By the time their party comes around, Cassie feels exhausted and rundown.
Her ideal evening would be a cosy blanket and uninterrupted sleep, the last thing she feels like doing is dressing up and spending time with people from high school. Still, the outfit Raphael helped her pick out fits her like a glove- it's short enough to show off her toned legs and low cut enough to highlight her bust.
She looks fucking hot.
She feels miserable though.
Nate takes one look at her outfit and frowns. He disapproves of such a revealing outfit- forever battling the side of him that likes to show off his wife as a pretty little doll, with the side of him that wants her locked away for no one else to see. Tonight angry, insecure Nate wants her concealed from the world, the thought of a young college boy without anywhere near as much baggage as him offering her a drink, or admiring her body, driving him insane.
Cassie wonders if Nate will ask her to change, and what she would do if he did. But he doesn't and she doesn't. She revels in this small act of defiance.
Marsha gushes when she sees her outfit, but even her compliments fall flat.
To add to her reluctance to attend the evening soiree, Harvey is incredibly cranky and clingy as she tries to settle him for the night. He had been like this all day, stuck to her like a little Koala bear, needing her to soothe him, to nurse him, to be in his view at all times. He had screamed the house down when she had left him napping with just Nate, whilst she started getting ready, and only stopped once she lay down beside them.
"He'll be fine once you leave." Marsha reassures her. "Have fun, live a little."
So she does. Or at least, she tries.
Her and Nate travel in complete silence in their Uber. She appreciates the quietness, already picturing the loudness at their destination. She hasn't been to a party in a while, she's not used to the sea of body and loud music anymore.
Nate takes her hand in his as they walk through the house, his strong vice claims his ownership over her for the party guest to see. A reminder that she is his, even when they may not like each other. His possessive hand, her flashy diamond ring, her sparkly N (and now H) charm- to anyone who looks their way, Cassie belongs to Nate.
The guestlist is mainly people that graduated with them, some home for the holidays, others never having left the county. There's some people from Lexi's grade, seniors cool enough to be seen with college kids, and a few scantily clad young sophomores who were invited along by some horny jocks hoping to get laid. It feels not that long ago that she was one of them.
She spots Kat and BB in one corner and makes it her mission to avoid them all night. Lexi is not with them, she's not sure if she will be joining since she had barely spoken with her sister since Christmas.
They settle in with a group of their friends, Nate's friends really, and Cassie barely pays attention to the conversation around her. Nate leaves to do his victory lap around the backyard, greeting his fanclub, revelling in his glory. He kisses her temple before leaving, she wonders if it's a sign his first drink has mellowed him out or if it's just another part of their perfect couple act.
"You look so fucking hot, Cass!" Some girl from cheer, Leah Harding, shrieks in her ear. "I can't believe you just had a baby and you look this good. Have you been working out?"
As Leah's posse nods and showers her with compliments, Cassie wonders how shocked they would be if she showed them her stretch marks, and cracked nipples, and dark circles, and split ends, and told them she barely has time to shower, or eat, let alone work out.
But she doesn't, she flashes them a fake smile and a thank you and excuses herself to get a drink.
The kitchen smells of stale beer and sickeningly sweet mixers, her black heels stick to the floor as she moves around and the smell of alcohol makes her nauseous even though she is completely sober. So she pours a soda and checks how long until midnight, until she can leave this party and go home and get some rest.
She texts Marsha for an update. She checks the baby-cam. She scrolls through her Instagram.
She is so fucking bored.
She does a lap of the party, says a few hellos, avoids a couple of people, until she finally spots Nate outside with a group of guys she hasn't met before.
"Hey baby…" He says pulling her close to him. He's calm and soft. He kisses her lips. He wraps his arms around her waist. He's a little tipsy and touchy. "Do you know Jack and Riley? They went to St Catherine's."
Cassie plays her role well, she smiles, laughs, tucks into his side. She can feel Jack looking at her, checking her out, his eyes scanning her body a couple of times. She wonders how Nate will react, if it will make him feel good about himself, the thought of other guys envying him, wanting something that's only his. Or if it will make him more upset, more insecure, more jealous. His emotions are a rollercoaster. She feels his arms tighten around her with every glance from the others, she watches his jaw lock, his chest puff.
"This outfit is inappropriate." He whispers in her ear when the guys start chatting to someone else. "You're a mother, you're my wife. You shouldn't be dressed like the girls here trying to pick up some guy."
The last thing Cassie wants is another fight with Nate, especially at this party. But his words only add to her frustration towards him, the way he constantly feels the need to remind her about her role as a mother. As though the dark circles under her eyes from being up all night with their son, while Nate slept soundly, were not enough of a visual reminder.
"I hate when other guys look at you, when I think about their thoughts…it makes me fucking sick." He tells her, his words slurring a little. She can feel his paranoia sink in, she can see it in his vacant eyes, she can feel it in his harsh voice. She can picture the switch in his head, the one that makes him go from normal to Nate, itching to flick. Ready to fight, to pounce, to attack. What would happen, she wonders, if she pushed him over the edge. If she flicked the switch.
