Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 10
EPISODE 10
Air Date: November 10, 2024
"What About Your Friends"
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH1011
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are on the couch together.
BUSTER: Hey Jaylynn, I'm curious about something.
JAYLYNN: Go ahead.
BUSTER: How do you feel about boys who like other boys being called lesbians?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: What?
SPARKY: This is weird. RK and Wade should be here by now.
JAYLYNN: After two hours? No way.
BUSTER: I thought they said they were going to hang out tonight. You know, get back their mojo after what happened.
SPARKY: They told me they would hang out for a little, then come here.
JAYLYNN: They didn't tell me anything. I guess getting back their mojo means leaving me out.
BUSTER: I think RK was supposed to tell you.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but he didn't. Oh, by the way, I thought about your question and-
RK and Wade walk in laughing.
RK: Man. Hey guys, is there anything to eat?
SPARKY: You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
WADE: Sorry Sparky. RK and I spent just a little too much time at the batting cages.
RK: Yeah, I didn't even know Seattle had them until tonight.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, I thought I told you about the batting cages.
RK: Nah, you didn't. Or else, I wouldn't have said the thing I just said.
WADE: It was crazy. RK was hitting the balls like he was Aaron Judge. He just wouldn't stop.
RK: Yeah, and it's great exercise. Check out my biceps.
Sparky feels RK's arm.
SPARKY: What am I checking out? There's nothing.
RK: It's dormant now because I'm resting. But when I was in those cages, I looked like a bodybuilder.
SPARKY: Look, guys, we're happy you're hanging out like you used to, but you can't forget your plans.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, at least call or text first.
WADE: Sorry, guys. We're just trying to get as much friendship time as we can.
RK: Yeah, it's like Michael Cole says. We're building momentum.
WADE: Or momentamum.
RK: Right?
RK and Wade start cackling.
RK (CONT.): Momentamum.
JAYLYNN: I don't know how I feel about RK showing his teeth this much.
SCENE 2
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK sets down his sleeping bag as Wade puts away his toothbrush.
RK: Hey, man, thanks for letting me sleep here. It's hard to get away since the kids.
WADE: What are you talking about? This is the sleepover we didn't get to have last month.
RK: I know, I'm just doing an RK thing.
WADE: Oh, right. I missed your little idiosyncrasies.
RK: But now that I mention it, the kids. What did you think about what they said to us earlier?
WADE: What, that we can't ignore our plans? They make a valid point. We can't ignore them or else, we're just repeating the cycle.
RK: See, that's the thing. We're trying to get back our mojo. We can't be all things to all people.
WADE: Then what do you suggest?
RK: I think we should take a break from Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn.
WADE: Really? You don't think they're going to kill us?
RK: Jaylynn might, but I can take her. Besides, if we're trying to spend more time together, we can't be around them eating ice cream and doing recaps. We'll be overextending ourselves.
WADE: You're right. This is going to be difficult, but it needs to be done.
RK: Exactly. It's like they say in the streets, you're either all in the game or all out. If you get distracted, you're dead.
WADE: Seriously, where do you get your information on the streets?
RK: I know people who know people. It's a real community out there.
SCENE 3
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the guys are eating ice cream.
RK: We've called this emergency meeting for a special announcement.
BUSTER: We asked you if you and Wade were coming to Ike's and you said "Sure."
RK: I know, I just wanted to take credit for coming here.
WADE: RK and I are on the verge of restoring our friendship to its former glory. Before all the junior high distractions. Therefore, we need a break from you guys during the restoration process.
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn groan.
JAYLYNN: You're ditching us?
SPARKY: I can't believe this.
BUSTER: We loved you!
RK: Look, after last night, we had an epiphany. We can't make plans with you guys and make plans with each other. They bump.
SPARKY: So, here's a solution. If you know you're going to hang out with each other, let us know so we won't expect you.
RK: Nah, homie, that doesn't work for me. It starts with a one-off. Wade and I go see a movie. Then we start doing more stuff together, you three get jealous, and before you know it, you're all on trial for a double homicide.
SPARKY: We're not going to kill you for hanging out together.
RK: Wouldn't you?
WADE: Guys, this is only temporary. We just want to set the expectations now so everyone's on the same page.
JAYLYNN: I mean, I can't be mad that you told us. Most people would just f*** off and pretend everything's the same.
RK: See? We're breaking generational curses one step at a time.
BUSTER: I wonder what the three of us could do together. Wade, could you give me your blueprint for the time machine so I can make one?
WADE: Hell no. On multiple levels, absolutely not.
BUSTER: Hear me out. I build the time machine, go back in time to the day you and RK stopped being close, fix it, and none of this ever happens.
WADE: Wouldn't that just lead to some other unexpected consequence?
BUSTER: I'm okay with taking that chance.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, RK and Wade are watching TV and eating Doritos out of a big bowl.
RK: You were right. The Doritos medley is a banger.
WADE: I'm telling you. Hey, you think the guys took it well?
RK: I would say so. No crying, no yelling. It was a very tasteful conversation.
Beat.
RK (CONT.): We handled it well. All-star handling.
WADE: We should be voted on the first team for handling problems.
RK: Amen.
KG walks into the house.
KG: Hey Wade. Seems like you're starting to be here often. Very often.
RK: Why? Do you have a problem with that? Is it because he's black?
Beat.
