why hello my fellow gremlins. HAPPY 2025! I cant believe I haven't updated since October...to me, I feel like I just posted but ADHD life! I've been sitting on this chapter for a few months, so here it is! FEEDING TIME! *zooms spoon of angst in ur mouth*

Hope all of yall are having a good start to the new year!!!! 333333

--

"Damn it, you shithead! Ugh!" Elizabeth shouted at the TV, vigorously smashing the buttons on her pink video game controller. She rolled onto her knees, leaning forward over the couch, totally focused on the screen.

It was pretty hilarious to watch Liz morph into a raging lunatic. The bubbly, sweet thing she usually was had left the room the second I agreed to play with her.

She was good. Really good. She beat my ass multiple times already, but this time I finally was getting a leg up on her.

"Yes! YES! Ohhhhhhhhh!" I smashed the buttons like a psycho until I finally destroyed her character. "Hell yeah!" I tossed the controller aside and threw my hands in the air.

"You fucking fuck!" Liz threw her controller down, stood up, and paced around the room. "I almost had it! Ugh!"

"Nah, you really didn't. What, you can't give me just one damn win?"

She hissed at me like a cat.

"Go dunk your head in some ice water, ya loser."

"Don't tell me how to live!"

She plopped down on the couch next to me, arms crossed, breathing heavily.

It was a nice end to a long day of working on broken cars all day. Business was booming since school was back in session. Parents' cars were breaking down left and right and they needed them fixed to take their brats to school. It's all good for me, though, cause I made a boatload of money in the past couple of days. Seriously, I'd never had so much cash in my life. My old man would be proud.

"Okay, I'm calm. But I still don't forgive you!" Liz whined.

"Well, what if I gave you this last donut?" I taunted, reaching over to the donut box on the end table beside me. I plucked out the remaining coffee crumb donut and waved it in the air, causing crumbs to fall onto the couch.

She peaked at me from the corner of her eye, arms still crossed, fighting a smile.

I tossed the donut to her, and she quickly uncrossed her arms to catch it, further solidifying her impressive hand-eye coordination.

She nibbled on it immediately. "Okay. Forgiven. For now."

"Seriously though, what the hell, Liz? That was the only time I heard you curse like that."

She giggled.

"I can't help it. I get heated!"

"No, you get homicidal."

"The game is to kill your opponent, is it not?!"

"True, true."

Liz and I were cool—thank god. I mean, aside from her going ballistic on me playing Mortal Kombat, we were becoming closer friends. Now that I laid everything out on the table, it felt easy. I even played wingman for her at the WAG last night, though she wasn't really interested in any of the guys.

It was also kinda cool to have someone to talk to. Whatever weird wall between us was gone, and there was no pressure on us to be anything more. We both knew that being anything more than friends would never work and honestly, the idea made me sick. Again, not that she was gross. Just that I couldn't be with anyone. Not for a while.

Great thing about it all was that I didn't feel weird using her shower anymore.

Swallowing the last bites of the donut, Liz flipped open her phone, and instantly, her energy shifted. Upon reading whatever was on the screen, her face dropped.

She stared at it for a while before I could tell she was fighting tears.

"You good?" I asked, but she didn't look at me.

"I don't know."

"What's up?"

She rested her arm on the couch's armrest and buried her face in her inner elbow.

"Liz, what happened?"

"It's my dad," she mumbled. "He texted to let me know he bought vacation property in New York and will stay there for a while longer."

What the hell was up with this dude? …And exactly how rich was he that he could casually afford that?

"Jeez. What do you think he's been doing over there?"

"I really have no idea."

"Does he have another family or something? A new wife?"

She pulled herself up, wiped her face, and looked at me, perplexed.

"No? Why would you think that?"

Wasn't it obvious?

"Well, what is it then? He travels alone all over the States? And now he's just buying property in New York on a whim?"

She winced and contemplated as if it were the first time she considered that idea. I think it actually was the first time she considered it.

"Why wouldn't he tell me something like that though?"

Wasn't it wild how people could be so goddamn blinded by someone they loved?

"I mean, it seems like you're kept in the dark about everything."

Her face fell even more.

