Baba the Great and Powerful!
In sharp contrast to a large facility in the middle of the mountains, Uranai Baba's palace was a large facility in the middle of the desert. Or at least on an oasis. There were two large buildings with a fighting platform between them connected by bridges. To everyone's surprise, there was a line in front of the first building. Everyone but Roshi, of course.
"She's always got a line," he explained. "People come from all over the world to have their fortunes told. I suppose we'll just wait our–"
"Yeah, no," Launch declared as she pulled two uzis, as usual, from nowhere. "That shit ain't happenin'." She fired at the line with her bullets whizzing less than an inch over the heads of the tallest people. "Outta the way, I got shit to do!" she roared at those in line as they ran screaming. In a few moments, they were alone. "See? That wasn't so hard." As they walked to the building, a tiny pink ghost floated out of the door. It wore a green hat and had a round body with a tapered off little tail and big white teeth.
"Greetings!" the ghost said cheerfully as it waved its little pink nubs. Goku grinned and eagerly waved back. "The great Uranai Baba will see you in a moment!" Then it floated away again. They waited for what seemed like an awkward amount of time.
"Maybe she's waiting for us?" Krillin thought aloud as he started to walk towards the building. Roshi reached out and yanked on Krillin's collar to pull him back as an enormous wall of fire flew up before them and a nightmarish face was cast in the shadows of the flames.
"Who dares to trifle with the great Uranai Baba?!" it bellowed in an unnaturally deep voice. Everyone, with the exception of Roshi, took several steps back as the flames jumped even higher. "What great folly possessed you to seek out the all-seeing crone, at the cost of your very sooooouls?!" Roshi pulled down his glasses to roll his eyes. "Within these walls awaits you a horror beyo–" the voice suddenly stopped and the demonic face blinked and stared down at Roshi. "Oh," it said in a much more normal, if disappointed, voice. "It's you." The flames instantly dissipated and behind them stood the tiniest woman Goku had ever seen. Well, she wasn't really standing. She was sitting on a floating crystal ball and floated out to meet them. She was a little old woman in a witch's outfit with pink hair sticking out from underneath her pointed hat. "And just what is so important that my brother, the great Muten Roshi, got off his beach chair to finally come and see me?" she asked in a voice drenched in sarcasm. Roshi forced a smile and held out his arms as if for a hug.
"It's good to see you, sis–" he began to say before ducking a rock she lobbed at his head.
"Don't gimme none of that crap!" she snapped at him. "If you ever actually wanted to keep in touch, you could visit! You've got enough dang flying contraptions! And it's not like you're so busy! You haven't had a student in forty years!" Roshi frowned at her and folded his arms.
"Have you seen the lines you draw? You think I'm gonna stand in a line for seven hours at my age just to catch up?" he asked incredulously. She huffed before hacking out a phlegmy glob of spit onto the sand.
"Then you could call!" she insisted. Roshi rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I'm sorry sis," he said with mock sincerity, "But you don't have a phone and I'm afraid I don't know the extension for your crystal ball!" Just when things looked like they were about to get ugly, Goku reached up and gave a tap-tap-tap on Baba's crystal ball.
"Excuse me," she said politely, "Could you help us?" Baba looked down at her and sighed before giving Goku a smile. Goku thought it was a nice smile, even if Baba was missing a couple teeth.
"Well that depends, deary," she said in a much nicer tone than when she'd been talking to Roshi. "What sort of fortune do you need old Baba to tell?" Goku smiled back at her. She seemed pretty nice!
"We're trying to find the Dragon Balls," she explained. "We have six of them but we can't find the seventh. We need them to help the people hurt by the Red Ribbon Army. Could you help us?" Baba smiled again and leaned down to ruffle Goku's hair. It was a shock that she didn't fall over, given how far she had to lean.
"That shouldn't be too hard," she said as Goku reached into her hair and pulled out a piece of ribbon candy. She blinked before shoving it into her mouth. "I should warn you, my help isn't cheap."
