Content warning: mentions of Rose's past with Adrian, mentions of sex
I froze, a cheese-covered chip halfway to my mouth. I was scared to eat it for the fear of choking as I felt my chest tighten.
Beth's eyes were sympathetic. "I've already turned in my syllabus to my dean and my chair of my department, and I don't have much wiggle room once it's submitted. It's also a case I've been covering since the trial with my students, and it's one that I've become well versed in."
I finally managed to eat the chip and pulled the syllabus towards me, flipping through the pages. It didn't take long to find the module that she had mentioned. It stretched across a few weeks, and during the second week of the module was my name.
Week 10: California v. Adrian Ivashkov (Rosemarie Hathaway v. Adrian Ivashkov)
Below the module heading were a few pieces of required text for that week, including news articles about the trial.
"I wanted to discuss this with you and work out any necessary accommodations to make this as easy as possible, even if that means dropping the course," Beth said.
"Nothing's going to make it easier," I said. "I'd rather be there in class, hearing what's being said, than hear about it around campus, even though I know that that'll happen anyway."
The waiter stopped by to drop off our food, and I picked up my fork, forcing myself to take a bite even as my stomach twisted further into knots.
"I don't want to hold back your class either," I said. "That last thing I want to do is make waves."
"I never expected to have personal connections to the cases I teach in my classes, and when I saw your name on my roster, I couldn't let you just walk blindly into that on the first day. I knew that I had to reach out to you. I don't want to push on such a sensitive subject."
"I can tell you now that I'll likely be very quiet during that module, so I hope class participation isn't a huge part of the course grade."
"While there is a class participation component to your grade, I would never penalize you for something like this."
"What all will be discussed?"
"Mostly the court transcript and some of the evidence in the case. None of the pictures or videos from the trial will be shown, and while we'll be covering his escape from prison, I'm just going to be glossing over his death. We won't have a discussion on that. I also plan on implementing rules for your privacy and consideration during the module to make it as easy as possible on you, but I also plan on doing so without alerting anyone to the fact that you're in the room."
"I appreciate you giving me the heads up so that I wouldn't be blindsided," I said.
My phone buzzed, and I glanced down.
Dimitri (13:27): I know you're busy, but Levi is hungry and fussy and he's refusing to take his bottle.
Rose (13:27): You can bring him in. I'll feed him.
I look up from my phone. "My fiancé and children are going to join us for a moment if you don't mind."
"Of course not," she said.
Dimitri walked in a moment later, trying to soothe Levi with a pacifier as Katerina walked beside him. I slid over in the booth so that Dimitri could sit next to me, and he passed me Levi before pulling Katerina onto his lap.
Levi settled the moment he got in my arms and made quick work of my blouse to feed him. Dimitri helped adjust the blanket over him and my chest, protecting my modesty.
Dimitri and Beth were talking quietly but I saw Dimitri's eyes glance down at the syllabus, and when he stiffened, I knew that he had seen my name. I could tell from the gleam in Beth's eyes that she recognized Dimitri as well, which made sense if she'd been covering the case since the arrest and trial.
"What is it that you teach?"
"I teach a wide variety of gender studies, and Rose will be in my intro class in the fall," she said.
"And that includes a section about her?" Dimitri's voice wasn't frigid, but the normal warmth was gone.
Beth looked apologetic. "I've been covering the case in my classes for the past few semesters. Even though it has since concluded, I've continued to teach it. It's why I asked Rose to meet with me so that she would know about it beforehand and had the option of dropping the course if she wished."
"Dimitri, it's okay," I said.
"Are you sure?" he asked lowly.
I nodded. "I've handled worse. I can handle a course with a small section about myself."
"If you say so," he said, pressing a small kiss to my forehead.
He took Levi from my arms to burp him so I could continue to pick at my pancake, and I pulled Katerina onto my lap to give her some. I could tell from the look that he gave me that there would be a lecture about me not eating when we got back to the house.
"Congratulations on your engagement," Beth said softly. "I hadn't realized the two of you were together."
Dimitri shrugged. "We tried to keep it out of the news. The last thing we needed was harassment about us. So, we kept it as lowkey as possible."
