Callie POV
Mariana and I ended up spending the whole day together. We sat in the cafe for another hour, just talking about my options and all the possible ways each choice could affect me. But once we left the cafe, Mariana helped me escape from the situation I was in for few hours as we simply spent day together, walking, laughing, shopping – like we sometimes use to do. Just a girls day out. It was probably what I needed the most. Few hours to clear my head. To not think for a while.
We were now sitting on a park bench, with ice cream cones in our hands. Ice cream was melting, because of how hot the day was. We had to eat them pretty fast, otherwise it would all drip down on our hands and clothes.
Mariana had two small shopping bags by her left side. She bought a new top and a swimsuit. I, on the other hand, finally bought new set of strings for my guitar. Few days before our camping trip, the Adams Foster gang had come over to our place for a BBQ and I ended up trying to teach Frankie basics of how to play guitar. She accidentally broke a guitar string, while I had taken a bathroom break.
"Do you want a ride back?" Mariana asked and licked the melting ice cream from the bottom of the cone
"No, I think I'm going to walk," I replied and tossed the last of my ice cream in my mouth
"You sure? It's quite the walk from here,"
"It will be good for me. I'll have some time to think everything through one last time," Mariana ate the last of her ice cream and then wiped her hands in a wet wipe, that she got out of her purse. She cleaned her hands off quickly and tossed the wipe out to the bin that was at the end of the bench.
"My advice to you remains the same – talk to your mom," Mariana said placing her hand over mine
I sighed deeply and looked out to the park, squinting my eyes a little because of the bright Sun "If the roles were reversed, I would probably tell you the same thing,"
Even though we are close, like sisters, and we love each other like family, neither one of us can replace our moms. I need my mom and Mariana knows that. I know that as well, the problem with telling mom is that I'm afraid. Afraid to disappoint her. Afraid that, knowing all that she's been through, that she won't understand my choice and won't be there for me. But going through this without her, scared me more.
Amy has always been there for me and looked out for me, since the day we met. She was the only one that ever visited me, while I was in Juvie, even though I told her each time that I don't want her there and that I hated her for arresting me. We went through thick and thin together. I can't imagine standing up to Liam, without my mom being there for me. She was there with me, when I met my biological dad. Mom was the one that helped me look for Jude. The list goes on and one. Amy has proven to me over and over that she has my back and will support me no matter what. She showed me what unconditional love is.
"That doesn't mean I'm not here for you," Mariana assured me, gently moving her thumb over my palm "Whatever you need. I'm a call away. Always!"
I looked back at her and smile at her, showing my gratitude "I know. Thank you for that and thank you for today!" I leaned towards her and hugged her. Mariana wasted no second to hug me back.
~o~o~o~
I ended up walking home taking the long way. It gave me time to think about how I will going to break the news to my mom. Just thinking about my speech in my head, made my heart beat faster and my palms to get sweaty. That's how nervous as I was.
When I finally got home, it was around dinner time. I heard some noises coming from the kitchen. Walking in, I found my mom cutting tomatoes. The whole kitchen table and counter was covered in different ingredients. There was a pan with dough spread all across it on the counter next to the stove. On the table there was a half of cheese, the other half of cheese was grated up in a bow. I saw a sausage, jar of pickles as well as bottle of ketchup.
Mom was alone, which was exactly what I needed. Only the two of us.
"Hi, mom!" I greeted her cheerfully as I approached her "What are you making?"
"Hi, honey!" Mom smiled as she looked up at me "Tonight we will have homemade pizza!" she announced happily as she gestured around the kitchen table to all of the ingredients "What did you do the whole day?" Mom asked as she resumed cutting the tomatoes
"Oh, uh...just hang out with Mariana," I said walking closer to the table "How was work?" I made small talk because I was chickening out on actually starting the conversation about me being pregnant
"Caught a thief!" she beamed at me
"Oh! Nice!"
"Right?" She smirked back "And guess who we wrote speeding ticket today!" mom stopped cutting and stood up straight
I thought about it for a while, but as I had no clue what so ever, I answered "No idea. Who?"
"Connor Stevens!"
I hadn't heard that name in years. Jude and Connor broke up, shortly after Connor moved to Los Angles to live with his mom. That was some 2 years ago. The break up hit Jude pretty hard. Connor was his first love after all, but ,sadly, young love rarely last long. Few weeks after the break up Jude was back to being his old self. He stopped being grumpy and sad and resumed to live his young life to the fullest -meeting new people, going to parties, hanging out with his friends.
