AU: John reads the letter Sam has written for Jack and learns a lot more than he was expecting.

TRIGGERS: Mention of underage relationship, mention of Major Character Death.

A/N: The letter from Sam is in italics and centred to make it stand out. Fair warning. Make sure you have a box of tissues handy.

Chapter 32: Everyone Hurts... Sometimes...

Thursday, 24th June 2004 – Driving through Colorado Springs – John O'Neill

It was my second time sitting in the passenger seat of my truck reading a letter. Only this time the letter was from Sam to Jack about me rather than from Jack to me about Sam. It was thick and barely able to fit inside the envelope she has chosen but then again, the snugness could also be the USB drive included.

"What's this?" I asked Charlie, holding up the chunky red plastic stick that looked like it had been buried at the bottom of a drawer, ignored in favour of other slimline thumb drives that had a larger capacity.

"What does it look like, John." Charlie responded unhelpfully, so I rolled my eyes reflecting a long-suffering 'I know what it is' look in his direction. "Don't ask me." He replied while lifting his hands off the steering wheel momentarily only to grab it again when the truck veered to the left because the tyres were in serious need of an alignment.

"Forget it." I muttered and slipped the drive into my pocket to look at later then unfolded what had to be nearly six pages.

Six double-sided pages.

I groaned remembering her propensity include absolutely everything in her mission reports and the veritable stories I would have to sift through before they went to Hammond. Thankfully, she had numbered each page in the top right corner so that if I did manage to get them out of order, I had a quick reference for putting them back the way they should be. That, and the font she used wasn't small, so that was another positive.

She began with an apology to Jack for keeping it in the room for so long, touching on things that I remembered and things I didn't – like the Prometheus mission – then moved onto what she called the disaster that was Pete Shanahan and her year of cluelessness. A year that ended with some tumultuous event she deemed unnecessary to mention, though whatever it was, it triggered a breakup, cancellation of the wedding and her move to Area 51. I figured that must have been when Jack met this mysterious woman she had mentioned during those dark days at Cascade. Maybe Jack moving on was this 'event' she deemed too secret to include in these pages of regret. Other than the accusation from what could very well have been her deathbed, she had never said another word about this CIA agent that she believed Jack had become smitten with. Smitten had never been a word to use with either of us, except where she was concerned.

Oh yeah, we were completely and utterly smitten with Sam Carter.

Even after spending time with Veronica – who was nice, and I liked her – she didn't hold a candle to Sam Carter. Not that I'd be seeing Ronny ever again. Her Aunt made that completely clear despite Ronny insisting that she 'was under no circumstances changing schools', I had a feeling that she wouldn't have a choice. Her parents had the money and only sent her to Mountain Springs because it meant they didn't have to drive her to school. She was close enough to walk or catch the bus which meant that their daughter's education did not impact on their time schedules. No wonder she looked for attention wherever she could find it.

Turning my attention back to the letter, I continued to read.

I've told you about the Odyssey mission, Jack, so I won't bore you with that, and you know everything that happened those first weeks after I arrived.

What you don't know is how much I regret my actions towards you, then again, if it was me that drove you to break the rules then I don't regret a single thing. I would yell and scream and curse you again if I thought it would bring her back. You deserve so much in your life and if it's a version of me that you have deemed worthy to be your partner, then I am eternally grateful for the chance to give you everything you deserve.

I never believed in karma or fate or destiny, but somehow Dad managed to convince me that perhaps the universe is working in our favour. At least, it's a beautiful concept. And as fate would have it, you sent you to get me on my feet.

Well, not you. John. While he is you, he is also his own person with the same principles, drive to succeed and passion. He made me who I am. A General. A woman. Not a sad sorry version of myself than I became without you in my life. I know how Samantha felt for those 5 years, because I felt it for 50 years and I'm feeling it now. If I had a choice, it would be to pull John close and never let him go but life doesn't always give us apples, so we make do with lemons. Unless you're Rodney McKay.

