Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 10
EPISODE 7
Air Date: October 27, 2024
"Halloween Begins Again" (rewritten version of "Halloween in Seattle"; fifth episode of season one of Thank You, Heavenly)
#TYH1001
COLD OPEN
(The instrumental to "Premonition (Intro)" by Eminem plays in the background))
A caption appears over the black screen in white lettering: "The following events take place in October 2012, around the time of the Halloween holiday. Watch without prejudice, for you might be wondering to yourself why everybody acts like they're in desperate need of a brain transplant."
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Dissolve. Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are at their lockers.
WADE: I don't know why it's a big deal to you.
RK: Dude, for the last time, tossed salad and scrambled eggs isn't a meal. How would someone get their nutrients from that?
WADE: The last time you ate healthy, Bush was still president.
RK: Ah, well, there you go. Politics and a proper diet, it's all in the same gang.
SPARKY: RK, shut the f*** up. We need to plan out what we're doing for Halloween.
BUSTER: I thought we were going trick-or-treating.
SPARKY: Yeah, but where are we going to get the best candy? What are we wearing? These are important questions for kids.
RK: It's Halloween, not the Victoria's Secret fashion show.
SPARKY: We can always go trick-or-treating without you.
RK: Hey, I'm just saying. The day we start putting too much pressure on ourselves to trick-or-treat is the day we die.
BUSTER: Don't worry, RK, I already know what I'm going as. Chuck E. Cheese.
RK: I was worried?
SPARKY: Oh yeah, from the commercials?
BUSTER: No, not that lame-ass rat. I'm talking the real Chuck E. Cheese. Mr. Chuck E. Cheese himself.
WADE: Buster, there's only one Chuck E. Cheese.
BUSTER: No, there's not. Ugh, I have to do this every time?
Buster pulls out a poster from his pocket. INSERT: The poster depicts the original Chuck E. Cheese mascot, alongside the new "Rock Star Chuck" mascot as part of Chuck E. Cheese's rebranding in 2012.
BUSTER (CONT.): See? On your left, you have the original Chuck E. Cheese, the guy I'm going as. The guy that everyone loved and respected. Girls wanted to be with him, guys wanted to be with him.
RK: You mean, guys wanted to be him?
BUSTER: Don't correct what I said. Anyway, this was when Chuck E. Cheese's was cool. Now, on your right, you have the new Chuck E. Cheese that's all, "totally gnarly, bro" and he sings stupid-ass songs on his stupid-ass guitar. Funner is not a word. It never will be a word, and that's why we have to stop Chuck E. Cheese's before it's too late.
WADE: This is the weirdest thing you've ever been mad about.
BUSTER: I have time to be mad, Wade. Lots of time.
Buster puts the poster back in his pocket when Halley walks by with her friends. Sparky gets a goofy look on his face.
HALLEY: Oh, hey Sparky.
SPARKY: Hey Halley. What's up, Haizy baby? *imitating Rerun from "What's Happening!"* Hey hey hey!
Sparky starts performing Rerun's signature dance, which makes Halley and her friends laugh as they walk away.
RK: You're a disgrace to every guy that's ever liked a girl.
SPARKY: Are they gone yet? My knees feel like they're about to cave in.
RK: Yes, they're gone. Do you see anybody but us here? Do you?!
SPARKY: Bro, calm down. What's it to you?
WADE: We're just concerned, Sparky. We know you like Halley, but you can't let her get to you like this. She's just a girl.
SPARKY: I bet you don't feel that way about Jaylynn.
WADE: Jaylynn's a Greek goddess and a succubus at the same time. Unfair comparison.
RK: I'm going to vomit all over both of you.
SPARKY: Look, do you know how much I would love to get Halley's attention and just talk to her? But I never get the chance. It's like my brain sends signals that my body doesn't know about.
BUSTER: Wow. That's what it's like to be me all the time.
WADE: I bet it is. Just calm down the next time you see her, Sparky. You're headed for a fall if you keep acting like this.
SPARKY: You're right. And I'll make sure to give you that same memo the next time you hear Jaylynn's voice.
WADE: Again, you're comparing champagne to ginger ale. With all due respect.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks into the house after school as KG talks on the phone. KG turns to RK as he hears the door close.
KG: Will you keep your f***ing voice down?!
Beat.
RK: What?
KG: I know, I know. Beat. Okay, I'll be there. Talk to you tomorrow.
KG hangs up the phone.
KG (CONT.): Yes!
("Get You Going" by Alvin and the Chipmunks plays briefly in the background)
KG starts dancing as RK gives him a concerned look.
RK: Between you, Sparky, and Wade, I don't know who's embarrassing me more today.
KG: Little bro, how many Halloween parties have I been invited to?
RK: None, because according to you, the white man's been keeping you from them your whole life?
KG: Well, do you know who just got invited to one?
RK: Could we stop this?
KG: Me! I got invited to my first ever Halloween party!
RK: Are we even having a conversation? Besides, what's the big deal anyway?
