II - PLANS FOR THE FUTURE
~O~
As for the future,
your task is not to foresee it,
but to enable it.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
~O~
"What if I told you that I've already created two Horcruxes?"
He said it before he could think about whether it was a good idea. And he didn't care. For so long he had wanted to say it, he had wanted to tell someone how far he had come. Where his so-called friends thought his plans were just theoretical considerations, he had already taken action. Made the necessary preparations. Safeguards.
But he had never been able to tell anyone. He had never been able to tell anyone about the murder of Myrtle or of his father. His fingers had itched to silence Lestrange. To prove to him that no one but himself would be able to change the wizarding world. Or to tell Malfoy, to show him that the loyalty of the Malfoy family should always be his, because he would be there forever.
He had kept silent, had done what was logical. Rational. Cautious. But here and now, with Hermione beneath him, talking so unreservedly about being interested in Horcruxes - interested in murder - he could no longer remain silent.
He pressed a kiss to her neck when she didn't answer him. "Two Horcruxes. Two murders," he murmured to her as his hand slowly removed the annoying fabric.
"Two times splitting your soul," Hermione whispered back.
He paused. That was what she was focussing on? His soul, not the murders? He gazed into her eyes, looking up at him so openly and unabashedly. "Are you worried?"
Infinitely slowly, she raised both hands and put them around his face. Tom felt all his muscles tense up. The gesture was so tender that it sent goose bumps down his spine. It took all his self-control not to slap her hands away and pin them above Hermione's head on the mattress. He wanted to hear her answer, even if her tenderness was nauseating.
"Of course I'm worried about you, Tom." Her voice sounded surprisingly firm for the fact that he could still read the lust in her face. "Just like you worry about me."
Her answer was as direct as her look. He heard how seriously she meant her words. He saw how honest her gaze was. And yet he couldn't shake this feeling. This unease that seemed to grip his whole body. He had to do something to get rid of it.
"My heart." Now he did take hold of her wrists and forced them above her head. "Let's talk about this later. Right now, we both have other things on our minds, don't you think?"
Hermione just nodded. She saw in his look that Tom didn't like how tender she had suddenly been with him. She wanted to reward him for apologising to her - whether he had done it for the right reasons or not. But she had obviously underestimated how overwhelmed Tom still was when it came to real feelings.
With a smile, she conceded defeat. "Whatever you want, Tom."
Laughing softly, Tom grabbed her by the waist and turned her round before lowering himself onto her with all his weight. A long moan escaped her as she felt how hard he was. The way his full weight pressed her into the mattress and the hot kisses he spread over her neck sent shiver after shiver down her spine.
One hand wandered between their bodies, over her bum, and purposefully between her legs. She stretched greedily towards him, spreading her legs to give him easier access. She pushed all her thoughts of what Tom had just more or less confessed to her aside and focussed entirely on his fingers, which penetrated her without hesitation. In time with his hand, Tom rubbed his hips against her, increasing her pleasure without bringing her any closer to release.
"You're enjoying this, eh?"
Tom's softly murmured words made her stop. Before she realised what was happening, images from the recent past came rushing back to her. Lestrange pinning her to the ground with his weight. How he whispered to her that all she had to do was relax and enjoy it. How he tried to hide his violence behind false, poisonous gentleness.
Her body seemed to freeze as the images in her mind's eye became more and more vivid. As though she lost control of her muscles, she couldn't move an inch. Her own frantic heartbeat was pounding in her ears, while at the same time she felt like she couldn't breathe.
Suddenly she realised that Tom was no longer lying on top of her. Instead, she felt his hands on her back as he turned her round and pulled her up into his arms. He only held her loosely as he stroked her back again and again. She still couldn't move, but she could feel the tension slowly easing. Her mind slowly cleared and she found her way back to the here and now.
Tom's hand came to rest on her cheek. She blinked several times to clear her vision, then looked at him. "Tom... thank you."
He smiled tensely. "Are you back here, my heart?"
She finally had the strength to wrap her arms around him and return the hug. She could still feel her heart pounding throughout her body, but her breathing slowly calmed down. Tears welled up inside her, but she swallowed them down. "I'm sorry, Tom. Your words ... they were so similar to what ... what Lestrange said to me."
He moved a little away from her so that she could look him in the eye again. "Just one word from you, Hermione, and I'll kill him. Tell me that's what you want and I'll do it. Tell me what you need to feel safe again and I'll do it."
