly, they were passed out on the sofa, her on his chest: still dressed in his wedding attire. It had taken him a while to get her to sleep, wearing her out enough to where her eyes struggled to stay open; fluttering as her head would drop and rise, just to drop again. So when the light tapping of the door woke him up, he held a breath and hoped it wouldn't do the same to her. It didn't, but his shift to standing did. Emma stirred with a jerk, but after a few pats on her bottom coupled with his gentle shushing, she slipped back into slumber.
Opening the door, he was surprised to see who stood on the other side. She slung him across her body, struggling against the toddler's weight on her chest.
"Amy? I thought I was picking him up from Ashley in the morning... is something wrong?" Ricky yawned, careful that his jaw didn't bump Emma's head and wake her.
Amy shrugged, sadness in her voice, "He was asking for you so..."
Nodding, he gestured to the hallway, "Give me a sec" disappearing for a few minutes before he came back with his hands out, "I'll take him... c'mere buddy" Gathering their son into his grasp, he carted him into the bedroom next, waking him only slightly as he twitched and mumbled into his shoulder.
Following him, she leaned against the doorframe, watching with admiration at how gentle Ricky was with John as he kissed his forehead lovingly.
They were in the school hallway, arguing. Ricky was mocking her breakup with Ben, a smirk on his face as he told her it was admirable for Ben to stick by her while she was carrying his baby. His brow rose slightly, the smirk disappearing and being replaced with something she couldn't distinguish, as his voice got a little rougher, emotional. "And I know I agreed to give up our baby, but Amy it's killing me. Even if you find the perfect couple I don't know how you're going to do it. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Hold the baby with his tiny little hands and feet, completely helpless... and then just hand him over to someone else."
It felt as if had stabbed her because he was right. She didn't know how she was going to do it - this was her child growing inside her. The little kicks he made during the conversation only intensified both her sadness and her anger at herself for even having to make this decision.
Ricky's eyes got soft when he noticed her face, "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry," shocking her as he embraced her, and strangely calmed her.
Ricky had changed so much since then. She couldn't believe that she actually thought he wouldn't be a good dad; that he'd be the worst person to have a child with - when in reality he was singlehandedly the best. He didn't have to try to love their children, it just came naturally since the day John was born - seeing the light in his eyes when he saw the red-faced newborn in her arms - their son; the combination of a damaged kid from a rough past, and a naïve, nerdy, confused teenaged girl just trying to navigate the world. Now here they stood, three and a half years later, inside their children's shared bedroom.
Three and a half years flew by, no longer a baby who depended on her for everything, but a young child finding independence in a difficult world. John had feelings, and emotions, and could vocalize his wants, needs, and frustrations: frustrations and emotions about her, and how hurt he's become by a situation he never asked for but got anyway.
Maybe she was selfish for not allowing him to be adopted: for believing that she could provide him with everything he would need to be happy.
She tried, they tried, for him. Emma was just a blessed result of that trial, but they both knew had it not been for John, Emma wouldn't be there. And that's why everything was so hard. She loved Ricky, and Ricky loved her, and they loved the life they'd fought so hard to build - but they were still just kids themselves, with no real guidance on what to do, and no real role model to turn to see what a functional, loving relationship looked like. He'd never committed to anyone besides her, and she'd never been with anyone except him. But was that enough to go off of? To rebuild something already so fragile it was crumbling through their fingers? Or would it be just like they were playing house; putting up with the life they had because of obligation to their children? Could they ever be truly happy again...
"Amy?" Ricky whispered, drawing her out of her inner monolog, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumb that had unknowingly poured from her eyes, "What happened?"
Looking up at him, Amy catapulted into his chest, grasping onto his shirt, slobbering, "H-he h-h-hates m-meee!"
Holding firm to her shaking body, he swallowed, "Amy... I..."
Cutting him off she shook her head and sniffled, "Not you... John..."
"You're tired. You're not thinking clearly -"
She pushed away from his chest, biting her thumbnail as she repeated the phrase, "I hate you, Mommy!" It tasted vile on her tongue. "... I was packing and he just got so upset..."
He swallowed again, thinking their son had somehow heard those same words fall from his lips; guilt seeping into his features, "He didn't mean it. He's just very confused by all of this..."
"My child hates me, Ricky!" She wept, grasping the roots of her hair as she struggled to breathe through clenched teeth, "I messed everything up, and now they -"
"Ames -" He sighed, pulling her into another embrace.
Shaking him away, she pushed his chest, "No! No don't you dare defend me! I singlehandedly shattered our children's lives... and as a result..." Pausing, and sinking down the wall to the floor, "I'm a monster!"
Joining her, he squeezed her hand, "... you're not a monster, Amy..." He wanted to pull her out of the darkness; out of the pit of despair, and denial, and into his arms. He wanted to kiss her tears away and whisper into her ear that everything would be okay. That they would be okay.
But the truth was, he couldn't, because he didn't even know if those things were true anymore. Would she be okay? Would they? Would he? She was starting to slip through again; penetrating that wall one hiccup and tear at a time.
"Why me?" She whispered to her shoes, head bent down to avoid his eyes.
His brow furrowed in confusion, "what?"
Taking in a deep breath, Amy lifted her head and met his eyes, her voice weak and hoarse as she questioned him, "Why did you choose me, Ricky? Out of all the other girls at that band camp... Why me?"
Ricky's eyes were glassy, a tear rolling down his cheek.
What do you think Ricky's answer is going to be? Stay tuned... ;)