Chapter 15: Independence
Thea's lids fought to stay closed, thick with crusty grit. Forcing them open, her eyes flit around the room bathed in diffuse daylight. She didn't recognize the images on the wall but she still had the feeling that she knew this space.
Thinking wore her down and Thea allowed her eyes to drift shut. She became aware of a heaviness in her mind – like a restless darkness pulling her down. It felt like … grief. Had someone died?
Thea's eyes sprang open as it all came back with a stabbing pain. She was in the guest room - her old room - in the Loft. She had just been released the night before after being in the hospital for three days because … god, no –
As unwelcome tears sprang into her eyes, Thea forced the thoughts away. The darkness wrapping itself around her body and mind stubbornly refused to abate. Thea attempted to shift her body to the side, prepared to allow herself to get pulled back into blissfully empty sleep, but she was stopped by a catch in her lungs which sent her coughing.
"Thea?" a voice asked from within the room. Thea hadn't heard anyone come in.
Thea's gaze followed the sound to the end of the bed, where Laurel shot up like a gopher out of a hole. The image tickled Thea's imagination and she would have laughed if she could have.
Laurel was at Thea's side in seconds, pulling Thea to lean forward while she propped up her pillows, then directed Thea to lie back against them. Laurel handed Thea her water bottle from the table next to her. Thea expelled some mucous from her lungs and swallowed it down with long pulls of water. Able to breathe again, Thea studied Laurel.
The deep sadness remained, but Thea managed to plaster an amused grin onto her face. "Where the hell did you come from?" she asked in a cracking voice.
Laurel's face colored faintly. "I set up a work area on the floor." Laurel admitted. She added, "So I could stay close."
Thea craned her neck to the side and caught the edge of a laptop and a stack of folders. Thea said, "That's crazy. Bring your work stuff up here."
Laurel seemed to consider the proposition. She walked to the end of the bed and, grabbing piles of papers and folders, set them on the end of the bed. With laptop in hand, Laurel gingerly settled next to Thea on the other side of the bed. Laurel crossed her legs and set the laptop in front of her, but didn't open her lock screen.
Thea let her eyes close and took the deepest breath she could before she felt the familiar catching feeling in her lungs.
"Do you want to talk?" Laurel asked in a gentle voice.
Thea didn't open her eyes as she felt the constant, dull ache in her heart flare again into a sharp, breath-catching pain at the question. No. No, she did not. Because Thea couldn't even admit it to herself, that the last few days – this illness - had changed everything. That now she had -
Thea's lack of response hung heavily in the air. Breaking it with a petulant tone, Thea said, "Pneumonia sucks."
It was clear from Laurel's stiffness beside her that this was not what Laurel had wanted to talk about. Well, Laurel could just deal with her disappointment. Thea had nothing more to say.
Laurel didn't try again and Thea drifted back to sleep.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed by slowly, as Thea felt both deeply fatigued and incredibly antsy. It was frustrating to be so sick of sleep, yet so unable to do anything more strenuous than watching TV. She had tried reading, but even the act of holding a book up and focusing had been too much.
Someone had clearly made some sort of "Thea-watch" system with shifts, because she was never alone. Taking time off work or working from home, Oliver, Felicity, Laurel, Digg, and Lyla had taken turns staying in the Loft to help Thea out. The first day had been entirely spent in bed and by day two she became a permanent fixture on the couch. She was doing it so that her friends watching her still had access to the kitchen, a table, and the TV, but she was really hating that each time she woke up and glimpsed the fireplace or the ceiling that she was overwhelmed by memories of bleeding out on that very floor. Maybe being in such a weakened state now reminded her of dying so many months ago.
Thea stubbornly dodged all attempts to share how she was coping. Felicity and Laurel were the most intent on convincing Thea to talk to them, but even Oliver was beginning to seem unsettled by Thea's feigned, upbeat demeanor and complete avoidance of the subject of her health.
Thursday night, Thea could smell cooking from the Loft's kitchen as she opened the guest room door and approached the stairs with a canvas weekender bag over her shoulder. October darkness had fallen over the Loft and only the pendant lights over the kitchen island provided light for the living areas. Felicity was speaking in a low voice to Oliver, who was stirring something in a pan.
"She's not talking about it, Oliver – I'm getting worried."
"She's probably talking with Laurel. You know how close they are."
"She's not! I asked. She's not talking with me, or Laurel, or Lyla. Clearly she hasn't talked to you."
"Do we even know if she knows?"
