Revisionist History?! The Budoukai Begins!
"Let's hear it one more time for Trunks, ladies and gentlemen!" Ken declared, even though Trunks had already left the area, and the crowd clapped and gave a cheer. "After a brief intermission, we will move on to the Twenty-fifth Tenkaichi Budoukai!" The crowd roared as Ken strutted offstage before dispersing to get concessions and go to the bathroom. The competitors in the tournament started shuffling out of Bulma's luxury box to go prepare for their matches, with Krillin and Lazuli giving their daughter each a kiss on the cheek before handing her back to Lapis.
"Uh, mom," Gohan said as he walked beside Goku in his best attempt at a hushed voice, "Can you come with me? There's somebody I think you need to meet."
"Do you mean that Videl girl Suno mentioned while we were waiting for the rest of you to qualify?" she asked innocuously. Gohan's face reddened behind his mask and he wondered why, oh why, did these conversations about his love life always happen when he wasn't around?
"No," Gohan groaned. Although, now that he thought about it, Videl was definitely going to want to talk to Goku soon, what with the whole "Goku being my inspiration" thing. It would have to wait, though. "It's important, though," he assured her. "So just… come with me. Vegeta!" Gohan added as they walked. "You too!" Vegeta scowled and rolled his eyes, not enjoying being ordered or told what to do but he knew that this probably had something to do with the Kaioushin and the end of the world and all that nonsense. So that was probably important. He followed after Goku and Gohan with the others watching them curiously but not following. It was probably some Saiyan thing.
"Hey, Vegeta," Goku asked as they walked, "What're you wearing?" Vegeta looked down at his outfit before looking up at Kakarot with one eyebrow raised. He was dressed in a test set of a potential new line of athletic wear his company might start selling. His fingerless gloves and runner's shoes had plenty of grip and traction and were white while his tank top and leggings (which Bulma teasingly called "yoga pants") were blue and were made of a comfortable, breathable material.
"We can't all be like you, Kakarot," Vegeta remarked with a scoff. "We don't all have the luxury of being able to train with no responsibilities until the end of time. Some of us have to make money." Goku smiled and shrugged while Vegeta frowned at himself when he realized how… defeated that sentence sounded. Was he slowing down? Was he losing a step, losing perspective, because he valued certain things over constantly training and pressuring himself? 'Of course not,' he assured himself. 'I'll prove that to Kakarot when I defeat her in the finals of this tournament. I'm still the King.' However, he wasn't able to entirely convince himself.
Soon enough, the trio reached an isolated corner of the fighters' area where a mysterious purple woman with long, spiked, white hair stood with a tremendously tall, pink-skinned, haggard-faced man with straight, white hair. Vegeta couldn't hide his disappointment at the sight of her. So this was his creator? He was expecting something more… grand. The Gods of his people had always been described to him as great, fantastic, magnificent beings. This was just… a woman. Undeniably otherworldly but not particularly impressive.
"Ah," the purple woman said with a nod of her head. "Son Goku and Vegeta. I've been hoping to finally see the two of you."
"Mom, Vegeta," Gohan began as he gestured from them to her, "This is, uh… the Kaioushin. The-" Goku shot her hand out to shake Kaioushin's hand energetically with a grin.
"It's nice to meet you!" she greeted amicably. "I heard Kaiou mention you a few times but I always wondered when I'd actually get to see you." The pink man's eyes popped out of his head and he looked like he was about to explode with rage.
"How dare you put your hands on the Kaioushin witho–" he began to rave before the Kaioushin put her other hand up to quiet him.
"It's quite alright, Kibito," she assured him while still shaking Goku's hand. "I am the God of Gods, the Greatest and the Highest, the Chiefest Authority of the Heavens…" then she smiled again and shrugged. "But you can just call me Xī," she told Goku and Vegeta. "And this stuffy statue is my Attendant, Kibito." After Goku let go of her hand, she held it out for Vegeta to shake. He looked down at it and made a deliberate show of crossing his arms and not shaking her hand. Xī shrugged as Kibito audibly ground his teeth at the indignity. "Now then," she continued, "There's something that I need to discuss with you all. Obviously, the fewer people know about this, the better."
OoOoOoO
Piccolo's ears twitched and he frowned, listening to the conversation intently. He'd decide later if he should tell the others what was going on but he himself didn't enjoy being left in the dark.
OoOoOoO
"So this Babidi guy is somewhere here on Earth," Goku surmised after Xī was finished explaining, "And he wants to unleash this Majin Boo guy and kill everyone?" Xī nodded. "And he's got a couple of his minions here to try and steal energy people so they can wake up Boo. It's those guys with the M's on their foreheads, right?" Xī nodded again.
"My plan–" Xī started to say before Goku interjected.
"Why don't we just punch 'em?" she asked bluntly.
"I loathe to admit it," Vegeta added as Xī groaned and slapped herself in the forehead, "But I agree with Kakarot. Let's just grab these minions and beat them until they tell us where Babidi is."
"Why?" Xī murmured to herself as she shook her head with her face in her hand. "Why did I make them so dumb?" Then she looked up at them again as she spoke. "No," she sighed, "We can't just 'beat them up'. They're under Babidi's spell, their wills belong to him completely. They'll die before revealing anything he doesn't want them to. The smart thing to do is to let them take someone's energy and then follow after them to find where Babidi's ship is."
"Yeah," Goku added with a frown, "I've been trying but I can't really sense any evil kinda energy."
"That's probably Babidi's magic," Xī explained, "Shielding himself from your being able to find him."
"I think we need to follow Xī's plan," Gohan put in. "I mean, I'm not crazy about letting Spopovich and Yamu get away with whatever their plan is but Xī's the one with the most experience dealing with Boo and Babidi and all this stuff. We should listen to her." Vegeta rolled his eyes as Xī smiled and nodded approvingly at him.
"Okay," Goku said with a smile and a shrug as she put a hand on her son's shoulder. "I trust you, Gohan."
"Thank you," Xī told them all. "Now, you'd better get back before the others start to wonder where you are. And remember," Xī added as the trio turned to leave, "The fewer people know, the better!"
OoOoOoO
"So," Piccolo remarked flippantly as the three joined back up with the others, "The end of the world again, huh?" Gohan gave Piccolo an exasperated look as the Namekian chuckled and tapped the tip of one pointed ear.
"Seriously," Gohan grumbled, "How good is your hearing?" Piccolo shrugged. "You at least haven't told any of the others, have you?" he asked. Piccolo shook his head.
"Don't worry," he assured Gohan, "I'm keeping it under my turban for now." He wasn't entirely enthused with the knowledge that he'd be fighting the Kaioushin now but he supposed there was nothing that could be done about it. Before Gohan or Piccolo could continue the conversation, Videl came charging toward them and came right up to Goku, bowing toward her eagerly.
"Hello, Mrs. Goku!" she greeted excitedly. "My name is Videl, it's an honor to meet you! You're a tremendous inspiration to me as a fighter and I want to follow your example and become the Budoukai champion someday!" Gohan smiled bashfully while Vegeta seemed to be fighting an urge to vomit.
"It's nice to meet you, too, Videl!" Goku replied while she bowed to Videl in response. "I've heard a little about you. I hope we meet in the Budoukai. I'd love to see what you're capable of!" Videl beamed and Gohan was worried he might have to catch her in case she fainted. Before that could happen, however, they were all alerted by Ken's booming voice.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Budoukai will begin shortly," he announced, "But before that, the tournament organizers would like to provide you with this special video for your entertainment." There was a rumble of interest that passed through the audience and the fighters, their own curiosity mildly piqued, walked toward the windows of the fighter's area to look up at the big screens. "You've heard the interviews! You've read the reports! You saw it on the news! But here now, for your viewing pleasure, is the most faithful recreation yet of what actually happened at the Cell Games!"
"What," Suno muttered sarcastically under her breath, "The four-part documentary on the history channel wasn't enough?" Still, if nothing else, they could all laugh at how stupid whatever they were about to watch was. Vegeta, meanwhile, was about to reach for his phone to make sure that he could contact his lawyer as quickly as possible. However, he realized it was a pointless gesture as, just last year, he and his legal team had gone through a painstaking trial to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was not the same Vegeta as the one who'd wiped out an entire city and tried to destroy the Earth. Among other things, he'd had to prove an inability to fly, that he did not possess superhuman strength or, in the most embarrassing moment of all, that he was not nearly indestructible. The smug look on Bulma's face as she put one of Trunks' cartoon bandages on the tiny pinprick of a wound Vegeta had gotten on his finger from lowering his ki drastically enough to actually be injured by a needle was more annoying than the entire legal proceedings. It wouldn't do to just undo all of that just because someone had made a ludicrously-inaccurate video without his knowledge or consent.