The jab at Rodney's so-called citrus allergy had me stifling a laugh. I had never met him as this version of myself, but I remembered him, his major crush on Sam and his propensity to speak to everyone like they were two steps above Neanderthal. I also remember Sam threatening him with a slice of lemon cheesecake after he called her 'blondie' one too many times.

Flipping the page over, I continued to read taking comfort in the fact that she did still feel something for me despite our confrontation.

John has received orders. They are early. Earlier than they were in my time. I didn't tell him because I was fighting it. They anticipated my refusal to deliver them personally, so they mailed them before my promotion. In true Jack O'Neill style – just like last time – he broke into the SGC and confronted me. We argued and I did the only thing I could short of arresting him.

"Shit, Carter." I muttered to myself, covering my mouth with my hand. I had been so focused on the orders issued by the Air Force that I didn't even stop to consider that she would be fighting them on my behalf. That her reason for not telling me wasn't betrayal or secrecy, it was so much more. They had made her my CO. She could have had me arrested and confined, but she skirted the edge of the regulations and had me removed from base with a stern warning to not return until I was reporting for duty.

What did I do? Instead of reading between the lines and trusting her, I ran off and hooked up with my ex-girlfriend without even considering why she was telling me to get away. The next paragraph sent a jolt through my system, telling Jack that she had no choice but to leave the SGC to keep me safe.

"She's left!" I looked at Charlie suddenly, not realising we were sitting on the street outside Sam's old house. "Where has she gone?" I tacked on the end because surely, he knew.

"She's gone to find Thor. Apparently, she went in her time as well." Charlie responded calmly and without any preamble.

"Charlie, she's 90... what... why would you..." I spluttered, completely and utterly gobsmacked that a woman of her age would be allowed to leave the safety of the Mountain to go galaxy hopping looking for a little grey man who might be able to help Jack. What if he couldn't help? Just because he did in her time, didn't mean he could now. Things were different.

"90? Pfft… whatever you guys did here and in Minnesota… and I'm not saying I want to know, because I don't, she is not 90 anymore, John." Charlie replied quickly while holding his hands up as if to shield himself from the potential for 'too much information'.

"We… errr… well… it wasn't…" I stuttered.

"Hey! I said I didn't want to know." He barked, though his face heavily suggested that he did know, or at least suspected that he knew. Either way, I crossed my arms and smirked in his direction.

"At least we didn't wake the neighbours." I threw in the off-handed comment.

"Ah… la la la…" He yelped covering his ears comically giving away completely that he knew more than he wanted to about Sam's miraculous de-aging. Still, he smiled and shook his head, then sighed audibly. "At the end of the day, she's a General and my CO, John. I don't question her, I follow orders. Now read." He responded tersely, all levity gone from his voice while pointing his finger at the wad of paper in my hands.

Casting my eyes back, I easily picked up where I'd left off as if I knew exactly where on the page those words were.

John is in danger, and I need you to stop it happening again.

"Again. What again?" I murmured to myself wondering what had been so bad that she feared it happening in this version of time.

I know that things are going to be different this time around. They already are. But I just can't shake the awful feeling that John's fate was written in stone the moment he signed that agreement with the Air Force. There were things set in motion long before I arrived that must be stopped. If they can't be stopped, he needs to disappear.

Her words now had my full attention as a deep-seated fear settled in the pit of my stomach. There had not been many times in my life since losing Charlie when I felt bone deep fear. Carter in the silo with Cassie, Jolinar taking Carter, Ba'al's house of fun and nearly losing Carter to Nirrti's experiments.

They came for him not long after his 17th birthday. We didn't know because he had cut ties with us. When you found out that he had been issued orders, you insisted on updates. I was sitting opposite you in the SGC General's office when John's CO called you. Yes, you were a General by then. You told me you were only checking to make sure he was OK.

Except they lied.

You received reports detailing a happy young man with a girlfriend, living in an apartment in Fallon, Nevada. Training to be a pilot. Camping trips, fishing, a carefree life on his terms.

