Amy POV
When I returned home, I got a bad vibe that Callie was acting weird and avoiding me.
I stumbled in the house carrying my bags around 9pm. Cooper greeted me with a kiss, Duke jumped around me wiggling his tail like crazy, but I did not see any sign of Callie being home. Before Cooper told me, I was amusing she was out with Beth or over at Adams Fosters. I found Callie in her room. Her back turned to the door. Being quiet as a mouse and pretending to be asleep. She looked small on the bed. I recalled many times I have found Callie in a similar position, hiding from the world, making herself as small as humanly possible.
I have lived long enough with Callie to be able to tell, when she is keeping her eyes shut and keeping perfectly still versus actually sleeping. Nevertheless, I still pulled the cover to her shoulders, stroke her hair few times, kissed her temple and whispered "Sleep tight, baby," before leaving the room and closing the doors behind. As soon as the doors were closed, I heard Callie move around the bed. by the sound, I guessed, she rolled on her other side. For a moment I contemplate about turning around, opening the doors and going back in. But in the end decided against it. I was tired, in need of a hot shower and missed my comfortable bed. Whatever it was, it could wait till the morning.
In the morning, she didn't eat breakfast with us. Instead, she went on a run. Which was not exactly concerning, but unusual. Did not realize had started to jog, but it was good for her. So I did't say anything, even thought breakfast normally was our time for catching up. I had missed my girl for the past week and simply wanted her company. It's been a week since we last spoke and it seemed too long. With the way how things were going , I started to wonder if she had missed me at all this past week.
When she returned home, Callie went straight for a shower. Didn't even walk in the kitchen to get a drink, gush about her run or greet us. I had thought I would intercept her and talk to her after she has had her shower, but no. When I had heard the shower stop, I waited for few minutes, giving her time to dry her hair and get dressed. As the footsteps moved around upstairs, I decided now was the time for me to go talk to her.
As I was moving towards the staircase, Callie was coming down.
"Hey, morning, sweetie," I smiled brightly at her, putting my hand on the banister
"Hey, mom!" she jumped the last step down, greeted me while barely looking at me. Not going to lie, that hurt a little. It also made me think if I had dome something wrong or missed some important milestone while I was gone for the week. But nothing came to mind.
"You going somewhere?" I noticed the wallet in her hand and that she was dressed for going out. No sweatpants and comfy t-shirt, instead she was wearing jeans, blouse and her old, reliable and favorite converse sneakers.
"Yeah, just heading out-" she said walking pass me to get the car keys from small table by the door "You don't need the car, right? You have a free day," Callie asked, holding the keys up in the air
"You can take the car," I replied as I followed her around just two steps behind
"Thanks," Callie said, with her back turned to me
"Are you in hurry? I wanted to talk-" I started to ask
"Got to go!" Callie spoke over me, pretending not to hear me or just plain and simply ignoring me
"To you," I finished quietly, doubt she heard me. I had been gone for a week. All I wanted was to sit down with my daughter and asked her about how her week was, maybe tell her about mine. I started to question myself if I was asking too much of her.
"Love you," She gave me a quick kiss on my cheek almost as if that was suppose to make up for the fact that she's avoiding me. I barely managed to mumble it back, before she bolted out of the house leaving only a small gush of wind behind her.
I walked over to the living room and watched through the window, how she sat in the car, closed the doors, but didn't drive away. She just sat there for a minute. Not doing anything. Looked like she was talking to herself or something. She covered her face couple of times, even slammed her hand on the steering wheel once. Then leaned her head down to it, forearms covering the wheel as well. A moment later, she sat up straight, looked in the rear view mirror at herself, before she started the car and drove out.
Arms wrapped around my waist and a body pressed up to mine. Cooper asked as he started to kiss my neck "You okay?"
I titled my head a little, giving Cooper a little bit more access to my skin, enjoying the sensation of his lips on my skin. Closing my eyes, I let myself be lost in the feeling for a little bit. That was until, I remembered, why I was feeling down. Opening my eyes, I looked out to the empty driveway.
"Callie's acting weird," I said it out loud for the first time, even thought I had thought about it for a while now
"Ah," Cooper let go of me and took a step back. That was a suspicious. I did not expect to get that reaction from him.