The video screens faded in with a short clip of waves crashing against rocks, freeze-framing and transforming into an oil painting of waves crashing on rocks with the ZTV logo plastered across it. It faded out before fading in again on a woman who… almost looked like Perfect Cell (it was very clearly a woman in a bodysuit with her face painted white) standing in the middle of what almost looked like a copy of the Cell Games Arena.
"I am Perfect Cell!" Not–Perfect-Cell declared dramatically as she faced the camera. "And I will destroy this awful, rotten, imperfect world! No one will be able to stop me!"
"That's where you're wrong!" A voice cried out. Not-Perfect-Cell spun around and the camera panned over her shoulder to show–
"Is that supposed to be me?!" Vegeta asked angrily as he jabbed an accusatory finger toward the giant screens, already in a murderous rage. The collection of clearly-not-the-gang was being played by a collection of B-list actors whose glory days were behind them and young unknowns who might someday make it big, in which case this whole little episode would make nothing more than an amusing fun fact at the bottom of their filmography. Vegeta, for his part, was being played by a horse-man former sitcom actor who was trying his hand at more "serious" roles who was very clearly wearing a muscle suit along with his spiked blond wig.
"Hey," Trunks asked his mother, "How come one of those guys kinda looks like he's supposed to be me?"
"I'll… uhhh… I'll tell you when you're older," Bulma lied as Trunks squinted at her inquisitively.
"Who are you?" Not-Perfect-Cell asked, no doubt echoing the questions of our heroes.
"We are the champions of this world," said the woman who had spoken earlier who was clearly supposed to be Goku (and being someone that was well-known, at least mostly looked like her).
"Yeah," added 'Krillin' in a high voice. "And we won't let you destroy our world!"
"Is that supposed to be me?!" Krillin echoed. "Did… did they get a kid?!" He didn't think he'd ever felt more offended in his life. "They know who I am! They know I'm almost forty, right?!"
"Hey, at least you got a better deal than Launch," Suno pointed out. "At least your actor kinda looks like you and you're not being played by a raccoon."
"Even I, the Demon King, shall stand against your evil!" Gecko-Piccolo proclaimed with the orotund delivery of a classically-trained actor. Piccolo closed his eyes and counted to ten, over and over, until the desire to kill them all went away. The others had their own various mutterings as the "documentary" unfolded in front of them, with the exception of Goku, Suno, Lazuli, and Gohan, who actually found the whole thing pretty funny. Especially when Notku and NopeCell started 'fighting' on wires and were pushed away from one another, left to flail hopelessly in the air until they flew toward each other once again.
"Noooooo!" Not-Goku cried 'dramatically' as she and the other fighters lay defeated at Decidedly-Not-Perfect Cell's feet. "I've been… defeated! I don't have the strength to go on!" 'Cell' threw back her head and laughed ridiculously.
"The mightiest warriors of Earth have fallen!" she crowed triumphantly. "Now no one shall stand in my way!"
"That's where you're wrong!" 'Gohan' told her defiantly as he struggled to his feet. Videl actually gave a little cheer at that as he continued. "I'll keep fighting you! I'll never stop!" Not-Even-Close Cell laughed derisively.
"You?" she asked mockingly. "You can't defeat me, little boy! You're all alone!"
"That's what you think, Cell!" cried a voice from high above, full of triumphant bravado. The camera panned over to a pile of rocks conveniently shaped like a ramp before 'Hercule', played by a fairly prominent Dog–man actor (a golden retriever, specifically), came hurtling over said ramp on a winged motorcycle, the lens flare flashing like crazy across its polished exterior before Dogcule flung the bike at More-Like-Adequate Cell, knocking her away and landing at 'Gohan's' side. The audience went fucking wild.
Videl just rolled her eyes with a smile and shook her head. 'Oh, dad…'
"Oh, you've gotta be fuckin' kidding me," Tenshinhan grumbled from the luxury box. He was still irritated, not that they hadn't gotten an actual triclops to play him but because the false eye they'd put on his actor's forehead was of such shoddy material. He'd seen it nearly fall off three times.
