When Kathryn entered the ready room, the atmosphere was charged. Chakotay was glowering at Captain Hansen, who was seated facing her desk. He himself seemed to have been pacing. But both turned their heads in her direction in unison, wearing the exact same look of concern; it was almost comical. She ignored it. These kinds of looks definitely were something she had wanted to avoid as long as possible.
Kathryn sat down behind her desk and signaled Chakotay to do the same, which he did while keeping the greatest possible distance to Captain Hansen. She frowned. What had happened between these two?
"Sorry about the delay." She said to both of them, then turned to Captain Hansen. "You said you came to bring us home. How do you propose to accomplish that?"
"You will use the transwarp hub situated in the nebula you came across three days ago."
Kathryn's eyes widened. "A Borg transwarp hub?"
"Yes. This is one of only six existing hubs in this galaxy. It connects with thousands of transwarp conduits with endpoints in all four quadrants. It allows the Collective to deploy vessels almost anywhere in the galaxy within minutes."
"That's why that place was crawling with Borg. We can't go in there, we don't stand a chance!"
Unable to sit any longer, she stood up.
"Not with your current shielding and weapons. That's why I brought this." Captain Hansen took two PADDs from a small stack, which she must have beamed from her ship, and handed them to her. "Ablative armor and transphasic torpedoes. Both should prove very effective against the Borg. If you upgrade your systems now, you could be home by this evening."
They could be home. Today. The prospect made her dizzy and she braced herself against her desk. Things were going too fast and her mind was reeling.
"What will keep the Borg from following us into the Alpha quadrant?" Chakotay asked the obvious question. Kathryn blanched at the thought. The horror of leading the Borg right to Earth!
"Nothing." Captain Hansen seemed unconcerned. "The transwarp hub has been there for years. If they wished to go they could have done so anytime."
"But if we use it and maybe even have to fire on them, won't they retaliate?"
"The Borg don't feel the need for revenge."
"The Drones don't." Kathryn joined in. "But the Queen might." She tapped her fingers on the top of her desk. "Can we destroy it?"
"You are right, Captain. Of all the Borg's tactical advantages, this could be the most significant. If we destroyed it, we could deal a major blow to the collective," Chakotay remarked.
"The structure is supported by a series of interspatial manifolds. If you could disable enough of them, theoretically the hub would collapse." Captain Hansen looked at Kathryn insistingly. "It isn't possible in reality. The shielding for those manifolds is regulated from the central nexus by the Queen herself. You might be able to damage one of them, maybe two. But by the time you moved onto the third, she'd adapt."
"There may be a way to bring them down simultaneously," Kathryn said thoughtfully.
"You think from inside the hub? Voyager would be destroyed as well."
"What about taking the conduit back to the Alpha Quadrant and then destroying the structure from the other side?" Chakotay asked.
"This hub is here. There's nothing in the Alpha Quadrant but exit apertures. Captain, I came here to provide you with a way home and not assist you with a suicide mission."
Kathryn sat down heavily. "You are right. But if using the hub or destroying it is too dangerous, we will continue on our journey as before. I am sorry for everything you risked, but we can't take you up on your offer."
"Then you have come to the wrong conclusion, Captain. In my opinion, using the hub is a risk worth taking. Fearing the Borg's revenge is unnecessary. As long as you don't provoke them, they will deem it irrelevant to follow you to Earth."
"Our presence alone might provoke them, the torpedoes definitely will."
"They will let you go unless you try something foolish like destroying that hub. The Queen knows you, Captain, and your tendency to interfere in things that don't concern you. Stop interfering and she will be satisfied, especially if Voyager is out from under her feet," Seven emphasized with a slightly impatient undertone.
Kathryn furrowed her brows. "If you are referring to Unimatrix Zero, I remember distinctly that it was you who asked for my help." She held up a hand to stave off further discussions. "Be this as it may, I still think it is too much of a gamble."
Captain Hansen glanced at Chakotay. "May I speak with you privately, Captain?"
Chakotay jumped up, his lips forming a thin line. "If you excuse me, Captain - s," he added as an afterthought, "I am needed… elsewhere." He was gone before Kathryn could either dismiss or placate him. The only thing she could do was shoot him a troubled look, which he never caught.
