Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi

Moondust by Jaymes Young

2003

Illinois, U.S.

Leaving the hospital was one of the scariest things Rita had ever done. It made her fully aware that she had a newborn baby and no idea what the hell she was doing.

"Okay, Brendan," she said, going into her apartment and setting the carrier down on the floor while putting her keys on the counter. "We are officially home." Her little guy blinked up at her silently. She freed him and held him in her arms securely, feeling nervous about dropping him. "So, what do you think?" She moved so he could see their surroundings. He made a cooing sound, and she laughed softly. "You like it, huh? Well, good...cos we're gonna be here a while." She went to sit on the couch and looked down at him; he was already falling asleep again. Rita leaned her head back and took some breaths. She was doing this. She was a single mother. She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she jolted awake a bit later, she panicked and looked to see her baby still in her arms. Heart pounding over the thought of how she could have dropped him in her sleep, she did some deep breathing to calm herself.

"Come on," she said, getting up finally. "Let's get you down so I don't drop you." Brendan didn't stir as she carried him to his sleeping quarters in her room. There was a small room across the hall from hers that would eventually be his, but for now, he was in with her. She tried not to fret about SIDS, but all she could do was monitor him and be on guard. Once he was down and still asleep, she went to get something to eat and try not to lose her shit over doing this alone.

"How did you do it, Dad?" she murmured as she sat at the table, baby monitor by her elbow. She could see her room from where she sat regardless. "How did you do this by yourself?"

He didn't, of course. He'd had Lucy, Kenny, and Carol. Rita thought about Amelia, and she wondered if it was too soon to call her for advice or support. In the end, she didn't bother. She could do this. She could.

That knot in her stomach was still there, though, with the thought that Simon could find them. She went to check on Brendan first before going across the hall to the bathroom and opened the box of dye. She'd done her research and knew it was okay to do. She knew she could have done it after her second trimester, but she hadn't wanted to take any risks, so she'd made herself wait. Now, she went through the motions, and once it was dry, she looked at her blonde self in the mirror and almost didn't recognize herself. There. That would make it harder for Simon to find her. Feeling slightly better, she went to check on Brendan again. He was fussing a bit, so she picked him up and smiled down at him.

"I know. You almost didn't recognize me, huh?" she teased, stroking a finger across his cheek. "It's for our own safety, my love. I promise you, no one is going to hurt you on my watch." She moved to press her lips against his forehead, and he made a whimpery type of noise in return. After rocking him back to sleep, she set him down and released the breath she'd been holding. Then she forced herself to try and relax.

She spied the journal she'd bought a while ago, and she reached for it, opening it and snagging a pen from the nightstand next. She'd had an idea while in the hospital, and she wanted to start before she changed her mind. She settled on the bed, reclined against the headboard, and put the pen to paper, briefly hesitating, but then she began to write.

Oh, Luke. You should see the little person we made. He is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and it has hit me that it's up to me to look after him. Now, I know what you're going to say. You're gonna say that I can do it because I have that caregiving nature in me. Maybe I do, but right now, I'm scared shitless. More than anything, I wish you were here, but since you're not, I am going to tell you everything that happens in case one day you find this book. You deserve that much.

Rita paused, taking a breath. She couldn't write about Simon...she never wanted Brendan to find that out. She decided it would just strictly be about Brendan's life. That would be okay. She pressed down onto the page again.

I swear he has your eyes...

New York, U.S.

Luke ducked a fist, rolling back around to land a blow onto his opponent's exposed neck. The man cried and stumbled, and that's when Luke sunk the knife into his chest. He pulled it out quickly, and the man fell down gasping.

"Hurry up, will you?" Alex said, coming up behind him. Luke pulled out his gun and put the man out of his misery. He was barely breaking a sweat.

"Don't rush me," Luke retorted.

"We're on a bit of a timeline here."

"I am fully aware of that." He grabbed under the arms while Alex grabbed the ankles. They carried the now dead man to the body bag a few feet away that Alex had set down. Luke grunted and panted a bit (the man was heavy after all), and once he was down and wrapped up, he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and cracked his neck.

"I've got it this time," Alex offered.

"Thanks." Digging was the last thing Luke felt like doing.

"See you at work tomorrow."

Luke gave a nod, and he cleaned up any indicators that they'd been there. Then he went home. He looked at Wes's door on his way by, wondering where he was. He hadn't seen him in a while.

He took a shower, washing away any and all evidence of what he'd just done. Then he went to the bedroom to get dressed. Remi was watching from the bed.

