"So… Guess aliens are real," I concluded, watching the Doctor read the output of a scan he had taken with some weird device. We were back in the med bay to see if the previous tests of his had yielded anything useful.

The Doctor chuckled and pushed his glasses up. He didn't look my way. "Thought you'd like the place. There was no better way to convince you."

I hummed. It was true. And it was strange how calm I felt about it all. Normally this would have freaked me out, in the best way possible. And maybe also in a few not so good ones. Now though, my feelings were calm, even. The panic had gone too, now that I could settle somewhat. There still remained a tiny possibility that they had abducted me or whatever, the Master's story seemed more legit. Something weird had happened during the life force transfer and now I lacked a big chunk of my memory; not more and not less unlikely as any other scenario.

"Try again," said the Doctor and attached a metal pin to my temple, a cold one. "What is the last memory you can access before waking up? I know it's uncomfortable, but please, try."

"'kay…" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying not to focus on anything specific.

Behind my eyes stretched a field of blackness, only broken by more, darker shapes. I could make out sounds and colours, scenes from days long gone by. My life had been too unsteady and too uniform at the same time. One day went by like the other, special occasions a rarity. There was my thirtieth birthday that not a single person had remembered until late in the evening when I had decided to drop a hint in a chat room. There were endless days of just wandering around, killing time. An afternoon with some acquaintances, sitting in the sun with a cool beer, chatting about everything and nothing.

I described it in a few details to the Doctor and he nodded, encouraging me to search further.

Someone had taken me on a hiking trip. An unexpected path led us to a part of the trail where it got obvious that the only way further was up. It wasn't too difficult and we didn't need ropes to climb. But for me it was exciting and when we stood at the top, marked by an iron cross, I felt like the whole world lay below me.

But that reached further back. I wanted to know about what lay closer. And again, each time my mind wandered to a place that could be anywhere near to when all of this had started, my head hurt all of a sudden. I couldn't get past it, everything started to shake and turn and I only realised that I was about to collapse when the Doctor caught my shoulders.

"It's alright. Don't stress yourself too much."

"Feels like I fall into a hole whenever I try, I groaned and leaned against his hands for support. And maybe also for comfort. "This's all so weird."

"I can imagine." The Doctor leaned down to give me a smile. "Want a hug? I'm a great hugger!"

I laughed and nodded. "Yeah. Please."

The Doctor beamed like a puppy and flung his long arms around me, squeezing me tight and long. I sighed into his shoulder and held on just as firm. Nothing about him alerted my instincts and so I simply enjoyed the gesture. He smelled like warm sunshine and also felt that way, a warm source of light that slowly seeped into me, a comfort I couldn't remember ever having before. And yet…

"That was thirty seconds," announced the Doctor proudly when he stepped back. "Humans need at least twenty to release oxytocin. That's the stuff that makes you feel good."

I chuckled. "Thanks. I really needed that." And, after a pause, I also asked, "and the tests? Did you get any results?"

Instantly, the Doctor's expression dropped. He pursed his lips and shook his head, looking like someone had just stolen his favourite toy. It almost made me grin and also wonder how a person could be so old and yet so childish. And then I wondered how I might know that he was old. Several centuries. And I told him so.

"Nine hundred years!" The smile sprang back on his face. "Well, give or take some. Gets a bit hard to keep track."

"Guess so."

"But great! You do remember things! Maybe it's just details, but that's great anyway. Not all is lost. And those snippets are probably the best proof that this was and is all real."

"It's a bit much, all of it," I muttered. "You can't blame me for doubting it."

The Doctor shook his head. "No, 'cause not. I understand. But we'll fix it, promise."

.

It wasn't that easy. Each day that passed from then on made me feel like an intruder into everyone's lives. They all knew another, they all had history they shared. There were adventures and people they've met and befriended. There were stories and fascinating sights and everything was tied together.

The only loose end was I.

This felt the same as all the other times I had tried to be with other people. The countless hours sitting together with so-called friends, enjoying the sun and cool drinks, chatting away about everything and nothing, taking a peek into their oh so normal lives. And I could not understand. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. Their worries and ambitions made no sense to me. What everyone valued and treasured and strived for was, for me, nothing to be bothered about. Why waste so much time and energy on things you will lose anyway? On people who will leave you behind in the end.

For the most part I kept quiet. Donna was good at getting me out of that bubble, but even her efforts couldn't quite cheer me up.

The Doctor wanted to take me on adventures, but after hearing the stories of previous ones I plainly refused. I had no desire to throw myself into danger and even less to do it for people I barely knew.

I didn't tell them the last part. They wouldn't understand. People never do. They only ever expect. And when it comes to them to help, they vanish. It was a rule I had to learn the hard way and from the very beginning of my life.

Dont care. Don't bind yourself to anyone. Don't get attached to anything.

After the third day I hid in the library.

I had been glaring at the black mark on my chest way too long again. And what better way to find distraction than books? On top of that, the library also proved to be quite special. Like many things in the TARDIS, it used a low telepathic field and it guided me subtly to the books I had been looking for.

None of them helped. Or rather, I didn't have the patience, nor the focus to read through them. And the TARDIS only gave me an amused mental nudge when I suggested she could just upload the information into my brain. It left me with the only remaining option, reading the summary and thumbing through glossaries and table of contents to see if anything piqued my interest.

"You're not going to learn anything here that will bring back those lost memories."

