Motherhood was really fucking hard.

If the first week of Harvey's life was fuelled by the excitement of his arrival, in the weeks that followed Cassie really felt the struggle of caring for another human.

After coming home, Cassie and Nate's modest little house had been busy with visitors at all hours of the day. Marsha and Suze were there all the time, fussing over Harvey and Cassie, helping her out all the time. Gemma would Facetime them every morning. Lexi would stop on her way home from school for a little cuddle. Cal would also find some excuse to drop in most days, usually when he knew Nate was on campus and Marsha's car was not in her driveway. Bev and Bud had come down to meet their very first great-grandchild, armed with toys and hand sewn quilts and tiny knitted mittens and frozen meals for days.

But as the novelty of a newborn in the family wore off, and the visits less frequent, the reality of the situation had finally dawned on Cassie who felt lonelier than ever.

Her little bubble of happiness had suddenly burst and her life unravelled before her.

She could not remember the last time she had more than 3 hours consecutive sleep. Or had a nice, hot, long shower. Her hair felt disgusting, her body flabby and her skin dry. Her nipples had been cracked and raw and her boobs swollen. Breastfeeding had been much more painful than she imagined, as she figured out latching and let downs and breast-feeding friendly clothing.

She loved being Harvey's mom, she truly did. But sometimes, when she could hear him cry and cry all morning and all afternoon and all night, Cassie just felt like curling up into a ball and crying herself to sleep.

Then there was Nate.

It was very clear from the moment they came home that, as smitten as he was with his son, Nate's idea of fatherhood involved very little of the nitty gritty and very much of the peaceful moments.

Most days, he would come home and go straight to Harvey who loved being in his Daddy's arms. After screaming all day long with her, he would turn into the most peaceful little angel as soon as Nate scooped him up- only to start all over again the moment his dad fell asleep and Cassie would tend to him all of the night. Sometimes, Cassie wondered what she had done to make her son dislike her so much. She would spend her entire day holding him, changing him, feeding him, keeping him alive and all he would do was scream in her face.

She was exhausted.

While Nate got to sleep soundly all night, Cassie would be up every few hours with a crying baby. But, unlike Cassie who stayed home with their son, Nate had college and work. He needed time to study. He needed to be focused in meetings. He needed to ace his exams. He was in bed late and up super early to fit as much into his day as possible. He needed a full night's sleep more than her. Surely, she could have a nap during the day while Harvey slept. What else could she possibly do all day long?

And, as he had pointed out when Gemma asked if they were both getting up during the night, most cries were because of their son being hungry and, as he was drinking exclusively from her breast, there was no use both of them being awake for half the night. To Nate (and therefore Cassie), it made sense that she would be the one up every couple of hours trying to settle Harvey.

Still, as she watched her husband sleeping soundly with his ear plugs in, an overtired Cassie sometimes fantasised of smothering him with a pillow. Or making a sudden loud noise that would jolt him awake and keep him up for hours.

There was no doubt in Cassie's mind that Nate loved Harvey more than anyone else in the world.

He could come home so angry at the world and take one look at their sleeping boy and let it all melt away. Or when he would put a sleeping Harvey on his chest and wrap his arm around Cassie and they would just lie there together and the rest of the world didn't exist. Or when he would whisper how much he loved her and their son and their family. And Cassie would feel little of her anger dissipate.

When Nate put in the time and effort, he could be the most amazing partner. Like when he had woken up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and had heard Harvey's loud cries coming from the nursery. Cassie had been overtired and distraught, crying to herself as she tried to rock Harvey back to sleep.

And Nate, he had a way of calming them both down.

She remembers that night sitting on his lap, in the rocking chair in the corner, letting him rock them both to sleep, soothing her, letting her feel protected in his embrace. Reassuring her that she was doing a great job taking care of their son, that she was a good Mum and a good wife.

And then there were times where he could be so selfish, so unsupportive, so demanding.

There would be his clothes would be left everywhere for her to put away, his elaborate requests for meals that accommodated his fitness plans, his annoyance at her falling asleep after they spent 15 minutes deciding on a show to watch, his complaining about the house being a mess, his constant need for her attention whenever he was home, his desire for some sort of sexual interaction at night.

And with all her might, Cassie tried to make fatherhood an easy of an experience for Nate as possible. She lived in fear of what would happen the moment Nate realised what a nightmare their life actually was. What would he do if he got over playing family?

She tried to make sure her hair was brushed, and her clothes clean, and his dinner ready and her libido found whenever he was home. But sometimes, she couldn't control the angry snapping back- and a little comment would turn into a screaming row and it would end with the front door slamming and Nate's tires screeching across the driveway.

And then Harvey would start crying, and Cassie would start crying and Nate would eventually come home apologising. And their cycle would start all over again.

Nate's existence, and the hardship of motherhood, felt so suffocating at times.

His demands, his selfishness, his anger, his jealousy, his controlling nature, his cruel remarks, his way of constantly making her feel insecure and inept.

On the other hand, she could not fathom a life without him by her side.

She would remind herself that her husband worked hard to provide for their family, to create a future for them, to give them a home. It made her feel guilty for fighting with him, for making his time at home unpleasant. She felt like she should be more grateful.

She felt this constant inner turmoil of loving and hating Nate, loving and hating motherhood, loving and hating herself.

Cassie had spent so long dreaming of this life- being a wife, a mother, having a family. And now that her dream was a reality, why did she feel such discontent with her life? It was a hard pill to swallow- she could not fathom what it would mean to admit that perhaps she had made a mistake.

So, instead, she put on her signature smile for friends and family, as though she had never been happier, when in reality she felt herself retreat into the darkest of places. She went through the motions, but she felt so disconnected. Disconnected as a partner, as a mother, as a friend. Like this surely could not be her life, like she had woken up in somebody else's body.

Sure, she posted cute little family photos on her Instagram, short videos of rare moments of peace when Harvey would sleep, content of Nate and Harvey that made Nate look like a much more hands on Dad than he actually was. In reality, she was rapidly drowning and her picture perfect family felt more like a sinking ship.

"I think I have him on a pretty good routine now, Mom." She had lied with fake enthusiasm over the phone, when Suze had called her to check in. "We're doing really well."

Call it a mother's intuition, but Suze had sensed the distress in her daughter's voice, the fake happiness, she heard the incessant crying in the background. So she dropped in unannounced.

"Cass, you should have told me you were having a hard time." Suze said, holding her crying daughter. One look at Cassie was all it took for Suze to see what a farce her daughter had put up.

So she started picking Cassie up every day to spend a few hours back home. She let her sleep for a few hours while she watched the baby. She helped her with her laundry. She cooked some hot meals for her to take home. She helped her get some much deserved rest.

And Cassie felt a bit more herself again.

But then Nate would make her feel guilty for relying so much on her mother, and Lexi would start with her judgemental comments, and Suze would complain about her headaches.

And Cassie just felt like the greatest failure of all time.

And I'll kiss a boy and pretend for the night 'cause I don't know much about me

I'm still ashamed of who I used to be so I try way too hard, but I still miss the mark to fit in