"I love that you think I don't notice you on there...where you're not supposed to be, I'll add," he commented, and the cat m'rrowed in response a bit playfully. She tilted her head as well. He scoffed and shook his head, getting his jeans on and pulling a t-shirt over his head. He eyed the worn out copy of Watership Down on the nightstand, a tiny corner of the sonogram photo peeking out from the middle of it. That book had been lugged around with him for a long time, and he'd dug it out of the box of things he'd brought to New York because he'd suddenly just wanted to be close to his father. He stayed barefoot and went to lie on top of the covers on his bed. Remi instantly moved to sit on his stomach, and he let her. He reached for his book, pulling the photo out and holding it up to look at it while his other hand absently stroked her fur, making her purr loudly.

"What do you think?" he asked her. "Boy or girl?" Remi kneaded him slightly. "I don't know either." He was thoughtful as he looked at the picture. "I think I'd be terrible fathering a girl. Any boy would have to fight me to the death just to date her. Hell, I think I'd make her live at home until she was 30." Remi began licking her paw now, swiping it over her ear every so often.

"A boy would be hard at times too," Luke went on. "I don't know if you know this, but boys can be pretty thick sometimes."

Remi paused and gave him a stare, which made him laugh.

"So you do know," he commented, and she flicked her head and continued grooming herself. A small smile formed on his lips until he looked at the photo again, smoothing his thumb over it.

"Who are you?" he murmured. "Are you even still here? Are you even mine?" These questions still haunted him, and he had no idea if he'd ever get any answers. He sighed and put the photo back in his book.

"Well, cat, what do you want for supper?"

At the word "supper," Remi leaped off him and the bed and scuttled out the door to the kitchen. Luke groaned slightly as he got up again.

"I knew that's what you were hanging around for," he stated, catching up with her a moment later. "You never like to hang out with me that long otherwise. Can't fool me." Remi meowed again, sitting on the floor and staring up at him with her tail swishing slowly back and forth. He chuckled and got her supper ready, setting it on the floor in her dish a moment later.

"Don't judge," he said when she gave him a stink eye as he dialed the phone for takeout. He just didn't feel like cooking. He didn't really feel up to a lot of things. His place was looking more and more like a bomb hit it every day, and he knew he had to clean up. It just felt like it took a lot of effort that he did not have. He gathered someone would tell him he was depressed, and they'd be right.

He decided to sweep a bit while waiting for his food to arrive, and Remi let it be known she still wasn't a fan of the broom.

"Attacking it doesn't make it go away," he advised when she swiped and batted at it every time he swept it across the floor. He remembered Copper hated the broom, too, when he first saw it. Also the vacuum. Luke did his best to acquaint him with it, but the dog still caused a ruckus and hid every time either one came out. He really missed his dog; he wondered what the old boy would be up to now. He was on the farm with Kenny and Lucy, and he'd be almost nine years old now. While it was the best decision for Copper, Luke still got a lump in his throat every time he thought about him and wished he was there.

"Hey, hey," Luke said as Remi swatted at his ankles next. "Those are off limits, missy." She got her claws stuck in his pant leg, so he bent to scoop her up and dislodged her paw easily. She meowed and protested as he tried to hold her.

"I'm not really a fan of struggle snuggles," he commented, carrying her to where her cat stand was. "How about you stay over here and out of my way for now?" He set her down, and she glared at him before sticking her nose up and turning her butt to him. He flicked her tail in response, making her give an aggravated sound in return.

"Love you too," he retorted, going back to tidying up. Then his food came, and he sat at the table and ate it slowly. Things were just so bland now it seemed. Life was lacking color. He was lacking energy. There didn't seem to be a point to anything right now.

Later, he went out for a run, and he was grateful that he did not see Ronaye because he was just really not in the mood for that today.

Illinois, U.S.

"What are you doing?" Wes asked, eyeing up Rosie as she sat at the kitchen table in their small little apartment and stared at her cell phone in front of her. Her head was in her hands, slightly pulling on her hair.

"Waiting," she answered.

"For what?"

"What do you think?"

"Right," Wes sighed. "Rita to call you."

"I'm a terrible person," Rosie said now, looking at him. "Aren't I?"

"Getting close."

"What if this is the only chance I have to know her?" Rosie asked. "What if I did tell her, and she didn't want me in her life? I'd never get to know her."

"So lying to her is much better," Wes said sarcastically. She huffed.

"It's not an out and out lie," she tried.

"Rosie, put a lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig," he retorted.

"I really hate that saying," she growled.

