[Scene: The Midori house. Zoi is coming home from school. Mamoru is still out sick, while Usagi was actually excited that there was a pop quiz in pre-algebra. He wants to have a talk with his father about Mamoru, but he is overcome with excitement when he sees Kunzite sitting at the table, looking over documents with his father.

Zoi: Kunzite! You came to see me! I missed you so much!

Chief Midori: Actually he came over to help me with work.

Kunzite: But mostly because I missed you.

Zoi: Oh, have you been helping my dad with the disappearing hikers?

Kunzite: Yes. We initially suspected these might be youma attacks. However, I've used my powers to scan the area, and there is absolutely no energy signatures that might be associated with a youma. What bothers me is that there signs these attacks are supernatural in nature.

Zoi: Oh, like what?

Kunzite: For one thing, the body they found yesterday with covered with fresh second degree burns, yet his clothing was completely undamaged.

Zoi: Whoa. Back up. Body?

[Kunzite looks at Chief Midori]

Kunzite: You haven't told him about the dead school teacher. have you? Or the spatters of blood at some of the previous crime scenes.

Chief Midori: [protective] He doesn't need to know about all that.

Kunzite: I disagree. [He gives Chief Midori a harsh look]

Chief Midori: The rangers found a corpse in the woods. It was the teacher who ran off with the thirteen year old.

Kunzite: He'd been killed by blunt force trauma. The body was still warm, but there were no signs of footprints anywhere near him, not even his own.

Chief Midori: My theory was he'd fallen out of a tree. When they undressed him at the coroners, they found he was covered with burns, as well as a large but shallow untreated wound on his back...there was no sign of the child he was traveling with...The rangers are combing the woods looking for her since this case has just taken a very alarming turn.

Zoi: Oh, a murder mystery. Can I look at the evidence? Maybe I can help.

Chief Midori: You can help by making dinner. This is a homicide investigation, not a Hardy Boys novel.

[Zoi decides he'll make something quick. He goes into the kitchen and gets out the cheese and tomato from the fridge. He stands on his tiptoes and struggles to get the panini press off the top shelf.]

[Kunzite approaches from behind him and lifts the press from the shelf with ease. As he's placing it on the counter, he pulls Zoi close, and kisses him passionately.

[Zoi kisses him back just as passionately, knowing they have to keep quiet since his father is in the next room.]

[They break apart when Zoi's phone rings]

Kunzite: [sighs] Right on cue. That must be Usagi.

[Zoi looks at his phone, sure enough, it's Usagi.]

Kunzite: [bitter] You'd better get that. She's probably crying hysterically.

Zoi: [giggles] Nah, she probably just wants to make plans for Oktoberfest. [He answers the phone]

[Usagi is crying hysterically]

Zoi: Oh, no. Usagi, what's wrong?

[Usagi cries harder. Kunzite wanders away, muttering words like 'Chiba' and a few choice expletives under his breath]

Usagi: I just saw him...Mamoru...He's supposed to be sick...in bed...I was in the car with my mom and Dad and Shingo... We were stopped at a red light...and he...he pulled up right next to us on his bike...

Zoi: Well that's good, right? It means he's getting better.

Usagi: [sobbing] He wasn't alone! Minako was sitting right behind him! With her gang jacket and her short little hoochie skirt flapping around her monogrammed underpants! He was giving her a ride! On the bike YOU gave him! Those two have NO shame!

Zoi: Did you say anything to him?

Usagi: I couldn't! My parents were right there! If my father knew I was dating a guy like THAT, he'd send me to a convent like they did in the old days!

Zoi: Did they say anything to you?

Usagi: No!... Minako saw me and looked away! I could tell she was embarrassed, but Mamoru just acted like he didn't even know me!...WHYYYYY? Why Minako? He told me he's not interested in flashy girls like her!... And why is she with HIM? She told me she can't get interested in a guy unless he's a THUG! And you can't get any less thuggish than Mamoru! He's a total Eagle Scout! This means she's changed! Or he has!

[Zoi has to mask a giggle since this would make Kunzite King of the Thugs, which sounds about right.]

Zoi: I don't think it's like that. I don't think they are seeing each other romantically. I think Minako is taking advantage of his illness to brainwash him and his aunt into joining her little cult.

Usagi: Oh, my god! That's even worse! ...I need to know what's going on!...You need to have a talk with him!

Zoi: Why me?

Usagi: I'm still grounded! The only time I'm allowed out of the house is to go to school, and he's stopped going! I've tried sneaking over before school, but his aunt won't let me talk to him! You need to go over there!

Zoi: Mamoru's aunt doesn't want me to talk to him anymore. Remember? She even called my dad when we were at the Crown and spread a bunch of ugly lies about me.

Usagi: You probably just caught them at a bad time. Mamoru's aunt ADORES you! About as much as she HATES me! You need to go over there! To find out what is going on!...I wouldn't ask this of you, but if I sneak over there, and she calls my dad, I'm going to get into some really bad trouble!... Please! Beg Mamoru not to get involved with Minako and to come back to me! He'll listen to you!

Zoi: Why would he listen to me?

Usagi: Because he's in love with you.

[ Zoi just stands there, wide-eyed, and shaking with rage]

Usagi: ...Zoi...? Are you still there?

Zoi: You want me to go over there and sweet-talk your boyfriend into going back to you...because you think he's in love with me?

Usagi: Um, Yeah. Exactly.

Zoi: [livid] Do you have ANY idea how many different kinds of MESSED UP this conversion has become!

Usagi: Oh, come on. It's common knowledge that the only reason he's with me is because you're still with Kunzite.

Zoi: He's not. Trust me. He's not. He's madly in love with you but he thinks you're just dating him because you can't get Motoki!

Usagi: [giggles] Oh, that's silly. Motoki's really cute and all that, but why would I date him when I can be with Mamoru?

Zoi: [implores the heaven] You need to explain this to HIM, not me! ...And, anyway, if you think Mamoru feels that way, why is it you've been begging me to spend practically EVERY WAKING MOMENT with him?

Usagi: Because I trust you. You love Kunzite and Kunzite loves you. And in any case, if I have to lose my boyfriend to somebody, I'd rather lose him to someone nice like you, rather than a big ole meany like Minako or Rei or Eleanor Heltry.

Zoi: For the love of God, Usagi! Have some self-respect! You're not going to lose your boyfriend to anyone!

Usagi: [cheery] So...does this mean you'll talk to him for me?

[Zoi barely resists the urge to beat his head against the cabinetry]

Zoi: You don't need me to talk to him! You need couples counseling! With a licensed therapist who specializes in ABSOLUTE TRAINWRECKS!

Usagi: [long pause] Oh...Does this mean you won't do it?

Zoi: [nearly breathing fire] Oh, I'll do it. all right! Someone needs to go over there and give him a swift kick in the pants! ...Though that someone REALLY should be you!

Usagi: [giggles happily] Thanks. Love you.

Zoi: [sighs] Love you too. Bye.