Trigger/content warning: mentions of miscarriage, mentions of abortion, mentions of ectopic pregnancy
It took a week for us to get an appointment with an OB/GYN. Dimitri took the morning off work, and we dropped Katya and Levi off at daycare on the way to the appointment. We arrived fifteen minutes early, but they called us back into the room after only waiting for five. The nurse who brought us back gathered all our information and the reason for the visit before assuring us that an ultrasound technician would be in soon. I made myself comfortable on the exam table, and Dimitri and I sat in comfortable silence until the ultrasound tech came into the room.
"Good morning," the tech said, walking into the room after knocking. "My name is Susan, and I'll be doing your ultrasound for you today. Do you know how far along you are?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "My period was due two weeks ago."
"Sounds like you'd be around six or seven weeks, so we'll start with an abdominal ultrasound," Susan said. "Have you done one of these before?"
I nodded.
Susan smiled. "Great! Then you'll know the gel is usually a little cold, but we have warmed it here. Let me know if it's too warm."
She spread the gel on my exposed stomach, and I was grateful for it being warmed. I still flinched when the wand touched my stomach, but the weird sensation faded as she moved the wand around. I glanced at the screen, waiting for the image of the fetus to show. When it didn't show, I glanced at Susan, who was frowning. A moment later, she removed the wand and wiped the gel off my stomach.
"You might be earlier in your pregnancy than we thought. I'd like to do a transvaginal ultrasound instead," Susan said. She turned and pulled a gown out of the cabinet. "I'll give you a moment to change, and then we'll get started."
Susan left the room, and I quickly changed into the paper gown, before making myself comfortable on the table again. Susan knocked on the door a minute later, and Dimitri called for her to come in.
"Have you had a transvaginal ultrasound before?"
I shook my head. "No."
Susan smiled. "It's not that bad."
She showed me the ultrasound wand and talked me through the steps before having me slide down to the end of the table. I put my feet in the stirrups and tried to relax.
"Okay, Rose," Susan said. "We're going to get started. You might feel a little bit of discomfort."
She slowly inserted the wand inside of me, and I did my best to stay relaxed. Susan moved the wand around for a moment before turning the ultrasound screen towards her and hitting a few buttons. The ultrasound only took a few minutes, and before I knew it, Susan was removing the wand.
"Okay, Rose, all done," she said. "The doctor will be in soon."
Susan left the room, and I removed my feet from the stirrups, sitting up in the bed. Before Dimitri or I could say anything, there was a knock at the door, and the doctor walked in.
"Hi, Rose," she said. "I'm Doctor Manning. How are you doing today?"
"I'm okay," I said. "How are you?"
She smiled. "Doing as well as I could be."
She washed her hands at the sink before taking Susan's seat at the ultrasound screen. She didn't say anything for a moment as she looked at the images on the screen and Susan's notes. When she stood up, there was a grim look on her face.
"Your pregnancy is an ectopic one. I'm sorry," Doctor Manning said.
"What does that mean?" I asked, biting nervously on my lip.
"It means that it's not viable. The fertilized egg has implanted in the fallopian tube. We'll need to perform an abortion."
"An abortion?" Dimitri repeated.
"An abortion is the only option. If left to develop, the embryo will eventually rupture the fallopian tube and could result in death," Doctor Manning explained.
I took a deep breath, my brain barely processing what she was saying. "Okay. Let's get this over with."
The procedure was easier than I thought it would be. Dimitri was allowed to stay in the room and gripped my hand the entire time. It was over within fifteen minutes, and we were heading home within thirty minutes. The ride home was quiet. I stared out the window, the music playing softly in the background.
"Rose—"
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, interrupting Dimitri.
"That's fine," he said lightly. Something in his tone told me that I wasn't going to be able to say that twice. "I wanted to see what you wanted."
He gestured out the window, and that's when I realized we had stopped at a McDonald's.
"Can we go through the drive-thru? I don't really feel like going in anywhere."
"Sure."
Dimitri joined the drive-thru line, and it didn't take us long to reach the order box. I ordered a crispy chicken sandwich while Dimitri ordered a Big Mac and some nuggets. We both got fries, and I knew Dimitri would probably end up eating most of mine.
We parked in the parking lot after getting the food, and Dimitri handed me my sandwich and fries. I devoured the sandwich, not realizing how hungry I was until Dimitri handed it to me. I also devoured the fries and was shocked when I realized that I was still hungry. Dimitri offered me a few of his nuggets when he realized that I was finished eating, and I happily accepted them.
"I figured you'd be extra hungry. The doctor said it was important to get you some food," Dimitri said lightly.
"Thanks," I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, Roza."
When we got back home, I immediately went into our bedroom and laid down on the bed, tugging the covers up to my chin.
"Rose?"
I looked up to see Dimitri in the doorway.
"I'm calling out the rest of the day," he said. "What do you need?"
"Can you just hold me?" I whispered.
"Of course," he said, crossing the room in a moment.
He took off his jeans and climbed into the bed behind me, pulling me close to him. Exhaustion hit me out of nowhere, and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep.
The sunlight was still illuminating the room when I woke up, which made me think that it hadn't been long since I fell asleep.
"How are you feeling?" Dimitri asked softly, realizing that I was awake.
"I'm fine." I wriggled out of his grip to move onto my back.
"I don't believe you."
His tone wasn't accusatory, but I still bristled. I sat up in the bed, sighing. Dimitri also sat up.
"You've been through a lot today," he said. "It's okay to not be okay."
"Dimitri, I really don't want to talk about it," I whispered.
"We have to."
I turned in the bed to face him. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Yes, there is," Dimitri said.
"What do you want me to say?" I demanded. "Do you want me to sit here and explain how I'm fucked up? I can't even give you a child without messing up."
"Roza, you're not fucked up. Shit happens, and we'll get through this. It'll be okay," he murmured. "Even though Katerina and Levi aren't biologically mine, they're still mine. You've allowed them to be mine."
"That doesn't change that I'm damaged."
"No, you're not."
"What else would you call it?" I asked, standing from the bed.
"Roza, please," Dimitri pleaded, grabbing my elbow. "Believe me."
"I can't," I whispered, fighting back tears. "How can you say that after this? Katerina and Levi are proof that I can have kids, with a monster nonetheless! I've been pregnant so many times that this should be second nature to me."
"Rose, this isn't your fault. You told me before that you had miscarriages. Nothing you did caused those, and nothing you did caused this."
"You don't know that."
"The cause behind ectopic pregnancies is still relatively unknown," Dimitri said. "I promise you, Roza. This isn't your fault."
I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and started sobbing. Dimitri pulled me into his arms, holding me close as he soothed me.
"It's going to be okay," he murmured. "We'll get through this."