KG: You're stupid.
RK: And you might be racist, but I have to tolerate you anyway.
WADE: I don't know, RK, I don't want to feel like I'm leaving the guys high and dry.
RK: I know, they're still our friends. But we're ignoring everybody. No playing favorites here.
KG: What are you guys going on about?
RK: Wade and I are getting back our mojo as friends, so to maintain focus, we won't be hanging out with anyone else. Call it the RK & Wade Friendship Reunion Tour.
KG: Horrible name, too sweaty. And Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are cool with this?
WADE: We believe they are. We talked to them about it for precisely that reason.
KG: I mean, good on you for doing that, but if I was spending all my time with Denise, and Rodney and Trevor were put on the shelf, I'd throw them a bone.
RK: What the hell are you talking about?
KG: I would throw them...a bone.
Beat.
WADE: You know, I skipped grades twice and I can't decipher any of that.
KG: Give them something to do so they don't miss you!
RK: Oh. Say that next time.
WADE: I think I have a better idea. Give them someone else to hang out with.
RK: Go on.
WADE: RK, think about it. While we have fun, you won't be with Anna and I won't be with Adriana. They'll need friends, too.
RK: Yes! And who better for them to hang out with than the guys?
WADE: Exactly!
KG: You're going to pass off your girlfriends to the homies?
RK: Why? You think they'll hit on them or something? You're calling my dogs dogs?
KG: No, but I just think that-
WADE: Listen, KG, you said to throw them a bone and we are. Anna replaces RK, Adriana replaces me. The group dynamic stays at five, case closed.
Beat.
KG: So, when are you going to tell your girls that they're playing backup?
RK: I don't know, could you do it and let us know what they say?
WADE: Yeah, we would appreciate that.
KG gives RK and Wade a bored look.
SCENE 5
Walgreens
Interior Pharmacy
Seattle, Washington
("Two Hearts" by Phil Collins plays over the store's loudspeakers)
RK, Wade, Adriana, and Anna are looking through various prescriptions.
RK: Hmmm. This is for irritable bowels. Maybe when I'm older.
ADRIANA: So, let me see if I got this straight. You guys are afraid that Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn will miss you, so you want us to replace you?
WADE: That's exactly it, babe. No further explanation needed.
ADRIANA: No, you can explain further. How does this replacement thing work?
ANNA: Dude, it's simple. We have to act just like RK and Wade so the guys feel like they're still there.
RK: That's not what we're saying.
ANNA: Alright, let me do my best RK.
Anna clears her throat.
ANNA (CONT.): "This looks like an RK Jennings signature moment! I thrive off the attention of an audience! Hey, did you guys see that Full House clip I sent you in the group chat?"
ADRIANA: Let me play, let me play! "Relatively speaking, the centrifugal force of the cranium is 13 inches in diameter, which renders it useless."
ANNA: "Renders it useless? Wade, this is real life, not an episode of 3-2-1 Contact, which I also watch."
ADRIANA: "Resistance is futile!"
Anna and Adriana start laughing to the point where tears stream down their face. RK and Wade look disgusted.
RK: I hate you both.
WADE: Resistance is futile? When do I ever say that?
ADRIANA: Wait, I got another one. "Resistance is futile? When do I ever use such formal language in informal situations?"
ANNA: "Could I reference more TV shows?"
Adriana and Anna continue laughing.
RK: So, are you gonna do it or not?
ADRIANA: You know what? I think I will. This might be a lot of fun.
ANNA: Yeah. But I can't reference TV shows all the time. It's exhausting.
RK: You're not pretending to be us and I make references when they're based on the situation!
ANNA: Dude, stop setting me up. You're going to make me piss myself.
ADRIANA: Okay, so how do we do this? We go to Sparky's place and let them know what's going on?
WADE: No, we shouldn't spring it on them. We should arrange another meeting, then-
RK: Wait, wait, Wade, my boy. These two seem to have it in the bag, so let them dive headfirst into the ocean.
WADE: Pardon?
RK: Tonight, Sparky's hanging out with Buster and Jaylynn. They show up unannounced, take our place, and we see how the guys react.
WADE: Of course. Learn on the job, and in time, they'll seamlessly fit into the group dynamic.
RK: Exactly.
ADRIANA: "They'll seamlessly fit into the group dynamic. Nyeh!"
Beat.
WADE: Ade, I love you, but when the f*** do I ever make that noise?
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Anna pulls up in her car with Adriana in the passenger's seat.
ANNA: Well, here we go.
ADRIANA: Wait, before we go in there, we should straighten something out.
ANNA: Yes, I was at your place last night, and yes, I ate the last muffin. I'll buy you another one.
ADRIANA: Not that. I don't have a problem with us doing this, but I don't trust Jaylynn.
ANNA: Oh yeah. You've hated Jaylynn for years.
ADRIANA: I don't hate Jaylynn, I just think she's...sneaky, you know? Especially when it comes to Wade.
ANNA: So, what do you need to straighten out?
ADRIANA: When we hang out with the guys, we don't need to be around Jaylynn like that. We can talk to her, but we should keep our distance.
ANNA: Yeah, I hear ya. It's not like I'm a big fan of her anyway.
ADRIANA: Great. Now, let's have some fun.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are on the couch later that night.
SPARKY: I think that's a horrible idea.