"We know," Bulma said, "Roshi said we have to pass some kind of test or challenge?" Baba smiled and shrugged.
"Unless you have ten million zeni on you, yes." They all stared wide-eyed at her. With the exception of Roshi who knew this already and Goku who was still too focused on her ribbon candy. "What, you think fortune telling is cheap?" she smiled and shrugged. "So I'm guessing that's a no on the ten million zeni. Let's see there are…" she paused and counted everyone there. Roshi took a step to the left and Bulma vehemently shook her head which apparently excluded them from the count. "Alright, so there's six of ya. If you can defeat my five champions, I'll tell ya your fortune. Follow me!" Baba floated away through the entrance tunnel towards the platform in between the two buildings and everyone followed her.
"I'll take the first shot," Launch said as she hopped into the ring. She cracked her neck and dropped down to stretch her legs to wait for the first champion. A strange figure strutted out of the far building wrapped in a mysterious black cloak before whipping it off dramatically to reveal… a blue vampire in traditional Taijutsu garb. He threw a few quick jabs in the air with his purple gloves. Launch was unimpressed.
"Behold!" the tiny pink ghost declared dramatically, "Dracula Man!"
"That's original," Suno muttered dryly.
"Wait," Krillin said, "If he's a vampire, how come he isn't dead from direct sunlight?" Baba waved her hand.
"I took care of that," she said brusquely. Krillin shrugged as Dracula Man threw another jab at Launch, cackling like a madman and showing his fangs to try and intimidate her. Launch responded with an elbow to the stomach that caused the vampire to double over in pain. She followed up with a ferocious uppercut that snapped Dracula Man's head back and drove her foot into his kneecap to hobble him. She continued the assault with vicious body punches and elbows. He caught Launch with a sudden knee to the stomach and followed up with a series of jabs to the face before finishing with a right hook. Surprisingly, Launch reached out and trapped his arm at the elbow under her armpit.
"Thank you, sir," Launch said and smiled wickedly at him despite her busted lip. "May I have another?" she added and spit out a mouthful of blood. Despite having no blood of his own, Dracula Man's blue skin went even paler. Launch grinned and proceeded to slam her palm several times into his collarbone. She let go of his arm to let him stagger away and threw out a powerful thrust kick to send him careening backwards onto his ass.
"Whoa," Yamcha whispered, the clear blush on his cheeks causing Bulma to huff and cross her arms over her chest indignantly. Goku clapped excitedly for her friend. Launch had gotten really good! Dracula picked himself up slowly as Launch waited and bounced on the balls of her feet. He charged at her and there was a sudden "Foof!" of a puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Dracula Man had turned into a bat! Whatever his next step was, though, it was clear it didn't matter.
"Ah… ahhh.. aaaah…" Launch said and tilted her head back further and further as she scrunched up her face.
"Aw no," Krillin muttered in disappointment.
"What?" Suno asked, "What is it?"
"Ah choo!" Launch cried as she sneezed and her hair switched blue. She blinked huge, soft, doe-like eyes as she stared at the bat flapping in front of her and looking as confused as a bat could be. Then she let out a shriek and dove into the water, eliminating herself. Everyone groaned and facepalmed in unison except for Goku, who was helping Launch out of the water, and Suno, who had never seen that happen.
"What," she asked flatly. "What?" she repeated in disbelief. How did that happen? What had just happened?
"Oh, right," Krillin said, "You've never seen Launch do that before. She does that."
"What the heck is 'that'?!" she asked incredulously. Everyone shrugged, even Launch. Suno sighed and shook her head. She shouldn't have been surprised.
"One down, five to go!" Dracula Man cackled as he returned to his human form and jabbed at the air. Apparently, he had forgotten that the only thing that had spared him a humiliating defeat was a technicality that he never could have expected. Krillin entered the ring next with some small amount of trepidation. He slid into his guard and Dracula Man turned into a bat again, zipping around the ring at surprising speed. Krillin heard the "Foof!" as Dracula Man transformed behind him and rolled forward with seconds to spare as the vampire's jaws snapped shut around the air where his head used to be.
