Jude POV

As I walked back to the pool house, I could barely hold it together. I had pulled my hands in fists the moment I had left the dinning room and I hadn't let go since. Squeezing my fists so tightly, the nails dug in my skin.

The only reason why I didn't slam the doors behind me as I entered the pool house, was because I remembered that I was a guest here and I needed to act like one. I can't go around slamming doors, shouting and throwing objects across the room. Instead, I put all my anger and energy in stomping back and forth the bedroom, all while muttering to myself all that I had wished but did not dare to say back at my siblings.

After two minutes of trying to contain my anger, I marched over to my assigned bed and picked up my bag, which laid on top of the bed. With all that I got, with all my strength and anger that was boiling inside of me, I slammed the bag down to the floor all while screaming at the top of my lungs. It felt so good to let it all out.

The longer I stared down at my bag, the more I got the urge to destroy it. Not the bag itself, but the one object, that I had hidden in it. All the way down, underneath all of my clothes and shoes and hygiene stuff I had taken with me. After the feedback I had gotten from my family, it had been stupid of me to assume that Brandon would have felt differently about it and would want to read it.

I crouched down and started to ransack through my bag, throwing everything left and right out of the bag to get to it. By the time I found it, almost all of my stuff was on the floor, around me. Holding it tightly in my hands I looked at it, trying to come up with ways how to get rid of it.

There was a soft knock on the doors and then Lena's voice sounded from the other side of the doors "Jude?"

I looked at the doors, but did not move from my spot down on the floor. Nor did I answer her. I had nothing to say to her.

"I'm coming in, okay?" Mama waited a short moment for me to answer, but when she didn't hear my reply, she entered

The doors pried open slowly and she peaked her head in first, before she took a full step into the room and closed the doors quietly and tightly shut behind her. Mama stood with her back against them, as she took in the mayhem around me. Saw it in her eyes as she processed it - all kind of emotions passed through them, until eventually they settled on the - oh, honey - look.

"Take it!" I extended my arm towards mom, urging her to take it away from me. I wanted it out of my sight. I wanted it gone!

Mama frowned "Why?"

"I don't want it anymore," I said as if it was the obvious answer. It was to me.

Sitting on the ground, staring at it, I had realized that while I no longer wanted it, I could not destroy it myself. I simply couldn't. I had poured so much of me into it. In a way it felt like it was part of me. I did not have the strength to destroy it - no matter how badly it needed to be destroyed. I had put so much hard work into it.

"Toss it. Rip it. Burn it. I don't care - just get rid of it. Please!" I wiggled my hand a little, urging her to take it away from me again.

"You don't mean it," mamas voice was as soft as it always is in situations like these - when she tries to comfort one of us, even when we screw up.

"Yes I do!" I snapped back, being highly convinced that this time I most definitely did not deserve her love or soothing words or gentle approach

"Callie hates me because of it," I jumped up to my feet

"She doesn't hate you! Sure, she's angry and upset, but she doesn't hate you."

"Yes, she does," I waved that stupid thing in the air, hoping Lena will take it from me once more "Everyone hates me, because of it. The twins as well. Mom has barely looked at me this whole day. Even Amy and Cooper both gave me that – how could you - look. If I give this to B tonight, he would jump on the - hate Jude - wagon without a doubt. Sure, he may not have as much reason to, but he still would. If not for himself, then to defend the others. And you-" I stopped to take a breath, already though in my head what I was going to say about her - Even you, although, I know you would never admit it, hate me for it!

"I don't hate you, love," Mama's response followed in an instance, no hesitation in her voice.

A joyless chuckle escaped my mouth – I had already predicted she would say it.

"No one hates you. Not mom, not the twins, not Amy and Cooper and definitely not Callie. We could never hate you," Mama said taking a quick step closer towards me "Sure, we are all upset-"

"A little?" I scoffed and shook my head "Do you call - that - a little? Or the flight here? Or the day before that?"

"They all just need a little time to process it. They-"

"They?" I looked mom dead in the eye "You are trying to tell me that you don't? That you don't hate me?"