"You hate it because it's right," he corrected. "You are lying to your daughter. End of story."

"You faked your death too!" she said loudly, and he scoffed.

"That's different. I did that to dodge people who wanted to kill me, and I didn't lie to my family about it."

"How is it different? I did it to save my family..."

"And when the threat was over, you did what, exactly?" he challenged. She scowled at him. "Right, right, you stayed dead. My threat is still viable, so I can't just waltz around announcing myself everywhere."

"Lance knew," she said, and he gave her a look.

"What?"

"Before he died...the day before he died, actually," she started, "I went to see him. I warned him about Colter. I wanted to help."

"Aw, Rosie..."

"He told me to find Rita if something happened to him," she whispered. "And I let him down because I just couldn't. I thought I was bad luck, better off not in her life."

"Yet, here you are," Wes reminded her.

"I know! What if something happens to her or the baby because of me?"

"Nothing will happen."

"You don't know that!"

"Calm down," he ordered, reaching to grab her shoulder and give her a bit of a shake. "You're getting vexed over nothing."

"If she calls, I won't answer," Rosie advised.

"Keep telling yourself that," Wes sighed, giving up. He went to pack his bag. He'd gone to see his great-nephew through the glass window at the hospital, and it warmed his heart to see such a little thing thrive and look so strong. It was time for him to get back to New York, though. He hadn't told Rosie about Abby, but things hadn't exactly worked out, and he was feeling a little heartbroken. He guessed he wasn't meant to have a family, and it hurt.

"Let me know if anything happens," Rosie said, and he nodded.

"Will do."

He gave her a hug before leaving, and Rosie wondered how Luke was doing. She imagined he was still struggling, and she felt bad. Here she was knowing where Rita was living and about his son and not telling him, but until she understood why Rita had left, she didn't want to do anything. Maybe there was something about Luke she didn't know. Rita had said the baby wouldn't be safe with him, and she had changed her name. That right there indicated something had happened, but what...Rosie had no idea.

She guessed she was just going to have to do some digging to figure it out.

A Month Later

Rita finally felt brave enough to head out with Brendan in public (grocery trips didn't count in her mind since she went to a small store and no one knew her there). She felt nervous as she looked around at people going by. Did they know Simon? Were they spying on her? Would they report back that she had a baby now? She felt on edge and tense by the time she reached the diner.

"Hey!" Brian exclaimed upon seeing her. "There you are! I was going to do a wellness check, but then I realized I didn't know where you lived. Mom said I was nuts to worry, but I mean, you were here almost every day so..." He paused for a second. "Anyway, good to see you! And look at this handsome fellow!"

Rita felt slightly overwhelmed by the barrage of words Brian just threw at her, but she blinked and smiled. "This is Brendan."

"It suits him," Brian said, peering down and making faces at her son. "I bet he's gonna be a real charmer."

Rita made a nonverbal sound in response as she watched Brendan gurgle and smile at Brian.

"Sorry," Brian apologized after a moment. He stood up straight again and looked at her. "Babies just suck me in. I get lost for hours playing with them."

"It's okay."

"The usual?"

"Yes, please."

"Coming right up." He went off with a slight bounce in his step. Rita got the carrier next to her in the booth and smiled at her little boy, reaching to let him grab her finger. He was a month old now and doing well. The doctors were happy; Rita was happy. Everything was good.

She just wished she could stop feeling so scared that Simon was going to find them.

"Here we go!" Brian said brightly next to her elbow and making her almost leap from her seat in fright.

"Th-thank you," she managed to say, her heart bouncing around erratically from her fight or flight being triggered.

"You're welcome. So how's it going with the lessons?" He slid so casually into the seat across from her, giving her an expectant look. She gave him an incredulous one back, and he burst out laughing. "I'm kidding! I know you've been a bit preoccupied lately."

"A bit?" she asked sarcastically.

"A lot," he answered. "I know. So how are you doing with all that?"

"I'm okay."

"Where is the father again?" Brian asked, lifting a brow curiously.

"He's away."

"Ah."

"Why do you say it like that?" she challenged.

"It's just, uh, what father isn't here when his son is born, you know? I guess I don't understand."

"He has the kind of job where he can't just exactly up and leave," she said flatly.

"Oh. Okay. Well...I hope he comes back soon," Brian countered, looking uncomfortable suddenly. He patted the table lightly. "I should get back to work."

"Okay."