KG: RK, let me enlighten you so you learn something. I've never had the chance to enjoy myself on Halloween.
RK: That's not true. We went trick-or-treating together.
KG: No, we went with Mom and Dad. Not even Full House did some lame shit like that. Or maybe they did. The point is, I've never had the chance to shine on Halloween. Just me, solo, one of one. Now, I do, and the whole world is going to bow down when it sees me go to that Halloween party.
RK: So, what are you going to do? Talk to your friends from school, eat Doritos, and not let anyone see you watch Mike the Knight on your Kindle?
KG: That was one time!
RK: You have the whole first season on the DVR!
KG: Oh, so you're keeping track of the first season, huh? Your creepy ass has all this inside information on Nick Jr. shows?
Beat.
RK: I'm tired already, go back to your stupid dance.
KG: Gladly.
("Get You Going" plays in the background again)
RK shakes his head in disgust as he walks upstairs and KG performs various contemporary dances, including Victor Cruz's touchdown salsa dance and Gangnam Style.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster stand by the water fountain the next day.
SPARKY: I don't know, Buster. Maybe Wade's right. It's not healthy for me to act like a weirdo whenever I see Halley.
BUSTER: Hey, you're in love. You can't help how you feel. I remember my first crush.
SPARKY: Who was it?
BUSTER: Oh, it wasn't a girl. It was a Subway sandwich. Meatballs, chicken tenders, that special sauce that's ooey gooey, but they never tell you what it is.
SPARKY: Wasn't there an episode of South Park about this?
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm trying to tell you a personal story about my feelings. Please respect that.
SPARKY: Okay, okay. So, you were in love with this sandwich.
BUSTER: Yeah. Every day, I would go to Subway and think about buying it, but I never did. I thought that if I bought it, it would never be as good as I thought it would be.
SPARKY: So, how did you get over it?
BUSTER: I didn't. I'm still upset about it. But that Subway closed down a long time ago. Pretty sure it's a liquor store now.
SPARKY: Buster, how does this help me with Halley?
BUSTER: You have to live in the moment, man. Don't freeze up, be a man. Because if you don't face how you feel, one day, Halley's going to become just another liquor store.
Buster hugs Sparky and pokes his stomach.
BUSTER (CONT.): We're all rooting for you, Sparky.
Buster walks away. Sparky shakes his head and begins to walk away in the other direction, but he ends up bumping into Halley, which causes them to fall down.
SPARKY: Sorry.
HALLEY: No, it's okay. Sometimes, I'm directionally challenged.
SPARKY: Yeah, directions. Do you listen to One Direction?
HALLEY: Eh, not really, but my sister does. You should hear her talk about them, she sounds like she should be in a padded cell.
SPARKY: Many people in prison are there by mistake.
HALLEY: What?
SPARKY: Nothing, I'm out.
Sparky begins walking away.
HALLEY: Wait. Um, I just wanted to know...do you have plans for Halloween?
SPARKY: No. I don't. No Halloween plans to be spoken of.
HALLEY: Well, I'm hanging out with some friends that night. You should come with us.
SPARKY: Really? Me, you, and your crew all night long?
HALLEY: Yeah, you'll have fun.
Halley takes out a piece of paper and writes her number down, then gives it to Sparky.
HALLEY (CONT.): Here. Text me and I'll let you know what's happening.
SPARKY: Sure. Thanks, Grandma.
HALLEY: What?
SPARKY: You remind me of...somebody's grandma. Not because you look like a grandma, but I mean, if you were a grandma, you would be pretty damn young.
Beat.
HALLEY: I would be, wouldn't I?
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Sparky is on the phone with Jaylynn. Intercut between Sparky and Jaylynn.
SPARKY: Why...the hell...would I tell her I have no plans?
JAYLYNN: Because you want to be her baby daddy. Why else would you tell her that?
SPARKY: You're cute. Seriously, Jay, I don't know what to do. This is the closest I've ever been, but I can't let the guys down. They won't understand.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, you and your big boy problems. Look, you really like Halley, right?
SPARKY: Of course.
JAYLYNN: And the guys want you to be happy, right?
SPARKY: Right.
JAYLYNN: So just tell them the truth. If they don't get it, then it's obvious they'll never touch a girl as long as they live.
SPARKY: Yeah, I hear ya.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey Sparky, you want a beer?
SPARKY: What? No! This is the worst time to ask me that stupid-ass question!
BITCH CLOCK: Why? If you're with Halley on Halloween, you get a couple in you and you won't talk like you're just learning English. "Uh, uh, Halley, I, like to, uh...know if you would d-d-d-do me the honor of..."
Jaylynn starts laughing.
JAYLYNN (V.O.): Your alarm clock knows what he's talking about.
SPARKY: Bye Jaylynn.
Sparky hangs up.
SPARKY (CONT.): I'm glad everyone enjoys making fun of me.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, lighten up. And grow a set and tell your boys that Halloween's cancelled.