"But, hey, that's just a theory, I don't know shit. It's just weird. It's weird he leaves you here all alone."

"It's lonely, sure, but a lot of parents have to travel for work and things like that. It isn't that weird. I'm sure your dad has gone for periods of time, too."

I clicked my tongue. "Yeah, for work, that's normal for people, I guess. And nah, my old man never left; he had to stop working 'cause he became disabled."

"Wait. He's disabled? Is he okay on his own right now?"

"Yeah, he's self-sufficient. I helped him out, but he refused help a lot, too."

She looked at me long and hard with an accusatory look. "Jacob."

"What?"

"You need to call him soon."

"Cut it out; we're not talking about my shit right now. Did your dad say anything else?"

"No, that was it." Her gaze fell to the closed phone in her lap. "I would be fine with him going away every so often; having the house to myself isn't the worst thing ever. In a way, it feels a little silly to complain or be upset. He sends me enough money that I don't have to work. I just wish that we could've done some of the things he promised me."

"Like that road trip to the States?"

She nodded.

I stared at the basement walls that were littered with her dad's memorabilia. Lotta sports crap, lotta signed country records.

I was grateful to have a dad that wasn't like Liz's. It pissed me off that he could just walk out and not say anything to his own daughter.

How ironic.

I knew I wasn't responsible for Billy, still, I knew I was being a shitty son.

But I didn't wanna think about any of that right now.

I sighed and looked back at Liz, who twiddled with the controller, bored and upset.

"Hey, Liz?"

Her head popped up.

"Wanna see the States?"

"What do you mean?!"

"I mean, wanna go do that road trip you were supposed to do with your dad?"

"Do you mean it?! You'd want to?!"

I stroked my chin.

"Why the hell not?"

Liz jumped up from the couch and hopped around excitedly.

"Hey, calm down. If we're driving your shit-mobile, I'll have to fix a few things. Gotta see if it would even be able to handle it. Did you have it planned out? Which states you wanna see?"

"Oh, it'll be fine, and if anything happens on the road, you're a mechanic!"

I frowned.

"Can't revive something that dies, but I think it should hold up. I'll have to see."

"And yes! The original plan was that I was going to drive the ZJ and meet my dad in Seattle since it's only like a two-hour drive. Then we would keep my car in a garage while we did the rest of the trip in his nice, expensive, functioning car to Portland, San Fran, then LA!"

"Okay, I'm not sure it would make it all the way to LA, but—"

"That's fine! I'll be happy to see any of it! When can we go?"

Then I remembered something. Genius, Jacob, just genius.

"After I inspect the thing. But wait, there's kinda something else."

"What is it?"

"I sort of don't have a passport on me," I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Huh? How did you even get here in the first place then?"

I stared down at my hands.

"There's kind of a few…undefended entry points along the border. Super easy to get past."

"Um, what? I don't understand. Why didn't you just bring your passport with you?"

Ughhhh. Having to explain things to non-wolf humans was exhausting sometimes.

"I forgot it. Just trust me, it isn't a big deal. Plus, I'm a US citizen; I gotta get back somehow, right? Well, this is the only way."

"I don't know, Jacob…"

"I swear it will be fine. Neither of us will be at risk. Trust me, if I thought we were, I wouldn't be so confident. You wanna go, yeah?"

"Yes, but-"

"Wanna go early tomorrow morning?"

Her eyes lit up despite her obvious hesitation.

"Really?! Tomorrow?"

——

At around 5 AM, I finished replacing a few things on the ZJ and took it out for a drive. It was in decent enough shape to do a trip. We probably weren't going to get down to LA, but it was the best it was gonna get.

I pulled into her driveway and slipped out of the car. Liz was already outside with her suitcase, yawning. Her hair was bunched together in one big braid over her shoulder. She wore a turquoise sweater with white skinny jeans and turquoise boots, a major contrast from my black t-shirt and black jeans.

"You all packed?" I asked, grabbing the suitcase handle. "Got your passport?"

"Yes! Should be everything. I might've packed more than needed, but it's always better to overpack than under pack."

The thing was busting at the seams. I'm not even sure how it zipped up.

"Alright, let's go."

