Chapter 11
Working was the last thing on his mind but taking a personal day off wasn't acceptable considering how much wood there was left to remove from the site. He hated leaving Mac behind, half-asleep with a sexy smile that he wanted to kiss and kiss and kiss.
"I'll be fine." She assured him in a voice husky from sleep. "Come home soon."
But soon wasn't soon enough and when the skies opened up in the early afternoon, the looming threat of a mudslide sent the men home a few hours early. Harm pushed the door open, water dripping from his soaked hair and jacket. He took off his boots and dropped them into the tray by the door along with his soggy socks. "Honey, I'm home."
"Hey." Mac glanced up from the couch, her lips sneaking to a half-smile that faded when she saw him soaked to the bone. "Oh. You're drenched."
Harm shrugged out of his rain jacket and hung it on the coat rack by the door. "That happens when it rains. Not the best logging weather but we got quite a few turns out. We might just make our quota."
Mac turned toward the large windows, frowning at the gray clouds that hung low in the sky. The rain came down in steady sheets and wind pushed through the trees sending leaves tumbling across the porch. It was the kind of miserable weather she never expected him working in. "You hauled wood in this weather? Seriously?"
"Yes, ma'am," He replied, still grinning as he peeled off his wet flannel.
"I thought you didn't work in the rain?"
"Rain, sure. Thunderstorms, no. Lightning and big metal machinery on a mountain top don't exactly mix." And the yarder's tower would act like a lightning rod that he prefered not to be around.
Mac rolled her eyes and stepped closer, reaching for his soaked undershirt that was plastered like a second skin. "Come here." She slid the suspenders off his shoulders and helped pull the shirt off which joined the wet pile at the entrance.
Normally, he would've shrugged her off, uncomfortable with anyone fussing over him. But today, he let her. There was something delightful in the way her hands moved and he realized how much he craved this kind of intimacy from her.
"You're freezing," Mac's hands lingered as she brushed his chilled skin.
"I'm fine," But a sudden shiver that ran through him told a different story.
Her eyes narrowed and the hint of a smirk tugged at her lips. "You're a terrible liar. C'mon." She pulled him towards the bathroom and though he questioned her actions, Harm didn't resist.
"Where are we going?"
"To warm you up," Mac replied, already turning on the shower.
Steam filled the room as she worked at his belt, the worn leather making it difficult. He stopped her hands and at her questioning gaze his lips curved into a playful smile. "Join me, please."
Harm was already pulling her t-shirt off, tossing it to the ground with the jeans and underwear she'd peeled off of him. Without hesitation Mac slid off what was left of her clothing and stepped into the shower beside him.
Steam curled around them as the hot water ran down their bodies easing the chill of his skin. Mac leaned into him, letting her hands glide up his shoulders as his forehead rested against hers.
He cupped her face and ran a thumb across the lips he dreamt kissing for so long it had almost made him desperate. He didn't have to pretend anymore or deny what he wanted most. Mac gave herself freely and he took what she offered.
Breaths mingled when he captured her lips with his own in a kiss that was slow, unhurried and deep. His breath hitched as her nimble fingers wrapped around his length, stroking him slowly. He was embarrassingly hard seconds later and needed so badly for Mac to douse the flames that were engulfing his very being.
"I want you inside me." She said against his lips and hissed from the cold tiles he quickly pressed her against.
"Yes." And a short moment later, he filled her completely. The rhythm of their moans and breathes creating the most delightful symphony.
The weather had broken several hours earlier, leaving the air cool and crisp. Harm stepped outside into the night, the door of the A-frame cottage quietly closing behind him. He had two steaming cups of hot chocolate in his hands, and a thick throw draped over his arm. The firepit in the center of the long wooden deck was crackling, sending embers into the air, and Mac was sitting by it, gazing at the flames.
He set the cups down on the small table by her side, handing her one with a warm smile. Mac accepted it gratefully and as her fingers curled around the mug as she inhaled the rich, sweet aroma.
His touch lingered as he draped the throw over her shoulders only to notice she was still shivering. "You're cold."
"I don't mind," She looked up at him and smiled. Even wearing one of his coats she had felt the chill in the air but the night was too pretty to waste.
"You should go inside." He tried to be gentle but firm, ignoring the way her eyes rolled as he settled next to her on the bench.
"I'm fine and it's a lovely night. Let's stay here a little longer."
Harm wanted to disagree but found that he could not deny her anything when she looked at him with those sweet doe eyes. "Sure. But if your teeth start chattering, we're going back in."
Her smile faded when he stared at her with a contemplative look. All day he thought about her, about them and the unspoken words that hung between them like a heavy fog.