SPARKY: No way. I was the one who wanted to go trick-or-treating the most. I can't forget that because something obviously better came along.
BITCH CLOCK: So, what are you gonna do? Be in two places at once? Are you really about to stoop that low like some sweaty-necked dweeb?
SPARKY: No, that doesn't even work on TV. But I'm going to see if I can end the night short. Then I'll meet up with Halley, work my magic, and she'll see a whole new side of me.
BITCH CLOCK: You're going to show her your ass?
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): What? I've mooned a couple chicks myself. It shows balls. Not all of them responded well, but I'm not thinking about the thirteen girls that kicked me out. I'm thinking about the two girls that cooked me breakfast the next day.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG sits on a stool and tunes his guitar. He has on a backwards baseball cap, a black wifebeater, a cross necklace, and grey sweatpants. He then starts to play "As Long as You Love Me" by Justin Bieber featuring Big Sean. RK walks in shortly after.
KG: "As long as you love me, we could be starving/We could be homeless, we could be broke/As long as you love me, I'll be your platinum/I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold."
RK: What did I tell you about letting Bieber into my house?
KG: Nothing, because it's my house and I'll throw you on the street if you don't lose that bass in your voice?
RK: I mean, uh, yes, sir, Mr. KG, sir. What are you doing there, Mr. KG, sir?
KG: I'm rehearsing for Halloween. You remember Angela, right?
RK: You mean, Angela Angela? The Angela?
KG: That Angela. It turns out that not only is she feeling me, but she also thinks I look like Justin Bieber.
RK: She told you that?
KG: No, Rodney did. But he heard it from someone who's friends with her, so I'm pretty sure I'm in there.
RK: Wow. So, what's your game plan?
KG: I come to that party dressed like Justin. Dance like Justin, play the guitar like Justin, and serenade Angela with some of Justin's hits. I'll have her after two songs. I might even get a hickey.
RK: What the hell is that?
KG: Let's just say if I pull off a few tricks on Halloween, Angela might give me a little treat if you know what I'm saying.
RK: Oh, I get it. Gross teenage sex stuff, I'm not going to ask for more details. Good luck.
KG: Thanks, but I won't need it. This is going to be the greatest Halloween ever.
As RK walks upstairs, KG turns to the TV and sees a news report.
KG (CONT.): What's going on here?
KG unmutes the TV. Cut to the TV. As the reporter speaks, grainy security footage is shown of the IHOP Killer in action.
REPORTER: Authorities say the IHOP Killer struck again last night outside of IHOP, choking two 15-year-old girls to death. The killer's pattern is to wait outside of IHOP establishments late at night, menace teenagers for their leftovers, and strangle them fatally if they don't comply. The IHOP Killer has over 29 bodies to his name, all of whom are between the ages of 12 and 19.
KG: Wait a minute. I eat IHOP. I'm 14. Holy shit, the killer's coming after me next!
KG quickly closes the curtains, turns on the lights in the living room and kitchen, then runs to the couch and sits in the fetal position.
KG (CONT.): I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything, don't kill me. Don't kill me, please.
SCENE 6
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The guys are having a meeting over root beer floats.
WADE: Okay, since Buster's decided to go as Chuck E. Cheese for Halloween, I figured out a costume strategy for the rest of us. We can go as the Big Three.
SPARKY: The Big Three?
WADE: Yeah, the Miami Heat's Big Three? Sparky, you can be LeBron, I'll be Dwyane Wade because...you know, and RK can be Chris Bosh.
RK: Ewww. I don't wanna be Chris Bosh.
WADE: Why not?
RK: Because it doesn't scream Halloween. Chris Bosh is just there all the time. And what kind of last name is that? Bosh. It sounds like what a British guy says when he blows up the toilet. "Oh, bollocks, I appear to have boshed rather ghastly."
SPARKY: Are you just acting out because you already have a costume?
RK: Shut up. You don't know nothing, shut up.
WADE: Well, I drafted some preliminary sketches just so you guys can see how good we look.
Wade shows off some sketches depicting Sparky as LeBron James, himself as Dwyane Wade, and RK as Chris Bosh.
SPARKY: You drew these yourself?
WADE: Yeah. I, uh...I thought I made that clear five seconds ago.
BUSTER: But they don't look anything like us. And why am I not in them?
WADE: Because you're wearing a different costume, Buster. And these are preliminary sketches. I'm drawing us in Halloween costumes, not trying to find the f***ing IHOP Killer!
SPARKY: Wade, easy, easy. It's okay.
WADE: I'm sorry, it just...it just came out of me, you know?
RK: These are lovely, but if we're going as NBA players, I won't settle for anything less than Kobe.
WADE: Kobe's played out.
RK: Played out? Kobe has his own Big Three going on. I bet you the Lakers roll over the Heat in next year's Finals.
WADE: We'll see if they even get to the Finals.
BUSTER: Did you guys know I'm going to talk like Chuck E. on Halloween?