The topic strayed from me as the lunch continued and both Katerina and Levi were asleep by the time we wrapped up. Beth covered the meal, insisting on paying for it since she was the one to invite me.
As we stood, she pulled Dimitri aside, talking to him in a soft undertone. We had once again switched off on carrying the children, and Levi was in a carrier strapped to my chest that Dimitri had previously been wearing while he carried Katerina. Beth wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He slipped it into his pocket and mouthed later to me when he realized I had noticed.
"Thank you again, Rose," she said, before leaving the restaurant first.
"What did she give you?" I asked, and we walked out and towards the car.
"Her number," Dimitri said. "She wanted to know if I would mind giving a guest lecture during that week since I worked on the case as well as to be there for you during the week to make things easier for you. She told me to reach out to set everything up through the university."
"Oh," I said. "Makes sense that she'd want you to talk about it since I'm not planning on saying anything."
"I'm more concerned with being there for you, and I promise to be there for every class during that week."
"I love you," I said, kissing him as we reached the car.
Dimitri was already in bed when I came out of the bathroom that night, and I crossed the room to climb on the bed and straddled his lap. I saw his brief look of surprise before I leaned forward to kiss him.
"Rose," Dimitri said, pulling back from the kiss.
"You said we could try," I reminded him, shifting on his lap.
"I did say that, but I want to make sure you're sure. And it's been an emotionally draining day."
"And all I want is you. I'm sure. I want this. I want you," I said. "I love you."
I slipped my hands under his shirt and rucked it up enough to make it easy to pull over his head. I shifted against him again and just barely heard him moan and felt him pressing against me. A shiver ran through me, partially fear and partially excitement. I leaned back slightly, just enough to pull my shirt over my head too.
"Roza," Dimitri whispered, his hands finding my waist. They were warm against my waist as he gripped me tight. "You're beautiful."
I didn't bother correcting him, didn't want this to stop. I knew if I said anything, I would get a lecture, so instead, I leaned forward and kissed him again.
I let him unsnap my bra as he trailed kisses along my jaw and neck. He continued to worship me, pressing burning kisses everywhere he could reach, even leaning down to suck a nipple into his mouth. Pleasure raced through me, and I cried out, my back arching involuntarily.
He switched to the other side, and I carded my fingers through his hair, urging him on. I felt him get harder against me and moved my hips to grind down against him. He let out a groan, vibrations running through me.
He moved then, swiftly lifting me off his lap and flipping us so that he was hovering over me. Ice-cold fear rushed through me, and I whimpered.
"Please, no," I whispered, gripping Dimitri's biceps and pushing.
He let me shove him away and moved to the end of the bed. I sat up, grabbing my shirt and hastily pulling it back on.
"Roza?" Dimitri said softly. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I—"
"You don't have to apologize or explain," he said. "We both knew it wasn't going to be easy."
"But I shouldn't be equating him to you! You're not the same. You're nothing like him."
"I know," he said. "You're not equating us. Based on your last experience like that, I'm almost surprised it didn't happen sooner. I should have let you keep control. It's okay that it takes time. I've waited before, and I can wait some more."
"It's not your fault," I said. "I was too optimistic to think that we would succeed on the first try."
"It's not your fault either, Rose," he said.
"Okay," I said, holding back tears.
He moved closer. "Can I touch you?"
I nodded, and he pulled me to him, and I relaxed in his embrace. My body shook as tears fell.
"It's okay, Roza," he said, rubbing my back. "We'll get there. It's going to be okay."
"I just feel so fucking broken," I sobbed. "He ruined everything."
"We can try again. We can try as many times as we need to," he said, soothingly. "This isn't an end all be all."
"But what if it never works?"
Dimitri shrugged. "Then so be it. Sex isn't a deal-breaker."
"I don't deserve you," I muttered.
"It's me who doesn't deserve you," he said.
"Don't lie."
Dimitri pulled back to look me in the eyes. "Roza, that's the furthest thing from a lie. I am so lucky to have someone like you as my fiancée. You're an amazing mother, amazing friend, an amazing everything. I am so proud and thankful that I get to spend every day of the rest of my life with you."
I wiped at my eyes. "You're going to make me cry again."
Dimitri winked. "Just think of it as a precursor to my vows."