"Dr. Henson met with her before she was discharged and he said something during her appointment today. She knows, she's just – bottling it up or pretending that nothing has changed. Either way, it can't be healthy."
The conversation made Thea's stomach clench. How could she be expected to put into words the amount of debilitating grief that constantly filled her throat? How was she supposed to look at someone she loved and she knew loved her and to tell them just how much pain she had felt every second since she had awoken in the hospital and realized? How could she talk when she couldn't breathe when she so much as thought about … it.
AIDs. The death knell. The signal that she was on a downward trajectory towards an early death.
Thea pushed the thoughts away and walked firmly down the stairs, allowing her steps to announce her presence. As her feet landed on the floor, Felicity and Oliver turned towards her.
With faux cheerfulness, Felicity announced, "Dinner will be ready soon."
Thea entered the circle of light from the overhead pendants and afixed her own neutral smile on her face. "That's okay – I've got some things at home I can make. I think I'll just take off."
Oliver and Felicity stared back in confusion. Brow furrowed, Oliver asked with a slight edge to his tone, "What are you talking about?"
Thea ensured her voice remained even. "Dr. Henson cleared me today. I want to get home so I can settle back in a little before work tomorrow." Oliver's eyebrows were raised so high they looked like they would disappear into his hairline. Thea continued talking, trying to defuse the tension she could feel building at her announcement, "I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. There's just something about your own space, you know?"
Expression saying he thought Thea was crazy, Oliver stated sharply, "You're not leaving."
Thea kept her temper in check, unsurprised that her brother was making a stink about her going home. Tone cool and logical, Thea said, "While I love you both, I am not spending one more night here now that I'm clear. Besides, I don't even have my work clothes here."
Oliver stepped away from the stove and dodged the hand Felicity weakly raised towards him to stop him. He squared off with Thea, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're not hearing me," he said, his voice firm. "You are not leaving. Not today, not ever."
The directive was so resolute and so unexpected that Thea's mouth dropped open as her brow furrowed, trying to understand.
"Look," Oliver said quickly, "Over the weekend we'll get the whole team together and pack up your apartment. There is plenty of space here – you don't need to worry about rent. Felicity and I have it covered."
Thea's mind spun, grasping that Oliver was stealing away her choice and limiting her independence. Thea gripped tightly onto the top handles of her bag feeling an unexpected wave of anger and despair, each fighting for dominance.
"Absolutely not," Thea said, voice tight. "I am fine – I don't need a babysitter anymore, and I am going home."
In the face of Thea's dissent, Oliver's eyes sparkled with anger. "Do you understand that you should be dead right now?" Thea met his eyes with her own, not backing down before his intentionally shocking words. "If you had gone home on Friday, you would have died of septic shock, alone, in the Glades. You weren't even willing to admit to Lance that you were sick! And less than 8 hours later you were in an ICU bed while your organs were shutting down. And you think you can just go back to living alone where there will be no one to call for help when you need it?"
Thea retorted hotly, "Then I will get better about telling people when I am sick."
"That's not good enough!" Oliver said, voice rising. "I am not about to stand by and watch you take risks with your health knowing that it will kill you!"
The calm Thea had fought to convey was long gone and she replied fiercely, "I'm not dead yet and I'm not about to start living like I am. And if you don't like it, you can go ahead and leave like you did at the hospital."
Thea turned and made a move towards the front door. To Thea's shock, Oliver beat her to the door, stepping in front of it and blocking Thea's path.
The siblings locked eyes, fury leaping between their gazes.
"Get out of the way, Ollie," Thea hissed out.
Rather than moving, Oliver crossed his arms in front of his chest, staring down at his little sister.
"Stop this!" Felicity cried out, stepping up to grip at Oliver's arm to get him to stand down. Oliver let his arms drop to his side and some of the fire in his eyes went out.
"Look," Felicity pleaded, "It has been a really terrible week and we are all on edge. We can try this conversation again once everybody has had a chance to calm down." Oliver shot Felicity a look that clearly said he didn't appreciate her not backing him up.
"Thea," Felicity said, turning to her, "I can drive you home, okay?" Thea's entire body was on edge and she couldn't pull her gaze away from her brother. "Okay?" Felicity repeated.
Oliver walked away, returning to his now-burnt smelling skillet on the stove. Thea felt her tension slowly fade into a deep weariness. "Sure," Thea finally agreed dully. The anger leeched away as quickly as it had come and all Thea could feel was the same deep sadness which had become her constant companion.