SPARKY: You know what? Since we're all here, I have something to tell you guys.
RK: What is it?
SPARKY: Uh...it turns out that...
Beat.
SPARKY (CONT.): I prefer light mayo to regular mayo.
WADE: Makes sense.
RK: Yeah, it's way less fattening.
BUSTER: Good for you, man.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On Halloween, Sparky is adjusting his white headband to go with his LeBron James costume: A white Miami Heat home jersey with the number "6," white athletic shorts, and all-white Jordans. Bitch Clock walks downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: What the hell are you wearing? You look like you're about to choke in the Finals.
SPARKY: Why does everyone keep making that tired-ass joke? And I'm dressed like this because it was Wade's idea. It's about showing solidarity.
BITCH CLOCK: So, you were too much of a pussy to tell them that you're hanging out with Halley. Got it.
SPARKY: I realized I don't need to tell them. I'm going to do whatever I can to speed the night up. The faster we go trick-or-treating, the faster I can meet up with Halley.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, that could work. Or they'll figure out what you're doing and hate you for lying to them.
SPARKY: What the hell's wrong with you? You're more lucid than usual.
BITCH CLOCK: I didn't have time to go to the liquor store today.
Buster walks in dressed as Bane from "The Dark Knight Rises."
BUSTER: Ready to get some candy, Sparky?
SPARKY: I thought you were going as Chuck E. Cheese.
BUSTER: I am. But this is my warmup costume. You know how on Jersey Shore, they have the shirt before the shirt? T-shirt time?
SPARKY: I don't watch that show.
BITCH CLOCK: The last season's been mediocre, I'm not gonna lie.
BUSTER: Well, this is the costume before the costume. I have my Chuck E. Cheese costume at home. We'll stop there, I'll change, then we can pick up RK and Wade.
SPARKY: Wait, let me get this straight. You chose to waste time by putting on a costume before the costume you're going to wear in public, and we're the only two people who are going to see it?
Beat.
BUSTER: You want to hear how I sound with the mask?
Buster turns on the voice function on his Bane mask.
BUSTER (CONT.): I'm a ghost from another planet. Oooooooh.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: I can't handle this sober, I'm going to the bar.
Bitch Clock walks out of the house.
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks downstairs in his Kobe Bryant costume and sees KG on the couch, in an almost catatonic state as he watches the news.
RK: Bro, you have to give the news a rest. Rodney's coming any minute.
KG: Who cares? The IHOP Killer is going to slaughter me, Rodney, any eighth grader that tries to test him. It's not worth it.
RK: KG, you're focused on the wrong things. The reason the news exists is to fill our heads with mindless stories so we think the world is worse than it already is. I mean, who cares that some guy beat his wife to death because she ordered pizza for dinner?
KG: You're naïve to the facts. But it's okay, you're just a nine-year-old baby.
RK: And you're a fourteen-year-old manchild. Come on, KG, get dressed, go to that party and have some fun. Remember Angela?
KG: Angela?
KG goes up to RK and grabs him.
KG (CONT.): Man, f*** Angela. F*** Angela. The IHOP Killer's out there, man, he's all over the news! There won't be another Halloween for me if I leave this house!
Beat.
RK: You didn't brush today, did you?
Rodney opens the door and walks in dressed as Bootsy Collins.
RODNEY: It's Rodney, baby.
RK: Okay, I've seen enough of this freak show. I'm meeting up with the guys, I'll see you later.
RK leaves the house.
RODNEY: I can't believe he's Kobe. That guy's so old.
KG: What are you doing here? I thought I told you I wasn't going to the party.
RODNEY: You weren't joking? Honestly, after we got off the phone, I laughed about it for two minutes. I had to go to the bathroom.
KG: Gross. Well, now that you're here, you can't leave. You're making yourself vulnerable to the IHOP Killer.
RODNEY: The IHOP Killer?
KG: Yes! Am I the only one that cares about current events?! He's slicing up kids our age every day, he probably has a hit list for tonight!
RODNEY: So, why did you let your little brother go out there?
KG: He's just a boy, the IHOP Killer's not touching anybody his age. Me? I'm an old man. And so are you.
RODNEY: Look, K, I know we all go through our weird phases, but I didn't spend $300 on this costume to stay home. We're going to that party.
KG: No, we're not! And if...wait, $300? Damn, they saw you coming.
SCENE 9
That night, the boys are walking around the neighborhood trick-or-treating. The block is filled with kids in various costumes looking for candy. Buster is now dressed like the old-school Chuck E. Cheese mascot.
RK: Sparky, are you sure this is a good neighborhood? There are too many kids here.
SPARKY: Of course, it is. These people just want you to leave them alone so it's fast. Bada bing, bada boom. In and out, you know what I mean?
RK: I...want to believe I do?
BUSTER: Hey kids! Check out my Chuck Touch!
Buster pokes Wade in his shoulder.
WADE: What the hell are you doing?