BUSTER: My short story needs a bad guy, Sparky. And I don't really like Martin, so he's perfect.
SPARKY: You can't write a character based off someone else and give them the same name. You could get sued for that.
BUSTER: Don't you think you're exaggerating?
JAYLYNN: I don't think he is. Imagine someone wrote a story, created a character based on you, and without permission, named the character after you. Wouldn't that make you feel weird?
BUSTER: No. I'm paying homage. If I did that, what's the worst that could happen?
Jaylynn briefly glances at the camera, then back at the TV.
BUSTER (CONT.): I'm still going to do it, by the way.
Adriana and Anna walk into the house casually.
ADRIANA: Hey guys.
ANNA: Yo.
Adriana and Anna sit down on the couch like everything's normal. Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are all confused.
JAYLYNN: What's happening?
SPARKY: Yeah, is everything okay? RK's fine, Wade's fine?
ADRIANA: Yeah, they're great. Wade just got an A on his last paper.
BUSTER: Guys, I don't want to be mean, but why are you in Sparky's house?
ANNA: Oh, since RK and Wade can't hang out with you three, we're replacing them. That way, it's still five people.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Seriously, what's happening?
ADRIANA: Hey, if you guys want me to, I can do my Wade impression. Would that make you feel more comfortable?
Beat.
BUSTER: It better be dead-on.
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys walk into RK's house and see RK and Wade adjusting themselves in the mirror.
BUSTER: Oh, thank God that Wade's here. Now, we don't need to make two trips.
RK: I take it you guys met your new RK and Wade.
SPARKY: Yes, and we have several questions. The first one being, "Why?!"
WADE: We felt bad that you guys were two men short, so we had to solve for that. Adriana and Anna will take our place while we get our mojo back.
JAYLYNN: But they're not you. RK's the weirdest kid I've ever met and you're baby Einstein. Those are your things. What are their things?
WADE: Ade's really into sports.
JAYLYNN: Let me guess. Her favorite athlete is either Caitlin Clark or Sabrina Ionescu, isn't it?
WADE: Oh, she never cared about the WNBA. She doesn't want to ride the bandwagon.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I respect that. What's Anna's thing?
RK: She gives it to you straight. No beating around the bush, just the raw truth. Plus, she has a dark sense of humor.
JAYLYNN: That's just me in a different skin. Two Jaylynns? Come on.
RK: Please don't say that, it's like I'm dating you.
JAYLYNN: Would that be a problem?
RK: Yes! Red flags all around!
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Isn't Adriana from Poland?
WADE: Her parents immigrated from there, yeah.
SPARKY: Cool. I have Polish ancestors myself.
BUSTER: You've told us that before.
SPARKY: I know, but maybe everybody forgot.
RK: Look, guys, I know this is weird, but we're trying to keep you happy. So enjoy our girlfriends, try them out. And if you don't like what you see, tell them and they'll never hang out with you again.
JAYLYNN: We could try that. And to be fair, Adriana does an amazing Wade impression.
WADE: No, she absolutely does not.
BUSTER: Of course, she does. "Resistance is futile!" That's your favorite catchphrase.
WADE: I don't even have a catchphrase!
RK: Did Anna do her impression of me?
SPARKY: No, she said it still needs work.
RK: Okay, well, don't ask her to do it. Never ask her to do it or I'll kill all three of you.
SCENE 9
Burger King
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are eating Burger King that same night.
WADE: I think it will go well.
RK: Me too. They just need time to adjust. But once they get to know Adriana and Anna, they won't even miss us.
WADE: Exactly.
Beat.
WADE (CONT.): Resistance is futile!
RK: No. Don't become a self-parody. It's undignified.
WADE: I know, I just wanted to hear myself say it one time to get it out of my system. Never again.
RK: Hey, is it just me, or is this Burger King not doing what it's supposed to do?
WADE: It's not you. This is a pretty bad performance. I mean, there's pickles on my burger when I distinctly told them otherwise, the fries are a little overcooked, and there's too much ice in my drink.
RK: That's the problem. The ice. It's okay to have, but too much of it ruins the integrity of the drink.
WADE: I say that every day. Did you write about that in your book?
RK: Definitely, it's all there in chapter ten. You know what the real problem is?
WADE: We should be eating somewhere else?
RK: Yeah, but this isn't even the best Burger King I know. A couple weeks ago, KG and I went to the one downtown. Best meal I ever had.
WADE: Downtown, huh? That's pretty upscale.
RK: Of course, that's where the somebodies eat. But KG and I were feeling ourselves, we came through in the Lambo. We had to eat there.
WADE: You've never driven a Lamborghini.
RK: I just wanted to sound rich! But we should go there. If we're going to get back our mojo, we need to be at a place that's worthy of our money.
WADE: I don't know, man, that sounds like a trip. I only go downtown for science conventions and Christmas shopping.
RK: Okay. But you should know that, uh...they have the Freestyle machine.
WADE: The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. Downtown?
RK: Indeed.
WADE: No more having to tell the employees what drink you want, you can do it yourself with a variety of options to choose from?
RK: Yes. The ultimate soft drink experience. It's godlike.
Beat.
WADE: We're going f***ing downtown.
SCENE 10
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are talking to each other when RK walks up to them.
RK: Morning, children.
BUSTER: RK, you're here? I thought you were taking time off school to hang out with Wade.
