Two days after being infected by an alien parasite—"not a parasite!"—Okay, okay, my bad... two days after bonding with a symbiote, I—"we"—we went out for our first patrol as vigilantes.

I admit, "patrol" is a strong word. We had no idea where to go. I just didn't want to stay too close to my neighborhood to avoid raising any suspicions. So, we took a huge detour to the other side of Queens to "patrol," hoping to find some unsuspecting criminal to use as a punching bag.

For some reason, it seemed like the city decided to become safe that night. We spent hours walking around and hiding on rooftops—like superheroes do... I think—and we didn't even spot any rough looking guy.

Tired and a bit sleepy, we sat on a bench in some random neighborhood park whose name I can't even remember.

"Good morning." The greeting caught me off guard. Good morning? What time does this guy think it is? It must've been no later than four in the morning, and this random guy was RUNNING in the park. Not running from someone or anything, just exercising. People are weird. Though I probably should've been more surprised that he greeted me instead of screaming. A random guy dressed in black with a mask isn't exactly trustworthy.

"Speaking of which, we need to think about our costume design. You can take any shape, right?"

"Sort of. I need a solid image, and I don't have many colors."

"Your pattern is what? RGB?"

"Screw you."

I swear I felt it rolling around in my head trying to understand what RGB was.

We didn't have much time to argue because a few meters ahead, I saw the jogger stopping to talk to a weird guy in a trench coat... who lunged at his neck. I'm not one to meddle in people's private affairs, but judging by the screams, it didn't seem consensual.

We dashed forward and tackled the trench coat guy, which also knocked over the jogger. The three of us rolled on the ground, and when I got up to check on the jogger, he was unconscious with a bleeding neck. There were two small puncture marks on his neck.

"What the hell!? Who the heck are you?" we heard the trench coat guy screech.

Turning to get a better look at who we were facing, we saw a pretty average normal guy. Average height, average weight, brown hair, brown eyes. What stood out was his very pale skin and, of course, the prominent vampire fangs.

"Stop right there, creature of the night! We won't let you harm this innocent civilian."

"Why are you talking like that?" asked the symbiote in my head.

"Why are you talking like that?" the trench coat guy asked.

I sighed.

"We're vigilantes, got it? We came to stop you from attacking this guy."

"We? Dude, you're alone. And since when are there vigilantes around here?"

For a villain, this guy had a lot of complaints.

"That doesn't matter. We're new in town, that's all."

"Why do you keep saying 'we'?" He insisted and genuinely seemed confused.

I sighed again.

"Show yourself."

When I spoke aloud, a black head with large teeth sprouted from my shoulder.

"Helloooo."

His creepy smile was enough to make the trench coat guy jump in fright and almost fall backward.

"This is my alien parasite; that's my thing."

"I'm not a parasite!"

"Yeah, yeah, you can go back now."

He obeyed, albeit reluctantly. The trench coat guy looked terrified and confused, which almost made me laugh.

"Okay... so you're like, what, the Parasite Kid?"

"We haven't decided on a name yet."

"Well, it doesn't matter. Unfortunately, your career will be very short."

Saying that, he assumed a darker stance. He pulled his cloak over his face—yes, he was wearing a trench coat and a cloak, very weird—and started speaking in a macabre voice. "You had the misfortune of crossing paths with the most wicked creature of the night, the ruthless sucker, the demon of Queens, the pinnacle of creation. I am... the Vampire-Man!" He announced proudly and let out an evil cartoonish laugh. "Muawhahahahaha."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What? Speechless before my nefarious figure?"

"Sorry, just one question... Vampire-Man?" I emphasized my confusion.

"Yeah, you know, a man with the powers of a vampire." He replied as if it were obvious.

"Doesn't that just make you a regular vampire?"

"No, no, I'm still a man because I'm not weak against sunlight or anything."

"Got it... can you turn into a bat?"

"... No."

"But you said you have the powers of a vampire."

Vampire Man sighed and relaxed his posture, letting his arms hang by his sides.

"I have super strength and heal quickly."

"That's not very vampiric."

"Are you a vampire inspector or something? Are you part of the villain name association?" By now, he was getting really pissed off.

"You know I'm right."

"I have to drink blood to activate and maintain these abilities, okay? That's how it works. It's 'my 'thing'." He even made air quotes.

"Honestly, what kind of knock-off vampire bit you? This is like the worst version of a vampire; you don't even have the cool powers."

"I wasn't bitten, okay?!" The way he yelled and complained was hard not to laugh at; he sounded like an angry Donald Duck. "One of my ancestors was a vampire; the powers got diluted over generations."

I sighed. Loudly.

"Guess you can't expect much from your first villain."

"Oh, screw you, man. I'm done with this."

Finally, he decided to attack, lunging at me. Whether it was anger or just clumsiness, his stance was completely open. He was careless. One solid punch to the face sent him flying into a tree.

I approached to check on him and he was alreeady unconscious.

"Well, that was easy. He didn't even stand a chance."

"Can we eat him now?" the symbiote asked.

"Nooo. We have to hand him over to the police." My refusal was followed by an annoyed groan from my other self. "And besides, who knows what this guy's blood would do to us? I don't want to turn into a vampire... or almost one."

"What is a vampire anyway?"

"Wait, all this time you didn't know what a vampire was? Couldn't you just search my mind?"

"I tried, but all I found was this blonde woman with a sword speaking some language I don't know."

I thought it best to stay quiet and tried to clear my mind. It was way too soon for him to learn about anime. He'd get all the wrong ideas.

We tied Vampire Man with his own cloak and dropped him off at the nearest police station along with the jogger. I just hope he doesn't turn into an "almost-pire" too—one of those is enough.