"I won't wear it again." She promises. She stops the switch from flicking.
By the time their friends circle back, they have switched back into perfect couple mode. Except she now has Nate's jacket over her dress, covering her up as much as possible. It makes her think of how often McKay would make her feel ashamed for her sexuality, and it irks her to no end. If only Nate could understand the only eyes she is interested in are his.
A little before midnight, she feels her phone buzz in her bag. It's a call from Marsha and her heart jumps up to her throat as she answers.
Harvey's cries are so loud she can barely make out Marsha's words.
"He just won't settle, has been crying all night, I think you may need to come home."
Nate is quick to book them an Uber to go home, despite her offer for him to stay with his friends. But he wouldn't do that, she can feel the anxiousness radiating from him about their son's wellbeing.
She almost has to fight him for the baby the moment they walk through the door but, as much as he loves his Daddy, her arms are the only ones their son wants right now. He feels a little warm, probably from crying so much and he only starts to quiet down once she nurses him.
Marsha apologises for making them miss the rest of their party, but Cassie feels so content being back in the comfort of her home.
Midnight comes and goes as they sit on their couch, the fireworks on TV playing faintly in the background, their dog curled up to them and their fussy son slowly drifting to sleep.
Nate seems a bit distant, fiddling on his phone, occasionally staring at her intently before going back to his phone. She puts it down to being bored of just sitting there watching her nurse while his friends party all night. It wasn't the New Year's Eve either of them expected.
It's only once she puts Harvey down, and settles into his side, that he makes his thoughts known.
"Did you get home with an Uber the other day?" He asks quite nonchalantly, his fingers toy with her hair a little as she rests her head on his shoulder.
"From the mall? Yes…" Had she not been so exhausted she probably would have clicked earlier that his sudden line of questioning was odd.
"So why isn't your trip coming up on my account?"
"What do you mean?" Her body goes rigid near him and Nate's fingers stop their soothing motion through her hair.
"I mean, you use my Uber account. I can see your trip to the mall, but not one coming back."
"Are you seriously going through your history?"
"When I know you're lying to me? Yes." Before she has time to respond, he adds. "You know our cameras can see the neighbour's driveway? I mean it's not everyday your Uber ride is a brand new Range Rover…"
"It's not what you think…" Her hands reach out to touch him, but he pushes them away and scoots his body away from hers on the couch.
"I don't know what to think, Cass, because you keep looking at me in the eye and fucking lying to my face."
It's with a shaky voice that she tells him everything.
About her chance encounter with Raphael and Cal, about her friendship with Cal, about all the afternoons his dad spent with her and Harvey. It seems so menial, she didn't mean to bump into them at the mall. She didn't plan this. Sure, she enabled Cal's visits, but is that really that big of a deal?
To the normal, reasonable, person- it is not.
For Nate Jacobs, for her husband, it is.
"He is my father, Cassie, not yours. You have no right going over me and deciding if our son has a relationship with him. Do you have any idea how fucked in the head I am because of him? I look in the mirror everyday and hate who I see. I have nightmares, I see the most fucked up shit in my dreams. Fuck, my little brother died in front of my eyes while my dad was probably off screwing someone. I blame Cal for so much- and what he gets to start a new life and I'm stuck with my demons? He gets to find love while we're here fighting about him?"
"Nate, I'm so-"
"What? You're sorry? You knew all of these things about my relationship with him. So why would you? 'Cause your Dad won't see you? You wanted mine instead? Fuck, Cass, you're so fucked in the head. Are you that fucking desperate to be loved? Do I not give you enough?"
"I'm sorry, you're right. I hoped that if you saw him with Harvey it might help you with your relationship."
He watches big fat tears roll down Cassie's face, he avoids her hands and body as she tries to close the physical distance between them. He knew how she fought, he knew all about the tears, he knew all about the soothing touches, he knew all about her distracting kisses. And he knew that any physical contact with her could send his rage through the roof.
"You had no right." His voice is harsh and low, and he is almost more terrifying when composed than shouting. "And you fucking lied to my face, made me think I was being this crazy jealous asshole when in reality you were hiding this from me. How can I trust you? "
Any apologies, excuses, explanations fall mute. There is nothing Cassie can say in that moment that will actually cut through Nate's anger. She follows him as he makes his way through their house, as he throws on a jumper and as he puts his sneakers back on.
She tries to stop his hand as it reached for his car keys.
"Stay, please." She begs.
The look she gets back is so icy and cold it cuts through her and makes her shudder. It's annihilating.
He grasps her delicate wrist with ease, and removes it from his arm as though she were nothing more than an annoying bit of lint. He flicks her hand away from him almost with disgust.
"I can't fucking look at you right now."
I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy