Ten little fingers, ten little toes…kind of.
Although her baby hadn't quite reached double digits like his father, something she was definitely glad about, he was still much larger than what she expected a newborn to be.
With long skinny legs and peachy blonde fuzz on the top of his head, Harvey Bennett Jacobs had been the talk of the maternity ward. It also explained why she had felt so uncomfortable in the last weeks of her pregnancy.
"I told you he would be tall- You better give away all those newborn onesies you got him." Marsha had told her in a teasing voice, holding his little-for-an adult but huge-for-a-newborn feet in her hand. "He looks just like Nate as a baby, he has the same chin and nose."
They were all completely smitten with him.
Cassie had managed a little uninterrupted skin to skin time with her baby before her room was flooded by constant arguing over who would get to hold him next.
A pass the parcel baby edition, in a room full of seriously messed up individuals, all in awe of an innocent little baby.
The Jacobs, who had barely spent any time together since that disastrous family lunch, were embraced by the bubble of happiness that Harvey's arrival had brought. Cassie was both surprised and pleased to see Nate and his father spend time together without being at each other's throats. As Cal's arms rocked Harvey, or as his hand rested reassuringly on Nate's shoulder while he held his own son, there was an unspoken agreement that no feud between the Jacobs men could dampen the happiness of that moment.
His middle name was, obviously, in honour of Nate's little brother. Cassie had loved the name enough to suggest it as his first name, but Nate wanted his son to have every chance in life to be completely himself - without any of the added expectations that came with carrying somebody else's name. Still, the mention of the missing Jacobs had sparked within the fractured family a fleeting moment of unity and shiny eyes. There were discreet hand squeezes, brief hugs and quick fingers drying any little tear that may have escaped.
There was a serenity in the room that gave everyone a small sense of relief. And Cassie was determined to be lulled by this fragile moment of harmony for as long as possible.
But as Cassie observed Nate and his family finally display a feeling other than disharmony, she couldn't help the lingering feeling of sadness Lexi's absence caused on an otherwise joyous day.
Much like the Cassie who would marry Nate felt like a complete stranger to Lexi, the Lexi who would miss a monumental moment in Cassie's life felt foreign to her.
However, Lexi had ceased all interaction with Cassie from the day she married Nate. Numbers were blocked, social media accounts were unfollowed, matching charm bracelets were thrown in drawers to be forgotten. It made Lexi feel like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and replaced with an aching hole in her heart.
Because as much as she loved Cassie, their relationship was a toxic element of despair in Lexi's life.
Where Cassie was meltdowns and sneaking out, Lexi was apologies and study sessions. Where Cassie was shiny blond and icy blue, Lexi was plain brown and warm chocolate. She presumed it was like that in any household, where one sibling got to live to one extreme and the other to the opposite. Polar opposites made from similar cells.
Lexi found it interesting that for someone so painfully normal and boring as herself, her life was filled with inherently abnormal and chaotic people.
From her drug-addicted father and best friend, her alcoholic mother, her self-obsessed and self-destructive sister and her criminal (ex) boyfriend, Lexi's boring day to day was scattered with moments of insanity driven by the unhinged characters making up the novel of her life.
On the topic of Fezco, Lexi had taken the opportunity of a creative writing workshop in LA to lie to Suze and go see her jailed paramour. The reality was there was no workshop and no personal invitation. Her desperation had driven her to mock up a fake letter and flyer on photoshop to show Suze without raising any questions.
Should she feel bad for lying to her mother? Sure.
But Cassie had always gotten her way with hiding the truth and apologising later.
And maybe every once in a while Lexi too wanted to feel the thrill of doing things for herself.
So it had taken her three buses and a fair bit of courage to make her way to the correctional facility Fezco was now calling home. Her old car was far too unreliable to make the long journey, so she had spent the entire ride sitting on the edge of her seat, constantly smoothing down imaginary creases on her cotton top. She had recited in her mind countless times what she expected this interaction to look like, what she wanted to say to him, what she wanted him to say back.
I'll wait for you. I love you.
Lexi would later wonder if her manic obsession with being a part of Fezco's life, despite the red flags, made her more alike to her sister than she imagined. Maybe there was an innate part to the Howard sisters that gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men.
Truthfully, her knowledge and understanding of life in jail had come from hours of binge watching Orange is the New Black and very little informative substance. So what she had imagined her visit to look like was a far cry from reality. She was met with a long queue of people waiting to see their loved ones. Impatient children, upset mothers, lawyers in cheap suits.
And something she hadn't been taught on TV, and that she found out after hours of waiting in line, was that visiting someone in jail wasn't as simple as she expected. There were forms to be filled, approvals to be given, lists to go on. And Lexi had none of it.
She had walked away with a broken heart and a foggy head.
Like many times in life, her day had gotten progressively worse.
First the new shoes she had worn for the occasion had given her a dreadful blister.
Then she got on the wrong bus.
