If reading about disturbing stuff in real life will bother you, skip down to reading about Darcy's fictional life; if you can handle reading about real life creeps, read on. Note that part of G.G.'s character in this story has all along been loosely based on my daughter who I have long referred to on FF as being a "Lydia" type. Imagine this G.G. if she had special needs.

In real life our daughter's boyfriend got arrested after we reported what our daughter had tearfully told us, that her boyfriend was having sex with her while she was sleeping and she would wake up in the middle and because it was in the middle she would just "let it go." Obviously no one can consent when they are sleeping. She told us this happened multiple times and she wanted my husband to talk to her boyfriend about not doing this. There is a history of her boyfriend pressuring her for sex when she is awake until she finally gives in and we had both talked to him about this needing to stop and if she says "no" that he needs to leave her alone, but he did not change his behavior.

When the police and a social worker showed up, our daughter and her boyfriend both confirmed this was what happened multiple times. They tried to put in place a safety plan, but were not convinced that the boyfriend would follow it and our daughter would not get assaulted again, so they arrested the creep and charged him.

While our daughter wanted it to stop, she did not want him arrested so she then decided to change her story and to blame us for reporting it because it is "ruining her life." The creep's sister and another person took her to the courthouse to change her story, even though she had previously told them what he had done. They were arrested and charged with tampering with a witness.

This awful guy gets none of the blame for anything; instead, our daughter is doing everything she can to try to get him out of it. She even testified at a hearing for the defense and lied about what happened. Fortunately, the case was still referred to the grand jury for indictment and his cash bond was not lowered. Since it is more than he or his family can pay, he is sitting in jail.

Unfortunately, since she changed her story and because they were living together and dating, it is likely they will try to plead him out to a lesser offense, but even for that he would still have to register as a sexual offender. I just want her to be safe; I wish she saw that as the most important thing, too. She just wants him back, no matter how he treats her.

Fortunately, because our daughter is under a disability judgment and we are her legal guardians, I was able to file for an order of protection against him. So if he bonds out, and he shows up, he will both be violating the conditions of his release and subject to an additional crime. I absolutely believe he would show up again and she would let him in. The good news is that I have informed her apartment complex, the grounds are fenced and there are a ton of video cameras and they know to call the police if he shows up. Unfortunately, our daughter is seeking to get out of her guardianship as she wants access to her money to bail the creep out. So there are a lot of court things coming up and we've all been very stressed out.

Yay, for writing fanfiction, because when I can't sleep that's what I turn to doing, and it really does help. Thank you also, for all of your support.

13.

Of course I doubted my decision not to fly to Europe many times, but after I had agreed not to go, I did admit to myself that I probably was depressed. I knew I had cause, but I also felt weak that I could not overcome it by the force of my own will.

That weekend, on and off I worked on the letter. Sometimes it was addressed to Jane, sometimes to Elizabeth. If to the later, I would specifically address her claims; if to the former, I would apologize for my ill thought out words, hint that bad things had negatively affected my mood and colored my words. But I was not satisfied with anything that I wrote on the computer and all my editing seemed to make it less like what was in my head. Different versions were stilted, polite, dismissive, haughty, danced around the heart of the matter. In short, they sounded more like the public me, than the me I was around close friends.

I had planned to return to work on Monday, had the cloth bandage system made up according to the doctor's specifications (although my tailor undoubtedly found the request odd, especially since I had hand copied down the specs of what I needed so that he wouldn't see the picture of the woman wearing it, or the that it was a bandage system to support a broken jaw) and left at my door. I had it made up in two colors, a skin tone and a basic black, but leaned toward wearing the black one as my hair blended better with that one. But when I awoke Monday morning, I couldn't trouble myself enough to get up. I pulled my phone off the charger and texted that I would be unavailable that day.

I had no intention, though, of missing my appointment with Ms. Berry. When she brought me through her door, the sympathetic look in her kind eyes undid me and I burst into tears like a young child. Ms. Berry matter-of-factly handed me a box of tissues and waited while I wiped and blew, until I got myself under control.

As the essential oils, which smelled of sage, gently wafted into the air, I explained about G.G. being missing, my urgent care appointment, Rick flying out and following up on leads, the visit to the Meryton police department and how worthless I felt. I mostly talked for the hour and she let me, just sprinkling in supportive phrases here and there, such as "that must have been hard" and "how awful."

When I finally stopped, there were some moments of quiet, but for the gentle hiss of the defuser. My eyes were tightly trained on my lap as I self-consciously wiped my sweaty palms upon my pants.

Ms. Berry waited until I looked up at her before she began to speak. "Bill, the week you've had." She shook her head and made a sympathetic clucking noise with her tongue. "It seems to me that you are being too hard on yourself. Even one of these things is a lot to deal with, and you had them all piled up at once, on top of other recent and older traumas. Too, you seem to be measuring yourself against some unwritten masculine ideal and faulting yourself for falling short. You are allowed to be upset, to struggle. It is normal."

Ms. Berry leaned in toward me and touched me very lightly on the shoulder. "What I don't understand, Bill, is why you didn't call me. I would have done my best to see you, or to at least talk with you on the phone."

I shrugged. "It was after hours and I was holding on for seeing you today."

"I have another client coming in but . . . " she consulted her purple calendar book, "I can see you at 5:30 on Wednesday. Can you be there then?"

I quickly agreed.

"Also, I'd like to refer you to a psychiatrist."

I opened my mouth to protest, but she staved off my objection by raising her hand in the "stop" position.

"Bill, please understand, I don't think you have psychiatric problems or anything, but I think you could benefit from some antidepressants for a few months and I can't prescribe medications. You need help to get through things and it is actually brave to proactively get the help you need."

"I don't know about medication . . ."

"It doesn't have to be a huge dose or forever. It won't magically fix things, but it could make it easier."

I wanted to just definitively say "no" but I forced myself to consider her request, finally responding, "Can I think about it?"

"Of course you can. I offer choices, not orders. You are ultimately in charge of everything, but it does take a while to get in to see someone, so I'd rather put in a referral sooner than later."

I found myself saying, "I'll let you know on Wednesday."

"Alright then. We are already five minutes over, so now I need to let you go."

Ms. Berry walked me out. While I didn't exactly feel good, I think I felt a little better.

I went home, had an early dinner, and then took myself off to bed. I slept until nearly ten, and after a quick visit to the bathroom and a cup of coffee, I was feeling more like myself.

I sat down at my wide wooden desk, the desk that had been my father's, and opened up my laptop. I sent off an email again informing the staff that I would not be at work.

Then I opened up a new document on Word and began to write the letter again. It wasn't going well, so after a few minutes I closed this latest draft without saving it. I closed my laptop, set it to the side and then opened my top right desk drawer and pulled out some thick, creamy parchment and my nice fountain pen, which had ink that flowed just right and wrote the words just as they came without pausing to revise.

Dear Jane, Elizabeth and Mary Bennet,

Jane, it has been pointed out to me that I poorly chose my words when offering felicitations for your engagement. Please accept my apologies, I never meant to belittle you; it was unconsciously done. I think I may have been bitter and envious of the blessings that Chuck has, how he can go through life unplagued by worries and so easily win the woman of his dreams.

I did not mean to imply anything by commenting on your different circumstances from those of women Chuck has dated before. It does not follow that different is lesser in any of the ways that count. Indeed, you have so much more to offer in being a genuinely kind person whose outside only reflects her inner beauty, too. Chuck and I know all too many women who have money and surgically enhanced beauty, but are ugly on the inside, are always scrambling for position and will turn on anyone that stands in their way, who seek partners not on genuine affinity, but in an effort to rise still higher in a zero sum game that I cannot even begin to understand. Indeed, I do not think Chuck could have chosen better.

Jane, I wish you every happiness in your upcoming marriage. From what I know of you both, I believe you will be happy together. I regret that I shall be unable to attend said wedding and see your joy complete.

Elizabeth, I can only think your loud words as I walked away the other day were to show me that you overheard me criticize you that evening at the bar and to help me experience a taste of my own medicine, bitter though it was. If that was your intention, you amply succeeded. I judged too quickly and made faulty assumptions, of all things based upon making a snap judgment that because you were on your phone at that moment, that you must be one of those people who is obsessed with their phones. Your appearance is everything lovely; indeed, in the course of our interactions I have come I think you are one of the most beautiful women of my acquaintance.

Many times I have regretted the things I said and then drowning my sorrows in the drinks Caroline supplied. If I only had the courage to approach you then, to apologize and start anew, perhaps even now we might be friends or something more. I have long wished at our subsequent meetings that I might have been in a better frame of mind to tell you how much I admire you. Please accept my humble apology; I undoubtedly richly deserved your castigation but I hope that someday you will think better of me.

Mary, I am sorry I could not recall your name. You seem to be someone well worth knowing.

Ladies, it cannot excuse my poor actions toward any of you but the past few days, or rather the past few months, and even the past few years have been very difficult. I had excellent parents, who taught me good principles, but this was not properly tempered with humility. Too, without even being aware of it until recently, I have long been irrationally resentful of them dying much too soon and thrusting such responsibilities upon me for which I was ill prepared. It has been far easier to manage business matters than the guardianship of my sister.

G.G., too, I have failed, for not seeing what was happening to her. She is only sixteen. It never occurred to me to suspect that someone was molesting my sister for years. And I could have never anticipated that once it came out she would choose her abuser over her family, would fancy herself in love and do everything in her power to get to him. Undoubtedly, this has been caused by my failure to be the kind of parent she needed. Even now she has run away from her therapeutic boarding school and is yet to be found but my cousin Rick is pursuing her in England. I should be there, too, but delayed to see to my jaw.

I also did not anticipate Chuck ending our decade-long friendship at the end of his fist rather than accept the truth about what his sister Caroline did to me and the danger she might pose to others. On the day of our chance encounter, I had just come from trying to report her behavior so as to help prevent its repetition and the reception I received from the police was to be mocked for it.

Jane, I implore you to speak to Chuck further about the whole situation which I feel unequal to writing down on paper. As Caroline is to be your family, you must know as much about what she has done as you can. Chuck did not believe me at the time but I can understand his need to defend his sister, to only wish to think the best of her. Is that not a natural, just instinct in most circumstances? I know that it is because I did not believe who my sister has become, either, until more and more things have come out. While neither of you would ever be responsible for Caroline's actions going forward, some awareness might help others avoid harm.

I tell all of you about the conjunction of these events so that you all might properly place my ill words in the context of the mess that is my current life. It does not excuse them, but I still beg for your understanding. I am in therapy and trying to make progress with my life, but the past is forever with me. I humbly ask for the forgiveness of all of you and will try to do better in the future.

Best Wishes,

Bill Darcy