RK: I wish, but KG would turn me into a corpse. Besides, academics are the foundation of a good life.
JAYLYNN: You've never said anything close to that.
RK: I'm trying to make the best out of this. The more days pass, the closer I get to eating Burger King downtown.
BUSTER: Downtown? You mean, the Burger King with the Freestyle machine?
RK: Exactly. No rules, no restrictions. The only thing that limits you is your imagination.
JAYLYNN: This...this is the thing you're excited about. Having a drink at Burger King?
RK: You're turning into such a hater. I don't like that for you.
SPARKY: I kinda agree with him.
JAYLYNN: Look, it's been difficult between Jasmine and the exams, I'm not myself these days.
BUSTER: Maybe hanging out with Adriana and Anna will cheer you up. Give you new friends to talk to.
JAYLYNN: I guess, but I don't know them like that. When we do the recap, it's going to be so weird having them look at me.
RK: Then get sunglasses.
JAYLYNN: Cute. It's not like I have anything against them, there's just this weird tension whenever they're around. Do they talk about me?
RK: Well, Anna probably feels the same way you do, but she doesn't shit on you. I remember one time, she said, "Let's just say I don't dislike her."
JAYLYNN: Great. I'm dead.
SPARKY: What do you mean?
JAYLYNN: When people say "I don't dislike you," that's code for "I want you dead." Pretty sure Marvin Gaye's dad told him that right before he killed him.
RK: No, he told the police that after he killed him.
JAYLYNN: Seriously, how do you know all this stuff?
RK: I just read a lot, bro, it's no thing.
SCENE 11
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
After school, Adriana and Anna look around the restaurant in amazement. Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are visibly confused.
SPARKY: Are you guys okay?
BUSTER: I think they're looking at the new paint job that Woody had done.
ADRIANA: No, it's just...I can't believe we're here. The world-famous Ike's.
SPARKY: You've never been here before?
ANNA: Maybe once or twice, but this isn't our place. There's this hot dog cart right near our school that everybody goes to.
BUSTER: Wow. Hot dogs after school. Sparky, can we go to Nathan's? Let's go to Nathan's.
SPARKY: Is that a thing that people do?
JAYLYNN: I hear Joey Chestnut does.
Jaylynn snickers at her joke, and Sparky and Buster start laughing as well. Adriana and Anna have blank stares.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Okay, so, girls. I think when we met, you guys had different dates? Adriana had RK and Anna had Wade? How did you two switch?
ADRIANA: It was pretty simple. I didn't like RK because he used to date Diana.
ANNA: And Wade was just too...you know. Our energies didn't match.
ADRIANA: So, we just ended up liking the other one.
JAYLYNN: It's a good thing, you know? You might have ended up with nobody.
ADRIANA: Yeah, that would be something.
ANNA: Something else, man.
Beat.
BUSTER: So, what kind of toppings go on the hot dogs when you eat them?
ANNA: You can have anything. Mustard, relish, pickle juice where they take the wiener, soak it in pickle juice and serve it. But my favorite topping is...um...I don't wanna say it.
SPARKY: Go ahead.
ANNA: Literally everybody thinks I'm insane for this.
ADRIANA: You are.
BUSTER: Tell us the topping, I demand you.
ANNA: It's mayonnaise.
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn have simultaneous looks of disgust.
ANNA (CONT.): See, I told you, I'm strange!
JAYLYNN: What else do you do, eat mayonnaise out of the jar? Drink milk with your pizza?
ANNA: I've done both many times.
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn leave the booth, then the restaurant, and come back to the booth.
SPARKY: We respect what you like, but...wow.
ANNA: I know. Sometimes, I feel like I have the diet of a white boy from Indiana.
BUSTER: But you are white. You're just doing what our ancestors did when they lived in caves.
ANNA: Hey, I come from Russia. My ancestors didn't live in caves.
BUSTER: There's nothing wrong with being in caves. Bats hang out there all the time.
ANNA: I'm not Batman.
BUSTER: You could be. Hey, do you guys want to hear my idea for my short story?
JAYLYNN: No.
BUSTER: Of course you don't, Jay, I already told you.
JAYLYNN: No, I gotta hit the bathroom. It's beginning.
SPARKY: Oh. Yeah. Take care of that.
Jaylynn runs to the bathroom. Anna gets a curious look on her face.
ANNA: I think I'll go, too.
SCENE 12
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is shown washing her hands when Anna walks in.
ANNA: Hey Jaylynn. Could we talk?
JAYLYNN: Oh no. Look, I knew it was going to come to this, so I'm ready. Out of respect for RK, I won't fight back.
Jaylynn closes her eyes and stretches her arms out.
ANNA: What's going on? What are you doing?
JAYLYNN: I'm giving you the opening. Come on, take me out.
ANNA: I'm not here to fight you! Are you crazy?
Jaylynn opens her eyes and puts her arms down.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what? You don't have some beef with me from way back and you haven't been waiting to get me alone so you can stomp me out?
ANNA: No.
JAYLYNN: So, what do you want to talk about? Oh, I get it, you're tired of me snapping on RK, saying he has a crush on me, and you want it to stop before you run me over with your car.
ANNA: Jaylynn, how damaged are you?
JAYLYNN: You have no idea.
ANNA: Look, I know things get weird whenever it's me, you, and Ade. And I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about that.