I hurled around, almost letting my current book fall. The Master stood leaned against a shelf, ankles and arms crossed. Anyone else might have seen it as a posture of relaxation, but he couldn't hide the weird energy he practically radiated. I was pretty sure one didn't need to have my stupid empathic abilities to feel a shiver run up their spines at that. He eyed me curiously, a cat observing its prey. Every single one of my movements seemed to be under scrutiny.

Unnerving.

"Been reading through other stuff before." My fingertips wandered over bound spines, feeling gold and silver letters, sometimes none at all. The book in my hands found its old spot between its equals. "'Bout… people."

"Psychology?" The Master scoffed "Thought you'd have enough of it already. You don't need to appear human enough amongst aliens." And a grin spread on his face that wanted to be malicious, mocking, yet failed to do both.

Probably.

For me at least. But what does that mean anyway, when you're bad at reading faces. He knew. That this was an interest of mine. Someone had told him, maybe myself.

"I read about Donna 'n the Doctor." A pause. "And about you."

The Master's eyes narrowed, the grin vanished. Instead, he chuckled and looked away. "I'll tell you one thing about your past." The carpet seemed to be extraordinarily interesting all of a sudden. He wouldn't look at me. "You never read up on anything regarding Time Lords, before. It surprised me a little, honestly. I had to tell you the simplest details."

"Maybe there were more interesting things, then," I mumbled. There must have been a lot going on that I hadn't even thought about research. Now though…

"Well, fill me in." His voice dropped to something that was almost a growl and now he did lift his eyes, meeting mine with a scrutinising stare. "Who am I? How am I?"

A trick question. Or an honest one? He had to know what the archives held about him. I managed to hold his gaze for a few seconds and it burned me. Somewhere deep inside, a knife twisting. "You're as calculated as compulsive," I started, keeping my voice low and my look down. "You don't care about anything or anyone… not even yourself. I read that you destroyed big chunks of galaxies, burned down planets and cities just for the fun of it. And you enslaved all of earth for an entire year just to piss off the Doctor."

So many lives had been lost because of him. Numbers that were supposed to make me shiver, but were too big to comprehend properly.

"Does that scare you?" The Master pushed himself away from the bookshelf and towered over me, his eyes burning with malicious amusement.

All those lives. All those planets.

Numbers.

Without any meaning. I stared up at him, searching for anything within me that should happen. Disgust, anger and, yes, fear also.

"I… should be, shouldn't I?" An honest question. Silently I pleaded with him to give me an answer. An answer as to why I was not scared at all. "But there's just nothing. You don't frighten me."

"Well, one can hope." The Master chuckled. "But I guess some things will never change."

Something about him… softened. A sharp edge melted away, leaving nothing of the Master's radiating flaming danger behind. The change startled me. It was such a difference to before. Only when he took a step towards me did my stupor crack and I stumbled backwards, hitting a shelf.

"I told ya not to touch me," I hissed. "I mean it. I'll kick 'n bite 'n scream."

The Master stopped dead in his tracks and squinted his eyes shut. His hands clenched to fists. "I won't." A deep sigh escaped him and suddenly there was nothing threatening about him anymore. All that was left was deep sadness and then a crooked smile, a mask to hide it. "I just like to mess with you sometimes. You know, old habits die hard."

"Like hurtin' everyone you cross paths with?" I took another step back. "I've had enough bullies in my life. Don't need another one."

It wasn't fear, no. It was worse than that. From what I had gathered he was everything that represented misery in my life. People who hurt you only because they are stronger or just because they can. People who play games with you just to see you suffer and push you into shrubs or holes as soon as you get boring.

"Like that, indeed." He replied with almost a whisper. A fact admitted. "It's not all I am, though. Believe it or not or…" And there his eyes lit up. "Let me prove it."

"How?"

"You can see into my mind."

I tilted my head, uncertain if he was messing with me.

"Touch telepathy."

Something stirred in my memory. It sounded familiar. Or maybe I only knew about it from books. It sounded intimate, too much for my current taste and too much like allowing someone into places they had no business being in. Especially not since I had no clue how we stood with each other. It could be a trap to break my mind. It could be something even worse I couldn't even imagine.

It played exactly into the pattern all the I formation had revealed about the Master. He loved to play a role to lure his victims into false safety, so he could then sacrifice them for whatever his current plan was.

"No. Get lost. I'm not falling for any of it. Just because my memory is gone doesn't mean I'm stupid. Hurt someone else with your sick games."

The Master just stood there, watching me. And maybe, if I had been a little less on edge and a little less sensitive in that moment, I would have seen how much he was hurt. Later, when I had been a little more at ease, the picture of his devastated face appeared again and made me reconsider.

But not then.

Seconds ticked by. The Master swallowed and blinked a few times before abruptly turning away. "Good," he muttered. "You're smarter now than the first time around."

Only that and nothing else.

He left and I stayed alone with my thoughts. For the rest of the day I didn't speak much. Not when Donna chatted about a movie she wanted to see, not when the Doctor did more tests and told me, none of the results so far showed anything unusual or related to the void matter; barely a word left my mouth when we had dinner in a place that served three headed fish and also not when I vanished into my room for the night.

For a long while after that I lay in bed and glared at the glowing fake stars on my ceiling, contemplating how I could apologise for being so harsh. Maybe Donna would help me to bake some fresh waffles, maybe the Doctor would have a better idea.

Maybe…

So many maybes…

In the end I drifted into a restless slumber.

The next morning the Master was gone.