Sorry I haven't responded to the last set of reviews. I am just behind on everything.

I got my daughter's medical records and confirmed that E did indeed get her birth control implant removed and refused all other forms of birth control. E has a history of being sexually promiscuous and not getting guys to wear condoms, so I anticipate without having her Nexplanon in that she will be pregnant within the next year by someone. Frankly, almost anyone would be an improvement over her boyfriend as a potential sperm donor and her having another man's child might be what would finally end that relationship. If boyfriend does get out and she winds up pregnant by him, I guess that would be decisive proof that he violated the domestic violence order by being closer than 500 feet from her.

But with either option, what a way for any potential baby to come into the world, with so many things already stacked against him or her! I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion, knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have prayed about this situation a lot, as that's about all I can do.

E has a counseling appointment with a new counselor tomorrow and we've decided that I am going to bring up the whole birth control implant removal at it. For an hour counseling appointment, there isn't nearly enough time for everything and I need to limit what I tell the counselor to perhaps twenty minutes of that time. Wish me luck.

18.

I waited, nonplussed by what I had heard so far, but hoping that what Chuck was saying might improve. I would be a hypocrite to immediately judge him for perhaps poorly chosen words, after I had managed to previously insult both Elizabeth and Jane on separate occasions. However, my companions were apparently less of a mind to be generous than me.

Rick sputtered, while rising to his feet, "Is that supposed to be an apology?"

Rick was interrupted right in the middle of saying "that" by Jane. She, too, had sprung to her feet, lithely, like a lynx, and something of her manner made me think of a Valkyrie. Jane talked over Rick to declare, "Chuck! You must choose to believe one or the other!" Then, apparently remembering herself, she glanced at Rick and said, "I am sorry. I did not mean to interrupt you. That was rude of me."

"That's okay," Rick said.

It occurred to me then that Jane had offered a better apology to Rick for a little thing than I had received from Chuck for something far worse.

Jane gave a little nod of acknowledgment to Rick, sat back down and then turned back to Chuck, and spoke to him in a gentler tone while rubbing his arm in a soothing manner. "If you still doubt, at least talk to your friend about it."

Rick did not sit back down as Jane had. Instead he paced back and forth behind our arm chairs, like a restless lion in cage, but much less silent than one as the living room had marble floors. It was somehow comforting to me to hear his steady steps, to know that he had my back, but Rick's pacing was perhaps bewildering to Chuck.

I watched as Chuck's head volleyed back and forth, like someone watching a tennis match. Every length that Rick took seemed to disconcert Chuck further. Chuck clenched his jaw tightly and reddened again, even as he continued to follow Rick's movements.

Jane put a hand on Chuck's shoulder and said, "Forget about him, you are here to talk to Bill."

"Yes, right." Chuck went from looking at Jane to looking over at me, as if awaiting what I might say, but I said nothing. I would answer him if he asked questions, but it was not my responsibility to put him at ease.

Eventually the silence grew too much for Chuck and he spoke. "Bill, how about you explain to me exactly what happened to make you think Caroline took advantage of you?"

Again, Chuck Bingley's words were, well less than I would have hoped for. Still, I was about to give him the evidence in the form of my eyewitness account, when Rick came around my arm chair and stood in front of me, or rather directly in front of where Chuck sat on the couch, which was at a right angle to my chair.

Rick leaned forward, looming over Chuck, Rick raised his hand and the anger on his face was so clear in every line, that I feared he would hit Chuck. I was rising to my feet, preparing to try to hold Rick back, when Rick closed his hand into a fist, but for his index finger.

Rick pointed that finger at Chuck, gesturing with it in a stabbing motion to punctuate his yelled words as he leaned forward on each word, his sandy hair flopping with the movement. "How . . . dare . . . you!"

Oddly enough, Rick's very anger, how indignant he was on my behalf, calmed me. I rose up behind Rick, said "It's okay," and lay a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

Rick stopped mid-point and turned toward me. "No, it's not, Bill, not even a little bit. How can you be so calm when your honor is being insulted like this? Why do you have to justify anything to him? He's the one who hit you! It should be Chuck who is trying to explain himself, not the other way around! I can't believe you were ever friends with this piece of . . ." Rick trailed off, apparently remembering there was a lady in the room.

Rick then turned his head back toward Chuck and glared at him with narrowed eyes. Rick's next words were said of Chuck, rather than to him, "Perhaps going around and hurting others just runs in his family, along with the Bingley blond hair."

"Just wait a minute." Chuck rose to his feet. "I didn't come here to be insulted like this." Chuck clenched his fists by his side.

