The basis of life comprises of two major elements - survival and procreation. As living organisms ascend the hierarchy of complex intelligences, additional constituents are added, namely social interactions. In the case of humans, the complexities of social relations is what governs the aforementioned components of survival and reproduction. But the basis remains the same.
She should have known. It is clear. The innate need of humans is to ensure its survival and the passing of its genes onto the next generation. If an organism has lost its ability to procreate, the idea of locating a mate is near impossible, regardless of social interactions and courtship. Her thought process has always been governed by the simplicity of such explanations. And while she had moments of hesitation, courtesy of Shisui's appearance in her life, Honoka had never doubted the concept of biology.
Tonight's event had cemented said notion. She cannot reproduce.
The principles of marriage as a means to obtain a mate is therefore nullified. There was never a point to pursue such matter if she cannot fulfil a major part expected of a living organism. Courting and marriage - they are elements that govern a complex organism's chance of a permanent mate - provided they meet the requirements of ongoing survival and reproduction.
She has no chance.
Natural selection will select her out.
Grief, despondency and elements of relief. They are descriptors of her emotions. The latter is what gives rise to the proceeding bewilderment. She expected to feel the weight of loss. Perhaps knowing her fate with Shisui has given her some form of closure? When she cannot defy the laws of nature, then maybe she can finally relinquish the need to control and understand those foreign emotions - love, or whatever that is.
But Honoka's mind works in short term increments. She can only deduce her feelings based on what she has or is presently experiencing. Predicting feelings that sits in the future does not exist in her world. In other words, she lives solely for the present and is heavily influenced by the past.
She holds on to the relief. The closure that keeps her mind pragmatic and her disappointment suppressed.
Even as the fireworks and the sounds of endless cheers permeate her surroundings, she latches to the relief like a moth to flame. In past years, such grand events have never unveiled any emotions beyond the vacancy she displays to the world. This year, relief is an added change, together with a proceeding grief that burns with intolerable pain.
Far from the crowds and behind buildings of closed antique shops, there is a small alleyway that leads to an unkempt garden. But it is behind here that sets a path to an elevated area of the village. One kilometre beyond dirt ridden tracks is a shortcut to her home. She does not often take this route. The darkness does not scare her - it is the narrowness of the path that settles beside the village hills. But the moon is bright and the stars are loud. It is the only approach to escape the crowds.
On her way, she does not heed the two people sitting by the protruding oak tree - until the murmurs catch her.
Their familiarity halts her tracks. Shisui and Nanami. She cannot hear their conversation, but it is the natural lights that hold their features in an allure of contentment.
Instinct pulls her in the direction of home, but curiosity holds her in place.
Her most recent reading, 'Love, Heart and Soul," taught her the meaning of each word in the context of romance and relationship. The heart, not that of the organ but located at the organ, is part of the soul. To understand is one thing, to fully grasp and feel it, is another.
Nanami's laugh is pure and genuine. She speaks of something that seems to generate an expression of inquisitiveness from Shisui. He returns her comment with several words that effortlessly holds his companion's attention. Her eventual answer does not transpire to the jumble of murmur that Honoka can hear from her position. But there is a sudden pause. No speaking. Shisui is looking mildly attentive. Then, Nanami leans close and presses her lips to his.
At least two seconds have passed since the action. But Honoka feels the freeze. That component of relief, the very component she attributed to closure itself, is nothing more than a mere fleeting feeling that kept her mind preoccupied. Logically, she does not understand their action, it is her instinct that comprehends every deed and every moment shared between the two. And it is also instinct that interconnects with what she knows as heart. For the sake of self-preservation, her mind necessitates the need to leave, but her body craves the vicarious desire - or is that instinct again?
Yet the more she lives vicariously through Nanami, the stronger the grief. It torments her like a hungry beast that can only watch as its enemy devours a meal. Imagination and secondhand desire may be the closest way she can get to Shisui. But no one tells her of the agony and the pain that seems to grow in ferocity the longer she holds onto these foreign feelings.
Books, so many books, they tell her of heartbreak, grief, loss and the difficulties one must endure if they are to ever see the other side. But for someone like Honoka, there is no other side. She has become Shisui. The Honoka before had never existed. The Honoka prior had a soulless body that lived amongst the inky monotone of a broken world. And with Shisui's presence, the shadows have painted itself in a vast array of colours that transpired a creation - her.
"Shisui, I cannot move on like the books have taught me," she scrunches her skirts and stares blankly into the darkened skies, "because I don't know how to love someone else."
A Note on Shisui's Character
Some of you maybe a little skeptical around Shisui's characterisation to canon. I can assure you that my story holds to canon materials very closely. Shisui is a side character that required a lot of research and extrapolation in order to get his personality right for this story (same goes with Izumi). Shisui's character study comes from four main canon sources, the anime (not filler episodes), the manga, the character books and most importantly the light novels (Itachi Shinden: Book of Bright Light and Itachi Shinden: Book of Dark Night). The games have quite a bit of canonical materials as well but as I don't play the games I will leave that to the side.
It's important to note that although Shisui is very kind and warm hearted, he is also an honest person - that is, he will not hesitate to tell people what's right and what's wrong. Shisui has elements of a serious side to him that is often seen during his missions and his discussions with Itachi about the Uchiha coup. I strongly recommend you read the Itachi books if you want to get a better idea of Shisui's personality. I think most fans have only either read the manga or watched the anime (or both), which does not depict much of Shisui out of his sweet, kind and genuine personality. To simply put, he isn't always as innocent as he appears...there are darker flavours to him that most fans won't know until they have read the light novels.
And so with this story, I had to take all that I know of Shisui and extrapolate him in certain scenarios.