We had no idea.

It wasn't until one day – four months into my posting at Area 51 – that I discovered the awful truth. John had never gone to Fallon. Never entered pilot school. In fact, he bypassed basic training altogether. You were in Washington, and we hadn't spoken a word since the day before the ill-fated fishing trip that I didn't go on. Even that conversation was stilted and overly professional. It was as if we had forgotten who we used to be to each other.

John was nothing more than a guinea pig for various Ancient and Goa'uld technologies unearthed from Antarctica and other sites around the galaxy, including the Tel'chak device. He was under house arrest. No girlfriend. No freedom. No carefree happy young man. He was a shell of himself. I sent you several messages. You didn't get any of them. Then the threats came, and I was told in no uncertain terms that his existence was classified at the highest level, not even the Head of Home World Security was cleared, and that any interference or attempts to inform you would see me sent to Leavenworth without a trial.

House arrest? Without a trial? I knew that the government hid all sorts of things at Area 51, but the whole keeping people against their will just seemed a little too Independence Day to me. Then again, I had never known Carter to lie to me. Conceal things, yes, but never lie. This entire letter was filling my body with chills, but I could not stop reading.

So, I did what I could. Making sure he ate and slept, but no matter how much I tried, I never saw him smile. He didn't know how long he had been there, only that he was picked up from school on a Thursday after chess club. He remembered that because his friends had bought him a new chess board for his 17th birthday.

Eventually, I was reassigned back to the SGC. When I travelled to DC to receive my orders from you directly, I tried to tell you, but by then, the chasm between us was so great and filled with so much regret, anger and professionalism, that you refused to believe me. "Why do you care, Carter? It's not like he means anything to you." were the last words you said before dismissing me. I knew you were talking about yourself as much as you were John. He had been there for nearly a year at that stage.

Over the next year and half, I travelled to Nevada a few times when they requested my presence. With each visit, he looked more and more withdrawn. In that time, he turned 18, then 19, not that he knew or remembered.

On one such visit – my last before the Odyssey mission – they brought in an Ancient Repository. It had been found under layers of ice in Antarctica and not reported to Home World Security. They insisted John use the device. He refused. It was the first time I had seen the spark of defiance I remembered so fondly from the young man that crashed into our lives insisting he was Jack O'Neill.

For two days, he refused. I was right there with him, defending his decision. His right to not be forced against his will. Then General Bauer walked in alongside none other than Martin Kennedy who was still a Colonel. Bauer sneered, called me blondie and ordered two MPs to drag John to the device. I'll never forget – ever – how he screamed my name. How he begged me to stop them while they held me back under threat of death. He called me Colonel, then Carter and finally Sam, I can still hear the desperation in his voice even as I write this passage. I should have stopped them. I should have taken that bullet even though I knew that it wouldn't have made a difference to him in that moment.

I failed him, Jack. I failed you both.

I don't have to tell you what happened after that. He lasted thirteen and a half days. Often working for several days before exhaustion took him. In that time, Bauer tasked me to be his keeper since I had a basic understanding of Ancient. Though secretly, I think he wanted me to bear witness to his decline.

It happened on a Wednesday.

While working on a schematic for what we now know is a ZPM, he simply laid his head down and closed his eyes. There was no 'Aveo Amacus', no other words, just his tear-filled brown eyes boring into mine and silence as he slipped away, the worn pencil clattering to the table when his hand went slack.

I thought I was prepared, that countless missions where you were injured, lost or near death would harden my heart. I was wrong. Losing you, losing any version of you was the worst possible pain I have ever experienced. I tried in vain to breathe life back into his failing body, but it was futile, and I became angry at you for not believing me, for not helping him.

The next day, SG-1 were beamed to the Odyssey. I unknowingly went into a 50-year mission loaded with regret, anger, pain and the knowledge that I could not save him. It is a pain that I would simply not survive again, Jack. I need you more than ever. John needs you.

Please help him.

