Nate couldn't tell you how much whiskey he drank.
In his mind were flashes of the faces that had participated in his demise this evening. He could see Aaron's white knuckles as he tightly gripped his t-shirt, Gemma's disgusted look as she ran to Cassie, his mother's frantic gaze as she ran to his room, McKay's smug smile as he destroyed Nate's fantasy, Cassie's scared eyes. Her red arms. Her shaking body.
Each flash was a drink. Flash, drink. Flash, drink.
Drink. Drink. Drink.
His phone was blowing up in his pocket the whole night, calls from Cassie, from his mom, from Aaron. Endless text messages he ignored while drinking away his sorrows.
Deceit was a concept Nate was very familiar with. He had been exposed to his father's deceit from a young age. He had then embodied deceit himself many times in his young existence to get his way. It was almost like second nature to him.
So how could he have not seen Cassie's game?
He had been deceived by her apparent sweetness, by her submissive nature, by her need to please. He had believed in her loyalty more than any other partner. After all, she had proven time and time again that she would do anything to be with him. She had double-crossed her best friend, she had alienated her family, she had even stolen that tape for him. She was willing to cross any line for him, and he loved that.
In hindsight, he could see how those acts were more a sign of Cassie's own deceitful nature rather than her unrequited loyalty. How could he have lost sight of that?
How could he have let himself be such a fool?
He's one too many drinks in when his dad sits at the bar stool next to him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Nate slurred, his vision struggling to focus on his father.
"Your mother called in hysterics, she was worried about you." Cal briefly paused to order a soda water before returning his attention to his inebriated son. "What's going on Nate?"
Nate snorted before taking another sip of his drink. It seemed fitting to him that his father would finally make an appearance as Nate's false sense of security came crashing down. He too was one of the many that would rejoice in his demise.
Drink. drink. drink.
"Wouldn't you like to know? You love it when I fuck up, huh?" He laughed bitterly, swigging back the last of his drink. "I guess you were right, dad, huh? That's gotta make you happy." His hand lifted up to get the bartender's attention.
"Nate, all I ever wanted is your happiness." Cal turned Nate's stool around to face him. "It kills me to see you like this. Killing yourself, hurting those around you."
"Stop with the lies." He mumbled, trying to turn his chair away again. "Everyone is always fucking lying to me. You, fucking Cassie…" His voice trailed off. "Maybe I wanted to let myself get trapped, that's why I didn't see she was lying."
Nate paused to gather his thoughts, the adrenaline of the night mixed with copious amounts of alcohol consumed had his thoughts jumping around his head like a 5 year old on a jumping castle.
"You know, when I was in the hospital new years, I had this weird fucking dream. And Cassie was in it, we had only hooked up that night, but in my dream we were together and like so fucking happy." Cal watched his son toy with the empty glass in front of him, a small smile playing on his face as he told the story.
"And then she was pregnant in my dream, like I even heard the baby cry and shit. So when she told me she was pregnant, I thought it was a sign or something. Like I had a second chance to be a good person, a good dad, it made sense you know. I guess I'm a real fucking idiot, believing life could be a dream."
Cal could feel his heart break at his son's confession, and it suddenly made a lot more sense to him why he had been so adamant about having this baby. Nate, who Cal could have sworn would have jumped at the opportunity of being freed from the responsibility of fatherhood.
Despite his many flaws and sociopathic tendencies, after listening to Nate's words, the young man he saw in front of him was still the sad 8 year old boy he knew as his son. Someone who longed for love and family, and was so angry at the world he went about getting it the worst possible way.
He couldn't help but empathise. He too had been for the longest time someone who had been deprived of loving who he actually wanted, and he too had engaged in reckless behaviours which had almost destroyed his life and caused immense pain for his family. Now that he had the opportunity to be himself, to truly surrender to his truth, he had finally met someone who made him feel whole again. He had been freed of that anger and sadness which led him to make poor decisions with little care for who he hurt in the process. Now that his sexual orientation was simply an extension of him, rather than perverted secret, his outlook on life had changed as well.
"Nate, hey." Cal turned Nate's stool to face him again, this time taking Nate's shiny eyes. "Look, I don't know exactly what happened between tonight, but I know this much. 25 years ago I found myself in the same position you were in and to me it was like life was over, which is probably why I spent the last 25 years destroying my family."
"If this is some pep-talk, you're not off to a great start." Nate struggled to find any reassurance in his father's speech. "My girlfriend tricked me into getting her pregnant, which is fucked up."
"Yeah, well I was pretty sure my girlfriend did the same all those years back." Nate gave his father a disapproving look at the mention of Marsha. "But it takes two to tango and if I'm being honest, I was dumb and horny and I did not hold my end of the deal either when it came to preventing it. So unless you're 100% confident you did everything you were supposed to as well, you have to take ownership as well."
Nate pondered his father's words, along with Cassie's accusation that he too had been a bit reckless at the time. Both were true. There was a lot he could have done to prevent Cassie from getting pregnant and a lot he didn't do. And maybe a part of him wanted this as well, to completely tie her to him, to create a child and family with her. He thought of all the times he let himself go over the edge with her, the russian roulette of fate they both played which has resulted in the current situation.
"I'm going to be straight with you, this girl is losing a lot more than you. You will still get to go to college, experience things, work in the business…you're still getting everything you wanted. What is Cassie getting out of tricking you? She's going to be stuck at home with a crying baby while you're off to college and work. All her friends are going to be at parties and she'll have a drunk for a boyfriend and a baby with shitty diapers. What 18 year old wants that?"
The two settled in a comfortable silence as Nate allowed his father's reflection to sink in.
What did Cassie have to gain from getting pregnant?
Sure, Nate's family had money, but she didn't strike him as the type to be so calculative when it came to finances. That was more something he could imagine Maddy doing.
Was it to steal him away from Maddy? That seemed like a possibility, but still a little extreme even for Cassie. He also hadn't been a stellar boyfriend either.
Was she that desperate to start a family, that she would settle for the first guy ready to give her that? In some ways, it was what they both wanted. That white picket fence and manicured lawn Americana fantasy. High school sweethearts turned family, all cutesy and traditional.
The thought of how far that was from their reality made Nate laugh to himself. They were all fucked up.
"What would you do?" Nate asked his father, breaking their silence. "If you were me, what would you do?"
"I was you." Cal answered truthfully. "And I married your mom and built a life, but I was miserable because I was living a lie. That doesn't mean you're going to make the same mistakes, though." Cal's hand moved to rest on his son's shoulder. "So I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know what I would choose going back to that day. Just…do what feels right, what is your heart telling you to do? What is going to make you happy? I don't know if that makes any sense."
"Yea, it does." Nate nodded looking at his father in the eyes. For the first time in the longest time he actually felt a mutual ground with his dad. It didn't mean their problems were anywhere near being gone, but it was the closest to a meaningful interaction they had in years. "I think I need to go home."
"Let me drive you." Cal offered, and Nate followed his father to the car.
Their drive was silent if not for the music playing faintly from the radio. Both men reflected on their conversation and their lives without sharing their thoughts with one another.
As Cal approached the tree lined street leading him to the house had called home for two decades, bright blue lights greeted them from outside the property.
Marsha stood in her dressing gown talking to a police officer in the driveway, with Aaron next to her. And Nate's heart ran cold thinking the worst. Was Cassie okay? Their baby? Had he hurt them? Had she done something reckless? His hand shook as he quickly opened the car door.
"What's going on, Mack?" Cal asked the older man talking to Marsha.
"Hey Cal," Officer Mack greeted, turning his attention to the newcomers. "There was a fight at a party down in Warner, kid is saying your boy assaulted him." The officer flashed a set of handcuffs their way. "Nate, we need you to come down to the station."
And as the cold metal closed around his wrists, Nate wondered how much longer this night could possibly get.
The silence of a falling star lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are, I'm so lonesome I could cry