"H-hey!" Krillin protested as he rolled up to a knee, "What gives?! Is he trying to drink my blood or something?!" He grinned and snapped his teeth a few more times.
"Well… yes," Baba said nonchalantly, as if Krillin was an idiot for asking. Krillin let out a distressed moan. Why did he always have to fight the things that ate people?! Dracula Man licked his lips and charged at Krillin with a series of elbows, jabs, and knees. A year ago, Krillin would have been terrified and helpless but he was braver and stronger now. He'd fought Giran the Dragon Man and the chainsaw android. A dumb blue vampire didn't scare him! Krillin effortlessly redirected every attack with his Orin Temple style before catching Dracula Man under the chin with a backflip kick. Dracula man staggered away while Baba dragged her hand down her face in frustration. Dracula Man turned into a bat in response to make up for his weaknesses with his incredible speed. He zipped around Krillin's head to try and disorient him. It was doing the job and Krillin could feel himself getting dizzy as his eyes bounced back and forth to try and follow the bat.
"Don't follow him with your eyes, Krillin!" Goku called, "You've got to feel when he's coming!" Goku could see him easily enough but she knew Krillin wasn't as strong as her so he'd have a harder time. Krillin nodded and closed his eyes as he exhaled. He threw his hands out suddenly and clapped them around Fang, catching him overhead.
"I got him!" Krillin cried triumphantly, then let out a yelp when Dracula Man turned back to normal to burst out of his grip and drove a knee down on top of Krillin's head to send him hard into the ring. Krillin rolled away as he followed up with a punch that hit only stone and got to his feet as the vampire charged with his mouth wide open. "Let's see how you chew on this!" he shouted as he chopped out a horizontal kiai. It caught Dracula Man right in the mouth and caused him to come to a screeching halt as his fangs snapped clean off. He shrieked in pain and clutched at his mouth in horror with tears in his eyes. Krillin ran at Dracula Man and caught him full in the face, unknowingly, with Goku's signature dropkick. He flew backwards and flopped across the ring a few times before hitting the water, eliminating the first of Baba's champions. The others cheered and clapped as Krillin pumped his fists in the air triumphantly.
"Yes, yes," Baba said dryly, "You defeated my weakest champion. Congratulations." She turned to the unconscious vampire floating in the water with disapproval, "You hear that, Drac? You stink! You lose one more time, you're fired! I'll get the one in the red trenchcoat and hat!" Then she turned her attention back to Krillin. "Would you like to sub out with someone else or do you want to face the next champion right away?"
"I'm ready!" Krillin said with his fists balled in determination. Baba nodded and snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. For a while. "Uh… where is–" but before Krillin could finish the question, something hit him in the chest with enough force to lift him off the ground. Krillin rolled up to his feet and clutched his chest with one hand. "Wh-what?!" he asked incredulously as his eyes swept around. He couldn't see any– once again his thought was interrupted as he was struck in the face. Baba cackled as Krillin staggered away and held his cheek.
"Behold!" she declared while spreading her tiny arms as wide as she could manage, "The Invisible Man!"
"Well that's an impossible command if ever I heard one," Bulma muttered under her breath.
"Don't worry, Krillin!" Goku assured her friend "It's just like the vampire guy! You have to listen for him!" Then she turned to Suno and added "I can smell him but I know not everyone's sense of smell is as good as mine." Suno smiled a little to herself when she realized that Goku still couldn't sense ki. At least she could do something Goku couldn't.
Krillin tried to do as Goku said and put up his guard. He closed his eyes to shut everything out and heard a sudden shuffling of feet upon the stone. Krillin spun to avoid an attack and drove the edge of his hand into… something. Maybe a knee? There was a howl of pain that seemed to come from nothing and Krillin jumped up into the air and threw out a spin kick. This time, he struck somewhere around the ribcage and the air let out another howl of pain and a gasp for breath. Krillin heard the Invisible Man stagger back and swept his legs out from under him with a kick, then leaped again to deliver a double foot stomp, his feet stopping before they hit the ground as they collided with what was probably a stomach. Krillin hopped away as the Invisible Man gasped and sputtered. Then the strangest thing happened.