BUSTER: At Chuck E. Cheese's, kids have the fun, and you get the credit.
WADE: Why are you talking like that?
SPARKY: Wade, just go with it. It's going to be a long night.
Sparky's phone vibrates and he takes it out. INSERT: A text from Halley that reads "Are you coming?"
SPARKY (CONT.): Shit.
RK: What's wrong, Sparko?
SPARKY: Uh, nothing. Just the cool October air might give me a cold, it's chilly tonight.
RK: Doesn't seem that cold to me. We're in jerseys, man.
WADE: Yeah, as far as late October goes, this is like summertime.
SPARKY: Sure, why not?
BUSTER: Hey kids, if you're looking for candy, Chuck has some free candy of his own. Yes sir.
Buster gives tokens to Sparky, RK, and Wade.
WADE: Buster, these are tokens.
BUSTER: Chuck E. Cheese knows what kids want on Halloween. Tokens, discounts, the whole nine.
RK: Are you quoting the commercials or are you coming up with all this on your own?
WADE: What you should be asking is "Why is this happening at all?"
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG and Rodney are on the couch watching TV. Rodney is bored out of his mind while KG takes notes.
RODNEY: KG, I know you don't want to go to the party, but could we at least watch something else?
KG: Sure. I think there are some news reports about Hurricane Sandy. It will be a break.
RODNEY: Hey dumbass, listen to me. I came here to pick you up so you could impress Angela, not hear about FEMA screwing people out of money.
KG: Man, f*** Angela. F*** Angela. The IHOP Killer's out there, man, he's all over the news!
RODNEY: Yeah, you've said that six times already. I swear, you need to start getting high or something.
Beat.
RODNEY (CONT.): Yes. Maybe you need to start getting high.
KG: What are you talking about?
RODNEY: K, you're never going to stop being paranoid if you don't loosen up. I brought some weed to take the edge off, but maybe we could do it together.
KG: Are you crazy? I don't smoke. It kills your brain cells, man, it kills your brain cells!
RODNEY: And sitting around watching the news 24/7 is so much better?
KG: Yes. Because when you're destroying your brain cells, you're doing the same thing as killing yourself, you're just doing it slower. Now, I say if you want to kill yourself, don't f*** around with it and go on and do it expeditiously!
RODNEY: It's probably for the best that Angela doesn't see any of this.
KG: Man, f*** Angela. F*** Angela.
Rodney punches KG in the face, knocking him out cold.
RODNEY: He needed that.
Rodney changes the channel and the theme music to "Full House" starts playing.
SCENE 11
Mrs. Peterson's Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade walk up to a random house.
KIDS: Trick or treat.
MRS. PETERSON: Oh, you boys are so cute. Here you go.
The woman gives the guys mini packs of Twizzlers.
RK: Twizzlers. You're...you're giving us Twizzlers?
MRS. PETERSON: Of course. What's wrong with them?
RK: Ma'am, if I have to explain to you-
WADE: Thank you very much. Happy Halloween.
MRS. PETERSON: You, too.
Mrs. Peterson closes the door and the guys begin to leave the house.
WADE: RK, you can't argue with someone who's giving us free stuff. Do you want it to be like last year?
RK: You didn't even know me last year!
WADE: Buster told me everything.
RK gives Buster an angry look.
BUSTER: Chuck E. Cheese doesn't lie to kids.
RK: Look, I'm trying to save us from mediocrity. This Halloween sucks. If we're accepting Twizzlers in our bags, we should pack it in now.
WADE: Okay, maybe our haul isn't what we expected, but we can't give up. The night's still young.
RK: Nah, we need to call an audible here. Sparky, I demand a change of scenery. Sparks?
Sparky is too busy texting.
RK (CONT.): Sparky, could you respond when someone talks to you? Where's your home training?
SPARKY: Oh, I, um...was playing Madden. Yeah, Russell Wilson just got sacked on third down.
RK: You're not even playing Madden. Your screen is out in the open.
SPARKY: Maybe your screen is out in the open.
RK: Sparky, do you even know what just happened?
SPARKY: That lady gave us gummy bears or something?
Beat.
RK: Give me your damn phone.
RK starts wrestling Sparky for his phone.
SPARKY: Hey, get off me, man! Get off me, bro!
RK: Give me the phone. Give me the damn phone or I'll bite you!
SPARKY: I'll tell your brother on you!
RK swipes Sparky's phone.
SPARKY (CONT.) : RK, stop!
RK looks at Sparky's phone and sees the conversation with Halley.
RK: It's Halley. You're going to hang out with her tonight and you didn't tell us?!
SPARKY: I was going to tell you...right after I came up with something you wouldn't question.
RK: Oh, I see what's going on here. You were just trick-or-treating with us until your little girlfriend told you to call it a night.
SPARKY: She's not my girlfriend.
RK: But you want her to be.
SPARKY: RK, you wouldn't understand. This is the closest I've ever been.