I tossed the suitcase in the trunk as she got in the driver's seat.

When I climbed in beside her, Liz looked nervous.

I thought I eased her nerves about this yesterday, but today was clearly a new day.

"Are you really sure about this?"

"God, Liz, yes, for the millionth time."

"Okay, okay. What's the street name I'm dropping you off at?"

"Beach Road. It's the last road before customs, by the forest. I'll direct you to it."

Liz was quiet and unsteady for the entire 5-minute drive. I really didn't want to make her anxious, but I understood why she was. I'd be worried too if my absurdly big human friend told me he was trying to sneak past border patrol. Honestly, I'm shocked she even agreed to this, but Liz was kinda fucking weird, so I guess it made sense.

She slowed down when we reached the road right by the water at the very edge of the forest. Cautiously, she looked around out the rear window. If I were actually hopping the border, we would've looked super sus right now.

"Right here? How far is the border? Will you have to walk very far?" she asked.

"Okay, so listen. You'll pass the border and show them your passport; they'll ask some questions, but don't be nervous; you don't have anything to hide. Plus, they do this all day. Then you're going to drive to the Chevron in Blaine, Washington. Put it in the GPS. That's where you'll meet me."

"How long will it take you to get there?"

I contemplated this because I knew I couldn't be there before her, so I had to drag it out a bit.

"It'll probably take me an hour. So just get some gas, wait in the lot."

That should've been enough time for a human to walk that far. I think?

"O-okay. What if you're not there in an hour?"

"I'll be there, don't worry. If I never show up, then go live it up in Cali. Means they took my ass in." I snorted.

"Jacob!"

"Live a little, Liz. I promise it'll be fine. I'm gonna get going now. See you in an hour. Maybe less, I dunno, I'll be running. I'm, uh, a fast runner."

"Okay. See you," she said with unease.

I grabbed my backpack from the floor and ducked out the car door, closing it behind me. She turned down the road that was nestled between two thick forests, which I then jogged into.

I went deep enough in the forest where no one could see me, stripped off my clothes, and stuffed them in my backpack. Seagulls chirped overhead; it almost sounded like they were laughing at me. Feeling way too exposed in an area that was likely highly monitored, I immediately threw myself forward to phase.

As always, it was effortless.

Taking the shoulder strap of my bag with my teeth, I headed straight past the trees. The forest didn't stretch out too far—it ended at the Peace Arch—so I'd have to quickly and efficiently get out of the woods, down to the shore.

The best part of being a wolf?

The rules didn't apply to you.

I ran fast, keeping myself on high alert for any humans in the area; luckily, it was just me and the dirt for now.

When I got to the edge of the narrow forest, I peered out to the highway just to my left. To the right was the shore.

I bolted down towards the beach without allowing myself to overthink. It wasn't an actual beach though, just a skinny stretch of sand along the water. There shouldn't be any humans further down, maybe some fishermen, if permitted. But there weren't any last time, so hopefully, I wouldn't have to scare the hell out of anyone today.

I propelled my paws faster, kicking up the sand behind me.

This was the riskiest part. Coming up to the left was the US border crossing. Did they have guards all around, even in the ocean? You're damn right. I just had to be quick enough for them to either: One. Not see me. Two. Have them think they saw me and then realize they were fucking crazy for seeing a gigantic wolf running by the ocean. Or Three. If they saw me and decided to go after me, I would outrun them.

The beach was also lower down than the highway, so people in their cars weren't likely to see me; if they did, well, at least they'd have a story to tell. Being alpha made it easier to not give a fuck about stuff like that as much now.

It stretched on for a bit, probably another 5 minutes of running until I hit the edge of the shoreline where the trees would shield me again.

I heard boat horns in the distance, so I pushed myself faster through the sand until I made my way into the small patch of green at the water's edge.

When I was safe in the middle of the trees, I spit out the backpack on the ground and phased back. Quickly, I dumped out my clothes from the bag and pulled them on.

It was completely possible that I beat Liz. There could've been a line of traffic, or the agents could've been giving her a hard time. Since, in her world, it wouldn't be humanly possible for me to be there before her, I now had 40 minutes to kill.