She could see in his eyes how serious he was. Ice-cold determination was written into his every move, from the grimly twisted corners of his mouth to his flaming eyes. She understood why he was saying these things, but it was a far cry from what she really wanted. Shaking her head, she placed a hand on his cheek. "I don't want you to kill anyone for me, Tom. If anything, I'd want to do it myself. But that's not the point. Even if he was dead, it wouldn't ... undo what happened."
His eyebrows drew together menacingly. "Then tell me what I can do. There must be something I can do."
Anger rose in Hermione, causing her to pull out of his arms to gain distance. "Sometimes there's nothing you can do, Tom. Stop making this about you. It's my problem, okay? This isn't about you."
She briefly thought he was about to retort, but then he slumped his shoulders and just shook his head. "Of course it's about you, my heart. I just want to know how I can help you."
Tired, Hermione ran both hands over her face. She wasn't feeling well, not well at all. Much worse than she normally realised. She had thought that she could just carry on like this, but she had to face the reality that this was not the case. That she could be assaulted by memories just like that, without warning. Of course it was hard for Tom too, but this wasn't about him.
"Just be your usual self," she finally explained. "I can't tell you what would help or hinder me. I don't know myself. So let's just carry on as before and react when something happens. Like now."
For a moment, Tom just stared at her blankly. Then, as if it was difficult for him, he replied haltingly: "What if I don't react?"
Hermione stiffened involuntarily. Did she suspect Tom would ignore her condition and carry on when she was trapped in memories again? A few months ago, the answer would have been a resounding yes, but today she felt the opposite. Tom would protect her wherever he could, of that she was sure. As long as she was loyal to him, she could trust him.
Which was a tricky game.
But she no longer had any reason not to be loyal to him. At least here, in 1945. It would be different in the future, where she would do the opposite, but here, trapped in the past, she would not leave his side.
"I trust that you will always look after me, Tom." She put more confidence into her words than she really felt, yet they were sincere. She wanted to trust and had no other choice.
He shook his head again. "What if I can't, even if I want to? What if I don't realise?"
"You've always noticed how I feel. Even when I'd rather you didn't notice. You have more control than you think."
"Do you really believe that?" His voice sounded strangely emotionless when he said it, and his gaze was fixed on the mattress between them. "I meant it when I talked about the Horcruxes. Two murders, two times splitting my soul. Don't you think that makes me unstable? Take away my ability to stay in control?"
She was briefly tempted to reply, but something held Hermione back. She was still annoyed. And she still felt a tension in her body that was uncomfortable. She didn't want to talk about Tom. Not now, when she was feeling so bad. She wanted him to take care of her. He probably didn't even see that he had just turned his attention back on himself. He probably thought he was being particularly attentive and empathetic when he talked to her about his control issues, which could also affect her. And that was exactly what made her angry. He wasn't able to really respond to her.
"Tom," she said emphatically as she forced him to look her in the eye. "I don't want to talk about this now. I want you to take care of me. I want to relax and forget about what happened. We can talk about your Horcruxes when I'm fully here."
Silence struck her as Tom looked away from her and clenched his hands into fists. Hermione's shoulders slumped. Was that really too much to ask of him?
But then, just as she was about to leave, Tom finally came to life. "You're right, Hermione. Today is supposed to be about you. What do you think about a hot shower? You're welcome to use my shower, and in the meantime, I'll instruct the house elves to serve us tea."
That sounded very much like something she might like right now. Hermione had to stifle a grin as she realised that, despite his difficult personality, Tom knew exactly what could relax another person. There was just one catch. With a small smile, she moved closer to him. "I don't think I'd like to be alone right now. Would you like to come with me, in the shower?"
Tom raised an eyebrow. "Shower together? I can't help thinking about control again. Or my lack of control."
Hermione raised her index finger sternly, even though she had to grin inwardly. "I want you to look after me and be caring, not pushy. If you can't do that, Tom, I'll kick you out of the shower."
He leant forward and gave her a little kiss on her finger. "I understood you perfectly well, Miss Dumbledore. It will be an honour to serve you."
Giggling, she let herself be pulled off the bed and followed him to his private bathroom, where an amazingly large shower awaited her. Even now she felt the tension that made her every step heavy, as if she were walking on uneven ground, but slowly warmth returned to her. She had managed to put her needs above Tom's and he had accepted it. That felt good. She would take his words seriously and get what she needed to feel like herself again.