I started to worry than that Chuck and Rick might come to blows and apparently Jane feared the same thing because she stood up and said. "Sit down, guys, no need for everyone to raise their hackles like a bunch of wild dogs. Let's all be sensible."

"For you, Jane," Chuck said and settled himself down, still glaring back at Rick.

"You, too," I said to Rick and he then sat down.

Once we were all seated again, I decided if we were ever going to get through this morning, it was up to me. "I'll tell you as completely as I can what happened, but I can't pretend it won't be awkward and embarrassing. Chuck, you can ask questions, but please try to let me get through it all before you do.

"It will be difficult enough as it is. Also, all of this is on a 'need to know' basis. I don't want this to become common knowledge. Jane, I guess your sisters already know the broad strokes, but I prefer that they not know every last detail. Rick, I trust your discretion as always and you pretty much know everything by now anyway.

"Chuck, I don't trust either of your sisters in the least. As far as Caroline, she knows what she did and Louisa may know Caroline's version, so as far as I can, I suppose you could counter that if you end up believing me, but neither of them are entitled to details regarding my feelings, to knowing how it has all affected me. That's too personal. As for anyone else you may know, I don't want you telling anyone, not even under the 'a friend told me' as I don't need your friends guessing it is me. The only exception to this is if, later, there is some guy you think Caroline might try this with, and you need to caution him. That's what I mean about a 'need to know.' Got it?"

I looked around at them. A little nod was all I needed from Rick, Jane said "Of course. If you prefer I not be here . . ."

"What I would have preferred is that nothing ever happened to me, but it is far too later for that. I need you here Jane, so that you and Chuck have heard the exact same thing, that way there is no diminishing what I say. I am trusting you to be a voice of reason for him, and as his fiancee and soon to be Caroline's sister-in-law, I think you really need to understand just what she is capable of. If I had a clue, perhaps I would have protected myself better."

I took a couple of deep breaths and then asked, while looking straight into his eyes, "Chuck, do I have your word?"

"I suppose." His grudging response gave me pause, but I figured it would be the best I could get.

I began, "I had long known that Caroline had some sort of interest in me, but I certainly never returned it. I tolerated her for Chuck's sake and in the interest of avoiding being rude, never simply told her to buzz off as perhaps I should have. This is not to say that she isn't physically attractive, but her catty, disparaging comments are a huge turn off as was her effort to pretend to like whatever I did, no matter how ridiculous. Still, I considered her mostly harmless. I grossly underestimated her deviousness and her determination to get her way. Rather than tell you just what I thought at the time, I'm also going to tell you what my conclusions are, given all the time I've had to think everything through.

"That night in the bar, our first night in Meryton, I think Caroline saw an opportunity to get what she wanted, since for once I was drinking more than my usual one beer. I would like to think it was a crime of opportunity, just a spur of the moment, but looking back on it, this was not the first time she tried to get me to drink more than I ought, just the first time I actually went along with it.

"I know I am responsible for letting myself get drunk, but the worst I thought would come of it was a bad hangover the next morning, which seemed not a bad price to pay to forget for once all the horrible circumstances surrounding G.G. being abused for years, how I had utterly failed as her guardian.

"Chuck, usually I am the designated driver for you, so I guess I assumed that you would do the same for me that night, but I should have known better as you were chatting up Jane" I nodded in her direction, "and I know how single-minded you can get when talking to a pretty blonde. Still, as she was a local, it wasn't like she wasn't going to be around after that. You were all too willing to go along with Caroline taking me home, likely thought nothing of it, but I wonder, if the situation had been reversed what you would have thought about some man who'd been drooling over your sister for years taking her home when she was drunk?"

Chuck furrowed his brow then, apparently considering the matter.

"I don't really blame you for not thinking the worst of your sister. We, as a society, aren't used to thinking about women being capable of the same depravities as man.

"In any event, Caroline drove me home. I remember having trouble walking, having trouble getting into the seat of the car, being unable to even buckle the seatbelt or manage to close the door. It should have been evident to anyone that I wasn't anywhere near to being competent to consent to anything, not a contract, not sex."

I looked away from Jane, embarrassed by what I was about to say next.

"Caroline had to get me out of the car, help me into the house and then she helped me to my bed. Her taking off my shoes, that I understand, but what she did next didn't make any sense except as being a deliberate act to take advantage of me. I would like to think it started out with her being curious, but I think it was a calculated move on her part, to fully undress me. I was like a little child, trying to cooperate with Mommy, not some guy wanting to get lucky."

I gulped and my eyes started to sting with un-shed tears. I could not cry now, I had to get through with it. I told them about everything she did and about my insane laughter, the way everything felt dream-like and unreal, the way she climbed on top of me. I did not try to pretty any of it up, freely told about insisting on a condom and how Caroline tried to dissuade me, telling me she was on the pill and how it was a wonder I had even that small kernel of rationality somehow in the middle of everything. I told them how she climbed on top and I simply was an object beneath her.

I told them how later she tried to have it happen again and about how repulsed I was by the idea when I had regained a modicum of sense (although far from what I would have usually had if less intoxicated). I told them about vomiting and in looking back on it not knowing if it was caused by the drinking or an awareness of the awfulness of what had happened, even if I did not have the words to explain it then.

I told them about my feelings of regret the next morning, of thinking I had not behaved in a gentlemanly like manner, of worrying about Caroline's feelings and what Chuck would think if he knew. I told them about my shame, how uncomfortable I was in her presence after that, of feeling obligated even though objectively I felt I had done nothing wrong, of believing that I could not show any interest in another woman in front of Caroline.

I told them of her efforts to get me to drink again, and of my vow to myself that I would stay stone-cold sober from here on out. I told them of feeling down, out of sorts, not quite understanding what was wrong.

I told them about telling the whole thing to Rick and how he had seen what I had not, how he had put a word to it, labeled it as rape, and my attempts to deny it. I told them about my nightmares, about being G.G. attacked by George, but George becoming Caroline. I told them about going to therapy, of finally confiding in Ms. Berry, and later with her help coming to acknowledge that a woman could indeed rape a man, that such depravity can in fact be found in woman-kind.

I told them of my desire to make sure that this could never happen to anyone else, about how I had longed to tell Chuck so that he might protect his other friends from Caroline. I told them about my shock and dismay when I learned that Caroline was claiming I took advantage of her and knowing then that I had to talk to Chuck. I talked about my devastation in having my closest friend not only disbelieve me, but punch me and leave me hurt upon the floor. I told them about discovering that I had a broken jaw and then not getting to immediately chase after my sister who had disappeared as I had to go to more appointments and see what treatment I needed.

I told them about exactly what happened when I tried to report the matter to the police and how much I longed to do something to protect other potential victims even at the cost of humiliating myself. I detailed what the exact humiliation ended up consisting of, and how I had no hope that it had done any good.

Finally, at that point I was exhausted, worn out. I didn't really want to answer any questions, but I needed to know if after being told all of that, whether Chuck might now understand. But his was not the first question. Instead it came from Jane.

"Bill, I know you were very drunk that night. I remember seeing you leaving, staggering on Caroline's arm. So do you think you could have possibly been wrong about a couple of details?" She had a compassionate look on her face, and seeing that almost undid me, but I forced myself to consider.

"I suppose it is possible, but I have tried my best to tell you all just what I remember."

"Yes, yes, I understand that," Jane said. "It is just that, are you sure Caroline said she was on the pill?"

That seemed like an odd detail to wonder at, in the whole scheme of things. I responded, "Yes, I am sure. For besides saying that, she kept telling me that I did not need a condom, that I would like it more without it. Why would she want me to have unprotected sex with her unless she trusted that I wouldn't have any kind of STDs and was on some kind of birth control?"

Jane's face, which was already paler than usual I thought, whitened further. She said so quietly that if not for the stillness of the room I may not have caught it, "Oh . . . oh . . . oh . . . no." Her lips hung open after the "no" and she had a kind of "deer in the headlights" look about her even as she shook her head in a silent "no."

"What is it?" Chuck turned to her and plucked her hand from her lap.

"Chuck, I just. She wouldn't. Would she?" Jane appeared to be talking to herself.

"Explain, please. What wouldn't Caroline do?" Rick asked.

Jane studied her lap, tracing a concentric pattern with her finger on her pants. "It is just, Caroline and I talked birth control once. She said she can't take the pill because when she tried it made her gain weight. She said all of the hormonal stuff does that too her and she is scared of the copper IUD because she knew a woman who ended up with a hole in her uterus from one. She's into natural family planning, says her cycle is very regular and she knows just when she ovulates, but says she uses a diaphragm with spermicide as it wouldn't do to slip up before she's with her 'Mr. Forever.'"

"So?" Chuck asked, in an angry tone. "So she didn't take all the time to explain that in the heat of the moment, so what?"

Jane pulled her hand free from her fiance's grasp, looked over at him and declared. "So, either Caroline was wearing her diaphragm all night long, meaning the whole thing was planned or she didn't wear her diaphragm at all."

Rick gasped. I was not as quick on the uptake as him, my mind still trying to remember just what a diaphragm was. I knew it was not in the list of birth control I had considered for G.G. as it had to be remembered every time and there was too much potential to forget or for user error.

Rick asked, no one in particular. "What if Caroline wasn't wearing her diaphragm and didn't want to use a condom because she hoped to get pregnant?"