—-

Liz looked like a deer in headlights when she saw me walking up to the ZJ in the Chevron parking lot. I gestured for her to get out of the car and to follow me inside the gas station mini-mart. She did, but she hesitantly trailed behind me.

"Why is your shirt on backward?" Liz whispered behind me as I opened the door to the store.

Goddamnit. I had all that time to kill yet…

"Tell you later." Hopefully, she'd forget. "Pick out whatever snacks you want. Let's load up."

We collected armfuls of chips, cookies, trail mixes, donuts, jerky and other non-

nutritious snacks. I also fixed my shirt in the bathroom.

Liz still seemed a little paranoid when we checked out but seemed to ease up when we returned to the car.

"Ready?" I asked, adjusting the driver's seat and rearview mirror.

"Yes. I think we're properly stocked up."

When we were on the road, she repeatedly looked behind us.

"No one's after us. Promise."

"How did you do it? I mean, really, Jacob, I don't understand. I have to be honest, I am nervous they're tracking you and are now following the car."

"It's not possible. Trust."

She exhaled.

"Okay. Okay. So you really just…hopped it?"

"Mhm."

I put on the radio and skipped past the static till it landed on a metal station. I didn't know the name of the song, but whatever it was, I'd heard it before—Embry had played it countless times in the garage.

Liz couldn't stand it, but I reveled in her distaste for it as she stuffed her fingers in her ears. Halfway through the song, she switched it to a pop station, and I almost welcomed the obnoxious karaoke distraction that ensued.

One hour into the drive to Seattle, after a stretch of silence between us, she spoke.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"What part of Washington are you from?"

I stayed focused on the highway, adjusting my hunched-over position.

"Uh, it's a ways away from here, about another four hours from Seattle, on the coast."

She paused, picking at her nails.

"Why?"

I knew why she was asking. I couldn't say it wasn't in the back of my head, too. Passing the highway signs was starting to get to me.

"Maybe we could stop there? We could check on your dad? I also wanna see it!"

An image of the little rainy corner of the country, desolate and overrun by death itself, gnawed at my brain.

"There's not much to see."

"But Jacob, you know you can't avoid them forever. Let's just stop by!"

I sucked on my teeth and shook the thoughts of everything else that existed outside of La Push—the one safe space in the area. Could I even bring Liz there? Should I?

Maybe I could just see Billy and dodge everyone else. I wasn't in the mood to explain that my alpha gene kicked in and all that. I could give Billy some cash and see if he needed anything.

But I know he'll try to tell me what happened.

Charlie Swan's house appeared in my mind. The windows were smashed, and the white panels were splattered with blackened blood. The door slowly opened, and she stood there, though it wasn't really her, dragging her father's corpse.

"I don't know."

"Come on, Jacob. We're literally in Washington!"

"So?"

She sighed heavily.

"What I think would be best is if we stopped by to check on your dad and continued our trip, but then...on our way back, you go back home and stay. I'd be fine driving back to White Rock by myself."

I looked at her for a second before turning back to the road.

"What?"

"Oh, Jacob, please! What's your plan? You can't stay away from your home forever."

The agitation in her voice made me think about her dad and how I didn't wanna be like him. I didn't want her or anyone else to think I was like that. I didn't want to do that to my old man, to my friends. I know my sisters dipped out after our mom died, but they didn't keep anyone in the dark; they at least called in and visited.

"It isn't your problem, Liz."

"It is. Especially when I see you sleeping on benches in town!"

Goddamnit.

I pursed my lips, nodding.

"White Rock is small! A customer told me he saw you sleeping on the beach, too. Why haven't you been staying in hotels like you said you were? You made enough money!"

There wasn't a way I could explain that sleeping outside wasn't a big deal for me, so I just said nothing.

"Well?"

I sighed, pulling my free hand down my face.

"I don't know if I can go there yet."

"Why? They're your family."

"Yeah, and they're gonna be really pissed. But it's not just that."

There were only two possibilities, and in either case, I knew she likely wasn't even there anymore. The cowards would've all moved by now. But I'd still feel her. Lingering.

The highway traffic started to pick up the closer we got to Seattle; the blaring horns rang too loud in my ears.