JAYLYNN: You're sorry? For what?
ANNA: For trying to distance myself from you. RK always said that we would get along and be friends and it irritated me. I don't like being compared to people, so I didn't want to get to know you.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Am I in The Twilight Zone right now?
ANNA: No, Jaylynn, I'm for real. If you ever thought I had a problem with you, I didn't. It's Adriana that has the problem.
JAYLYNN: I would ask you what her problem is, but I don't think I care.
ANNA: I get it. Look, as long as we're doing this for the guys, I should try and be cool with you. But you can't let Ade know we had this talk.
JAYLYNN: Of course not. I'll be a quieter than a cat sleeping on cotton candy.
ANNA: So, are we good?
JAYLYNN: Sure, man, we're good.
Beat.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): So, what do you say to a handshake?
ANNA: I wouldn't mind it.
Jaylynn and Anna shake hands.
ANNA (CONT.): F*** it, we can hug.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, bring it in.
Jaylynn and Anna laugh as they hug each other. Cut to Adriana watching from the bathroom door in disbelief. The "Let It Roll" instrumental plays in the background as Adriana walks away and Jaylynn and Anna continue to hug.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are watching TV later that day.
SPARKY: I wonder why Adriana took off. I wanted to know about the other gross things Anna eats.
BUSTER: I'm not going to lie, I might try the hot dogs with mayo.
JAYLYNN: I'm going to lose respect for you if you do.
BUSTER: What if I make sure to only put in a glob?
JAYLYNN: I don't even want to think about what that means.
SPARKY: So, Jaylynn, are you cool having the girls around?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. It's not bad at all. It turns out Anna never had a problem with me.
BUSTER: Oh, I see. You had a problem with her.
JAYLYNN: That's the thing, I feel like I was supposed to dislike them. That's how Anna felt. Now, we're straight and maybe one day, we can be friends.
SPARKY: What about Adriana?
JAYLYNN: Oh, that ship has sailed. She doesn't f*** with me.
SPARKY: Why?
JAYLYNN: I don't know for sure, but I feel like Wade might be responsible for this.
BUSTER: Maybe you should talk to Adriana about it.
JAYLYNN: Nah, I'm cool. I'm old, I'm tired, and I don't need to know what's going on inside her head. Unless she starts doing that weird, passive-aggressive crap, we have nothing to talk about.
BUSTER: I hate when people do that. Just say what's on your mind.
JAYLYNN: I know. What are you, a white woman in her 40s? Spit it out.
SCENE 14
Burger King
Seattle, Washington
("Bacon" by Nick Jonas featuring Ty Dolla $ign plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
RK and Wade walk into the downtown Burger King. The restaurant is considerably larger and cleaner than the local Burger King, with a self-ordering option, a TV with live quizzes, and a ball pit filled with kids.
RK: Feast your eyes, Wade. This is the rest of your life.
WADE: It's astounding. Is that a ball pit?
RK: You know it. Don't go inside. You don't want to know the wicked shit kids do in it.
WADE: I'll abstain then. There it is.
Cut to a shot of the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, shining brightly with a spotlight surrounding it.
WADE (CONT.): The king's ransom.
RK: Yes. Whatever you just said means. But we're not ready yet.
WADE: What do you mean? Of course we are.
RK: That's what you think. But we have to work our way up to it. Buy the meal first, and then carefully select our drink.
WADE: Of course. Why don't we just...curb our excitement until then?
RK: Exactly.
Beat.
WADE: What the hell is that boy doing in the pit?
RK: Don't question him, don't acknowledge him. Let him do him.
SCENE 15
The Revia Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
One morning, Adriana is making eggs for Anna. Anna sits at the table. She looks around blankly.
ANNA: So, uh...you just decided to make me breakfast today? Not that I'm complaining, it just threw me off a little.
ADRIANA: Anna, you're my best friend. Best friends look out for each other and make sure they grow up big and strong.
ANNA: I guess it's because I can make my own eggs, so it's weird, but...yeah. Cook 'em up.
Beat.
ADRIANA: I bet Jaylynn wouldn't make you eggs, would she?
ANNA: No. We're not cool like that, of course she wouldn't.
ADRIANA: It didn't seem that way at Ike's in the bathroom, did it?!
ANNA: F***, RK warned me about this. If something doesn't feel right, don't trust it.
ADRIANA: Yeah, I bet you guys were having a great time hugging and kissing. You probably thought I wouldn't find out, but I did.
ANNA: First of all, there was no kissing. You're projecting. And second of all, Jaylynn's not a bad person. We just never got a chance to know her.
ADRIANA: Anna, I already told you I don't trust her. I thought you were on my side, now, you're buying what she's selling?
ANNA: I'm still on your side. I just don't think it makes sense to hate someone that never did anything to me.
ADRIANA: She's shady. That's all I'm going to say.
ANNA: She's not going to steal Wade, you pack of Starburst. You're acting crazy.
ADRIANA: Am I acting crazy? Or am I just crazy?
Beat.
ADRIANA (CONT.): Wait, no, I meant to clean that up, I was going to say-
ANNA: Forget it. I'm going to be upstairs, let me know when the eggs are ready.
Anna leaves the kitchen while Adriana looks at the stove.
ADRIANA: She doesn't deserve eggs, I'm leaving.