I turned on my heel and looked at him "Ah?" my eyebrow raised and wheels started to turn in my head. That was not sound like a good kind of – ah. So something was wrong, something happened while I was gone. I took a step closer to him "What does ah mean?"
"Don't freak out-" he put his hands out, trying to assure me all is...was...handled. It made me think there really was something that I should be freaking out about.
"That only makes me want to freak out even more, Coop!"
Cooper cleared his throat "There is probably something you should know. It's about Callie. Wanted to tell you over breakfast, but you were so carried away by telling me about your week, that I thought it could wait a few minutes."
"What is it?"
"I can tell you the big picture, but you should probably call and talk to Lena. She had a….a very interesting talk with Callie about it...and-" he started to stammer at the end
I took Cooper by the hand, walked us over to the couch and sat down "I want you to talk to me first. Tell me what you know."
Few hours later, I was all caught up with the latest news. After hearing what Cooper had to say, seeing the group chat on WhatsApp, I ended up calling Lena. In hindsight, it probably would have been smarter to just drive over there and talk to her face to face. But at that moment, I didn't really feel like driving anywhere. Callie did also have my car. Could have taken Coopers, but still...didn't feel leaving the house. We ended up talking over the phone for more than 2 hours. My mouth was completely dry afterwards and Cooper said I even had a small phone imprint on my cheek from the phone. Lena told me everything she knew during our phone conversation. All she knew in all the detail, not leaving anything out.
Not soon after it was lunch time. Cooper and I decided to order in, instead of making anything ourselves. Pizza was our choice. We left some for Callie as well, for when she returned home. I was more than waiting to sit down with her for company during dinner. It would be a great time for us to talk, but when Callie finally returned home she had announced she had eaten already and didn't want pizza.
Another warning bell went off in my brain. For two reasons.
First, who doesn't want pizza! Callie has never said no to pizza, even when she has eaten. There is always room for one small slice of pizza.
Second, she was most definitely, 100 percent, without a doubt avoiding me. She had barely looked at me again. Had stood in the doorway, just long enough for me to see that she was home, before heading upstairs. Further away from me.
"Okay, I will go put an end to this," I said, more to myself than to Cooper, as I patted Coopers thigh twice, before getting up from the couch
I had just made my way up the stairs, when Callie came out of her bedroom dressed in her gym clothes, again. She smiled at me walking pass me, but said nothing. Acted like everything was normal.
I first mumbled quietly to myself "Seriously?" then said out loud to Callie "Going for another jog?"
"Need to do my exercises. Sorry," Well, I give it to her this time. At least she was sticking to her physical therapy plan and not skipping those.
"I was just coming up to talk to you," I said as I was following her through the upstairs hallway
"Can we can talk after-" Callie said already walking down the stairs
"We can talk while you do-"
"Please don't take this the wrong way," Callie stopped on the stairs and turned around to look to me "But I kind of want to be alone for a moment. Please?"
How can I not respect her wanting a moment of peace. That was what I had always preached to her. If she wanted to be alone, needed some alone time, then she should just ask for it, not run away or slam doors in my face. So I nodded my head and backed off "Sure."
"Thanks," Callie smiled, before turning around and heading down to first floor
"Afterwards?" I called after her as she walked into the kitchen, to head out to the backyard. All I heard was a weak hum. Not sure if it was affirmative or not. She was out of my sight the next moment. I heard doors opening and shutting.
Defeated, I headed back down myself and slumped down next to Cooper. My seat, where I had sat before, was still warm. That was like a slap in my face for how pathetic my approach had been.
"Next time," This time Cooper patted my leg
It usually took around 2 hours for her to do the exercises. That was exactly what I was aiming form. As the 2 hour mark drew close, I got up and headed out to the backyard. There was no wind out, but the air was refreshingly chilly.
Callie was lying flat on her back, in a star position, arms and legs out on her yoga may. Her chest was raising up and down, she was breathing heavily. I heard a little moan, when she gathered herself up do another set of the core exercise. With each rep, the form she was suppose to hold, kept getting worse and worse. Suggesting, she was too exhausted, sore and out of energy to do it correctly.
