AN: Long time no new chapter. Well, that changes today. Happy 2nd Christmas day.

Also, one of you mentioned wanting Gavin back for chapter to see his reaction. I would also like to hear what others think about it. So the questions is - would you like to see Gavin back? If so short term/long term?

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy. Hope this makes up for the long wait.

Callie POV

There was a speech, of course. Always is. No matter how small or big the occasion of gathering is.

It was Stef's turn to do the honours.

Before the toast even started, before we even all sat down at the table, before we even arrived here, I knew that the speech would somehow involve me. Just like it had been about mom and Stef, when they had been shot. To be honest, I really wasn't looking forward to it. Reason for that, I didn't want to be in the centre of attention. Even without the speech, I was going be treated special. More than anything, I wanted this day to be normal. As ordinary as they used to be...before. When coming to BBQ over at Adams Foster was just dinner with family. When nothing was being celebrated, because nothing out of the ordinary had happened. When the reason for the gathering was to be together. Nothing more.

So, when Stef stood up and tapped her fork at the glass to get everyone attention, I looked down to my lap to avoid their looks. Not wanting to see the hurt in anyone's eyes, but still listening and paying attention.

"I want to start off with a quote by Lisa Weedn," There was a strain heard in her voice, by that I could tell it was going to be a very emotional toast for Stef. It was no secret, that behind that hard exterior Stef was a big softie, with a big heart, who loved hard.

"Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life."

I nodded my head a couple of times liking and acknowledging what was said, but didn't look up. It was a nice quote that summed up perfectly what real family was like. What family should be. I was lucky enough to find that kind of family.

"It also means, that all the good and all the bad that happens to one family member – happens to everyone in the family," Stef put it in words perfectly, what being part of the Adams Foster – Scott Ellis family means. I couldn't say it better myself. One for all, and all for one. It doesn't matter how small or big an achievement is, or what one of us is a heartbroken, sad or disappointed about - to the rest of the family, it is a big deal. Frankie got a gold star in spelling competition, Mariana didn't get the job she wanted, Brandon was praised by the top composers for his newest piece, Jesus finally saved up and brought a new car, Jude's boss was being a huge douche - all big deal.

"Callie," Stef paused and I had a feeling that now everyone was looking at me, I felt my cheeks getting warmer "This goes without saying - we all love you so, so much and we are all so damn happy and grateful that you are here with us today," Stef sounded like she was holding back tears, trying to keep her emotions from spilling out.

Closing my eyes, I smiled to myself at Stef's words as I was happy myself as well. The moment I did, I felt mom place her hand on my back. She was running her hand up and down my spine, simply reminding me that she's there.

Across the table, I heard Mariana sniff quietly. The movement I heard after that, suggested her twin might have scooted closer to her and wrapped her arm around her. I did not open my eyes or look up to see. No, I didn't want to see their hurt looks. I felt guilty enough for putting them through it.

"You and Jude-" Stef continued "You two are the core of this family. The glue, that keeps us all together."

Jude reached over and placed his hand over mine, his fingers curling around my palm gently.

"It's very strange, to think about time, when we didn't know you Callie. Didn't have you and your mom and your whole family in our lives. Because you are a big part of our lives. We were incomplete without you, but we didn't realize it back then. For a while we thought...we...feared we were going to lose you." Stef chocked up, the last words came out as a whisper "And those were some of the worst hours in our lives."

For the first time since the toast, I raised my head up and looked at the people at the table. Stef had tears in her eyes and by the looks of it, Lena's grip on her hand, was the only thing that kept them from falling.

Her lower lip quivered and she took in a shaky and short breath "You scared us, love!" Stef admitted honestly as she held my gaze.

I wanted to say I was sorry, but knew it would be a waste of my breath. No one here wants my apology. No one here needs it. They would say I don't need to apologize. Tell me, it was not my fault. And it wasn't, I knew that. It's not like I asked for this. Hurt myself on purpose, just to see all of them worried sick. All they need from me is to get better.

"But thankfully, you are a fighter. We know the road of recovery is hard, but everyone here knows you can do it. Don't be afraid to fall down, because we-" she looked around the long table to each and every one here, they all nodded back "-we all got your back, love."

"To Callie!" Stef raised her glass up

"To Callie!" Stewart repeated loudly from the other end of the table, the others joined in. I reached for my glass of water and raised the glass up as well

Mom leaned over and kissed my temple, before she took a sip of her own drink.

Some hour after the toast, after the first round of eating was done, people had separated into smaller groups. The last I saw the family, they were all in the backyard region.

Harold and Stewart hit it off well, despite the fact that they had met each other only hour ago. They had stood leaned at the big tree, each with a bottle of beer in their hands, chatting away.

Same went for Linda, who was somewhere inside the house with Dana and Sharon. The three of them had taken a bottle of red wine and disappeared into the house. I believe they were in the nook area as I could hear laughter coming from the house every now and then through the walls.