Adriana turns off the stove, puts the eggs back in the refrigerator, cleans up the countertop, and leaves through the back door.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade pat their stomachs as they watch TV.
RK: That was a meal for the ages, man.
WADE: I know. They actually cooked it like they cared. I still can't believe you changed your signature drink.
RK: I had to. We're in the 2020s, Wade. You have to move with the times. Why drive a Toyota when you can drive a Lambo?
WADE: Seriously, do you want a Lamborghini? For your birthday or something?
RK: Hey, I didn't say anything, but if that's something on your mind-
Anna walks into the house.
ANNA: Hey guys. Wade, you have to talk to Adriana. She's losing it.
RK: Let me guess. You guys tried hanging out with our friends, Jaylynn got into it with Ade and they had a fight.
ANNA: No, it was pretty chill. I like them. But if we don't do something about Adriana, there will be a fight and I'm not going to be the referee.
WADE: Okay, play back the tape. How about you tell me exactly what's going on?
ANNA: Adriana doesn't like Jaylynn because she's paranoid that Jaylynn wants you. I talked to Jaylynn, told her I had no problems with her, Ade saw the whole thing, and now, she thinks I'm a traitor.
WADE: Great. Adriana's turning into the green-eyed monster again.
RK: I don't see what the problem is. Jaylynn likes girls. Wade, as far as I know, has never been a girl. Problem solved.
Beat.
RK (CONT.): Unless you transitioned years ago.
WADE: You're a clown. And if you're a clown, then Adriana's Bozo.
ANNA: So, are you going to talk to her?
WADE: Absolutely. It's time for all three of you to settle your little beef with each other.
ANNA: Hey, I settled my beef. I showed love to Jaylynn, I was a good girl. RK, tell him I was a good girl.
RK: She was a good girl, Wade.
WADE: Alright. Anna, thank you for settling your conflict with Jaylynn.
ANNA: You're welcome. And just so you know, I thought Adriana's impression of you was offensive. Very inappropriate.
WADE: You laughed with her, it's a non-issue at this point.
RK: You didn't show the guys your impression of me, did you?
ANNA: No, I'm still working on it. How does this sound?
Anna clears the throat.
ANNA: "I just don't get Adriana. She has to rethink her beef with Jaylynn, like how Tommy had to rethink his beef with Ghost on Power, another show I love to watch."
Beat.
RK: It just feels impersonal.
WADE: Yeah, it's too broad.
ANNA: I said I was working on it. I'll get it right.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Adriana is on the couch with Bitch Clock while he drinks a glass of Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola.
ADRIANA: So, do you have organs, glands, all that stuff?
BITCH CLOCK: Yes. I'm no different from you.
ADRIANA: How do you survive? I mean, alarm clocks stop working after a couple years. You should be dead by now.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I'm not. Chances are, I'll outlive you.
ADRIANA: But all you do is drink. Do you even know what water is?
BITCH CLOCK: Are you wearing a wire? The f*** is with all these questions?
ADRIANA: I just want to know how you work. Are you like BoJack Horseman where you're half-man, half-clock?
BITCH CLOCK: Never compare me to BoJack Horseman. That's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
ADRIANA: I don't think you know what a stereotype is.
BITCH CLOCK: Like hell, I don't. That guy had everything. A beautiful house, millions of dollars, all the alcohol he could drink, and you know what he did? He dumbed himself out of position. He dumbed himself out of every good thing that could happen to him, and then he gets depressed because people don't like him. "Waaah, I'm sad about stuff. I'm tired of doing bad things." Give me five minutes with him, I'll show him what pain is.
Beat.
ADRIANA: You have problems.
BITCH CLOCK: Way more interesting people than you have told me the same thing.
Wade walks into the house and is surprised to see Adriana.
WADE: What are you doing here?
BITCH CLOCK: It's my house, why would I not be here?
WADE: It's Sparky's house, and I was talking to Adriana.
BITCH CLOCK: Of course. The only time people want to talk to me is when they ask me stupid questions like this idiot.
WADE: Don't call my girlfriend an idiot.
BITCH CLOCK: I'll call her whatever I want. It's my house.
Adriana slaps Bitch Clock in the back of his head.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): What is this, Fresh Prince? I'll enjoy my Jack and Coke in the kitchen.
Bitch Clock shakes his head as he walks towards the kitchen.
WADE: Were you two hanging out?
ADRIANA: You wish. I just always wanted to know what his deal was, so Sparky let me stay here while he's out with Halley.
WADE: Oh. Just so you know, nobody likes him. At all.
ADRIANA: I had a feeling.
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): Well, I don't like either of you, so cry about it.
WADE: Look, what's going on with you and Jaylynn? I already told you she's cool.
ADRIANA: I don't believe that. I know how you felt about her back then, Wade. She was the first girl you were in love with, she was your first kiss. And you're friends. Weird things happen.
WADE: I was never in love with her, I just thought I was. And for the last time, she's lesbian. She's not a threat to you in any possible way.
ADRIANA: Well, either way, I don't trust her. Now, Anna's switching sides and drinking her Kool-Aid. It's not fair.
WADE: Look, Ade, Anna's showing you the way. She had weird tension with Jaylynn and she took care of it. Why don't you be the bigger person and take care of yours?
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): That's right, Ade. Don't dumb yourself out of position.
WADE: Will you stop eavesdropping?