"What? He's back in San Diego?" I exclaimed out surprised
"Apparently," mom replied with a small shoulder shrug "He was with another boy. Could be his new boyfriend,"
"Does Jude know?" I questioned as I pulled the chair, which stood at the end of the table, out
"I'm not sure. Stef probably told him, when she got home," Mom resumed cutting the tomato
"Wow," I breathed out as I slowly sat down at the table "I should probably give him a call later…"
"Mm-hmm," Mom hummed back agreeing
But despite the news about Connor, I still had to share the big news with my mom, that I don't want to put off any longer. If I don't tell her today, I doubt I will be able to bring the subject up later on. A minute passed with me simply sitting at the table and mom making supper as I prepare myself to telling mom about my news.
"Mom," I said getting moms attention, she raised her head up to look at me "I need to tell you something-" I started, but was interrupted by Cooper, who called out from hallway
"We need to change the filter in bathroom, honey," Moms attention was taken away from me "I cleaned the water filter yesterday, but the water flow is pretty bad already," Cooper said as he walked in the kitchen, his hair was a bit wet
So much for telling mom now – I thought to myself as I look over my shoulder to Cooper
"Oh, hey!" Cooper said seeing me sitting at the table. He placed his hand on my shoulder and looked down to me "Now that you're here," he smiled at me "Can you tell your mom that we need to add pineapple to our pizza?"
"You know I hate Pineapple on pizza," I retorted
"You barely even tasted it last time!" Cooper tried to persuade me "You got to give it another try!"
"No! I ate a whole slice of pizza with pineapple on last time. It was horrible!" I replied with a smirk "I hated every bite. No way I'm going to allow you to destroy pizza again!"
"I told you!" mom said to Cooper with a huge grin "Honey, you wanted to tell me something..." she turned back to me, but it was too late. The moment has passed.
"It's nothing. Just something Mariana told me. No biggie!" I brushed it off as I stood up
"Oh...okay," I heard mom sigh after me as I walked out of the kitchen
After dinner, we all settled down in the living room and watched TV together for few hours. It was a quiet evening at home, which is usually what I loved the most, but today the fact that I couldn't get mom alone was troubling more and more. I went upstairs first, had a quick shower, brushed my teeth. By the time, when I was in PJ, I heard mom walk upstairs. She disappear in bathroom for a while.
Walking out to the hallway, I heard the TV still running downstairs. Cooper might be still be watching some movie, so I might just get enough time alone with mom after she comes out from bathroom. I went back to my room and sat down on the bed, while I waited for mom. From the top drawer, I took out the ultrasound and looked at it for a while.
It still amazed me that this little human being is growing inside of me. At 5 weeks a tiny heart starts to beat. Doctor said it's the size of a sesame seed right about now. It will soon be 6 week old. By that time nose, mouth and ears start to take shape, intestines and brain are starting to develop. Week later hands and feet start to emerge form the developing arms and legs. It's amazing - the growth of the baby. Fascinating. A true miracle. But ,unfortunately, this little life isn't bringing me the happiness that it usually does to other woman. I wished this hasn't happened, because I didn't want to be put in this spot, where I had to make this decision.
I thought about it for a long time. Really, really thought about it. About all the ways a baby would affect my life. I have made my choice. And even thought it's a hard choice, one that many people would judge me and hate me for it, it's the right choice for me. This baby won't grow much bigger, because I have made my final choice – I will do an abortion. One day, I would love to have a little boy or girl, but that time is not now.
I heard doors opening or was it closing. Followed by footsteps leading to the master bedroom. Moms footsteps. It was time. I had to do it now or I would never be able to tell her.
I set the ultrasound image back in the drawer and got up from the bed. Once I was to my closed bedroom doors, I took few calming breaths before I opened the doors and walked out to hallway.
The doors to moms bedroom were open. I heard her walk around, even saw a little glimpse of her through the partly open bedroom door.
You'll need her! You have to tell her – I told myself as I found myself hesitating once again
I used the fraction of second of courage that I had gotten to march over to my moms room. I'm not even sure if I knocked, but I found myself standing one foot in moms bedroom the next second. Mom was standing with her back turned to me, with bare back and PJ pants on by the bed. She pulled her light grey SDPD issued t-shirt over her head.