"Like your new 'do, by the way," he added, gesturing to her hair. She touched it absently, murmuring a thanks. She chewed on her lip as he walked away. She saw his mother signing to him in her peripheral, and she wondered what she was saying. It was probably along the lines of "Don't go near her, she's bad news." Or something like that. Well, she wasn't wrong. Rita was, in a way, bad news. She seemed to have this curse where people in her life got hurt or killed, and she wasn't going to share that curse with him or his family.

Brendan made noises and kicked his feet playfully as she hurried to finish. She wasn't sure why she'd come back here other than the fact she needed a fake Luke fix. She felt like she was forgetting what he looked like, and it was hard to conjure up his face sometimes. She had photos, which she looked at often. Then sometimes she couldn't look at them because it hurt too much.

Feeling awkward now, she left cash on the table for everything and got up, lifting Brendan up in his carrier next. She walked out of there with her head down and went down the sidewalk a bit before hearing someone calling out.

"Rose! Wait!"

She remembered that was her name, and she turned to see Brian catching up to her. She waited as he caught his breath and rested his hands on his hips.

"Hey," he said. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For sounding judgy about the father not being around. I don't know your story, so I can't judge. I just didn't want it to be weird between us."

"Thanks...I guess?" Rita didn't know what to say.

"If you ever need me or any of us," he said now, holding out a piece of paper. "Don't hesitate to call."

"Um, okay. Thank you." She took the paper because he looked so earnest and she didn't want to be rude.

"Jo has some really good baby tips if you ever need them, and I...well, I'm up for saving you a night of cooking or...or something."

Rita stared at him. What was he doing? "I'm still with the father, in case I didn't say so before."

"Oh. Um, you didn't," Brian said, going red in the face. "I assumed...well, I was wrong." He laughed nervously. "Uh, don't worry about it. Me, I mean. Jo is always up for chatting. Anyway, I'm sorry to bother you."

"You're not bothering me," Rita said. She was lying about still being with Luke, but she wasn't up for some guy hitting on her or asking her out. She just wasn't...even if he did look almost exactly like the man she sorely wanted every single day.

"Well, that's good." He laughed. "Um, I'll let you go then. See you around."

"See you." She lifted a hand back at him when he waved, and he turned around to walk back to the diner. Rita felt strange as she carried on her way, but she let it go. Instead, she smiled down at her baby boy and tried hard not to feel the sadness clawing its way up her chest and throat once more.

...

My love,

Brendan really turns heads. I have never had so many random strangers come up to me in my life, and honestly, it makes me feel so awkward. I guess they're just being nice, and I should be flattered they care, but sometimes I just wanna go to the damn grocery store without being interrupted every five minutes. I smile so much my face hurts, and it's not really a genuine smile most of the time. I guess I'm just struggling, and I feel bad...no, this journal is not about that. It's about Brendan. It's about you knowing Brendan's life.

So...our son freely expels all liquids out of both ends, not caring if he was just changed or I just put on clean clothes or am freshly showered. He has strong hands; whenever he catches my finger it feels like one of those finger trap things, but I love it. I'm thankful he is not colic. Jody told me enough horror stories about her daughter being colic to freak me out. Maybe it's still something that could happen, but I'm holding onto hope that it won't.

I keep thinking about my father. I realize he figured all of this stuff out by himself, minus the help he got from Carol, Kenny, and Lucy. I really wish he was here right now. I wish things were different.

Sorry, I keep trying to go there, don't I? Maybe one day we'll get the chance to talk. Maybe one day things will make sense.

Yours,

R

New York, U.S.

His fists were starting to hurt as he kept pounding on the bag. Luke was giving it his all, very much aware that some people were starting to watch him the more violent he got. What was triggering it was memories of his life, which were bringing up emotions he had and hadn't dealt with. The memories rolled by like a film, and it ended with his last image of Rita—her face turned to look over her shoulder as she walked into the airport terminal and revealing her sadness about them separating again while trying to hide it behind a small smile.

He let out a yell and gave one final punch followed by a drop kick, and then he caught the bag and pressed his forehead against it, breathing hard and fast, his eyes closed. Sweat trickled down his back, face, and arms. He finally took a step back and noticed everyone else had slowly gone back to what they were doing except for one guy, who was watching Luke intently. Ignoring him, Luke went to towel off and guzzle water.

"You're a natural," a voice said, and he turned to see the guy standing there.

"Not really," Luke answered. The guy laughed.

"Well, if you're ever interested in cage fights, let me know." He held out a card, and Luke was going to refuse but then figured it was just easier to take it and save an argument. The name on the card read Julius Barkow.

"Thanks."