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): Eavesdropping is a choice. Overhearing is involuntary.
Wade sighs and sits down next to Adriana.
WADE: This isn't the Adriana I know. The one I know is sweet, sensitive, she wants everyone to get along. Why can't you see Jaylynn the way I see her?
ADRIANA: I just don't want anybody taking you away from me.
WADE: Well, I'm still here. And as long as I'm around, I'm yours.
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): What a simp.
ADRIANA: You know what, Wade? You're right. I'll talk to Jaylynn and clear this up.
WADE: Thank you. RK and I really want all five of you to have fun together.
ADRIANA: Hey, how's that friendship tour going anyway?
WADE: It's great. We're going back downtown to Burger King tonight.
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): Downtown Burger King? That place is class. Hey, get me two Whopper Jr.'s with no mayo and a Hershey pie.
WADE: Are you paying for it?
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): Why would I when you're treating?
WADE: Order your food on the app like everyone else.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): I'm telling Sparky you and your girlfriend were mean to me.
WADE: Great!
SCENE 18
Burger King
Seattle, Washington
("If I Fall" by Nick Jonas plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
RK and Wade are standing in line at the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine.
RK: I hope Adriana straightens this out. If she doesn't, she'll complain to Anna about it. Then Anna will complain to me about it, and I'll complain to you about it.
WADE: I know. It's a disgusting, twisted cycle. But she knows what needs to be done.
Beat.
RK: Dude, look at that guy in front. He has a whole meal and he's choosing Coke Zero. What a bum.
WADE: RK, it's 2024. Embrace body positivity.
RK: Hey, this has nothing to do with being fat. But you're at a fast food place, in front of a machine with no rules, and you choose sugar-free soda? If you drink diet and/or sugar-free soda, you shouldn't be drinking soda at all.
WADE: Maybe you should write about that in your next book.
RK: No, I already covered that in chapter six. No need to rehash old substance.
Beat.
RK (CONT.): You know, I could always give you another copy.
WADE: I'm good.
RK: Okay, I get it. You're not ready to do the knowledge, but you will be. You will be.
SCENE 19
The Hernandez Household/The Saleh Apartment
Interior Jaylynn's Bedroom/Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
At night, Jaylynn gets a phone call while she brushes her hair in the mirror. Intercut between Jaylynn and Lynne.
JAYLYNN: What's up, Lynne?
LYNNE: Hey. I wanted to know if you were free this weekend to go bowling.
JAYLYNN: Are your gross friends going to be there?
LYNNE: No, just us two, I'm keeping my word. And Melissa's the gross one.
JAYLYNN: I think I might be able to squeeze you in, but I've been doing a lot of hanging out with the fellas. And Adriana and Anna.
LYNNE: Oh yeah, how's that going? Did one of them punch you in the face?
JAYLYNN: No, not this time. Anna and I squashed our beef and Adriana has a problem with me, but she's been quiet about it.
LYNNE: How do you know she's not planning something?
JAYLYNN: Why would she do that?
LYNNE: To get you when you least expect it. I should know, I was your biggest hater for years.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you're different. You always let me know that you hated me. Adriana's keeping it to herself.
LYNNE: Exactly my point. Everything you told me about her doesn't check out. You need to watch out for her.
JAYLYNN: Do you really think Adriana's been plotting on me this whole time?
LYNNE: I didn't say anything.
JAYLYNN: You just said I need to watch out. Is she planning to do something to me or not?
LYNNE: That's for you to figure out, man. But just be careful.
Beat.
LYNNE (CONT.): Alright, I'll talk to you later.
Lynne hangs up. Jaylynn looks dumbfounded as she puts down her phone.
JAYLYNN: I'm gonna die, aren't I?
SCENE 20
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are talking near the lockers.
JAYLYNN: So, what are you getting besides that?
SPARKY: I was thinking that, later on?
JAYLYNN: Uh huh?
SPARKY: We could-
RK walks up to the guys.
RK: Morning, lady and gents.
BUSTER: Hey RK, have you ever been to that hot dog cart near Adriana and Anna's school?
RK: More times than I can count. Pro tip: Make sure you get the chili dog with nacho cheese. It's to die for.
BUSTER: You know what? I will die for it. And if I don't, I'll kill for it!
RK: Dial that back, man, adults are here. So, Jaylynn, are you and Adriana cool now?
JAYLYNN: No. She still hates me. Why would we be cool?
SPARKY: Yeah, I thought you knew they had problems.
RK: Adriana was supposed to come to you personally, by herself, and tell you that she wants to bury the hatchet.
JAYLYNN: Was this her idea?
RK: No, but Wade talked to her about it and-
JAYLYNN: He made her talk to me?!
RK: Whoa, whoa, calm down. What's the problem here?
JAYLYNN: Lynne was right. Adriana is planning something. That's why she hasn't talked to me yet. After school, we're all going to be at the hot dog cart. She'll make me think she's being cool, embarrass me in public, and she'll probably use Anna to do it. I bet she's in on it.
RK: She's in on it? Anna's not in on shit!
JAYLYNN: How do you know? She probably lied when you asked her about it.
RK: I didn't ask her anything!
SPARKY: Jaylynn, maybe Adriana wants to do it in front of everyone for a reason. Kinda like a grand gesture.