"Hey," she said as she turned to me and adjusted her shirt
Because I hadn't said a word back, but was just standing there, staring at her, she walked closer to me "Everything okay?"
I watched how she came up to me, concern in her eyes. The urge to cry came over me. All I wanted was for her to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But all I did was suck in my lower lip and look down to the floor as I was too afraid to seek her comfort right now, because I didn't know she would feel about my decision.
"No," I whispered out slowly and lightly shaking my head, almost choking up
"What's the matter, honey?" Mom placed her hands on my upper arms
"Stupid commercials! Can't watch a movie without a commercial every 5 minutes," Both of our attention was averted to Cooper, who had just walked inside the bedroom
"Ugh!" I groaned in frustration that Cooper once again ruined my time alone with mom "Can't you ever just give me a minute alone with my mom!" I snapped at him and stormed pass him out of their room, in the process I even bumped into him with my shoulder
I headed straight to my room, slamming the doors behind me loudly. It felt like the house shook a bit from the force. As I sat down on the bed, I started to cry. Not sure why. I might have been simply overwhelmed by everything that was happening. Maybe it was the fact that I was still hiding this huge secret from the one person that I need the help from the most. Hiding my face in my palms I leaned down as the tears fell down my cheeks.
"What!?" I yelled out as I sat up straight taking my hand away from my face, when I heard a knock on the doors
Mom peaked her head in. I ran my hands over my cheeks, trying to hide the fact that I had been crying.
"May I come in?" she asked warily
"Is Cooper going to march in here as well?" I snapped back
"No," Mom replied instantly as she stood in the door. Her voice was firm, but at the same time soft.
I averted my look down and sniffed back "Then yes,"
Mom came up to my bed and sat down next to me. She wrapped her right arm around my back and pulled me to her side. I lowered my head to her shoulder and wrapped my hands around her stomach. We sat like that for few minutes. I sniffed few times as I was still trying to calm myself down. Mom kissed my head couple of times as she simply held me.
"What's going on Callie?" Mom coaxed gently after what felt like 5 minutes
I glanced up to mom and looked to her eyes for a while. There was so much love and concern in her eyes. Her right hand moved up to my head and she stroked my hair for couple of times.
"I'm 5 weeks pregnant and I'm going to do an abortion," the words simply came out of me. I was no longer scared. No longer afraid of what she will say, how she will feel. It felt good to finally let her know what was going on with me. I felt relief. No longer I had to lie to mom.
Mom took in a deeper breath right after I dropped the bomb. Her fingers, that were pressed to my upper arm, squeezed into my skin a bit deeper from the shock, but her left arm briefly stopped stroking my held the breath for a second or two, but her eyes never left mine.
I didn't say anything else, because I wanted for the shock, that she was in, to pass. She needed to process the news. It takes time. It took me hours, if not a whole day. I remember, when I dropped the news bomb on her about the fact that I wanted to become a paramedic. She had just sat on the couch for few seconds, just processing the news.
Mom tilted her head down. Her right arm was still wrapped around me, but she lowered her left hand down to my lap and took my hand.
The sign, that the initial shock passed, came when the questions started to come "Is Gavin the father?" she asked looking back to my eyes. Mom didn't seem angry or disappointed in me. She was calm, but I got a very serious vibe from her.
"Yes," I was planning to stick with the one word answer as long as I could
"Does he know?"
"No,"
"Are you going to tell him?"
"I don't think so. We are no longer together. It's my body. My choice."
"When did you found out?"
"Two days ago. I had an appointment with Dr. Reed few hours before our self-defense class," Mom nodded her head back and paused the questions for few seconds
"Have you thought about the other options?" she asked next looking right to my eyes
"I have," I confirmed briefly glancing down to our hands "It's the only thing I thought about ever since I found out - about my options and how each of them would affect my life!" I stated back as I looked back at moms eyes "I don't want a kid right now. I'm not ready to be a parent. The responsibility..." I trailed off as I started to slowly shake my head "What I want right now, is to think about me. I want a career. I want to make something of myself. In few years, when I'm ready for it and want it, I would love nothing more to bring a child into this life. But not right now, not when I'm..forced to, because of a stupid condom that didn't do it's stupid work!" a small and brief smile appeared on moms lips "And you know I can't give this baby up for adoption. I won't be able to sleep at night,"
"So, you're completely sure, that abortion is the way you want to go?"