"Jude-" Mama took another step closer to me

"I hate myself!" I shouted back. Back then, it hadn't felt like such a big deal. Now, I knew I made a mistake now and I could not understand, how I could have been so stupid then.

I looked down to my hands, to the book manuscript that I was holding, and I wanted to cry. I still hadn't decided on the name of the book, so the title page only read "UNTITLED by Jude Adams Foster". It was still just a very rough draft, yet it had already done enough damage. I was stupid to think that I could actually go through with it.

"I hate myself for writing the damn thing!" I tossed the manuscript onto the bed. Watched as it bounced once, before settling on the bed cover and wiped at my eyes to hide the tears that were building up.

Mama reached out to place her hand on my upper arm, to comfort me, but I did not allow it. Moving my shoulder back, I gave her the cold shoulder. I was too angry with myself to allow myself be comforted by Lena.

"No. Don't...I don't deserve it."

"Don't deserve what? My love for you?"

I nodded my head, avoiding her eye contact. My eyes were glued to the source of the evil - the book that I had written.

"Yes, you do. Jude...just because you made a mistake one time, doesn't mean we stop loving you."

I felt her grip my hand and before I realized it, I was sitting down on the bed, next to Lena. The book rested between us. I couldn't take my eyes away from it. It was better to look my mistakes dead in the eye than to see the disappointment and hurt in Lena's eyes.

"It's a good book," Lena's voice was faint. It barely got through to me as I was so buried in my own thoughts.

"What?" I stuttered, taking my eyes off the book

"It's a good book," She repeated placing her hand on top of it "The story line is captivating, the characters are well written, each one has their own little journey, how they all come up together in the end. It has satisfying and happy ending, but it's not too sappy and it's not way it is written - each chapter tells a story about one of the characters - that will for sure keep readers interested. There are of course some grammar and punctuation mistakes, strange wordings here and there, little things that can be fixed in editing phase,"

Lena's finger touched the corner of the pages, she pressed her finger, lifting it up and then let the pages one by one fall back down "Its the fact that you wrote about our family, without even as much as asking us about it, that has gotten all of us so upset. I mean," she reached for the book with both hands, picked it and shuffled through the book as if searching for something in particular

When she found what she was looking for, she handed the book over to me "You included some of the most personal and traumatic events from our lives."

I looked down to the book and swallowed. It was opened on page 113, the chapter about Zoe's character. She was the character that I based upon my sister. While the character appearance was nothing like Callie's, the personality and life journey was. The chapter Lena had opened up, despite what it was about, was the most defying one for Zoe's character. I looked at the top paragraph and read it quietly to myself.

"Zoe locked the bathroom doors. Only after she heard the lock click and the doors wouldn't open after she turned the knob, she felt somewhat safe.

She felt sick to her stomach and it hurt, it hurt so bad. Zoe pressed her forehead to the doors, hand still on the door knob, and closed her eyes. The second she closed her eyes, his face, Russel face, appeared in front of her in a flash. With a gasp, she opened her eyes and jolted back away from the doors as if she had been burned.

Zoe went to the bathtub and started to fill it with hot water. While the water was running, she took off her clothes. The hot water burned her skin, but she welcomed it like an old friend. She much rather felt this pain, than the pain she had to endure and felt while her foster brother had raped her."

I blinked my eyes, trying to get rid of the tears.

While all seems lost for Zoe's in this chapter, in the next one she finally gets to meets another main character – Erin – and this start to take a turn for better for her.

"Why did you do it?" I looked up wondering if mama truly wished to know or if she was just asking, because, it was the right thing to do in these kinds of moments. But mama was always genuine. When she asked a questions, she always wanted to know the answer. She always listened.

I saw her tilt her head to one side "There has to be a reason, why you did it, Jude."

I bit my lip as I thought back to the moment. It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be to put it in words, when asked this bluntly. I thought about it. Really thought about it. Seconds passed, but mama waited patiently.

"Fear of forgetting," I said slowly still thinking about my answer and whether or not I should rephrase it

"Forgetting what?"

"My sister," I saw the questions in Lena's eyes, but she didn't voice them, she allowed me to answer them on my own pace "I have barely any memory of my mom, I was afraid that I would forget Callie as well."