Harm wanted so much more than the universe seemed willing to allow. And yet, in moments like these, intimacy blurred the lines between what was possible and what wasn't. For now, he was concerned about one thing.
"When do you have to leave?" She didn't answer right away as if avoiding the weight of his question. "I want to ask you to stay but-"
Yet, in that moment, another thought flickered through his mind, one that he didn't want to acknowledge - maybe part of him wished she wouldn't stay. It would be easier, less complicated. He already felt the shame and guilt but just a touch from her and his reasons didn't matter.
What life could he provide for her other than one of fake names and hiding in plain sight? She'd have to give up her own identity and that wasn't something he dared ask of anyone. "You can't stay."
Mac's eyes dropped to the fire, her expression clouded for a moment. It was difficult, the desire to want someone so badly it consumed you. Like Harm, Mac's own future curved into a question mark because she too had given up so much and wasn't sure what path to take next or how to tell him.
"I'm not going back to Washington." She exhaled slowly and waited for his response knowing it would likely shock him. "I resigned my commission."
The words struck with more force than he anticipated, leaving Harm momentarily speechless. His surprise was evident as he struggled to find a reply. "What? Wh-why would you do that?"
Mac's eyes had a trace of sadness in them and for a moment, her reason felt foolish. No one simply walked away from the military to search for a missing friend or whatever Harm was to her. With the way he was currently staring, she couldn't help but feel like a colossal mistake had been made.
"Well-" She sighed softly, carefully measuring the words that felt heavier than expected. "I did it to find you."
He sat in silence for a long moment, absorbing what she had just said. His heart beat a little faster from a mixture of emotions rushing through him: surprise, concern and something deeper that he couldn't quite place.
Harm felt a surge of anger, a mix of frustration and disbelief at the sheer stupidity of her decision to give up her life for someone who hadn't even wanted to be found. The weight of it hit him hard, and it came through in the exasperation of his voice. "But you have everything there! What about your career? Your life! If you ask the Admiral I'm sure he'd-"
She shook her head slowly. "Not this time. I can't unring that bell."
"And what about your home? Your apartment? You worked so hard to pay it off."
That one stung a little because her peace, her home had been shattered long ago and it was her own damn fault. "After everything with Mic, after the divorce when I knew he had no claim on me, I sold my apartment."
Mac took a sip of her hot chocolate, the warmth of the drink seeping through her, offering some comfort. Her mind wandered back to the time she'd spent with Mic. Three years that at one point seemed filled with love but were shattered by the verbal, mental, and physical abuse. One day, she'd tell Harm everything, the things she still carried with her, the things she wanted to bury deep down but couldn't.
"I couldn't live there anymore. Sometimes it felt like I could barely breathe.. He left and I kept finding things… mementos I'm certain he left behind on purpose ... One day I found a box of wedding cards, gifts from guests. Two envelopes were hidden below the bottom flaps, unopened-"
He frowned, already knowing. "Mine?"
Mac nodded, her eyes lowering to the cup in her hands. "And your mom's. And when I saw them, all I could do was cry." Mic was gone and yet he was everywhere she looked. There was no escaping his presence and it made her feel like she was drowning. "That's when I knew I had to leave and when a TAD to Coronado opened up, I begged the Admiral for it. I figured a change of scenery would help, maybe a move to San Diego… And then I bumped into your mom, literally…Slammed right into her when I went running. She insisted on breakfast."
Seeing Trish, knowing Harm was alive and living stateside was the only reassurance she needed to make such a drastic decision. She'd return to the VOQ with a plan in place and a resolve to start another path. "I think Chegwidden knew it was coming. Shit, he probably thanked his lucky stars, I haven't been a model senior officer of late. Had it been different I would have hung on but I couldn't."
He honestly didn't know what to say. A sliver of guilt twisted in his chest as he asked the one thing he'd wondered about the last two years. "Do you think things would have been different if I had stayed?"
"You wouldn't have wound up here working on a goddamned mountain in shit weather." The weight of her own words hung in the air, and Harm could feel the guilt she carried that was just as heavy as his own. "I'm a stupid woman, selfish to believe I could keep both you and Mic.. And you're right, it was only a matter of time before he butted into our friendship or forced me out of Washington just to keep me away from you."
Harm frowned, "I really wasn't that much of a threat," he said, though he knew that wasn't true.
Mac looked at him then, her eyes holding an honesty that pierced right through him. "Yes, you were. Because I would have left Mic if you'd asked me to and he knew that. Hell, I might have even run away with you the night of my engagement party if only you'd told me you loved me."