I stood on the porch, watching and waiting for her to finish.
"Aaaagh," she groaned out as her legs and arms once again hit the mat
"I hope that was your last rep, because you should not be doing that...whatever that was, again!" I announced myself to the girl and stepped down the porch, starting to slowly approach her
Callie tried to til her head to see me, but when she realized, I was way out of sight for her, she gave up and just continued to breath heavily, while staring into the sky "It was the last."
I waited a moment longer, giving her a moment to gather her strength and breath back. When she moved to sit on her knees, I finally crouched down to her "We can talk now."
Callie wiped the sweat off her arms, chest, neck and forehead with her palm "Ugh...sticky," she whined, then sniffed her armpit and said "I stink. I need to take a shower." Yet another excuse to avoid me.
"No!" I put my hand on her shoulder, stopping her from getting up "Shower can wait, honey! We need to talk," I said firmly enough so she would know that I was not messing around. Sweat does not repel me. Neither does vomit, pee, poo, blood, puss, mucus, snot or any other kind of bodily fluid. She won't get away that easily this time.
In her eyes, I saw that this was exactly what she was dreading the whole day. She bit her lip and looked sideways. At least she didn't try to run away.
"Cooper said you had a rough week," I said, watching closely for any change in Callie features and body language, waiting for any kind of reaction from her
Callie's head did snap up to look at me, but once she saw that my eyes were on her, she tried to play it down. Looked back down to the stretching band that was next to the yoga may, till eventually she picked it up to keep her hands busy.
"Lena and I had a really...interesting conversation," I said carefully
"Huh. Really?" Callie hummed, pretending she had no clue what it was about. Which, I was sure she knew, how pointless it was.
"Yeah. She told me some thing-" I sighed and shook my head, deciding she doesn't need me to retell what Lena had told me. She was there for that talk after all. Instead, I scooted a bit closer to her and asked "Callie, love, what's going on?" I placed my hand over hers, stopping her from fidgeting around with the stretching band
There was a long pause. Maybe Callie was waiting or wishing that I was going to speak, to continue whatever I had first wanted to tell her. But me retelling what she lived through this past week, did no good. I wanted to hear it from her what was going on in her mind at that time. There was no place I needed to be, so I could wait all the time for her to gather the courage and strength to tell me.
After a long silence as she slowly lifted her head to look back at me "Life feels sort of….boring. Nothing in my daily routine excited me," She threw the stretching band away "I was just trying to feel some excitement...feel alive."
"By doing reckless things?"
"I had a bad week, okay?"
"Bad day, I would understand. Bad week? No," I shook my head "That just sounds like an excuse for you making, quite frankly, simply stupid decisions for 7 days in a row."
"What do you want me to say?" Callie snapped back "I screwed up," a pause "Or maybe I'm just screw up!" she declared and then looked back down to her lap and whispered quietly "Who knows at this point? I self-sabotage my own life, before anyone else gets the chance."
Seeing that she was clearly struggling, I decided now was not the time that I lecture her and scrutinize the every bad decision she made for the past week.
"You're not a screw up,"
There was something that she said, that stood out. It had caught my attention and I knew I won't be able to sleep at night if I don't ask her about it.
"You said, you wanted to feel alive," I scooted a bit closer to her and once again reached out to place my palm over hers. My fingers wrapped over hers and rubbed my thumb over her palm "Are you saying...do you feel depressed?" the last word came out as a whisper
Callie shook her head, her eyes still focused downwards
"Suicidal?" I added in the same whisper tone, scared
"No, it's nothing like that!" Callie quickly assured me, finally giving me the much needed eye contact that I was missing. Also, her answer calmed my racing heart down significantly, I let out a relieved breath.
"Can you help me understand then?" I asked softly, hoping she would and I would not have to pull it out from her
Callie took a breath in and licked her lips before she started "I don't have a death wish, I don't want to die. Quite the opposite actually. I just want to live!"
I tilted my neck as I waited for her explain.
"Everyone around me...is doing something with their lives. Brandon is writing symphonies and performing on big stages, Mariana is creating apps, Jesus is building tree houses for kids, Jude is having the time off his life at university, Frankie's actually getting real good at the acting thing in the drama club…and I'm just..." Callie shook her head as she let out a breath "Everyone is doing something with their lives, except for me. For the last, almost 6 months, I am stuck. Wasting my life. Existing. Not moving forward. Day in and day out, I do the same stuff all over again."
I understood where she was coming from. Being in recovery does feel like that. Because you are not moving forward, you are trying to get back to the same place you were before. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It's like going back to school, after you have already graduated. Or running in the same place, while seeing how others, your friends and family, run past you and soon are so far, you can barely see them. It's frustrating, being left behind and having that feeling of being stuck.
"If what happened has taught me anything, is that life is short and it can end at any moment. You won't even see it coming. When I was in the hospital, I remember thinking about all the things I hadn't done. That I wish to do. Yet, for some reason, I had never gotten around to actually do them. Maybe, because I was scared or because I always thought I would do it some other time, next month, next year...or because you wouldn't let me-"
"Of course I would not let you get in a fight with some random person at a store!" I blurred out
Callie chuckled, and quickly replied "That was not on my bucket list. I was in a bad mood, everything was irritating me, getting on my nerve. He had cut us off with his bike earlier and it just...ugh...he just got to me."
"Good to know," I mumbled quietly "You were saying?"
"I figured I should do some of them, while I still can. The things on my bucket list, I mean. I didn't want to wait anymore, because, what if I die. What if something like that happens again, you know?" Callie contorted her mouth and looked to the side. I saw tears in her eyes, but I also noticed that Callie was fighting them "I thought a lot about the conversation Lena and I had and I realized something. Even thought she was right about me being scared of dying, in the past weeks, months even, I had been more scared of living. I haven t really been to a park. Whenever shopping with you or Cooper, I constantly look around, because if I would see a backpack or gym bag unattended, I would run to the nearest exit. I don't like being in crowds, even more so than before. Every stranger I see or walk pass on the street looks suspicious to me. If Duke sniffs the air too long or growls at some stranger, I'm getting out of there."
"That sounds…."
"Like I'm paranoid?"
"No. You have PTSD Callie," that wasn't just my observation. Her therapist had diagnosed her with it. But we had tried to not make a big deal out of it. Callie didn't want people to know, so we kept it in the family. Callie was working on it with her therapist for months now.
"I went through something similar, after I was shot. Became more jumpy at loud, sudden sounds. Every tall, skinny teenager reminded me of the one, who shot me for a while. I avoided bakeries for a while, as I was scared it would happen again. All my senses where hyphenated," I shared, wanting her to know that she's not the only one who goes through stuff like that
"It's okay to be scared, love." I rubbed my thumb over her palm "Honestly, I would be more worried if you weren't scared. If the ordeal hadn't affected you at all." And that was true. I would rather her feel pain, than nothing at all. Because when you become numb, when nothing worries you, nothing gets to you, that's when you should really be concerned.
"And doing things on bucket list is nothing bad. In fact, I would advise you to do them. Just-"
"Not all at once?" Callie guessed as she glanced back to me, the tears still there, in her eyes
"Yes, not all at once. Not so recklessly. You can't endanger others, just to cross a thing off your list. I'm sure Jesus would go Skydiving with you, but you do need to discuss it with him first. Jude will probably design some matching tattoos for both of you. Mariana, while being very girl, would put on a racing helmet and go race with you on a track, if you two plan it together."
Callie was slowly nodding her head, hopefully agreeing and hearing everything that I said just now.
"I think, what made it even worse, was that I miss my work. The boredom comes from that," Callie said after a small pause "I miss helping people. I miss the adrenaline. The unknown that I used to get from it, the daily challenges that I faced. Every day was exciting. I hate what I have become: weak, useless, unimportant..." Callie waved her arm around
"You are important to me and you are not-" I quickly interjected and was ready to add to the other things as well, but Callie cut me right back off
"Well I know that!" Callie said in a louder voice, voice that suggested she was on the edge of cracking "But you're my mom and that is not the same!"
All I wanted was to pull her in a hug and hold her, till all the bad thoughts she has passes. Seeing and hearing how little she thinks of herself, will always hurt.