WADE: And you could have talked to us about it instead of hiding it like we're babies.
SPARKY: Please, I know you guys. It doesn't matter anyway now that the truth is out. I'm going to see her.
Sparky takes back his phone and begins to walk away from the guys.
BUSTER: Sparky, don't go. We still have more candy to take away from grown-ups.
RK: No, Buster, let him go. He has his priorities straight. Some girl that's never given him the time of day before is going to magically fall in love with him tonight. You have it in the bag, buddy.
SPARKY: Man, f*** you.
Sparky shakes his head and continues to walk away.
RK: Yeah. F*** me. Fake-ass LeBron James thinking he has a shot with Halley. Please.
WADE: Well, this Halloween is over and done with.
RK: No, it's not. We're going to prove to Sparky that we don't need him. We'll get so much candy tonight, factories are going to close down for weeks. You'll see.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG and Rodney are still on the couch.
KG: You know how close I was to getting a black eye? This is the moneymaker right here.
RODNEY: Why do you care? You're not going outside, you're not seeing people.
KG: Because I'm smart. Unlike you, I'm not going to be at the mercy of some psycho.
RODNEY: KG, are you planning on eating at IHOP any time soon?
KG: No.
RODNEY: And has the IHOP Killer been spotted anywhere but IHOP?
KG: It's alleged.
RODNEY: It's bullshit. This is your first Halloween party and you're wasting it.
KG: Look, even if I don't go to IHOP, who knows what will happen if I leave this house? I could get hit by a drunk driver jumping the curb.
RODNEY: A little weed and you won't even be thinking about that.
KG: Hell no. I told you, Rodney, I'm straight edge.
RODNEY: You've never said anything about being straight edge.
KG: I'm saying it now. I'm coming out of the drug-free closet.
RODNEY: Listen, K. I know you don't smoke weed. I know this. But I'm gonna get you high tonight. Because it's Halloween, you won't leave the house, and you have nothing to do.
Beat.
KG: Fine. I'll try it this one time and never again if it will make you happy.
RODNEY: As happy as I could ever be. Besides, if you're going to do drugs, do them around people who care.
(The instrumental to "Take Two and Pass" by Gang Starr plays in the background)
Rodney passes KG the blunt and he takes a puff. He starts to cough and passes it back to Rodney. As the guys go back and forth smoking the blunt, KG's eyes become redder and his anxiety gradually disappears.
KG: Man, my brother's gonna kill me when he finds out.
RODNEY: Don't worry about him. You're bigger than him, just smack him upside the head one time. He'll be like, "Mister, please" and leave you alone.
KG: You're right, man. This is my house, my place. I paid for it.
RODNEY: Really?
KG: I don't know. Look, dude, look at my hand. Check it out.
Rodney looks at KG's hand.
RODNEY: Dude, your hand is getting bigger. You're gonna be in trouble.
KG: I wish Angie could have seen my hands. Give her some trouble.
RODNEY: What kind of trouble?
KG: What? Rodney, I'm talking about Angela, man.
Beat.
RODNEY: Who the hell is Angela?
KG: Who cares?
KG and Rodney start laughing hysterically as the "Take Two and Pass" instrumental continues to play.
SCENE 13
Sparky pulls out his phone and begins to make a call. Halley picks up while she's with her friends at the park. Intercut between Sparky and Halley.
HALLEY: Sparky, where are you?
SPARKY: I got caught up with something. I'll be there soon.
HALLEY: Are you sure? It's getting late, maybe we can do this another time.
SPARKY: No, I'm coming. I'm punctual, I'm on time, I'm there to be on the clock.
HALLEY: But you're not punctual. That's why I'm thinking you shouldn't come.
SPARKY: I'll be punctual.
Beat.
HALLEY: Okay, you're punctual?
SPARKY: Cool. See you soon.
Sparky hangs up and Halley shakes her head.
KID: Halley, is that guy coming or not?
HALLEY: Yeah, he's coming. Whatever you do, go easy on him. He's not like us is all I'm going to say.
KID: What do you mean? He's with the slow kids?
HALLEY: I said everything I wanted to say.
SCENE 14
Chuck E. Cheese's
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
Buster, RK, and Wade are at the restaurant. Kids are running around in costumes fighting each other while their parents try to separate them, two boys keep throwing peanuts on the floor, and an employee slips on a slice of pizza and cracks his head on a table. Other employees run up to help him.
BUSTER: I hope he's not dead. That's going to ruin my plan.
RK: Hey Wade, I have a science question for you.
WADE: Really? I can't believe this, go ahead.
RK: Okay. You know about that TV show Robot and Monster?
Beat.
WADE: Yes?
RK: Alright, here it is. Is it possible for the robot and the monster to...you know...make a little loving? Biologically speaking, they just throw all the bacon on the table and get their freak on?
Beat.
WADE: Buster, why are we here? We should be trick-or-treating.
BUSTER: I need answers, man. I used to love this place. Now, they're just selling their soul for money. That piece of shit rat's not my Chuck.