Baba began to sing.
It was a strange wailing song that was deep and full of sorrow and in a foreign language. Roshi groaned and clapped his hands over his ears.
"Her and her stupid friggin opera," he muttered under his breath. Launch looked up at Baba and smiled slightly. She kind of liked the music. It was sad but kind of sweet.
"But why is she singing?" Bulma wondered. Had the old bat gone senile? She was older than Roshi so she kind of had to be, right? Krillin tried to listen for the Invisible Man's feet again but now he couldn't hear anything over the singing! He squinted and tried to drown the crone out but she just seemed to sing louder. He threw a wild kick to the side but something hit him in the back of the head. He staggered forward and then he was kicked in the butt and sent sprawling.
"Hey!" Goku shouted angrily up at Baba with sudden realization, "You're cheating!" The others cried out in outrage at Baba's treachery and shook their fists in the air at her. She just kept right on singing.
"You know," Krillin said irritably, "You guys are just making more noise!" Between Baba's singing and his friends' arguing, Krillin couldn't hear anything. He threw out wild punches and kicks at where he thought the Invisible Man would be. However, between his unfocused attack and the Invisible Man's counterattacks, all he was doing was letting his see-through foe corral him to the edge of the ring. Krillin made a final desperate dive forwards when he felt something hit him in the face and fell right into the water. The Invisible Man laughed a belly laugh as Krillin came up and spat out a stream of water with a sour expression on his face. Goku helped him out as Baba finally stopped singing.
"All right," she said, "Who's next?" Yamcha started to step forward when Suno held out a hand to stop him.
"I can handle this," she said confidently.
"Are you sure?" Bulma asked, worry clearly written on her face. "You still don't look to good after that Kamehameha."
Suno smiled, "Yeah, I've got this. This guy isn't really strong or skilled and I have a trick up my sleeve." She'd had time during Krillin's fight to get a handle on the Invisible Man's ki and now she knew everything she could possibly need. She stepped into the ring and closed her eyes. She could see without seeing and knew that he was coming towards her. His form was atrocious and the wind up on his punt that he was aiming at her chest was almost comically slow. Suno suspected that the only way he'd been able to do any damage to Krillin whatsoever was through his invisibility. Suno hopped easily over it and swung with a reverse hook kick that drove the heel of her foot into his ear. He started to stagger but Suno grabbed his wrist as she started to fall and pulled his arm, gravity helping her to flip him overhead and slam him down into the stone. She twisted on his arm, which she was sure looked ludicrous to everyone else as she grabbed and twisted at nothing. The Invisible Man shrieked and squealed and howled with pain in Suno's grip.
"I give up!" he cried, "I give up, I give up! Lemme go!" Suno did just that and she sensed him roll away and sulk off clutching his arm. Baba groaned as everyone else cheered and Suno finally opened her eyes to see Goku rushing across the bridge to hug her and lift her off the ground.
"That was so cool!" Goku shouted. "How were you able to do that?" she asked. Suno smiled almost bashfully. Between this and the Kamehahema, she wasn't used to being so heaped with praise.
"I was able to sense his ki," she said modestly. Goku's eyes got all starry and she set Suno down to clap her hands and bounce up and down.
"Oooh! You've gotta show me that!" Suno grinned and nodded which made Goku cheer. Preoccupied as she was with Goku, Suno couldn't see the flash of jealousy in Krillin's eyes or the way he balled his fists and sucked in his lips. Baba cleared her throat to draw away from the good times and bring everyone back to the present.
"If you're all quite done?" she asked. "That was the easy part. Those two are pretty much just gimmicks. Now you have to fight the guys who are actually good. Are you ready for the terrors that await you inside… the Devil's Toilet?!"