"I want to leave a mark in this World. Be somebody!" She indicated clearly "The only way I know how to achieve that, is by being paramedic," she tapped her finger to her chest "I was good at it. Every day, every call - I made a difference. There are people out there-" she gestured towards the street, to the wide World around here "That are alive, because of me! I want to go back to my job."
I pressed my lips together, trying to stay strong and not break down along with my daughter.
"But I can't, because my therapist doesn't think I'm ready for it yet!"
Callie let her arm fall down. Silence fell between us as I waited for Callie to continue to pour her heart out. With her head down still down, she looked to me and said in a hushed voice "I don't know how much longer of this nothingness I can take, mom!"
Quickly, I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arms around her. Callie was leaned towards me, her turned head rested on my shoulder, but her arms didn't hug me back.
"You'll get there. I promise. Just be patient," I told her as I held her close and run my palm up and down her back, comforting her
~o~o~o~
There were two trucks and an ambulance in the hanger. At the far back stood red car with the firehouse logo on the side doors. Looked like one truck was missing, so I figured it was out on a call. Heard some chatter coming from the truck. As I got closer to the entrance in the firehouse, I saw that two men were checking inventory for one of the trucks. Saw a ladder, saws, hoses, fire extinguishers, bolt cutters and all other different kind of tools lying around. But it was not in a mess, it looked organized. The two men knew exactly how that mess was organized.
Not wanting to disturb them at their important work, I entered the firehouse and looked around as I had no idea which direction I should be heading towards. Never been here before. The closest I have been is I have dropped off Callie by the street. That's it. I've never been inside before.
The safest way would be to find someone who I recognize. Preferably Beth or the Captain Jennings himself. I don't really know anyone else in the firehouse Callie works with. Sure, I saw them in the hospital, but besides that I hadn't talked to any of them. I'm not even sure I would recognize them if I walked pass them on the street or sat next to them during movies. Callie has mentioned some by their names, but I don't have faces to those names.
In the end, I decided to follow the noise. By doing that, I found the break hall. I stood by the entrance, with my hands on my police belt, as I surveyed the room.
One guy looked like he was studying, another guy was simply reading a newspaper. Third guy was tinkering with what looked like some sort of hardware, not sure if he was breaking or trying to fix it. At the far end of the room, the oldest looking guy was cooking something. A group of people were sat at the large table, playing some sort of game. In that group of people, I recognized Beth as well.
While their break hall was full with people, no one seemed to notice me walk in. Even as the doors swung back and forth behind me. Everyone was busy doing something, passing time in their each way. That was until, Beth looked up. Her brain must have still be processing what her eyes saw, because she looked back down to the board before she did a double take and jumped up from where she was sitting at the large table, knocking what looked like scrabble board along with her. The guys she was with all exclaimed, groaned at her clumsiness, expressing their disappointment with her ruining the game.
"Amy!" she exclaimed seeing me, then tried to unsuccessfully save the falling scrabble board and it's pieces, but failed miserably. In fact, she accidentally knocked a piece of the game to the middle of the room.
"I was winning!" One of the guys whined, gently throwing a piece of the game at her body. It hit her arm, she turned to him to glare at her.
'You messed it up, you clean it up! I'm not touching it," The guy, who sat with his back to me said to her raising his arms up and pushing his chair back, getting further away from the table.
"This game was boring anyway," The bald guy said, leaning back in the chair, putting his feet on the table and crossing his arms behind his head "Who's Amy?"
"Callie's mother!" Beth pushed his legs down, they hit the ground with a thump. That thump was the last noise in the break room, before it went silent. They were all up to their feet the next moment and all turned to look at me. I looked around the room once more. The guy from the cooking area was coming over. The youngest looking, who was studying closed his book. The scruffy guy who was tinkering the hardware put his tools down and quickly got up to his feet. The one with grayish hair, folded the newspaper and got up to his feet as well, I now noticed that he had the word "Lieutenant" written on his shirt.
Beth hurried around the table to get to me. She tripped over another chair, it fell over making a loud noise. I flinched at the sound of it.