"I know that Jacob, I do. But you can't let it ruin your relationships with your family and friends, the people who know what you're going through."

The blaring became louder and louder.

"You have to at least try. And I think you need to stay there."

I felt the anger brewing in the pit of my stomach, hot and charged. I tried to contain the shaking that began.

"Hey."

A jerkoff in a Prius cut me off. I held the horn down and gave him the finger.

"Calm down."

"No. No, I can't." The tremors rocked through my arms, down to my fingertips. "You don't fucking get it, Liz. You think it's so easy for me to just walk on back home like nothing fucked up happened there."

"I never said-"

"You think I'm a piece of shit 'cause you know how it feels to be walked out on. And yeah, you're right, I am a piece of shit for that, but if I didn't do that, didn't get the fuck out of there, I don't know what I would've done."

The cars surrounding us felt like they were closing in, the bumper-to-bumper traffic building. I felt trapped with nowhere to go. No way to phase. No way out of this conversation. And no way to stop everything I've been harboring inside myself from surfacing.

"Do you know what it's like to tell someone they're going to die, but they laugh in your face? They know it, but they don't care. They welcome it. They want it. They love you, but it's not enough to change a fucking thing. And it's all for nothing in the end."

"Jacob-"

"I'm barely getting by. Fuck, I try! I try to be fucking alright, to pretend that I didn't lose the most important person in my life. But I did! I did, and I lose her again every single time I wake up."

"Listen to me!"

"It fucking killed her. I tried to stop it; I tried so hard. Goddamnit, I tried." My voice trailed off, and the taillights of the car in front of me blurred.

"There was nothing you could have done. Don't blame yourself."

"You don't know shit, Liz. So please, for the love of god, just let me pretend, just for a little bit. Let me pretend none of it happened."

The tremors lessened when the traffic started to pick up, and I could put my energy into focusing on merging.

"I say this because you're my friend, and I care. It doesn't work like that. That isn't a healthy way to grieve. I may not have been in your exact situation, but I've lost people too."

"And how would you suggest I grieve instead, huh? Go to a stupid ass support group?"

"Well, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. And not all support groups are stupid; they can really help people. But besides that, I'm more so talking about the fact that you're trying to run from it and bury how you've been feeling. Pretending it didn't happen will only make things feel worse in time. I mean, look how it's manifesting!"

"What's that mean?"

"Um, you're visibly very upset. Shaking. Terrified of the thought of going home to your family. It's not good!"

"Yeah, well, none of it is good."

"Will you knock that off? Actually just listen to me for a minute."

She paused, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter.

"None of this will help you in the long run, but okay, fine, say you don't care about yourself right now; think of the people who love you. Really, really, think of them. Think of how it's breaking their heart that you left while in such a bad mental state. They've got to be worried sick about you!"

I tried to listen.

"What happened is devastating; I don't even need to know all the details. But the more you keep it in and avoid it, the more it wears on you. I see it in your face. That's when it becomes you. Don't let it become you. And don't give up on those that love you."

I exhaled, extinguishing some of the lingering anger in my gut.

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?."

"You pick yourself up as best you can and continue on. You feel the pain and sit with it for as long as you need. You try to see the positive in everything."

"Dunno about that last part."

"Okay, well, just try. It's all that we have control over. Being grateful for what we do have! So many people have families that don't care about them. You're in a beautiful and lucky situation where they do."

The traffic broke up a bit more, and I had more room on the road.

"I hear you."

"Do you really, though?"

"Yeah. I do."

I did.

"Does going home still sound so bad?"

"Yeah, it still does."

"Oh."

Running away was useless. It didn't make me feel anything any less. The pain was etched into everything. Everywhere I turned, it found me. It didn't matter where I was. That was the hard truth I had to accept.

When I broke half the bones in my body, they needed to be rebroken to heal. It was excruciating, way worse than the original break, but it had to be done, or they wouldn't have set right, and I would've been fucked.

What I've been doing hasn't been working, not really.

I knew I had to know.

Knowing will rebreak me all over again, but maybe I'll be able to set myself right. What do they call it? Closure?

"Alright."

"Alright?"

"Yeah. We'll visit my dad."