JAYLYNN: Bullshit. This is her chance to make me look stupid. Her and Anna. I'm going to be on guard today, mark my words.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, if you're going to fight Adriana and Anna, could you please do it after the hot dogs?
JAYLYNN: Sure. I'm not letting good food go to waste.
SCENE 21
Lonnie Nelson Junior High School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
After school, the guys are hanging out with Adriana and Anna at the hot dog cart. Buster watches in horror as Anna eats her hot dog with mayonnaise.
BUSTER: I can't believe I considered it.
SPARKY: At least you talked yourself out of it.
BUSTER: I know, but the fact that I even thought about it...that makes me an animal, Sparky. I don't want to be an animal. They only have one thumb!
ADRIANA: Hey Jaylynn, you got a minute?
JAYLYNN (V.O.): Bitch, I'm eating. What, do you want the inside story? You're not Chris Van Vliet.
Jaylynn chuckles in her own head.
JAYLYNN (V.O.): I'm hilarious.
ADRIANA: Hey Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's up, bro?
ADRIANA: Do you have a minute to talk?
JAYLYNN: Less talking, more eating. Could I get another hot dog with ketchup and honey mustard?
SPARKY: You put honey mustard on your hot dogs?
JAYLYNN: Of course. Regular mustard on a hot dog? I'm not an animal.
BUSTER: At least somebody here isn't.
SCENE 22
Lonnie Nelson Junior High School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the kids are still at the hot dog cart.
ANNA: I'm thinking that maybe you could still base the character off him, but use a different name.
BUSTER: That's brilliant. Nobody will know who he's supposed to be. Thanks Annie.
ANNA: Annie? Wow. Nobody's ever called me that.
SPARKY: What about Anne?
ANNA: Ugh, ten million times a day. I hate it. Makes me sound like I work for The Seattle Times.
ADRIANA: So, Jaylynn, are you ready to talk now?
JAYLYNN: That depends. Are you ready to get exposed?
ADRIANA: What?
JAYLYNN: What, you thought your plan wouldn't get back to me? You and Miss Mayo over here thought you could pull one over on me? I'm from Portland, there's nothing you can pull that I haven't already pulled.
ANNA: Jaylynn, calm down.
JAYLYNN: Nah, screw that, Anne. I believed you when you said you wanted to get along, but you're never going to go against Adriana for me. It doesn't make sense.
ANNA: You don't make sense. Adriana just wants to clear things up.
JAYLYNN: Oh, really?
Jaylynn takes a bottle of ketchup and squirts it on both Adriana and Anna.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): If you want to clear that up, I suggest Borax. It's strong stuff.
Adriana and Anna look at each other, then at Jaylynn with rage. Jaylynn looks at Sparky and Buster, who shake their heads.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Unless you really wanted to clear things up?
Adriana and Anna walk towards Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Look, you guys need to know something.
ADRIANA: What?!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: It was a joke?
SCENE 23
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Jaylynn, Adriana, and Anna are on the couch. They all look bruised and exhausted.
JAYLYNN: I, uh...I guess now is the time to clear things up.
ANNA: I bit one of you. I don't know who, but I'm pretty sure I did it.
JAYLYNN: It was me. You bit me.
ANNA: Sorry.
ADRIANA: Jaylynn, how could you do that to us?
JAYLYNN: Look, I was paranoid. You guys have never seen eye-to-eye with me, so I thought this was a plot.
ADRIANA: A plot?
ANNA: I told you she was damaged.
ADRIANA: I see it now. But Jaylynn, there was no plot. I wanted to tell you that I was jealous.
JAYLYNN: Of what?
ADRIANA: Of your friendship with Wade. You guys were so close and I felt like he liked you more than he liked me.
JAYLYNN: Trust me, he doesn't. I hang out with him all the time, but we're just friends.
ANNA: Ade, why do you think Jaylynn likes guys?
ADRIANA: I don't know. Maybe it's something my mom said once. "Girls who say they're gay just can't get a man."
JAYLYNN: So, to you, I'm someone your mom would hate.
ADRIANA: Yeah. Almost like you're faking it.
JAYLYNN: Trust me, if I was faking it, you would know. I have relatives in D.R. that would literally disown me if I told them.
ADRIANA: Wow. I didn't know it was that bad for you.
JAYLYNN: It's okay. I'm not going to D.R. any time soon, so who cares?
ANNA: Could we just put an end to this? We don't need to be best friends, but we don't need to hate each other.
ADRIANA: You're right. It's like Sparky's alarm clock said, don't dumb yourself down in your position.
ANNA: What?
ADRIANA: I don't know, he was drinking when he said it.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so I don't need to be friends with you guys. But what if we were acquaintances?
ANNA: Yeah. Associates. Business partners. Comrades, mutual friends, co-workers who hang out due to geographical convenience.
ADRIANA: We get it.
JAYLYNN: That's a great RK impression. You got that weird way he speaks and everything.
ANNA: Really? I got it? Let me do it for real. "Finally, vindicated after four long years!"
Jaylynn starts laughing.
JAYLYNN: Man, you're something else, Annie.
ANNA: RK will be so proud of me.
ADRIANA: Resistance is futile!
Beat. Jaylynn and Anna simply stare at Adriana.
ADRIANA (CONT.): It got old, didn't it? I guess when it comes to my impression, resistance is successful.
Cut to black.
("Pass the Plugs" by De La Soul plays over the end credits)
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