"Yes!" I said confidently. I knew this was the right choice for me.
"Have you set an appointment?"
"Not yet, but I will call tomorrow,"
The next second I got very timid. Mom saw that and moved her hand up to my face, to run her fingers fondly over some hair that went around my ear. She tilted her head a little bit to her left, to have a better look into my eyes.
"Mom, will you come with me?" I asked gazing to her eyes
Her answer came without any hesitation at all "Of course I will," She placed her hand on my left cheek as she kissed my right temple. I leaned my head back to moms shoulder, seeking comfort from her again.
"Everything will be okay," Mom whispered to me as she pulled me a bit closer to her side
August 22nd
"Like I mentioned before, there are two possible ways we can do the abortion," Dr. Reed explained to us. In my lap were the booklets about abortion that I read in the waiting room, while I waited for my time.
"Option one – I can do dilation and curettage or as it's called and more knows as D&C," I nodded my head back, knowing that acronym and what it stands for and at the same time, showing my doctor that I was listening to her
"It's a brief surgical procedure," I glanced to mom quickly. Her eyes were on the doctor as she was listening carefully to everything she was saying. Word - surgical - made it sound like a very serious, long, painful procedure during which I would be exposed and very vulnerable.
"During this procedure, you would lie on your back on an exam table. Your heels would rest in stirrups, like during a pelvic exam. I would then put special instruments - rods –into your opening to gradually dilate your cervix," she continued to explain and with the end of the pen, gestured to the anatomy image that was on the table to give us a better understanding. I cringed a little as she explained the dilation part. Mom reached over to me, grabbed my hand and squeezed it, feeling and probably deep down knowing, how badly that scared me. It did not sound comfortable or pleasant at all. Just trying to picture the procedure in my head, made parts of my body hurt.
"Once your cervix would be adequately opened, I would take either a spoon-shaped instrument, called a currete or a suction device to remove the uterine tissue," Dr. Reed continued to speak in the same gentle and slow manner
At least my doctor was very understanding. I had read up on internet about some woman experiences about abortion. Some wrote that their doctors were not being very nice. Others felt judged by the medical staff, but few woman had been told by a doctor and other people in their lives that they're making a huge mistake, like they had known what is better for them.
"How long would it take?" My mom asked what I was thinking
"The procedure takes around 15-30 minutes," Dr. Reed answered looking briefly to my mom, but at the end focusing her look on me as I was the one who would actually have to endure it
My mouth got real dry, real quick right before I asked my question "Would it hurt?"
"For this procedure you would receive anesthesia so you wouldn't feel pain or discomfort," Dr. Reed replied, calming me down with that answer
"What about the side effects?" Mom had this look in her eyes and her voice tone sounded a bit different – that's how I knew she was in super mom mode. I first saw it, when she took me to my first psychologist visit few years back. Another occurrence, when she was in mom mode was, when she was asking Cooper, at that time only my physical therapist, all sorts of questions about the recovery of my then broken arm.
"Possible side effects are cramping and light bleeding or spotting. It would last for few weeks. It's rare, but there have been cases, when the cervix is damaged or the uterus is perforated. Like with any surgery there is a possibility of getting infection," She explained
"And what about the chances of Callie getting pregnant later on? Does this procedure in any away affect that?" Mom was now asking the real question. This was probably something that I wouldn't have thought about myself, because I wasn't thinking that far away.
"Studies have shown that fertility is not affected. D&C can affect the lining of the uterus making it thinner, if scraping is used. Because of how far along Callie is, I would most likely use suction, but scraping only if necessary. That lowers the possibility of having any complication,"
I scratched my temple nervously "And the other option you mentioned?"
"The other option is to induce medical abortion,"
Mom shifted in her seat "Does that mean…uh, that you would induce miscarriage?"