Jude had been pulled away by Frankie to play higher than ground, along with Mariana, Jesus and Brandon. Duke had been running along with everyone, but mostly sticking closer to Frankie for some reason. Playful banter and teasing was heard from them all of the time.

Last I saw mom, she along with Cooper, Lena and Stef were sitting at the table, talking. No doubt about me. I was sure, that mom needed to get things off her chest to her friends. She needed to vent as I was sure, I was getting on her nerves and her patience with me was getting thin.

Needing a moment to myself, I had gotten up from the bench on the backyard and made my way around the house to the front of the house to sit on the swing bench.

To pass the time, I had started to count the cars and people that drive by or walk pass the house. When no cars had driven by, my eyes often set on the group of teenagers huddled around an old Volkswagen by the house on the other side of the road. By the looks of it, they were trying to fix it, all together. It wouldn't start. There was the classic red toolbox on the ground by the car, next to a petrol can and what looks to be a can of oil, because the liquid was black. One of the boys was under the car, others passed him wenches and other tools. Every now and then, one of the boys would get behind the drivers seat and try to start it up. I had watched them struggle for so long that I was now rooting for them. I hoped they would succeed and the car would start.

Another car drove by. I took my eyes of the group of the teenage and watched as the car drove pass.

22 cars – I thought to myself, when someone walked up to me.

Stef stood in front, holding her hands behind her back with a mischief smile on her lips. I still the swinging chair with my healthy leg.

"I would offer you a glass of wine, but your mom said I shouldn't, so I brought you the next best thing."

"Which would be what, exactly?" I asked, curious, raising my right brow. Don't know what to expect of her. But the excitement I heard in her voice was contagious and now I was getting excited about this mystery object as well.

The next moment, I was looking at a kids juice box in Stef's extended hands. Apple and orange flavours. I let out a small laugh, before I look up to Stef and reach for the one with apple flavour.

Stef takes a seat next to me on the bench and by doing that, swings the chair again.

I struggled a bit with the little straw – to get it off the box, out of the package. Stef wanted to offer help, I could feel it. That energy radiated off of her. I felt her eyes on my hands as I struggled. She ran her palm over her jeans a couple of time, but eventually pulled her hand in a fist to stop herself from reaching over to help. She managed to hold off long enough for me do it on my own.

We sit and sip our drinks through the small straw for a minute. Without talking. Just watching the street.

"How are you doing?"

I slowly turn my head toward her

"Sorry, I know it's a stupid question-"

"No, it's fine," I look back to the juice box in my hand "I know you care, I know you are worried. This is the first real time I'm...out." I put the straw between my lips and take a sip of the sweet drink

"So?" Stef wondered, when I still hadn't given her an answer.

My first answer was a shrug, as I didn't know what to tell her at first. But I knew a shrug or the word "Fine" was not going to be a good enough of an answer. So I tried my best to explain "I keep thinking back to the time, when you and mom were shot. And how easy you made it look. Recovery, I mean. I can only truly compare it to mom, but...still..."

"Oh, honey, it was not."

"Mom never complained. Never whined. Was doing her therapies on time, gave 110% at them, sometimes even added extra reps. She never got angry with anyone, never lashed out, didn't cry. Even when she was in pain, she never...she..." I shake my head "She got through the pain. Sometimes she even didn't want to take the pain medication because it made her feel...not like herself. I had to beg her to take it, because I couldn't take it, seeing her be in pain any longer." I shake my head at the memories

"And then I look at myself," I sighed and shook my head a couple of times, disappointed with myself "I struggle all of the time. I have lashed out on her so many times, because I'm angry with myself. She's just always there and it's so easy to put it all out on mom. Or Cooper. I complain about doing therapy all of the time, whine about how hard it is, how exhausted I am afterwards, how sick and tiered I am of the stupid routine I have every day. Same old stuff, over and over and over again."

I turn to look at Stef "To answer your question – not good."

Stef reached over and placed her hand on my wrist, probably ready to give some great advice or comfort. But I needed to get it off my chest, while I was still in the sharing spree.

"It's baffling to me, how she hasn't just given up on me!"

"She would never give up on you, love!" Stef replied with such intensity and certainty that it was hard to argue with her "Moms never do."

"I keep expecting her to. Just waiting for her to raise her hands up and go – I'm done."

"That is the fear, spent in foster care, talking," Stef tucked hair behind my ear

"I know, I know that! But I can't...I can't-" I squeezed my eyes shut

"Callie," Stef said after a moment of silence between us, I opened my eyes "You didn't see your mom the first day."

My head snapped towards Stef.

This was the first time I heard someone talk to me about that day. Not about me, but about mom. Everyone I asked, avoided the topic. By everyone I mean Cooper, because Linda and Harold were not there till later. I knew if I asked mom, she would not tell me the whole true. She would not tell me the whole through, to protect me.

"She didn't speak for the first day," Stef said setting her empty juice beside her

My lips parted at the newfound information.

"What?" I got out quietly, barely a whisper. Not even sure that Stef heard me.