The guy bobbed his head and meandered over to someone else. Luke stuffed the card into his pocket and grabbed his bag. He headed out onto the street and kept his head down. He liked to blend in, be invisible. He didn't like much attention put on him.

By the time he got home, he was tired. He'd worked a long shift before going to hit the bag. Now, he barely had energy to make something to eat, but he forced himself to. He couldn't live off of fast food forever, no matter how good Toscanni's was.

"Hey, girl," he said as Remi rushed to rub against his shins fondly once he was inside. He went through the motions of feeding her, feeding himself, having a shower, sitting down and watching TV, and then going to bed. He lay there alone, aching for the sound of a sigh, a foot sliding against the sheet, or soft throat noises that indicated Rita was next to him. His hand went to her spot out of reflex, and he imagined her there. He imagined her lying on her side and smiling at him. He imagined her touching his face, kissing his lips, and pressing against him. He let himself get lost in this daydream until he finally fell asleep—the ache in his heart still there and always going to be.

Illinois, U.S.

Even though Rosie had been waiting for it, she was still surprised when the call came.

"Hi, it's...Rose," her daughter said. "From the hospital?" Rosie knew she'd just caught herself before saying her real name, and she felt bad all over again that her daughter was frightened enough to be hiding this way.

"Hi!" Rosie said brightly. "I've been thinking of you. How are things going?"

"Good," Rita answered. "I mean, I'm terrified 24/7 about so many different things. Is that normal?"

"Very."

"Okay." Rita sounded relieved. "Does it ever go away?"

"Not really."

"Oh."

"Sorry, luv," Rosie said with a laugh. "I'm just being honest."

"You have kids then?"

"Just one. We've been out of touch lately, though, but I hope to rectify that one day." Rosie felt her heart beat a bit faster at her half truth.

"I've always wanted a mother," Rita said wistfully, and it hurt Rosie that much more to know she was being an absolute jerk right now.

"I remember you said she'd died."

"Yes. I spent hours imagining her and what she'd be like. Now, I'm wondering how the hell my father raised me by himself until my aunt came along. I mean, the neighbors helped out, but my aunt is the one who saved him."

Rosie squirmed inside at this. Even though she understood why Lance and Carol got married, it still kind of felt weird and aggravating to think about at times.

"So what made you reach out?" she asked, changing the subject.

"I guess I just wanted to know I'm doing okay," Rita answered.

"You're doing amazing, luv," Rosie confirmed, smiling. "One day at a time."

"Thanks. I should go, though. He's woken up and fussing a bit."

"Alright. I'm here any time."

"Thank you."

Rosie held her phone against her face after the call ended, and she seriously wondered what the hell she was doing right now.

...

Dearest Luke,

I keep wondering what Brendan's life would be like if we were still on the farm. I imagine he'd be curious. I can picture him tottering around with the chickens and goats and getting into things he shouldn't. If we had another horse, I imagine he'd love it to death. I can see Lucy and Kenny experiencing joy at his wondering and excitement. I haven't told them about our son. I don't know if I will. Time will tell on that one.

I miss Remi. I hope she's okay. I hope she's not causing too much trouble. I feel the same ache inside when I think about Copper, but I know he's better off at the farm. Remember his "talking?" He got quite vocal at times, didn't he? My favorite was when he muttered after being told enough was enough.

You know, it marvels me how tiny our son's fingers are. I mean, they're miniscule! It's hard to believe we all start out that way. I am waiting for him to smile and laugh. I can't wait to hear his laugh. I hope it sounds like yours. He looks a lot like you. I know I probably keep saying that, but it's true.

I really do still love you, Luke. So much it hurts.

Yours,

R

...

Rita felt that burn in her throat as she climbed into bed. She knew she was never going to stop loving Luke. It wasn't like she trusted anyone to want to be in a relationship anyway, but she knew her heart belonged to Luke.

Brendan was sleeping, and she listened to his breathing next to her in his bassinet. She was terrified of SIDS. She was terrified of everything and anything going wrong that would kill him. She felt this tremendous weight of responsibility that was with her all the time. This little baby was hers to raise and guide and teach. Everything she did or said mattered very much.

And Luke was missing it all.

Tears trickled down her cheeks as she thought about how hurt he'd be if he ever found out he had a son. She did that to him, and she felt so much guilt over it. She bit down on her fist, letting herself cry because she couldn't fight it any more. She ran her fingers up and down the chain he'd given her, trying to calm down.

Eventually, she fell asleep with her fingers curled around her wedding ring.

If anyone is still reading this, thank you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the chapter :) Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Season's Greetings!