They cross the school auditorium in their cap and gown.
She goes before him, her belly protrudes slightly from her gown and she can sense the stares and whispers of parents as she walks up to receive her diploma. She truly doesn't care though. If there is anything she has learnt over the last few months is to let go of others opinion of her and focus on who really matters. She stands proudly and smiles for Suze's camera.
Nate walks with his usual bored demeanour, like lining up for his high school graduation is like waiting in line for a blood test. A waste of his time. His future ahead looks like a well paved road he will cruise down in an overpriced SUV. He's ready for school to be over and all the chips to fall in their place. He half smiles for his mother's camera and can't wait to rip this itchy cap off.
Abby Velarde is valedictorian, which is a surprise to absolutely no one. As she stands on stage quoting dead poets and Elon Musk, Cassie takes the opportunity to reflect on the events surrounding her four years of high school. She remembers her father's demise, her mother's alcoholism, her personal public shame, her sister's hand in shaming her, her abortion, her fallout with Maddy, her relationship with Nate. She is surprised she even made it this far.
Adults always tell you to cherish these moments, to enjoy your teenage years, to make the most of your youth as life gets more difficult each passing year. It made Cassie wonder how much more difficult her life could get. Would she really look back at these years and think she had never been happier?
She turns back to look at Nate sitting in the row behind her. Looking back, never would she have imagined sitting at her graduation pregnant with Nate Jacobs's baby. Sure, she had always found him to be handsome. And she had noticed his eyes linger on her over a few times. There had been that brief kiss during spin the bottle years ago. And that time he drunkenly told her at a party he jerked off to one of her photos.
Little moments she filed away in the things we don't talk about part of her mind.
Then, New Year's Eve changed everything.
What was supposed to be a drunken hookup ended up consuming her mind and soul for weeks. Nate was all she could think about, he was in her every thought. Every brush of her hair, every outfit picked, every layer of lip gloss. Everything, it was all for him.
She got to know his quirks, his fantasies, his secrets.
It was so strange that a concept as foreign as dating Nate had now become her only reality. Nowadays, she couldn't fathom a life without him.
He must feel her eyes on him, because he looks her way with a wink. She's sitting next to Ben who still smells of Southern Comfort and bad decisions. Nate's hand reaches out towards her and she twists her arm to graze his fingers. They made it this far.
She knows Maddy is not here, she actually hasn't seen her former friend much since Prom. Rumour has it she is moving to New York to study make up artistry or something and had skipped out on graduation. Cassie would be lying if she said she didn't feel a slight sense of relief at not finding her brown eyes in the crowd.
BB failed her Senior Year, so she's also not in attendance. And with Maddy not present, Kat has no reason to come. Same for Rue and Jules. The absence of these people makes her feel calm.
Her sister sits in the audience with their Mom. She knows Lexi is attending begrudgingly, only there because Suze forced her to, and a small part of her is glad to see her there- even if she would never admit it.
Nate's equally dysfunctional family also sits in the crowd. Marsha and Aaron sit together, Bud and Beverley sit a little further away. Cal sits alone. Cassie squeezes Nate's hand tight when she notices Cal approaching them at the end of the ceremony.
These days, his relationship with his father is tense and mostly non-existent. The two avoided each other like the plague, bar of the sporadic text exchange. Nate is well aware that come the end of the school year, he will need to put his differences aside and start working alongside his father. It's a time he dreads.
Still, Cal gives him a shoulder squeeze and tight smile. He will never fully understand his son, or forgive himself for who he turned his child into. But the most he can hope is for Nate to find some kind of serenity with the life he is creating for himself. That his future, this life with Cassie, the establishing of his own family, will finally bring him some sort of happiness.
They stand all together in a group taking pictures. Nate and Cassie. Cassie and her family. Nate and his family. Cassie, Nate and their families.
Her mom gives her a strong hug. She hugs her so tight, like anyone would think she was a kite about to fly away. Cassie can still smell her perfume on her hair even hours after their embrace.
"I'm proud of you." She whispers in her ear. "Don't ever doubt how fucking proud I am of you."
And for once, Cassie lets her hug her for as long as she wants.
Someone had suggested the week prior they all go out to celebrate together, but given the disaster that occurred the last time they all sat at a table together, Cassie and Nate opt for a meal with just his grandparents.
She likes Bev.
She finds her excitement refreshing. She gives them both compliments, she shows them pictures of cute baby clothes and nursery inspiration.
"Your belly has gotten so much bigger." Beverley notes, placing her soft hand on Cassie's belly. "You look so beautiful. You know who you remind me of? Sharon Tate. Doesn't she look beautiful, Bud?"
Bud is a grump.
He lets his wife chat away and occasionally asks them questions about their future and plans. He always stares at them for a few seconds after they answer and everything seems like a test.
Still, he hands them a big fat cheque as a graduation gift- a little something to help them set up. Cassie's eyes bulge out at the amount, but Nate seems completely unfazed. He just tucks the piece of paper away in his pocket and mutters a thank you.
Bev's hand reaches across to squeeze Cassie's hand.
"I hope you both come to the lake this summer." Bev suggests with a smile. "You'll love it there. Nate and his brothers and cousins used to spend every summer there with us, such a special place, but now that they're older they never come and visit. And of course next summer, you'll have to come with the little one- Nature is so good for young children."
She pictures rowdy boys swimming in the lake, pit fires on the deck, dinners made with fresh fish. It's like an Americana star studded fantasy. It's what they both secretly want, that picture perfect, white picket fence and shiny family car life.
It's apple pies in the oven and hot dogs in the sun. It's lemonade stands and trick or treat.
She feels Nate tense up next to her at the mention of his childhood holidays, his eyes focusing on his plate, and his hand searches for her under the table as if to say I need you.
So she holds his hand and smiles at his grandmother and thanks her for the invite.
Later, when they're walking to the car, he whispers in her ear:
"I don't want our son staying with them- ever."
She looks at his sullen face, his rigid posture, and nods in agreement (or acceptance). She's already promised to trust him to know what is best for their family.
As they hold hands she wonders what other fucked up things this family has done that she doesn't know about.
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round? Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking it's a time to fly