"That wasn't very nice," she informed the older woman.
"I can't think much about exchanging pleasantries right now, Captain. Time is of the essence."
'In the truest sense of the word,' Kathryn thought and sighed. She made her way to the replicator and ordered a thermos of her favorite tea. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked her guest.
Captain Hansen opened her mouth, then hesitated. "A glass of water is sufficient, thank you."
"But not your first choice of drink? You were going to ask for something else, weren't you?" She just couldn't help being curious.
"I… yes. But it is not a necessity."
"Something our replicators are not yet programmed with?"
"No. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable, Captain."
"Captain Hansen, you may order whatever you like."
"Well, I would like a coffee, then," Captain Hansen admitted. Kathryn ducked her head to hide her smile.
"Of course," she said softly. "How do you take it?"
"Black, no sugar."
"A woman after my own heart," Kathryn said with dancing eyes as she placed the coffee on the small table on the raised section of the ready room asking the other woman to join her on the couch.
"You must think of me as sentimental," Captain Hansen said as she sat down, "but it has grown on me over the years. It's soothing and invigorating at the same time."
"Oh, aren't we all guilty of a little sentimentality sometimes?" Kathryn smiled sadly into her cup of tea, and after a short pause, she continued, "He will die, won't he? Chakotay? And Tuvok, too?"
"No," the other woman's voice was soft. "No, both will see Voyager home."
Kathryn sat her cup on the table and looked sharply at her visitor sensing a much more troubling story than the hopeful statement just given. She raised her eyebrows. "But?"
Captain Hansen sighed. "Are you sure you want to know? There is also the Temporal Prime Directive…"
"Which you have already broken," Kathryn pointed out. "Besides, I doubt that my knowing will make much of a difference anymore. Isn't that why you asked Chakotay to leave in the first place?"
"Then I'll come straight to the point, Captain. Yes, Chakotay will bring Voyager home, but that is all he does. He will honor your request, too much so, if you can say that. I once accused you of taking too many risks with all the exploring you did on the side. He didn't. He always maintained a direct course to Earth. And you were right; it was … dull, not without conflict, of course, but … With your death a light seemed to go out on Voyager and within Chakotay himself. When we got home he signed on to the next hopeless mission he could find. A noble one, no doubt, but everyone knew it was a suicide mission. And everyone proved to be correct."
Kathryn closed her eyes with grief.
"I am sorry, Captain, I wish there was an easier way to tell you."
"No, it's alright. Please go on," Kathryn whispered.
"Tuvok is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition. When I left him yesterday, he hardly recognized me. But he misses you." She put a hand on Kathryn's shoulder. It was a small gesture, yet it made Kathryn realize that their Seven had never initiated physical contact with anyone before. She looked up to find this Seven's eyes bright with unshed tears.
"And he still worries about you. On his clearer days, he remembers what happened, but most of the time, he is desperate to find you. It is hard seeing him this way."
Kathryn felt tears of her own cloud her vision. She blinked. To know that both of her dearest friends would suffer like this…
"You said 'is'? Tuvok already has this disorder?"
"Yes."
"But why hasn't he told me about it? No," she said when Captain Hansen started to speak, "I know, this is the pot calling the kettle black. I just wish he wouldn't feel the need to suffer alone." Some things made sense now, at least.
"And you don't do that, either?" Captain Hansen rebuked her gently. "It is one of my biggest regrets that we couldn't take as much care of you as you deserved. The last days were … difficult … difficult, but good. But you deserved so much more."
Kathryn swallowed hard and put a hand on the older woman's hand. "I am sorry for all that. I can't imagine what you must have gone through, Captain Hansen."
"Thank you, Captain, but please call me Annika," Captain Hansen asked her softly.
"Annika." Kathryn smiled with troubled eyes. "Is there hope for Tuvok if we use the hub?"
"Yes, there is a cure if he gets home soon."
Kathryn looked out at the stars, her voice raspy when she spoke, "It still seems incredibly selfish to even consider using the hub."
Annika left and returned with the PADDs she had brought. Two, presumably the two she had given her earlier, she put on the table, one she handed her.