—-

The city was dreary, more so than Canada, and it looked like it was gonna rain. The bustle was at least a little bit of a distraction from the anxiety I felt about going back home after a month. Which I guess I was really doing.

Liz had pressed her face against the window when we drove through the city in pure excitement. It made me wonder how often she actually got out of the house. But it also reminded me how she had a sorta childlike quality to her, which was probably why it was hard to stay angry or miserable around her.

The first place she dragged me to was a fish market where a couple of burly dudes threw some fish around. Supposedly, it was a thing people sought out to see cause there was a crowd of tourists watching in awe, including Liz, taking videos. What was the point of it? I couldn't fucking tell you.

Then, we wandered through Pike Place Market, stopping at every stall to try the food samples in small white cups on the trays. Took near damn everything in me to not take the whole tray of the mini garlic breads. It was all nice and distracting till we stumbled into a shop that sold handcrafted dreamcatchers that reminded me too much of everything.

Liz noticed something was up and asked to grab some coffee at the original Starbucks that was nearby.

"So, what do you want?" Liz asked as we finally reached the counter.

"Just coffee," I shrugged, scanning the menu. "Black, I guess."

The barista nodded while Liz stepped on my foot. She looked…actually mad?

"Of all the choices?! There are so many fun ones! Look," she exclaimed, pointing to a sign behind the barista's head. "There's seasonal flavors! Iced apple crisp, pumpkin spice latte, salted pecan frappe. Won't you get something fun?"

I rolled my eyes and gestured to the long ass line behind us. "Can you just order?"

"Ugh! Fine." She turned back to the barista and smiled brightly as if she didn't just have a tantrum. "I'll get an iced pecan crunch latte with oat milk, double pump of caramel, extra crunchies on top, and a pecan cookie, please. Thank you."

I rubbed my temples as I inched away from Liz—pretending I didn't know her—over to the end counter.

"You're so boring, Jacob," she muttered when we scooted into high-top seats by the front window after we got our drinks.

"And you're so. Hmm. What's the word…oh yeah, nuts."

She rolled her eyes.

"Wanna try any of this?"

"Nah. Enjoy your themed food."

"You know I love everything to be a theme."

The caffeine didn't make me feel anything—it burned off before it could affect me. Liz, on the other hand, if it were even fucking possible, seemed to already be more uppity.

"This trip will be good for you, I think," she beamed, looking at me over the rim of her cup.

I snorted. "Yeah, nothing like Washington to really bring out the sunshine in my soul."

"Well, this is just the first stop. Then, after your dad's, we have the whole coast to explore!"

I looked out the window, watching the people, the dogs on leashes, the cars passing by. A couple was lovingly sharing a cup of coffee. Ugh. Why couldn't they each get one?

I looked down into my cup, stirring the black liquid.

"Look, I know going home is going to be hard, but you can do it. I promise. I think it will be good. You will be good. And I'm here for you, Jacob."

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Yeah. Thanks, Liz. Sorry for all that before."

"It's okay."

"We could get up there tonight if we leave here early enough. Get a free place to sleep, I guess."

"Oh yeah. We haven't even thought of where we'd stay!"

"My place is pretty small, but you can sleep in my room, and I'll crash on the couch."

"Hey, no, that's not fair. I don't want to take your bed. You'd be too cramped on the couch!"

"Nah, I could sleep on rocks. It's fine."

We spent the next couple of hours wandering through the city, popping into more stores (that she dragged me into) and sampling street food. Liz kept on her endless yapping, which honestly was soothing. She didn't seem to mind that I was quieter than usual.

By the time noon rolled around, it was raining, and we were on our way back to the car.

"Hey," she said, nudging me with her elbow.

"It's going to be fine, Jacob. I promise."

We slid back in the car, and my fingers hovered over the GPS. This time, I input La, Push, Washington, and pressed start. It was surreal to see that in only 5 hours and 20 minutes, I'd be back in the place I always called home. I think I almost forgot it was possible to go back.

I backed out of the spot and followed the GPS out of the parking garage, down the city streets, back onto the highway.

It was time to stop being the coward that ran away. It was time to stop being that little kid who hid in the closet. It was time to see if La Push was still my home.