A guy in a Chuck E. Cheese's costume walks up to them.
CEC EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's, where we invite everyone to say cheese is funner. What's your order?
BUSTER: That's not a word! It's never going to be a word! I don't care if you got the guy from Phineas and Ferb to do this, you're not taking this place from me!
RK: You tell him, Buster. Too white, too strong.
WADE: What?!
CEC EMPLOYEE: Listen, kid, I make $14 an hour, my brother has dialysis, I'm just doing what I need to survive. Ever since they told us we were rebranding, more kids come here. Did you eat here before all this happened?
BUSTER: Of course, I did. I had one of the best birthdays of my life here.
CEC EMPLOYEE: Which birthday was it?
BUSTER: Does it matter? I know you weren't working that day.
RK: Buster, I think this guy is trying to make you look like an idiot. You oughta teach him a lesson.
BUSTER: You think?
RK: Damn right. Give him a beat down.
CEC EMPLOYEE: Are you guys going to order something?
BUSTER: No. But I think you're trying to order something. Your death.
CEC EMPLOYEE: What?
RK: My boy's about to make you bleed, bitch.
WADE: No, he's not. Buster, don't listen to RK, he's just trying to egg you on.
BUSTER: I'm not an egg, Wade, I'm better than that. I'm an omelette.
Beat.
WADE: What f***ing planet do you live on?!
CEC EMPLOYEE: Look, I don't have time for this-
BUSTER: You don't have time for what?!
Buster tackles the Chuck E. Cheese's employee and begins to punch him repeatedly. RK runs towards them and joins in on the beating. Several security guards come in to separate Buster and RK from the employee, which prompts Wade to climb on the table and dive onto the security guards. Some older women come in and start assaulting the boys as their kids look on in horror. One of them grabs Wade by the neck.
WADE: Hey, release the ensemble, I bought this from the NBA Shop!
Wade gets pepper sprayed by security, along with RK and Buster. The security guards detain the boys and everyone cheers as the boys are led away.
RK: They don't care about us, guys! Michael Jackson warned us!
People start to throw pizza and candy at the boys, while the two boys from earlier join in with their peanuts.
SCENE 15
Regal Meridian 16
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
("One More Night" by Maroon 5 plays over the lobby's loudspeakers)
Halley and her friends are at the theater when Sparky runs in. He pants and bends down to fix his socks, which were pulled down.
SPARKY: I'm here, guys, I'm here. Right on time.
KID: We were supposed to see this movie an hour ago.
SPARKY: Oh, really? Well, we could always rent a movie. Get our own popcorn, go to Blockbuster.
KID #2: Blockbuster? Why wouldn't we just watch a movie on Netflix?
SPARKY: Because according to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video and streaming services - and won't for years to come - making DVD rental still the best movie-watching option.
Beat.
KID: Halley, I get it now.
HALLEY: Could you excuse us for a minute?
KID: Please take your time.
Halley pulls Sparky aside and looks directly at him.
HALLEY: Dude, what's going on with you?
SPARKY: Nothing. You look really nice, though.
HALLEY: Thanks, but that's not the point. You need to calm down, you're acting like you're about to give up winning your first championship.
SPARKY: I'll kill you.
HALLEY: What?!
SPARKY: Sorry, it's just a thing.
HALLEY: See, that's what I'm talking about. You have friends, right?
SPARKY: Of course.
HALLEY: You're around people every day, right? You know what it means to hang out with other kids?
SPARKY: Yes, I do.
HALLEY: So, what's the problem?
SPARKY: There's just a lot of pressure. It's Halloween, tension's in the air. I ditched my friends just to be here. So, maybe I'm a little-
HALLEY: Wait. You ditched your own friends to come here?
SPARKY: Yeah. We had trick-or-treating plans and I told them I wanted to be here.
HALLEY: Why would you do that?
SPARKY: Because you invited me. And this is the closest I've ever been.
HALLEY: To what?
SPARKY: To watching a movie on Halloween. Yup, that's it.
HALLEY: Sparky, I wouldn't have invited you if I knew you had other plans. You should have told me what was going on.
SPARKY: But I'm here now, so why does it matter?
HALLEY: Because I don't want to come between you and your friends. They probably think I'm stealing you away from them and that's going to put me in a bad spot if I'm around them.
SPARKY: Wow. I didn't even think about that.
HALLEY: I think you should go find your friends. We'll hang out another time, just you and me.
SPARKY: Really? But I wanted to get to know your friends more.
HALLEY: You wanted to get to know me more. That can wait.
Beat.
SPARKY: Okay, Halley. Another time. Happy Halloween.
HALLEY: Same to you.
SPARKY: You know, I just realized something.
HALLEY: What?
SPARKY: Part of your name is in the word Halloween, so if you wanted to, you could call it Hall-oween.
Beat.
HALLEY: Please go find your friends.
SPARKY: Sure.
Sparky leaves the multiplex as Halley shakes her head.