"Not to Cooper, not Jude, not to Lena or anyone else, not even to the doctors or nurses," Stef shook her head and a long paused followed "Simply couldn't. Your mom was too terrified of loosing you. Too shaken up by what had happened, by what she had seen. So, when there was hope that you would survive, that you would make it, that you would have a fighting chance – Amy held on. She held on to the hope and she vowed to never let go. Never let go of you. Because in those first hours, in that first day – she got a small taste of what it would be like to live a life without you. And she didn't like it."

"So, Amy will take all of your anger," Stef pointed her index finger at me "You can scream and hit, whine and bitch all you want – she doesn't care," she waved it off "Your mom will pull you to therapy by your feet if she has to. Carry you for miles if you can no longer walk. She will stay up the all night holding you if you need to, because you are her daughter and she loves you in a way, that you aren't really capable of comprehending at this point of your life!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I kept staring at Stef's eyes, still holding on to the now, almost empty drink in my hands.

For a long time, I was at loss for words. Stef's words still heavily playing over and over again in my mind. I was trying to picture mom in that state. And while it was hard to create that image that, I remembered the first days after Aaron and Markus died. The empty look in her eyes, when she had stood by their graves after their caskets had been lowered down, and stared down to the two men in her she had loved. It wasn't so hard after I remembered that How she had basically locked herself in her room after the funeral and she simply laid there. Not doing anything. Barely eating, not showering, not moving. Not really talking to me, her parents or her brother. Just, barely existing.

It created a very vivid image in my mind. Almost too vivid for me to handle as I no longer knew what I can do with this sort of information. I set the juice box down.

Stef scooted closer to me and wrapped her arm around me "Come here," she urged gently. I leaned closer and put my head on her shoulder and let out a shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry," Stef whispered in my ear "It was too much for you. I shouldn't have told you about your mom not being able to-"

"No," I stopped her "I'm glad you did."

Stef planted a kiss on my forehead, before she leaned her head against mine and held me for a moment.

The front doors opened and Frankie appeared on the porch. Her little hand still holding on to the door handle.

"Found them!" She called out, turning to someone in the house

"Seems like a search party was sent out for us," Stef joked as I leaned off her shoulder

"Will you play with us now?" Frankie asked, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. She had asked me this same question 3 times already. It was getting too painful to keep refusing her.

I shook my head "You know I want to, but I can't." I felt a jab in my heart each time I saw the disappointment in her eyes. It killed me more each time.

"Why?" she asked innocently, twisting a little in her space

"I'm hurt, Frankie."

"Jesus is hurt too. He still played with me. Why can't you?"

"What?" my eyes grew big at her last statement. What was she talking about?

I turn to look at Stef, searching for an answer.

Her mouth parted, ready to answer, when Amy came out to porch, her hand placed on Frankie's shoulder.

"There you are. I wondered where you went."

"Did you know?" I asked accusingly as I stared at mom

Amy looked over to Stef, down to Frankie, up to me – reading the room "Um...knew what?" she seemed genuinely confused

"Jesus, being hurt," I clarified "Did you know he was hurt?"

"Oh!"

There it was.

"Oh?" I stood up, feeling the rage growing inside me because this piece of information was kept from me. I should have known this.

"It was not a big deal, Callie!" Amy said, but it was too little, too late. This went against everything, that I thought during Stef's toast. Everything this family stood for.

"He got his shoulder dislocated at work some few weeks ago," Stef tried to calm me down, she reached for my hand. I pulled my hand out of hers. The quick and sharp action hurt, but I wasn't going to show it "Doctors popped it back in, he wore a sling for a while. He's fine!"

"And you didn't think to tell me?" I said in a raised voice as I turned to Amy "What about...about this family thing? Huh? When did you all vow to keep stuff from me?" I gestured between the two adults "Was there are meeting that I missed or what? Is there something else you have kept from me?"

Mom leaned down to Frankie "Frankie, can you back inside, please? I need a minute alone with my daughter," she said very calmly and in soft voice, before she stood up straight

"She didn't answer me!" Frankie said, looking up to my mom

"Frankie, please. Do what Amy asked," Stef said standing up

"But she-"

"For fucks sake! Are you blind!?" I almost screamed it at Frankie, losing all control over my emotions "Can't you fucking see how injured...broken I am?!" Amy had managed to cover Frankie's ears somewhere in the middle of me screaming it at her

"Callie," Amy said in a warning tone, while she stared at me. Clearly pissed at me, at my behaviors, yet her voice didn't give it away. Her eyes did.

Frankie turned and ran inside, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Stef walked pass me, without saying anything, only giving me a look.

Mom and I stared at each other.

I felt a lump in my throat. My mouth was dry.

Heart beating fast and heavy inside my chest, I could hear the echo in my ears. They were pulsing as well. Felt a headache raising as well.

All the newfound information, the anger I felt building up inside me, the screaming – it all made me feel light-headed. My blood pressure must be raising as well.

I swallowed back.

The sound of the car backfiring made my right ear pop, making me hear white noise with my right for a moment. It wrecking havoc in my brain as flashes of the explosion clouded my vision.