Then she had to catch another bus to take her to the right bus.
Then she tripped and hurt her ankle.
Then she realised she lost her phone.
Her journey home had felt twice as long with no phone to look at during her journey home. It also meant her only form of entertainment was listening to her own thoughts of sadness at the current state of her life.
She had wasted a whole day trying to see Fez, and all she had to show was a blister, a swollen ankle, a missing phone and a broken heart.
By the time she walked up dark steps of their family home porch, Lexi felt ready to just crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep. She found it odd though that Suze was nowhere to be found and wondered just how concerned her mom had been to not hear from her all day. In that instance, Lexi was glad for the old landline in the kitchen so she could get in contact with her mom and reassure her she was still alive.
"Lexi, what the fuck? I've been calling you all day." Lexi could hear an agitation in Suze's voice which differed slightly from her usual neurotic behaviour.
"Hey mom, sorry I lost my phone and-" Lexi had barely gotten a chance to get her words out that Suze had cut her off again.
"Cassie had the baby."
"Wait, what?"
"Lexi, he is so beautiful. I am just on my way to grab some dinner now, my car is at Cassie's but I can come get you."
She had quickly jumped in her car and driven to the hospital to see her sister. It wasn't even something that required any mulling over or consideration- because as much as she didn't agree with Cassie's life choices, no amount of anger or disappointment would make her miss that moment.
Lexi felt a mixture of anxiety and excitement as she walked through the maternity ward, her steps echoing through the empty corridor like an annoying drip of water falling in the shower. She wondered how Cassie would react to seeing her there. Would she embrace her? Would she ask her to leave?
She had been hopeful for Nate not being in the room, that maybe he too had gone to buy some food or had taken an extended bathroom break. But, much to her dismay, she had been greeted by a sleeping Cassie and a very present Nate sitting in an armchair, looking down at the resting baby safely nestled in his arms. It was visually beautiful and emotionally unsettling.
"Hey, come in." He had greeted her softly. Her steps moved slowly and awkwardly into the room, and she suddenly hoped for a loud noise to wake up Cassie and save her from the unpleasantness of having to share this moment with Nate. "Come meet Harvey."
All those feelings though had quickly dissipated once her eyes found her nephew's tiny facial features. Nate had slowly stood up to bring his son closer to her. And Lexi suddenly couldn't stop the tears coming out of her eyes.
"Oh my god, he is so tiny." She cried, her hand softly going to touch his little hands. "Hi Harvey, I am your auntie Lexi. Sorry, I don't know why I am crying. It's been a weird day."
"You're fine, we have all been crying. And he's not tiny, he's percentile." Lexi found Nate's cordiality surprising, unnerving almost, but the reality was nothing and no one could knock Nate off his cloud at that moment. Not even Lexi Howard. "Do you want to hold him?"
Nate had pushed her towards the empty chair and placed him in Lexi's arms before she had even considered his offer. As he guided her hand to hold his head and her arms to cocoon the sleeping baby, Lexi could feel the pride radiate from Nate as he looked at his son.
Her fingers slowly traced his features. His little nose, his pouty lips, his twitching hand, his blotchy skin.
She could faintly hear Nate's voice in the background.
And Lexi allowed herself to take in the unusual normalcy of that moment.
Meeting her nephew for the first time, her proud brother in law talked her through Cassie's labour, praising his wife for her efforts, updating her on the baby's weight and length and name.
The weight of the baby in her arms, along with his peaceful breathing pattern, had slowly released her from the angst of the day's events.
Much like the happy aura surrounding the usual brooding Nate Jacobs, Lexi also found herself enthralled by Harvey's calming beauty. For Today, they both could put aside their mutual dislike of one another to marvel at the sleeping baby in her arms.
Lexi is not quite sure how much time they spent in their pleasantville bubble. It could've been an hour, or it could've been 10 minutes.
It wasn't until Harvey's sudden crying that Cassie had finally opened her eyes.
And the image of Lexi holding her son, while talking with Nate, had brought a smile to her tired face.
Nate had promptly rushed to his wife, softly brushing the hair out of her eyes and excusing himself to go find some food for Cassie- leaving the two sisters alone for the first time in a long time.
"You came." She softly told Lexi, her hand reaching out for her sister. The youngest Howard took in her sister for the first time since entering the room. Her eyes looked tired, and her hair was nowhere near perfect, but Cassie managed to look so ethereally beautiful in that moment.
Lexi's hand met Cassie's.
"Of course, I wouldn't miss it." She reassured her with a squeeze of her hand, before turning her attention to her crying nephew. "I think someone wants his Mummy." She said, before handing Cassie her baby.
"Sshhh." She tried soothing Harvey, slowly kissing his head. "Can you believe I'm a mum? I love him so much already. Is that crazy?"
And, in light of the craziness of their life in the last year, that had been the most reasonable thing Cassie had ever said to her.
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead