Natasha wakes up next to a heater.
She frowns, turns her head to the side, and realizes the heater's name is Matt Murdock.
Whatever. This is fine.
(No it isn't.)
Something about her breathing or her heart rate must wake him up, because Matt stirs and mumbles something incomprehensible.
She turns fully onto her side to watch him, because he's cute like this: restful, entire body relaxed in sleep. She wonders if the quiet is soothing for him or if it takes adjustment. That had been part of the reason Clint had been so eager to get him to come here.
Eventually, Matt whispers, "Good sleep?" His eyes are still closed, and she's still using the limited time they have to examine him. This close, she can see his eyelashes, and the tiny cut at the edge of his eyebrow.
"Good sleep," she whispers back in the quiet of the morning and the delicate balance that they have.
Matt's lips curl into a faint smile. "That's good."
Natasha dares to wrap an arm around his body and lay her head on his chest. There's no resistance. Instead, he wraps an arm around her back like whatever this is, whatever they have going on, is natural.
Maybe it is. She thinks too hard about these things sometimes.
"You're warm," she says.
He laughs softly. "Can't be your furnace forever, Nat."
"You can if you try hard enough."
"I'm not exactly trying."
"Shut up, Counselor. Let me dream."
"Shutting up."
Usually, after Natasha wakes up, she can't go back to sleep, but she actually manages to this time around.
That's probably because, for once, she doesn't feel like a coward for wanting to be warm and held. Right now, it feels brave to do so, to let down her walls and allow Matt to see in, to show him this vulnerable side of her, to let someone else have the watch, even if there are no active threats to be found.
When she opens her eyes again, it's because Matt is pulling away.
"Come back," she grumbles, reaching for him as he sits up and stretches.
"The kids are waking up," he tells her.
Natasha groans and throws an arm over her eyes, because Lila has a tendency to barge in when she knows her Auntie Nat's here.
Just in time, she can hear the patter of small footsteps in the hallway.
But this time, Clint stops his daughter right outside the door, presumably scooping her up into his arms, because she laughs in delight. Natasha smiles fondly and prepares to get up and face the day, but then she hears Clint say, "Don't bother them yet. They need their beauty sleep."
"Them?" Lila asks excitedly as they go back down the hall and away from the bedroom. "Is Uncle Matt in there too?"
Matt chokes on air in the middle of shrugging on a sweater.
Natasha laughs. It shouldn't be that amusing; she'd been even more lost and out of her depth when she had first held Lila in her arms. But Matt always tries his best to be in control, knowing far more than a normal person should, so it is sort of endearing whenever he is caught off guard.
She finally gets up, passing Matt on the way to the bathroom. She still doesn't know what's going on between them, but she gives in to the urge to press a kiss to his forehead.
Maybe whatever's going on doesn't need to be said.
Maybe feeling is enough.
When Natasha walks into the kitchen, Lila says, "Auntie Nat!" She runs over, and Natasha swings her up into her arms.
"Hi guys," she says brightly, giving Cooper a hug too when he runs over to wrap his arms around her waist. "Was breakfast good?"
"Daddy made pancakes," Cooper says, looking up at her with the happiness and contentment in his eyes that Natasha wishes she had had, all that time ago.
"Yummy pancakes," Lila confirms, "with blueberries."
"But we also like your pancakes," Cooper whispers loudly.
Natasha smiles. "Thank you."
"I slave away to make blueberry pancakes for you guys, and this is how you thank me? By flocking to Auntie Nat?" Clint asks, towel over his shoulder and hands on his hips and looking very much like a dad.
"But Daddy," Lila says as Natasha sets her back on the ground, "we see you more than Auntie Nat, so I hafta give her a huge hug."
Clint lets out a huge, dramatic sigh. "I guess so…"
Matt, who's been hiding right outside the doorway this whole time, walks in much more sedately.
He stops a few steps in and waves awkwardly. "Hi."
Clint crouches so he's somewhat at eye-level with both Cooper and Lila, and points at Matt. "This is my friend, remember? I told you about him."
"Uncle Matt?" Cooper asks.
"Yup."
Matt's still frozen in place. Laura pats his shoulder in pity as she moves past him towards the sink.
After a few moments of the kids sizing this new person up, Lila says, "Yay!" She runs over to Matt, grabs his hand, and drags him towards the dining table, where there are still pancakes.
"Oh, okay," Matt says, so out of his depth as Lila bullies him into sitting in a chair.
"He's cool," Cooper declares at last.
"The pancakes have blue spots but they're blueberries not germs," Lila is saying, very seriously. "And Daddy cut mine to be a bear but your pancakes are just circles."
Matt frowns. "Why aren't mine bear-shaped?"
"That's what I said!" She turns to shoot a dismayed look at Clint. "Daddy, why didn't you make Uncle Matt bear pancakes?"
"Oh no, they've ganged up on me," Clint says.
Laura laughs. "You brought this on yourself."
Matt lets out a shaky breath. "You bought Braille UNO cards?" he asks, voice more high-pitched than normal.
Natasha thinks he might actually cry.
Clint throws a casual arm around his shoulders. "Of course," he says. "Who else am I going to beat at this game?"
Matt shoves him out of his chair.
"Didn't you start Daredevil to save a kid?" Natasha asks as they sit beside each other on the hanging porch swing, with Lila dozing between them, head on Natasha's arm.
"Yeah, but it wasn't…like this," Matt says, poking Lila gently on the cheek. "They're not hurt, so I'm not actively needed. I'm just here, as me, and that's enough, somehow."
"A lot of kids are easy like that. They take what they can get." She smiles, listening to Clint attempt to teach Cooper the very, very basics of archery. "I don't know if you can tell, but Lila and Cooper adore you."
"And is that a good thing?"
Maybe this would be something someone else would laugh off, but Natasha knows exactly how he feels. "I thought the very same thing when I first met them, but now they've just become part of my life. You wouldn't have met them if Clint and Laura didn't trust you. You're a better influence than you think, I promise."
"Okay," Matt says finally. He gives her a rueful smile. "It's just hard to believe, sometimes."
"I'll always be here to remind you."
Matt tries out one of Clint's bows.
"Oh god," he says. "I don't have the right kind of arm strength for this."
Matt certainly has some arm strength, as evidenced by his toned muscles that Natasha pays way too much attention to, but she isn't going to tell him that.
"Just try," Clint tells him, already prepared to make fun of him.
Matt shoots a glare at him and then shoots the arrow. He hits a bullseye. Clint's jaw drops.
"I know I hit it, but I can't tell if I hit it in the middle or not," Matt says, dropping out of his stance. "Can you see it from here or do we have to go check?"
"What the fuck," Clint says.
Natasha frowns. "Okay, that was definitely luck. You can't be amazing at that many things."
"What the fuck!"
Something about seeing Matt interact with the kids makes her go all warm on the inside. He's helping Cooper build some sort of Lego tower, and Natasha gives Clint the finger when he's about to open his mouth to make fun of her staring for so long.
Clint mimes zipping his lips closed. After a few moments, he says, "Probably gonna build another guest bedroom or two."
Natasha raises an eyebrow. "After you invited Matt over?"
"Didn't get the idea until today."
"That's convenient."
Matt, who had probably missed the latter half of the conversation, casually asks, "A new bedroom for the baby?"
A few moments of silence. Even Natasha has to pause for a moment. She frowns and eyes Laura very, very closely.
"Oh, uh, was I not supposed to say that?" Matt says, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. "If it was supposed to be a secret, I'm sorry."
"You're pregnant?" Clint asks, voice a little shrill.
"I need to buy a pregnancy test," Laura says, her expression a mix of troubled and excited.
"You didn't know?!" Matt asks in horror. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be sorry! This is good news!"
"Are you sure?"
Laura sighs and smiles gently at him, even if he can't appreciate it. "Matt, I've had two kids. I'm sure."
"I'm not sure we can handle a third," Natasha muses. "These two are already crazy enough."
"Hey!" Lila protests, looking up from her crayon drawing.
"What's happening?" Cooper asks.
Nobody answers him.
"Holy shit, Matt," Clint says, pressing a hand to Laura's stomach as if he can sense anything that way. "You're better than an ultrasound."
"Holy shit!" Cooper parrots.
"Oh no."
Natasha notices that Matt's hands are ever so slightly bruised when she grabs one to drag him outside and listen to the crickets chirp together. She wishes he could see the blinking lights of the fireflies and the twinkling lights of the stars, so she describes the world around them for him, so that maybe he can see through her eyes.
Afterwards, a bit bashfully, she says, "I'm not as good at words as you are."
"You're good enough," Matt tells her simply. They're still holding hands, and he brings her hand up to brush a kiss against her knuckles in an unusually chivalrous act.
Natasha can't say she isn't charmed by it.
(She also can't say that she's been yearning for what feels like forever for this, for someone who understands her and sees through all her walls to cradle her bloodstained hands and tell her that she's worth it.)
"Do you like it here?" Natasha asks him eventually, stepping closer so she can feel his warmth.
"It's…quiet," Matt answers. "Quiet is good." He frowns, tilting his head just slightly. "My brain still feels like it's on overdrive, though, too used to processing more sensory information at once."
"Can't turn it off?" Natasha asks curiously.
Matt presses a hand to her back so that he can feel her heartbeat as well as hear it. "No, but it's nice to have something to focus on."
Natasha is surprisingly flattered. She doesn't know what to say to that.
She moves forward even more and rests a hand to his chest so she can feel his heartbeat, too, slow and calm and soothing. She wonders what it must feel like, to hear something like that all the time, knowing the world is never fully asleep around you.
Is it a comfort or a curse?
She's not sure if she wants to bring that up to Matt right now, not when they are so close and the world feels peaceful all around them, for once. They are surrounded by grass and fireflies and open air, and the rest of the world seems so far away.
"Matt?" she says, very quietly.
"Yes, Natasha?" he asks. She loves how his voice curls around the syllables and letters of her name.
She tilts her head up, lips brushing his jaw. "Is this okay?" she murmurs.
He tilts his head down so that their lips are not quite touching, and he brings a hand up to grab the one on his chest, brushing a thumb across her knuckles gently, so gently. His eyes are blank and scarred, and Natasha thinks they're beautiful as he says, "Yes, as long as it's okay for you."
They finally take the plunge, lips pressed seamlessly together. Matt cups her face and Natasha wraps her arms around his shoulders, and they change the angle together so it's even more perfect, and she gets completely and utterly lost in the taste and feel and warmth of him.
When they break apart, breathing heavily, Natasha can't think of anything to say. Matt lets out an airy little laugh, closes his eyes, and leans in again.
Maybe it is sweeter, for the waiting.
When they eventually go back inside, Natasha ignores the knowing look Clint gives her. She probably has a sappy smile on her face.
Matt is warm by her side. It doesn't matter.
Natasha's eyes snap open and she tries to bite back whatever it is that wants to escape from her throat—probably a scream.
The itch is back and she eyes the corner of the bed, where a pair of handcuffs hangs that Clint has expressed concern about but Matt has studiously not mentioned.
She closes her eyes and tries to drift off again, listening to the sound of Matt's quiet, even breaths, but she can't.
She can't, she can't, she just…
She sucks in a breath and tries to let it out slowly, but it's too quick, her breathing. Whatever she's doing isn't working. She doesn't think Matt would shame her for having to do this, to tether herself to something real, but she doesn't want to, is the thing. She feels like she's so damaged, and this would only be concrete confirmation. They finally took the first step and she doesn't want to do that to him. It's just so unfair. Why does this itch have to come back right after a win? Why can't she have this? Why does life have to take and take and—
"Hey," Matt says, voice so very gentle. She's so undeserving of it. He rolls over onto his side, a line of warmth along her back.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, and she hates that her voice is shaking. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry." Tears are prickling at her eyes and she closes them tightly, willing them away, wondering all the while if he can taste the salt.
"Shh," is all he says, and it is absurdly soothing. He wraps his arms around her and presses a kiss to her shoulder.
"Matt," she starts. She doesn't even know what she wants to say, that she's so fucking damaged and it's so unfair to him? (But he would understand, wouldn't he?)
"Shh," Matt says again, cutting through all of her shields. He reaches over, because he somehow knows, and grabs her wrist in a loose hold that she could escape from if she really wanted to. He presses a gentle kiss to the inside of her wrist, right over her pulse point, and holds it against her chest.
Natasha's words are stuck inside her throat.
"I'm here, Nat," he murmurs. "I've got you."
"I trust you," she whispers, closing her eyes and willing her body to untense (it's easy to do so with his warmth around her).
"I know."
When she wakes, it is a peaceful awakening, without the memory of having fallen asleep. Matt is already awake, thumb rubbing the thin skin of her wrist over and over. He presses a kiss to the back of her neck as a way of letting her know that he knows she's awake.
She turns over and presses her face into his chest, wrapping her arms around him as a thank you.
In hindsight, she doesn't think that kiss really changed how they've been acting this entire time.
She usually feels pretty terrible after a rough night like that, but she must seem worse than usual, because Clint gives her a truly concerned look. "What's wrong?" he asks, voice hushed.
Natasha shakes her head. She can't quite articulate it right now. All she says is, "Just keep reminding me to let myself have this."
"What is 'this'?"
Natasha glares at him. "Don't play dumb. You know what."
The third and last night with Matt (for now) goes much better, as no one freaks out.
Well, Natasha does freak out, but not in a teary, panicky way.
When her eyes snap open, she gasps and immediately sits up in bed.
"Matt," she hisses, shoving at his shoulder until he mumbles what seems to be her name. "He set us up."
Matt frowns, eyes still closed. "Hm?"
"Clint, he set us up!"
"Hmm…"
"Matt, Clint set us up!"
"Well, the only one bed thing was pretty obvious," Matt says, voice raspy and hair tousled from sleep.
Natasha smiles at him with half of her being, because the other half is set on resentment. "No, I meant since the beginning. He's been pushing us together before we even met!"
After a few moments, Matt says, "Well shit. I think you're right."
"I'm going to kill him," Natasha declares, throwing the blanket aside and moving to get out of bed.
Matt grumbles, throwing his arms around her waist and holding her hostage. "In the morning," he says sleepily.
"I'm going to kill him!" Natasha repeats, halfheartedly fighting Matt's grip.
"And I'll help you," Matt tells her, "but in the morning."
Natasha sighs, relaxing against him again. "Fine," she says, "but only because I like you."
After this, I've got two more humorous one-shots written already, but not edited. I eventually plan to write a Civil War with lawyers AU, but no idea when I'm actually going to get to that, because Life.