"It will take this ship sixteen more years until they will reach Earth. Twenty-two additional crew members will die along the way." She pointed at the PADD in Kathryn's hand. "I probably shouldn't give you this. It's all on there: how and when they died. Maybe it will convince you to reconsider or maybe it will help prevent some deaths if you won't." Annika nodded at the two PADDs on the table. "Install the armor and torpedoes at least; they will help with the journey regardless of what you decide. Star charts, information on the races Voyager will encounter." She set the respective PADDs on the table. "All highly classified and temporally illegal." A wistful smile tugged at her lips. "I feared you might not be as receptive to my idea as I hoped."
Annika reached out and took hold of both of Kathryn's hands. "Captain - Kathryn, I came back for you! I never remembered much of my family, but it was you and Voyager's crew that showed me what being a family really is about. I grew up here. I remember your patience and your kindness when you guided me back to humanity and I could always count on you. I took it for granted then, even resisted your efforts at times. In retrospect, I've come to realize how much you sacrificed for me." She squeezed Kathryn's hands. "So please let me help you now. I don't know whether they can find a cure for your illness on Earth, even though I hope they do. But if not, you could at least get your ship home, keep the promise you made. Will you at least think about it?" Annika pleaded.
Kathryn nodded, not trusting her voice at the moment.
"I can't ask for more. If you'll excuse me, I will go back to my ship. I should limit my exposure to other crew members." She stood up.
"You," Kathryn croaked and cleared her throat. "You could stay in one of the guest quarters."
"There is no need. I quite like my little ship," the other woman replied with a fond smile that was obviously directed toward the shuttle. "I will see you later, Captain."
As Annika left, Kathryn stared at the PADD that had fallen to the couch. So many deaths! She picked it up with trembling fingers. Should she dare look at the list? Would, should it make a difference if she knew who would die? Harry Kim or Tal Celes, or the Delaney sisters? Maybe Naomi or the Paris' little girl or one of their parents? A tear slipped from her eye. It filled her with grief that the other Kathryn never had a chance to mourn them. Somehow, that duty now fell on her; one Captain Janeway should mourn her fallen crew. But she found that she couldn't look at the PADD no matter how many times she called herself a coward. The tears fell anyway.
=/\=
Maybe she had nodded off, maybe he didn't bother to chime, but it was his presence that pulled her back, though she only looked up when he sat down next to her.
He scanned her face with fragile tenderness and raised his hand as if to brush her cheek, yet he let it fall into his lap at the last moment, following it with his gaze.
Self-conscious, she used her index finger to rub away her tear tracks. The silence settled around them. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Not really. At this moment their relationship felt like an unstable equilibrium. They were okay until one of them broke the silence, then it could tip in either direction. And Chakotay was definitely the braver of the two.
"You are going to die," he said quietly. "If we don't take her up on that offer, you are going to die."
"Among twenty-two others." She picked up the PADD again which must have slipped from her fingers at one point.
"What's that?" Chakotay asked.
"A list of everyone Voyager is going to lose."
"Have you read it?" His voice was sharp.
Kathryn shook her head. "I couldn't," she whispered.
"And you shouldn't." He snatched the PADD from her grasp. "You shouldn't torture yourself."
"As the captain, it is my responsibility to… to…" Her voice broke at the end.
"No, Kathryn, they might die under my command. Therefore, they are my responsibility. It is unfair to want me to command the ship but for you to keep the responsibility. You'll have to trust me with both," he said not unkindly.
She studied his face as if she needed to memorize it, noticing every line, the shadows under and the barely concealed pain in his eyes. He is hurting, she realized.
"I do trust you." She tried to sound convincing - she had always trusted him and would continue to do so - and yet she caught the fleeting look of doubt crossing his features. It made her wince. "Believe me, I do. I just need to get used to the idea of not being captain anymore. But you can't ask me not to care about our crew. That I can't do."
He smiled ruefully. "I know." His face grew darker. "I can't believe she gave you this." Chakotay shook the PADD.