SCENE 16
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
That night, Buster, RK, and Wade are eating ice cream. Buster is busy putting some SweeTarts in his ice cream as a topping.
RK: I'm just saying, you see how big that monster is? He would be an animal if you put him in that setting.
WADE: Why are you still talking about this?
BUSTER: I'm just glad Chuck E. Cheese's isn't pressing charges. Maybe they're still cool after all.
WADE: So, does this mark the end of your crusade against them or are you still going to recoil in horror every time the commercials come on?
BUSTER: It depends on how I feel. Maybe I should get drunk just in case.
WADE: You're nine.
BUSTER: Nobody has to know that.
Sparky comes into the restaurant.
SPARKY: You guys feeling okay?
RK: What do you think? We barely got any candy, we almost went to jail for aggravated assault, and Wade still won't answer my science question.
SPARKY: Do I want to know everything he's talking about?
WADE: We'll explain that. How was your time with Halley?
SPARKY: Eh, you know, it was okay. But I wasn't happy because you guys weren't there. When the time came, I needed to make the right decision and that's when I realized I should be with my friends.
RK: In other words, she found out you ditched us and told you to go home?
SPARKY: You're just speculating, you can't prove that.
BUSTER: So, how did you find us?
SPARKY: What are you talking about? You texted me and said, "We're at Ike's if you're looking for us. Please come save us. Worst Halloween of all-time, kill me now."
BUSTER: I wasn't expecting you to read the text out loud in front of everyone.
SPARKY: Then don't ask me stupid questions.
WADE: It looks like things would have been better if we stuck together tonight.
RK: And it only took a genius to figure that out. Look, Sparko, I know I gave you a hard time about Halley, but I get it. She was your dream girl. Now, your dream is over.
SPARKY: No, the dream's still alive. We're going to hang out another time.
RK: Word? My man Sparky, you dog.
WADE: I'm glad somebody got treated tonight.
BUSTER: I know. Maybe if I dressed like the new Chuck, I would have scored some more candy.
WADE: I sincerely doubt that.
RK: Okay, guys, here it is. I didn't want it to come to this, but it's time for me to break the emergency glass.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
RK: Well, a couple weeks ago, I devised a plan to keep me from being empty-handed on Halloween. Just in case we couldn't haul anything in, I went to Walgreens and bought up as many treats as I could. Twix, Butterfingers, Jolly Ranchers, you name it. It's a monster stash, boys, and it's in my closet as we speak.
BUSTER: You bastard, you've been holding out on us?!
RK: I know. It was wrong. But it's time to make things right and save our last Halloween before Romney takes over.
Beat.
SPARKY: Why are we just here playing with our thumbs? Let's get that candy!
RK: Damn right!
The boys leave the booth and run out of the restaurant.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG and Rodney continue to watch TV and get high.
KG: See, Rod, this is what I was telling you. That kid Mike? He's training to be a knight, but he has to learn to be a good-ass knight. That's why I'm rooting for him. Be a knight, and do it right.
RODNEY: Wait, why does he sound like that? He sounds like Arthur.
KG: Nah, son, he sounds like D.W. The kid playing Mike? He's playing D.W. at the same time. My man's getting that cartoon paper.
*imitating Bootsy Collins* RODNEY: I can dig it, baby.
KG: Hey Rodney, you want to know something?
RODNEY: What?
KG: This Halloween was bullshit. But I'm glad I got to spend it with you.
RODNEY: That's beautiful, K. That's some real spit, homie. You know, you're like my friend, you know?
KG: Really? That's so sweet. I feel like...I feel like...special right now, you know? This weed gave us a very special moment together. Now, we're bonded for life through this stuff.
*imitating Nate Dogg* RODNEY: Smoke weed everyday!
KG: Okay. Let's see what's on the newsy news, huh?
RODNEY: No, I don't wanna see it. I thought you were done with the media.
KG: I am, I'm a changed man, kid. I just want to check out the weather and all that mess.
RODNEY: Cool.
Rodney snickers as KG changes the channel.
REPORTER (V.O.): In local news, the notorious IHOP Killer has finally been apprehended. Police spied on the murderer as he was making his rounds on Halloween night and arrested him merely seconds before he could claim his next victim. The local IHOP is offering a special deal to the victims' families, claiming that the discount is "to die for."
KG: Dude, did you hear that? They got him! They got him off the streets!
RODNEY: Hallelujah, in the name of our Lord and Savior!
("Get You Going" by Alvin and the Chipmunks plays in the background)
KG begins dancing to the song in celebration, and Rodney joins in seconds later. The boys walk in and see KG doing the Running Man while Rodney twerks. They look confused, disgusted, and ashamed.
BUSTER: Could someone take me home?
RK: Yeah, I'll bring the candy to school tomorrow.
RK shakes his head as he closes the door, leaving KG and Rodney to continue their dancing. Fade to black.
("Buffalo Bill" by Eminem plays over the end credits)
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