Things were good.
If the first weeks of Harvey's life had been a nightmare for Cassie, things had taken a turn for the better as winter break came along. She had slowly settled into a routine and her baby seemed to be less of a crying demon every day. She had overcome plugged milk ducts and all the wonderful things that came after birth that no one had prepared her for. Her mom had been instrumental in helping her regain some sanity and some beauty sleep, and Cassie was glad their relationship had come such a long way from the start of the year.
Things were good.
She still struggled with the monotony that came with being a mom. Her days were often repetitive and made up of feeding and sleeping schedules and doing the same tasks over and over again. She would be lying if she said it wasn't a little boring at times. However, as she recovered from childbirth, her doctor gave her the go ahead to resume more and more activities. She slowly added little workouts and light jogs pushing Harvey's pram to their daily routine.
Physically, she felt good. Perpetually sleep deprived, but good.
Her relationship with Nate had also improved dramatically as they slowly settled into their new roles as parents. She learned to be less resentful of Nate and more communicative of her needs. She was more calm and approachable, which in turn meant Nate was also more calm and approachable. The fighting had simmered a little and the heat had been turned up in the bedroom.
Things were good.
Sure, their relationship still had cracks on its surface. Some fine little angel hair cracks, some larger cracks with patchy glue holding them together. They were far from perfection. Their life and relationship continuously had Cassie feeling like she was walking on a tightrope. While they hadn't been completely chaste until her check up, Cassie felt self-conscious of her post-baby body. She had been lucky, with her body bouncing back to her pre-baby weight relatively easily, but little stretch marks and imperfections and looser skin were still taking their time to fade away and Cassie felt anything but sexy.
Nate didn't seem deterred by her less than perfect body in their intimacy, as his fingers traced the fine little lines across her abdomen. Still, a part of her felt insecure about her relationship with Nate, who was surrounded by hot college girls who were happy and carefree and not walking around with milk pads stuffed in their bras.
She would often find herself pushing his hand away from her stomach or covering parts of her body from his intense gaze. Only for Nate to uncover them again.
"I hate when you do that." He would tell her, moving her arm away. "I don't want you to hide from me. Fuck, just seeing that drives me insane." He would comment as little droplets of milk ran down her breast.
Nate had an inexplicable attraction towards pregnancy and motherhood. To him, her stretch marks and painfully engorged breasts were a constant reminder of the sacrifices made to show her love for him and their son. It was intoxicating to him. He often told her how he missed the sight of her swollen belly, of seeing her carry his child.
And Cassie could not think of anything worse than having another baby any time soon.
But she went along with his fantasies and overcompensated in the bedroom in hopes he wouldn't be tempted by other girls.
Things were good.
Their first official outing as a family was the annual Winter Carnival.
Cassie wondered if the students of East Highland had yet recovered from the sight of Nate Jacobs walking around with a baby strapped to his chest and his hand holding Cassie's. She could feel the stares and hear the whispers, the heads turning back quickly as they walked past. It was the first year that Cal's famous chilli stand was not present and the carnival was buzzing with rumours of the absence of the Jacobs family.
But they didn't allow themselves to be perturbed by the negative attention. They walked proudly as a family and stopped to chat to old acquaintances who gushed over their bundled up little bundle of joy.
Lexi had also been there with her friends and Cassie would be lying if she said that the interaction between her group and their family had not been incredibly awkward.
Rue, who had been like a second little sister to her, and Kat, whose presence had been a constant in so many of her high school memories- both now almost strangers to her as they met her son for the first time. And Jules's presence, knowing what Cassie now knew about her and Nate and Cal, had been less than comforting for the new mom.
Lexi had seen Cassie from far away earlier in the evening, but had purposely waited for her to be by herself with Harvey before going up to greet them along with her friends.
For a brief moment they all huddled around Harvey, Kat softly touching his mitten clad hand. Cassie wasn't sure if their friendly approach was out of respect for Lexi or genuine awe of her cherub looking son. But as Nate's heavy hand went to rest on her shoulder as he returned from the bathroom, the moment of friendship had come to an abrupt end and had been replaced with awkward silence and clunky goodbyes.
While Cassie's relationship with Nate had been thriving, and her relationship with her mother closer than it had been in years, Cassie's relationship with Lexi still had its little big hiccups they were constantly working on overcoming.
In a surprising move, Lexi had reached out to Cassie to accompany her dress shopping for her Winter Dance. And while there was excitement around spending a day with her sister looking at beautiful clothes, the first signs of tension had come from their call that morning when Cassie had let her know she only had about an hour to spend at the mall.
"Isn't Nate home today? Can't he look after Harvey?" Lexi had asked, confused at her sister's time constraints.
"Well, yes, but only while he is napping so I have to be home by the time he wakes up. Or, I have to bring him with us but he might get fussy while we're out."
Lexi had not hidden her disappointment at the news, and Cassie could understand why Lexi felt that way. But a part of her also wished Lexi could see things from Cassie's point of view and cut her some slack every once in a while.