"You certainly don't like Captain Hansen," Kathryn observed. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened. We just … talked." He chuckled darkly. "But you are right, I don't like her one bit. She is irresponsible and impulsive. And I don't trust her motives. Why come today? She could have come earlier in time to save Joe Carey,..." Kathryn closed her eyes in pain. "...or to prevent us getting near Quarra. She provides us with a half-baked plan that carries more risks than we can count and there is no guarantee that…that you…" Chakotay cleared his throat. "Coming twenty-six years into the past, the least she could have done is come prepared, to bring a cure."
Kathryn thought he was being unfair. Annika may have acted more human than their Seven did, but in no way did she seem irresponsible or impulsive. She had no answer regarding the timing though she trusted Annika to have her reasons. And it was only logical that they had stopped their search for a cure shortly after her death.
Kathryn was wise enough not to tell him that, so she shrugged. "I don't know, Chakotay. I wish I had answers, the right answer. I still would rather destroy the hub than use it. Then again I wish that I could trust her judgement fully. To prevent those deaths and other tragedies, to get Voyager home, now. Sixteen more years is still a long journey. Yet, who are we to even consider meddling with time? Can we play god every time things don't go our way? The Temporal Prime Directive exists for a reason! I keep expecting Captain Braxton to arrive at any moment." She wearily rubbed her face. "I am so tired. I am not even sure I can make the right decision."
"Then don't," Chakotay cried impulsively. "Kathryn," he added more quietly, "I am ready to relieve you today. It doesn't have to be your decision to make."
She regarded him warmly. "Chakotay," she breathed, then shook her head. "That's very considerate of you, but this decision has to be mine."
"So, it all comes back down to trust," he muttered. "You make the decision and I have to see it through."
"No! This is not about trust. I made the decision to strand us in the Delta Quadrant seven years ago, it should be my decision now," Kathryn insisted.
"Why? So you can be the scapegoat if it's the wrong one?"
She pursed her lips. His last statement hit a bit too close to home. And worse, Chakotay noticed it, too.
"Kathryn, you can't keep loading all the guilt on your back. Seven years ago, it was the right decision, and nobody blames you for that. But this time… this time it has to be a mutual one."
Thoughtfully, she reached for her cup, only to grimace, for the tea had gone cold. She quickly drank the rest of it.
"Would you like some tea?" she asked her companion. At his affirmative, she got up to get another cup, then proceeded to pour them both a cup of (hot!) tea.
When Chakotay brought the cup to his lips, his eyes widened in surprise. "But that's my favorite blend," he blurted out.
"Mhm," she agreed. "After the Doctor made me give up coffee, it has quite grown unto me."
"I didn't know…"
"That it was listed second on the favorites list in the replicator?" She grinned at him, which he returned much to her delight.
"You are right," she said softly. "It has to be a mutual decision, though not just you and me. I want the whole senior staff brought into this."
"Good idea," Chakotay concurred.
They sat in companionable silence until someone was gently shaking her shoulder. "You really are tired, aren't you?" he asked with slight concern.
"I am sorry." She hid a yawn behind her hand. "Turns out I'm somewhat of a sloth without my coffee," she joked.
"Then why don't you take a nap?"
"In the middle of all this?" She gesticulated around her.
"Why not? Nobody will make any decisions without you. It might even be good if you slept on it for an hour or two. Look," he continued when he saw her doubtful face, "I will personally take any calls intended for you and make sure that you won't be disturbed."
"Well, if you put it that way, how can I resist?" she conceded with a smile.
"Good, but first you should eat something." Chakotay got up and returned with some vegetable soup and bread rolls.
"Now you are starting to spoil me. Thank you, Chakotay," she said sincerely.
"Not at all. If I were spoiling you, I would have added dessert." They smiled at each other. "Now eat, sleep and I'll call a senior staff meeting in 2.5 hours."
"Aye, Sir," Kathryn chuckled. "Chakotay!" she stopped him on his way out. "At least let the others think about a way to destroy the hub. Oh, and they should start implementing the armor and the torpedoes." She handed him both PADDs.
"Anything else?" he asked amused.
"No," she yawned. "I think that's it."
Chakotay shook his head. "Have a nice nap!"
AN: Merry Christmas to all of you! Thank you so much for reading and everyone who takes the time to leave a comment. Your support is greatly appreciated!