The car ride was silent. Thea rested her forehead against the window. She was ready to get home, but she certainly didn't have her strength back yet. Walking from the Loft to the car was the most she had walked in a week. At least once she was home she could sprawl across her own couch under her own blanket. Without concerned eyes tracking her every move…
"Your brother is just worried about you," Felicity's voice broke the stillness. "He just wants you safe."
In a dull, quiet voice that left Felicity straining to hear, Thea said, "It's a little late for that."
"Thea," Felicity murmured sympathetically. The pity frustrated Thea further – Felicity couldn't begin to understand what Thea was feeling, and to act like she did …
Quiet fell back over the vehicle except for the occasional rhythmic clicking of the turn signal.
Felicity pulled the car up to the curb alongside the clock tower building. Thea took hold of the leather strap of her weekender bag and placed her hand on the door handle when Felicity's voice arrested her.
"Can you just think about it? About moving in with us?" Thea froze, unprepared for Felicity to take her brother's side. "We'd really love to have you with us. And we can help with things when you need it." Thea's hand slipped off the door handle. "Thea, we're just worried about you. We love you. You don't need to go through this alone."
Without turning towards Felicity, Thea asked, "Are you dying?"
Felicity's voice showed her confusion and she said uncertainly, "No?"
"Then I am alone," Thea said stiffly. It didn't matter who was willing to listen to her or try to empathize, they just couldn't. This was Thea's burden she had to deal with and no one could help with that.
Even though she believed what she had said, Thea felt a brief prickle of guilt at Felicity's silence and worried she may have taken it too far. Thea sat back against her seat and flickered her gaze over to see her sister-in-law. Felicity's face was flushed and her eyes sparkled with withheld tears.
Thea closed her eyes. God, she was so tired.
Pushing through the heaviness that was trying to pull her down, Thea said apologetically, "Felicity…." She shook her head and opened her eyes to look down at her hands, unable to meet Felicity's expression.
"Look," Thea said in a quiet voice. "I know that at some point …" Saying the words felt like they were physically hurting her. Her voice began to quiver. "I won't be able to live by myself. I know that. I know that everything is going to start slipping away until I can't care for myself anymore, whether it's because I'm too sick or because I'll have fricking AIDs dementia so bad that I can't remember what I'm doing or I can't physically do things without help." God, she had tried so hard to avoid thinking about these things and being forced to talk about it and think about it was making her so angry and so sad and ….
Thea watched as Felicity's hand found its way onto Thea's knee, attempting to anchor her. The gesture didn't make Thea feel anything. Not better. Not worse. Thea looked back at her own trembling hand, clenched onto her lap.
"I'm losing everything," Thea said dully, still unable to raise her voice. "And I'm not ready. I'm not ready today, to give up my independence, and - I don't have to be. I'm fine today. I might be dying, but I'm not dead yet. And right now, nothing needs to change."
Felicity was silent. Thea took the opportunity to grasp the door handle again, ready to leave this conversation behind.
Felicity said, tone matching the quiet of Thea's. "I hear you. And I'm sorry if you felt like we were asking for too much." Thea closed her eyes at the apology. "I will talk with Oliver, okay? We'll figure out something to support you so that you can stay independent for … as long as you can. Okay?"
It was what she wanted, but Thea's victory felt hollow. After all – she was still dying.
Unable to muster any more enthusiasm, Thea said, "Sure," and finally pushed her way out of the car.
Thea stepped into her empty apartment, chilled from days without the heat having been turned up. If Thea had thought that being alone would make her feel better, she instantly realized she was wrong – she felt every bit as despondent and hurt as she had lying on Ollie's couch.
Thea dropped her bag to the ground next to the door and, as in a fog, trudged towards her couch and flopped down onto it stomach first. She pulled a throw pillow under herself, hugging on and resting her head against it. She willed the weariness to dissipate now that she was lying down. It didn't.
The deep sadness tore at her in the apartment's stillness. Thea hadn't cried, not since she woke up to find she had met criteria for AIDs. She felt like she needed to – like she should, but her eyes remained dry. She felt so empty.
Thea blinked a few times, then closed her eyes and let herself drift to sleep in the chilly, still apartment in the Glades.
"Barry, it's a really sweet offer," Felicity said, leaning back into her office chair and switching the phone to her left hand. "I just don't think right now is the time. Thea's really hurting – we all are. I just think that meeting up to hang out would be a waste of time."
"I respect that, Felicity," Barry's empathetic tone came through the line. "But it's not really just a hang out. We've been working on something - and we could really use your help."