"Hi. Hey! Amy...I mean, Mrs. Scott Ellis-" Beth breath out when she finally was up to me, she stuttered a little bit "How can I help you?" she didn't know what to do with her arms. First she wanted to cross them, then thought about putting them in her pockets and scratching her side. Eventually she pressed her hands to her waste. But as she looked uncomfortable that way, she let them fall down to her side.
"I wanted to speak to your Captain. Is he in?" I asked her. Only when I glanced over Beth's shoulder, I noticed how everyone in the room was watching me. They were all listening in. I chose to ignore them all for the moment and focused back to Beth.
"Yes, he is."
"Can you show me where I might find him?" I asked Beth
"Sure. Follow me," Beth touched my upper arm briefly "I will take you to his office."
I had turned around to follow Beth out of the hall, when one of the guys asked "Mrs. Scott Ellis, Callie's coming back, right?"
Slowly, I turned back around to face all of the guys. The worry I saw in all of their faces surprised me. It seemed genuine. Even though I did not know his name, I could instantly pick out the guy, who had asked the question. It was the youngest looking guy, the one who had been studying before I entered. He was fidgeting more than the others. Looked more nervous.
I replied back a head nod and a short, yet clear answer "Yes," I said with a small smile, before I turned back around. Beth was holding the door open. I walked out and waited for her to show me the way. Beth led me down the hallway in the complete other direction I had come in. After what seemed like 10 second walk, we had arrived.
The doors to his office were open. He was reading something in a file, when Beth knocked on the door frame.
"Sorry to interrupt, Captain, but Callie's mother is here. She wants to speak to you," Beth had leaned in the office a little
He took one look pass Beth to me, before standing up and closing his file "Thank you Beth. Mrs. Scott Ellis, please come in."
"Thank you," I dragged my hand softly over Beth's as I pass her and close the doors behind me to have some privacy. Her curious look was the last I saw of her.
"Please, sit down," Captain Jennings gestured to one of the seats, while he walked around his large desk. I took a seat, crossing my legs as I took in his office. It was very neat and organized. There were two photo frames on his desk. I assumed it contained photos of his family. On the wall behind his desk, there were news clippings, group photo of the firehouse, some badges and awards. He clearly was proud of the firehouse he was running. From what I knew, he was doing a great job with it.
On the left, was a large window, that out looked the street. Not much of a view as we were on the first floor. But the window did bring in a lot of light and probably some nice look when the Sun was coming up.
When I glanced to the right, I saw a big map of the San Diego. Next to it, was a more detailed map of the area Firehouse 11 was working in. I recognized some of the street names and park that was not far from here. The one where it happened. My eyes for some reason were drawn to the park on the map. I clenched my jaw as I thought about the day.
"Lot of lives lost, even more lives ruined that day," Captain Jennings words pulled me out of my thoughts. Quickly I ran my hand over my mouth and turned to look a him. He was now sat in the other chair that was facing his desk, only he had turned it more towards me.
"You don't have to tell me that," I said quietly, agreeing with him, my eyes lingering on the map one last time
"I heard, Callie's is on the road to full recovery," I assumed that Beth was the main source of that information. She has become the sort of in between person, one foot with the Firehouse, other foot with our family.
I nodded slowly a few times "Not quite yet, but...she's getting there. It's been hard couple of months."
"Understandable," he acknowledged with a small head nod and a sympathetic look
I uncrossed my legs and just like him, I moved the chair a little towards him and leaned forward "I know you are a busy man, so I'm just going to go ahead and say what I wanted to say."
Captain Jennings just nodded and listened.
"What you said at the hospital. Did you mean it?" I asked straight forward, staring right at him.
He leaned back in the chair, but did not break the eye contact with me. His hand raised up to his mouth as he thought thought for a minute, before replying in a non-nonsense tone "Of course, he lowered his hand down "Callie is part of this firehouse. She's part of our family, now and forever, wherever her life takes her in future. If she needs anything, we will not hesitate to help her and her family! Whatever you need, we're here for you."
"I believe, what I'm about to ask, falls directly into your hands. You being her Captain and all..." I know I sounded a little bit ominous and secretive
"I'm listening," Captain Jennings leaned forward, pressing his elbows to his knees, intrigued