Her words were like a revelation that both broke and healed something inside him all at once. The heaviness of her words sunk in. It was overwhelming to think that he could have had a chance but was too anchored to his own honor to chase it. All he could do now was look at her, regret and yearning filling the space between them.
Harm's throat tightened, the unspoken words lingering between them like a storm ready to break. He wanted to tell her everything now but he hesitated because the truth wasn't simple and he wanted to be selfish for as long as possible.
Instead, he forced a tight smile. "Maybe it's better that nothing happened back then."
Mac tilted her head, studying him. "Why?"
"Scuttlebutt.. They would have talked…we wouldn't have survived the rumors."
"Your honor, you mean. My name had already been drug through the mud...Were you afraid I'd drag you down with me?"
Harm flinched at her words, the sharp edge of them cutting deeper than he expected. "That's not what I meant."
"Yes it is and…shit, I hate that I can't blame you." She knew the rumors would have destroyed them, torn them apart until there was nothing left.
"I should have done something sooner." But his regret isn't just for the past but also for the present truth that pressed against his throat, suffocating him.
Her sharp eyes didn't miss it the way his jaw tightened, the flicker of something that crossed his face before he masked it. "What are you not telling me?"
"It doesn't matter."
She studied him, the firelight casting shadows across his face, highlighting the tension in his expression. "Yeah, it does. I can see it. You're hiding something."
His throat tightened. God, she always could see right through him when it mattered most. But he couldn't tell her. Not this. Not now.
He forced a thin smile. "What would you do if I asked you to stay?"
Mac blinked, the shift in his tone catching her off guard. "Stay?" she repeated softly, unsure of what exactly he was suggesting.
Harm nodded and let his hand brush her arm gently. "Yeah. Here. With me."
She hesitated, her eyes narrowing as she searched his face again, looking for answers he wasn't ready to give. "You don't get to say something like that just to distract me."
"I'm not trying to distract you," he said quickly in a pleading tone. "I'm asking you to think about it. About us."
The fire crackled between them, but the air suddenly felt colder. She didn't answer right away because she understood that staying wasn't so simple. Mac would have to give up more than she'd already had. It wasn't just her career but her life. Her identity.
She'd have to disappear, just like him. Go into hiding, with no guarantee of when - or if - they could ever come back. And the scariest part… she was ready.
That realization unsettled her more than anything.
But deep down, she already knew making the trip to Oregon would change her life drastically. Because it was him. It had always been him. And maybe her foolish, lovesick heart was making the worst kind of mistake but he was what she wanted.
There was something in his eyes she'd never seen, a flicker of fear, of regret but also something unspoken, something that made her chest tighten.
Harm wasn't asking this lightly. And she wasn't hesitating because she was afraid of losing everything. She was afraid of how willing she was to do it.
"A rational person wouldn't be considering this," she whispered, more to herself than to him. "Do you love me?"
He had already said yes. He had already spoken those words, had already made the choice to offer himself to her in ways that had once seemed impossible. But hearing it from her now, hearing her voice crack as she asked, it hurt more than he expected.
He understood why. It wasn't about doubt, but the fear of making a choice so big it could never be undone. He wanted to answer immediately, but the weight of her question carried more than just the words. "Yes."
"I've always loved you, Mac," he added with a depth to it she could not ignore.
She didn't respond right away, but her eyes softened, and her hand reached up to touch his face. Her fingers traced his jaw, the touch delicate but filled with something so real it made him shiver. Her thumb moved slowly, almost reverently, over his lips, feeling the warmth of his skin. The man she knew had changed, grown up a little and she was even beginning to like the rough exterior.
"Please, don't break my heart," she whispered in a voice so shaky and vulnerable it made his chest tighten.
Harm closed his eyes tightly and let out a heavy sigh, the weight of everything he was holding back pressed against him. "Mac, I'm seeing someone…or I was. It's sorta complicated-"
But before he could say more, she reached up and cupped his face with both hands, pulling him toward her with a quiet urgency. Mac's lips met his in a demanding kiss filled with the kind of intensity that erased everything else.
For a moment, Harm froze, the kiss stealing the words from his mouth. His heart pounded, and all he could think was this was what he'd always wanted. He could figure out the rest later. He had time.
Her hands slid down to his neck, pulling him closer, and Harm finally gave in, his arms wrapping around her, pulling her against him, as if he could keep her close enough to shield her from everything he couldn't say.
"Take me to bed." Her words were a plea Harm couldn't deny and selfish as it was, he needed to feel her naked skin against his. She'd quickly become an addiction he couldn't deny himself.