I felt my eyes burn with tears. They were building up and it was getting harder and harder to keep them contained.

Lena frowned her eyebrows "Why would you forget-" she stopped mid-sentence, realizing the reason behind it - if she had died in the bomb explosion. She reached out to me, placed her hand over mine.

"Callie and I were talking about our mom a few years ago," I elaborated "I did not have any memories of her. Nothing that I could share that she already didn't know. All the stories that she told me about our mom - I had no recollection about any of it. I barely remember the way she looked. The picture we have of her - with the three of us..."

Lena nodded her head, knowing the picture I am talking about. The one were we are sitting on the stairs. Mom in the middle, with me sitting on moms knee, but Callie standing by her other side.

"When I look at that picture, it is almost as if I am looking back at a stranger. Her voice on the other hand..." I shook my head suggesting that I have no memory of how it sounded

I tilted my head down "Callie said she used to sing to us, that she had the voice of an angel. She said that I could listen to her read to us for hours...yet, I can't- " I shook my head as a lone tear dropped down my cheek "I don t know how the voice of my own mother sounded like. Haven't for years."

"You were afraid that would happen with Callie as well?"

I nodded my head slowly and continued on "I was sitting by Callie, in the ICU unit, watching her sleep. It was either the first or second day she was there. Still a touch and go. She was covered in all the medical stuff – bandages, wires, tubes and other stuff. I could barely recognize her, she looked so beaten up. I didn't see my sister. All I saw, was a broken body, that somewhat, resembled my sister. I had no idea if she was going to be the same Callie, when she wakes up. And all I could think about was - what if this was the way I would remember her. That this would be my last memory of her."

"This one nurse came in to check on her. I was the only one there. Amy had gone home to shower and change, but Cooper had gone out to get us some food. She started to chat with me. I think she was just being nice to me. The nurse asked me about her – what was Callie like. And I…" I finally set the book down and closed it

"I did not know what to tell her," I admitted as I set my eyes back on Lena "I didn't have an answer. I tried to come up with a story that would describe her personality, of what she was like, what we were like together. But I couldn't think of anything. My mind was blank."

Lena's mouth parted.

I knew what Lena was going to say, so I beat her to it "I can think of hundred stories now, of course! I have had a lot of time to think and remember. But back then, I couldn't and I got scared. I got so scared. When I got home that day, I couldn't sleep so I...I wrote down all these snippets of things, of stories about us. About her. Everything that I could remember."

"You wrote about her because you never wanted to forget about her," Lena concluded

"Yes," I confirmed, my voice slow, soft and quiet.

"How did it become a book? How did the rest of us...got included?"

"Well," I shifted in my seat a little "It was around the time, when Callie was in the rehab. I had this homework in one of my writing class, to write a first chapter to a book. We didn't need to write an actual book, just the first chapter, if we would ever write a book. It was a creative task. We needed to have whole story idea, characters, the world and everything else that would happen, everything that comes with writing a fiction story. I decided to re-write a story that I already had written – a story about Callie. Planned the whole book around it in my head. Then, handed in the homework."

"And the teacher.?"

"Gave me an A+, called me to talk after class to talk about it. She was the one that suggested that I should think about writing a full book. And I did. As for the rest of you - it's hard writing a story about Callie's life when all of you aren't in it. I had already imagined how I would add you all, how to tell your stories, when I worked on the first chapter as homework. One by one, the rest of you appeared. Jesus and Mariana were Mario and Ava. You became Lita, mom became Sara. Oliver is B and Ashely is Frankie. Turned Amy into Erin and Cooper into Will."

"And you became Vincent," Mama added at the end

"Yeah,"

"Jude, if only you had talked to us before-"

"I know, I fucked up,"

"Language, please."

I tilted my head down and whispered a soft "Sorry" to mama.

We sat in silence for a while. The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds.

"How do I fix this?"

"I'm not sure just yet," Lena said after a moment, but resumed to sit next to me all while holding my hand "For now, lets just give everyone some time. We all need to cool down before we can approach it more civilized."