"To say it shortly – yes," Dr. Reed confirmed "There is a drug called – mifepristone – that would block the hormone called progesterone, causing the lining of the uterine walls to shed. Similar to any normal menstrual cycle," she once again pointed with the end of the pen to the image of the uterus "24-48 hours after taking the first pill, Callie would have to take four more pills called - misoprostol. Withing 4 to 6 hours of taking the pills, the womb lining will start to break down, along with the embryo. The bleeding will be like a heavy period. The abortion would take few hours. I can't tell an exact time, because it varies to all woman. It would be like an early miscarriage. Some say it feels more natural. Unlike surgical procedure there's no shots, no instruments, no scraping or suctions,"
To be honest, it freaked me out. Well, to be fair, all of this freaks me out, but the fact that I can just take few pills and abort the pregnancy, is surprising and scary at the same time.
"Compared to surgical abortion you won't be given any anesthesia," My doctor continued answering all of the questions we asked before "The pain can wary from mild to very strong off and throughout the abortion. But you would be able to take over-the-counter pain medication, like Ibuprofen, Tylenol, to help with it. Similar to D&C, chance of getting pregnant in future isn't affected,"
"But there's a bigger chance that it can fail, right?" I asked shifting a little in my seat
"Yes, that's true. There's a 97% success rate. If it fails, I would have to do a surgical abortion to make sure the abortion is complete," Dr. Reed confirmed, but as she saw the worry in my eyes, she added "Chances of the medical abortion to fail grow as the pregnancy progress. You are only at the end of week 5, so I would say there is a very slim chance that the procedure would fail,"
Once again, after Dr. Reed was done talking, followed another question. This time the question came from my mom "Is this done at a clinic?"
"Medical abortion can be done as an outpatient. Callie could be at home, where she would feel more comfortable, surrounded by family or friend, not medical staff. It's recommended that someone is always stays with her, in case there's a complication and Callie has to get to hospital or need any help," At that said, I glanced to mom the same time she glanced to me. I knew who that person would be - mom. Without a doubt. Wouldn't want anyone else there.
"How are you with seeing blood?" Dr. Reed asked me the next moment, getting my attention
"Uh," I was a little bit taken aback by the question "Good, I guess," I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say, nor did I understood complete, why she asked me that
"I'm asking because if you chose to do medical abortion, you would have to look at the blood cots and tissue that you pass. Some people are a bit...skittish, when it comes to blood," She explained as she held the pen, that she had used as a pointed a while ago, between her hands holding it at each side
"I don't think that would be a problem. I'm a paramedic, so..." I shrugged my shoulders that way finishing my thoughts
"That's good to know," Dr. Reed nodded back, a small smile briefly appearing on her face
"Which procedure would you suggest would be better suited for Callie?" Mom asked the following second. Dr. Reed finally set the pen down, but now she interlocked her hands on the desk in front of her.
"Because Callie is at the end of the 5th week, which is quite early stage, I would advice to use the medical procedure. It's less invasive, can be done at home, in more private environment, and knowing, what you have been through, I would say that it would be more comfortable. The abortion process will take few days, but you have the support system at home, that can help you and you won't be alone," she answers mostly looking to my mom, but then she averted her eyes to me "But ultimately, Callie, it's your choice, which procedure you would like to use. You are in the period, where both procedures are available to you. Once you will be pass 7 weeks, medical abortion procedure is no longer an option,"
Both of the older woman looked at me, waiting for me to say something.
"I can give you two some time to discuss-" Dr. Reed said after a moment
"No!" I called stopping the doctor from standing up and leaving "I want the medical abortion. The rod thing doesn't...it uh...I really, really didn't like the dilation part," my doctor nodded her head, acknowledging my decision
"I know these questions are annoying, but I need to ask you again. Are you completely sure that you want to do an abortion?"
"Yes," I stated back "I'm sure!"
"Okay," Dr. Reed sat up a bit straighter "I would like to go through the medical abortion process step by step once again, before we actually start so you are aware of everything that will happen and have no more questions," She stated. Mom and I both sat up straighter in the chairs as we began to listen to every step of the procedure, so that there are no surprises as I actually go through with this.
AN: I hope I got this as accurate as I could. While the internet is full of information about this subject, the information varies in each site. It's hard to understand which describes the process most accurate. Reading articles about woman going through this process differs as well, as you can imagine, there are different experiences.
Thank you everyone, who still continue to follow and read this story, despite the sensitive subject and the long time between the chapters that I take to write it (I just want to get it as accurate as I could). I appreciate the support and encouraging words. They mean a lot, because I'm always doubting myself and I'm always super hard on myself. Knowing that I haven't let you down and that you are enjoying this story, is truly a relief.