Cassie's summer moves at a snail's pace.
Once upon a time, her school holidays had been filled with fun parties, bonfires by the beach, sneaking out to see boys, weekends in Santa Barbara, dropping molly with Maddy at summer fairs. She has memories of sickeningly sweet ice cream melting in her hands and dripping down her fingers while she kissed a sun tanned boy. Or when she could feel the hot sun beating on her shoulder while riding her bike with Lexi around town.
This summer is different though.
Her days are spent by the Jacobs' pool, her skin now already golden from all the time spent tanning since living with Nate and his family. It felt like home, in an odd way, because it wasn't really her home. And it wouldn't be home for much longer.
In fact, Nate's grandfather has already given them keys to his Lakeshore Drive unit, but Nate has decided they should stay with Marsha until the end of summer as this place doesn't have a pool- and is a far fall from grace in comparison to the house Nate has called home all his life. The place was a little run down from being rented over the years and lacked the many amenities Nate was used to but, as Nate kept reassuring her (or himself), this would just be temporary as they got on their feet.
Still, Cassie is just fine with staying with Marsha for a little longer. She visits her mom every once in a while, one day they even go for lunch with Marsha- which is stressful for Cassie, as the two women seemed in a competition over who is the best mom/grandma to be.
Beverley visits for a weekend, alone, and insists on staying with them which drives Marsha close to a nervous breakdown.
Aaron has a new girlfriend, Gemma, who suddenly spends a lot of time at the residence. She's pretty cool, an art student, and she walks around with fitted crop tops and short shorts that show off her many tattoos and make Beverly shudder.
Overall her summer is relatively boring and uneventful, but the women in her life keep insisting she should be making the most of the calm before the baby storm.
Nate's summer plans are also very different to what he expected.
What he thought would be a last summer of fun before the responsibilities of fatherhood, actually turned out to be a rough intro to adulthood. In other words, his grandfather put him to work as soon as school was over, expecting him to deep dive into the business before the start of college classes.
Most days, Nate is out by the early hours of the morning shadowing his father at meetings and overseeing work at their many means that other than the occasional lunch break, some evenings and weekends, she doesn't get to see Nate all that much. And when he is around he is tired or grumpy or hungover.
Yes, because she would soon learn, his favourite part of having a job is going for drinks at the end of the day.
There is a varied group of men working for Cal, she has gotten to meet them over time when dropping in to have lunch with Nate. Some are young, only a few years older than her and Nate, and they all like to party. A lot. And not just go for a drink at the local bar after work. This was weekend benders, and strip clubs and, she is pretty certain from looking into Nate's pocket once, a lot of cocaine.
Cassie can't help but feel that for every step forward they had made at the end of spring, each day of summer is another step backwards. They were forever stuck on a rollercoaster of emotional growth, moving up towards the sky with smiles and fresh breeze only to accelerate and come crashing down with hands clutching their seats. The kind that flips your stomach over and over again and leaves you feeling light headed and queasy. The type that makes your jaw hurt from grinding on down so hard while anticipating the fall.
Up and down. Slow then fast. Move and crash.
Still, she tries to look at the bright side- he is able to work and provide for them once the baby comes along. He is getting all the partying out of his system before becoming a dad. He is still nicer than he was a few weeks ago- most of the time.
For Nate, working for RJ Construction also means spending more time with his dad- which some days is good and most days is bad for everyone involved. On those days he is moody and irritable and will drink to the point of writing himself off.
And one too many times does she have to jump in Marsha's BMW to go pick him up from whatever seedy bar or party he has gotten wasted at.
She sneaks out as quietly as she can, holding Pumpkin close so he doesn't bark and blow her cover. Sometimes Gemma and Aaron are still up and come along for the ride. It becomes like an unspoken pact between the three, to try and keep Nate's escapades as hidden from their parents as possible. Cassie wonders if being with Nate forever will also mean always covering up his bad decisions.
The progression of summer also means her belly slowly gets bigger and bigger as she advances towards the later stages of her pregnancy. Baby J is growing and Cassie grows with him, both physically and mentally she hopes. It also means that between a big belly and Nate's calls in the middle of the night, sleep is a luxury she is slowly losing.
This night is no different as she tosses and turns trying to find a comfortable position in bed. Her hair sticks to her sweaty neck as she tries to lie on her back, then her side, then her back again. Pumpkin, her trustful companion, lies on her pillow just above her head panting away from the heat. He knows he's not normally allowed on the bed, but Nate had texted her a few hours prior saying at party, dont wait up so she figured her best friend could snuggle with her instead. It also means she feels even warmer from the heat radiating off her dog.
When Nate forcefully shuts their bedroom door waking her up it almost feels like her eyes were only shut for a few minutes instead of hours.
"Hey baby, how was the party?" She says sleepily trying to make his form in the dark of night until he switches on the main light hurting her eyes. She finds it strange, as normally he would try his hardest not to wake her and avoid being asked where he was and what he did. This time, he moves roughly and obnoxiously almost like he wanted to disrupt her sleep. It makes Pumpkin bark right in her ear.
"So is this something you do?" He finally asks after a few seconds of silence. Nate notices her brows scrunch together in confusion looking around the room.
"What?" She sits up in bed finally taking in his demeanour, his back leaning against his dresser, hands gripping tightly almost turning white. She takes in his harsh gaze and tight lips. He looks at her in a way that almost makes her want to cower. "Is this about Pumpkin being on the bed?" Her brows furrow in confusion at Nate's attitude.
"Getting yourself pregnant, was this your plan all along?" Her expression changes dramatically at hearing his words, realisation finally hitting her. And Nate takes the sudden change in her eyes as an admission of guilt. "I saw McKay tonight, he told me all about how you were pregnant last year…about how you fucking begged him to have a baby."
The tone of his voice is low and menacing, it's like a sharp knife slowly dragging across your skin slicing you with a precise cut. You slowly bleed to death in a pool of blood. This Nate she has never seen before and that absolutely terrifies her, as he stares down at her in disgust.
"No, no…I-iiii wasn't trying to hide it…it was just so traumatic and I like tried to remove it from my mind, like it didn't happen." She stutters, jumping out of bed, her hands out in surrender, as she walks closer to him. She thinks, if she can just get closer to him, if she can just remind him of everything they are together, maybe he will just see this as a big misunderstanding.
He has to forgive her.
"Cassie, you need to stay the fuck back so I don't do something I regret." He warns her, his hands gripping tighter, as he watches her come close to him. He can feel uncontrollable anger wash over him more and more.
"No, no, Nate…please, listen to me okay?" She says through the tears, the tears he once found a symbol of her pure heart and that now felt like just another manipulative tool. "I just couldn't talk about it."
"You let me sit here and tell you things I never had the courage to tell anyone else, and you kept this from me? Fuck you, Cassie." By now she stood closer and closer to him, ignoring his warning of allowing him space. He acts on instinct and grabs her arms to pin her back against the wall. He holds her there gripping her biceps and he leans closer to stare into her eyes. "I see it clearly now, how you played me from the start to get what you wanted. I see who you fucking are."
His words make something in her switch and she feels herself shed off the pleasing demeanour that wants to take all the blame and beg for forgiveness.
"What I wanted? Are you serious Nate? I have no friends, no relationship with family, no life of my own…I gave everything up for you- and you never even wore a condom, you barely pulled out, you didn't give a fuck what happened to me." She rants, her arms moving around to break free of his grasp.
He feels himself squeeze her biceps hard until her angered expression turns to pain and she cries out loudly.
And that makes him let go suddenly of her before punching the wall above her.
He watches her cringe and cower and wrap her arms around her middle before slowly sliding down the wall in hysterics.
He registers his brother and his girlfriend storming into the bedroom and Aaron dragging him away by his t-shirt while Gemma runs to Cassie.
His eardrums feel like they are about to explode from anger and tension.
He barely hears Cassie's strangled voice calling out for him.
You left a hole in my chest when you left
And my heart followed you out the door
And I stood and bled in the hall, watched it all
And the mess that it left on the floor