I end this missive with a final confession. I am coming to get you. I am not as young as I was last time and though I have every intention of seeing this through and coming home, if I don't, just know that I died saving the lives of the man I love because the truth as always been that I would rather die than those another Jack O'Neill.

Yours forever,

Carter.

"Holy shit!" I cursed, taking in a deep breath, my fist scrunching the paper slightly, a well of tears threatening to fall if I didn't wipe them away.

"What?" Charlie asked with an audible yawn. We were still in the truck. He had opened his window because it was a warm night. I looked at him knowing that my face was a mask of complete shock. She had been with me to the end. "Jack?" He prompted, an expression of concern crossing his face. Slowly, I looked at him.

"I can't stay here. I'm… it's too risky. I'm not safe to be around. I have to leave." I told him in earnest. There was no way I wanted either him or his fiancée to be collateral damage if they came after me here.

"The hell you do!" Charlie responded forcefully. "General Carter gave me an order to keep you safe, and I intend to follow that order. Everything is set. She saw to that before she left." He informed me. "Besides, we owe a certain little girl a 4th birthday party."

"What?"

"Tomorrow, you will take this vehicle to Cascade, park it at the house and be seen by whoever is watching enter through the front door. Harry will deliver groceries, which you will be seen accepting, and then go out the back to unload several crates of wood in the garage. You will make you way to the garage in that time. I'm sure you remember how." He instructed. I rolled my eyes because of course I remembered the tunnel that I had dug out under my own power. A tunnel which started behind the gas-powered fire in the basement where I had found Sam. I had never told Sam, though Charlie knew because he had convalesced there many times during our pre-SGC days.

"You will get into the tray of his pick-up and come back to the shop where I will be waiting. Then we…" he pointed between the two of us, "…leave and hightail it back to the Springs. On Saturday, we have a birthday party."

"Then what? I hide in the basement." I asked incredulously.

"Well, you can… but I was thinking more along the lines of the guest room." He said with a smile. "But hey… if you want to live downstairs where Bree's plaster cast dinosaur bones are going to be, then that's up to you." He added, then opened the truck door and stepped outside prompting me to scramble out and follow him. "Your other choice is to stay with Samantha and Grace." He offered.

"Plaster cast… what?" I asked, ignoring the whole Samantha thing because she had been making some serious eyes at me on Sunday and I wasn't sure I'd have the capability to say no to her if she tried anything. So, I focused on the dinosaur thing instead as we walked through the gate and up the path to a house that I had not been to in I couldn't remember how long since team nights were always at Jack's house.

"Dinosaur bones." He said with a sly smile, "She makes moulds of fossilized bones at work." He confessed on her behalf, "She likes to build miniature skeletons." He said giving me a look that said he was completely OK with his fiancée's obsession with dinosaurs. "Don't look at me like that. Your girlfriend collapses suns and kills gods, mine makes tiny dinosaurs." He said holding his two fingers together barely an inch apart.

"Carter's hobby is way cooler." I defended my… girlfriend seemed so strange a word to use. How do you define a woman like Sam Carter with one word. She was my former 2IC, my best friend, my confidant, my former lover, my current CO. She was my everything.

"Dinosaurs are cool." He retorted as the door closed softly behind us. OK, yeah… he had me there. Dinosaurs were cool. My Charlie and I used to build whole islands and parks with all sorts of dinosaurs long before John Hammond turned up on the silver screen with his amber encased mosquito walking stick and 'no expense spared' diatribe. "Well, I'm going back to bed. I'm sure you know your way around this place." He said with a knowing smile backed up by a yawn.

I did, but not for the reasons I suspect he was thinking. Before Loki, when my life consisted of SG-1, beer, The Simpsons, hockey and college football, Carter and I never crossed the line. Well, not physically. Mentally… that was a different story, one that started when a young blonde Captain with a chip on her shoulder challenged a veteran Colonel to an arm wrestle. If I had to be honest with myself, I adored her from the moment I met her.