Her sister's dislike of Nate was evident and vice versa.
And Cassie constantly found herself between a rock and a hard place, trying to keep a balance between the two.
Their phone call had ended with a passive aggressive remark from Lexi essentially telling Cassie not to bother going with her. As a result, their communication since the incident had been scarce to say the least, making family time during the holidays even more awkward than usual.
It seemed like no matter how hard she tried, there was never a moment where her relationship with everyone important in her life was in a good place at the same time. The moment one improved, the other deteriorated. And most days, Cassie lacked the energy to argue with either Nate or Lexi.
The underlying tensions would surely make for an awkward holiday period, with the families blending to celebrate Harvey's first Thanksgiving and Christmas.
A positive of the holidays had been Nate being home more and Cassie finally spending some time with Gemma.
Her new friend had been a little MIA as she focused on her final year of college, and Cassie was so grateful to have her company back to regain some sanity from the often monotonous routine of motherhood.
They both watched Harvey relax on his play mat, his legs kick about and eyes alternating between scanning the room and dozing off. Her baby had gone from just crying or sleeping to slowly developing more and more into his own little personality. And Cassie was getting to enjoy watching him experience the world for the first time.
"I can't believe how big he is already!" Gemma had commented, catching one of his chubby legs in her hand and marvelling at his tiny big foot. "Don't you just want to eat him up? He is so chunky."
"He is growing like crazy! And he is constantly eating, like he's always stuck to my boob." Cassie had told her friend with a laugh, before peppering Harvey's other leg with kisses.
As they sat together, Gemma would entertain her with fun stories from college parties and difficult professors. In return, Cassie would update her on Harvey's milestones and her latest family drama.
Cassie longed for more interactions like this with genuine friends.
Cassie longed for more friends in her life.
Unlike Cassie, Nate's social life had been buzzing all throughout the winter break. Most of his friends had come home for the holidays and their humble little abode had become the hotspot for beers and football on the weekends.
Cassie could not help but reflect on how different her and Nate were when it came to friendships.
Sure, Nate's social circle was much larger than Cassie's had ever been. His phone would constantly buzz with people inviting him to rowdy house parties or out for drinks. People wanted him around them, they wanted to be able to say Nate Jacobs was coming. And Nate revelled in the influence he had over his friends.
Yet, most of his friendships were superficial at best.
They were party friends, friends you might have a barbecue with or a wild boys trip in Vegas.
For now, his friends found the novelty of their domestic life entertaining. Nate had his own home, where he could drink unlimited alcohol and do whatever he wanted without his parents' supervision. He had married a hot girl who cleaned up after them, made them snack platters to enjoy during the game and looked after his son. He had enough money to support his young family and still managed to show his face at most parties.
Nate was still a king.
But Cassie wondered how long that would last for. What would happen when Nate's glory as the town quarterback and cool kid would finally fade? How will his macho friends react when rumours of Cal Jacobs leaving his wife for another man would start circulating?
She watched him sit back sipping his beer, while his jock friends laughed at the umpteenth misogynistic joke of the night. He would occasionally join in their conversation, laugh at something silly being said, but for the most part his smile never reached his eyes. He was there but not present.
What would happen when being Nate Jacobs no longer meant being Nate Jacobs?
Harvey's little cries coming through the baby monitor had taken her focus away from the buffoonery in her living room and seen her make her way to her son's nursery. Pumpkin, who had taken to sleeping in the nursery whenever Harvey was in there, had started jumping and barking as soon as she walked in.
"Are those silly boys making too much noise for you?" She asked before cradling her fussy son in her arms. "Mommy is sorry they're ruining your nap."
Harvey seemed content to settle in her arms as she rocked them both in the chair. His eyes had slowly started to close again and after a few minutes she could tell he had settled into a peaceful slumber once again. Cassie found herself dozing off along with Harvey, only to be woken by Nate's voice a little later.
She was unsure if a few minutes or hours had gone by, or if their living room was still flooded with Nate's friends.
"I was wondering where you were. The game is over and the boys are heading to The Mitre." He would say, his hand softly stroking her blond hair. Pumpkin's excited little yaps at Nate's entrance had woken up Harvey who started stirring in her arms. "Hey buddy…"
She watched as Nate swooped Harvey in his arms and softly started bouncing him. Her son, who was so much bigger than the other babies in her mom group, always looked so much smaller in Nate's big arms.
"Did you have a big sleep? Did Daddy wake you? Is Mommy comfortable?" His voice was low as he chatted to their son and asked him questions he couldn't answer yet.
"Are you heading to the Mitre with the boys?" Cassie had asked once her sleepy brain fog had passed.
"Nah, I kicked those losers out." He told her, looking at her with a smile before turning back to look at their son.
And Cassie couldn't help but notice the way his smile had reached his eyes this time.
Yes, she mused, things were good.
If you go I'll stay. You come back, I'll be right here.
Like a barge at sea, in the storm I stay clear 'cause I've got my mind on you.