"Gohan," Poochcule said to Nothan as he turned to him and put a paw on his shoulder. "You and I can beat Cell! But only if we work together. Whaddaya say?"
"Yeah!" Only-kinda-han replied enthusiastically as he got into his (mediocre) fighting stance. "Let's do it!" Ludicrous Cell got to her feet and Nohan and Houndcule ran at her with a cry as the audience roared. They knocked Cell under the chin with a teaming uppercut that sent her flying into the air to, for no discernible reason, explode.
"Nooooo!" Cell wailed despite the fact she was exploding. "This isn't fair! I'm perfect! I'm Perfect!"
"Well, at least they got that part right," Gohan muttered with a roll of his eyes.
"Curse you, Hercuuuuule!"
"Aaaaand never mind." The movie ended on a freeze-frame of Hercanine standing dramatically with his back to the explosion that transformed into another oil painting of that same shot, only with the real Hercule this time as 'Fin' came across the screen in a font far too fancy for the entire production.
"Ah jeez," Hercule muttered with his face in his hands, barely peeking out between his fingers out of embarrassment. He'd seen the whole thing from his private office and was now seriously considering faking a sudden bout of deathly illness just to avoid going back outside. "That was not what they pitched to me."
"I'm going to kill him," Vegeta informed the others simply. "He is going to die."
"Aw, come on, you guys!" Goku protested playfully when she noticed that no one else was in a rush to say 'Don't', "Lighten up! It's not that big of a deal."
"Yeah," Suno added, "It's not like anyone really bought that." Vegeta merely gestured angrily to the fans screaming Hercule's name.
"Fighters, please make your way toward the ring," came a monotone voice over the intercom that definitely didn't belong to Ken. "Fighters, please assemble in the order you drew your numbers and make your way toward the ring." Suspiciously, Hercule was nowhere to be seen as the others filed in order.
"Hey, Upa!" Goku said cheerfully as she walked behind him. "Looks like we might be fighting. That'd be pretty neat!"
"Oh, yeah," Upa replied with forced cheerfulness. "Really, really… neat." He clearly was not entirely thrilled by the prospect of that encounter. The crowd cheered as the fighters walked out into the middle of the ring and, now that they were standing in the center of it, they could really appreciate just how massive the audience was. Tens of thousands of people packed into the stadium, all cheering their heads off.
"Wow," Krillin muttered as he looked around and nodded approvingly. "Now this is a crowd!" There were an estimated 1.3 million people watching on pay-per-view as well, which wasn't bad considering that the only previously-announced entrant was Hercule.
"Lllladiieesss aaaand Gentleman!" Ken crowed as he powerslid in front of the group before popping to his feet. "Are you ready for the Tenkaichi Budoukai?" As the crowd cheered, Suno couldn't hide her irritation in thinking that they'd been 'ready' for the past hour. "Let's hear a big round of applause for our fighters! First, the new arrivals! Pintar!" The enormous man threw up his enormous, jiggling arms to a decent amount of applause. "Xī!" She nodded her head at another respectable round of applause. "Kibito!" He didn't even blink. "Yamu!" There was a bit of applause although there were also some boos from those who knew he was the younger brother of Spopovich. "Upa!" He flexed and grinned to the cheers and whistles of the crowd. "Vegeta!" The crowd cheered loudly at this, actually knowing who he was, and Vegeta played up to it a little bit. His vanity wouldn't allow him to ignore hundreds of people cheering in his name. "Mighty Mask!" The cheers for the somewhat-local hero were almost as loud as they were for Vegeta, which gave the King no small measure of annoyance. "Lazuli!" The crowd cheered, mostly because she was a very attractive woman, and she smiled and gave them what could only be called a "sarcastic wave." "The inaugural Junior Budoukai Champion and daughter of Hercule, Videl!" The crowd roared and Videl smiled and waved, although she wished Ken had just left it at the part about her winning the Junior Budoukai. "Aaaand the Great Saiyaman!" The crowd went berserk as The Great Saiyaman laughed and posed for them and they chanted his name.
"Wow," Bulma muttered, her eyebrows raising in surprise. "I guess Gohan's hobby was more popular than I thought." She wondered if anyone else had tried to move in on the licensing rights to The Great Saiyaman yet…
"Now for our returning finalists!" Ken proclaimed. "Give it up for Krillin!" The crowd cheered and chanted "Bald Tiger!" as Krillin flashed them the peace sign like Jackie Chun used to do. "Son Suno!" The crowd cheered and whistled again, with a couple of those in attendance apparently being from their neighborhood, as they held up signs for her, all mostly in the vein of "We love you, Mrs. Suno!" One particularly bold young man's sign even declared "Blow a kiss here!" She smirked and obliged him. "Majunior!" Piccolo crossed his arms and an uncomfortable murmur passed through the crowd. Apparently, the "History" lesson had reminded them all that, yes, he had tried to kill them all at some point. "Spopovich!" The crowd booed voraciously and hurled abuse at the enormous bald man, who seemed as if he were five seconds away from leaping into the crowd and eating people alive. "The 23rd Tenkaichi Budoukai Champion," Ken announced, "Son Goku!" Goku smiled and waved as the crowd went wild and a chant for her actually broke out, which Vegeta frowned at indignantly. He didn't get a chant… "And lastly…" Ken declared as smoke started to fill the arena. "The reigning, defending Tenkaichi Budoukai Champion, the Hero of the World…" Ken was interrupted by a rocking guitar riff that blasted over the arena speakers.
"When it comes crashin' down and hurts inside!" The singer's voice cried as Suno realized that Hercule had another theme song. "You gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide! If you hurt my friends, then you hurt my pride! I gotta be a man, I can't let it slide!" Hercule emerged from the smoke with a roar as flames and pyrotechnics went off all around him, accentuated by laser lights that swept through the smoke. "I am the Great Hercule Satan! Fight for the rights of every man! I am the Great Hercule Satan! Fight for what's right, fight for your life!"
"Hercuuuuule Sataaaaan!" Ken crowed somewhat perfunctorily as the crowd went absolutely berserk, chanting and screaming Hercule's name over the screaming guitar riff as they clapped and stomped their feet. 'At least they cut out the second verse,' Ken thought to himself, thankful that his sunglasses hid just how hard he was rolling his eyes. After Ken announced who would be fighting who, the fighters who weren't Krillin and Pintar left the ring as the crowd quieted down once their savior was no longer out of sight.
"Hey, Hercule," Suno asked, "Is that whole act really… I dunno, necessary?" Hercule just gave a bit of an embarrassed shrug.
"The people kinda expect it from me at this point, y'know? A little song, little dance. Doesn't really hurt anybody, right? It's just fun." Suno nodded and supposed that was true. "Plus," Hercule added, "Every time I do that kinda thing, my action figure sales triple."
"Action figures?" Vegeta echoed before he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Maybe he should get his own theme song…
Back in the ring, Pintar gave Krillin a smug smile as he towered over him. Krillin, for his part, just looked kind of bored. Did this guy really think he was intimidating? Even just going by his Budoukai record, Krillin had fought a dragon when he was thirteen. Pintar was just a really fat guy.
"Is daddy gonna be okay?" Marron asked worriedly from the luxury box. "That guy's really big!"
"Don't you worry," Yamcha assured her. "Your dad's one of the strongest guys I know. In fact, he's probably the strongest human in the world!" He had to add quite a few caveats onto that sentence so that he wasn't a liar.
"I'll give you one chance, little man," Pintar taunted as he waved one of his huge fingers in Krillin's face. "Just get out of the ring now and nobody has to get hurt!" Krillin looked up at him curiously, one eyebrow raised.
"Wait," Krillin asked, "Do you not know who I am?" Pintar bellowed and brought down one of his huge fists to break open Krillin's head like a walnut, which Krillin stopped with a finger to Pintar's disbelief. "Seriously," Krillin continued, "Have you not heard of me?" He was actually a little offended. Pintar screamed with rage, making his enormous belly wobble, and swung down his other fist. Krillin just rolled his eyes and flicked Pintar in the stomach with his finger, sending him flying up over the crowd and into the sky, like a beach ball that had been kicked really hard.
"Ring… out?" Ken guessed after ten seconds. "Krillin is the winner!" The crowd cheered as Krillin strutted to the back and Ken shook his head. He'd really missed these guys.