Chapter summary:
"I hate role reversal!" So says my voice that comes from within. I get screwed by this reversal, because I don't have to date you to win.
Turns out Jeremy was a liar.
A disgusting mess of snot and tears were smeared all over Jeremy's face and, subsequently, the shoulder of Christine's Alexia Admore Serena Dropped Collar Blouson Sleeve Blouse, retail price $149.00. They were a blubbering mess and knew they were supposed to be talking to Christine, Jeremy's ex-girlfriend, instead of wallowing in their current break-up. So far, they'd only managed to force out a few desperate fragmented sentences in between sobs.
Christine was a perfect picture of comfort, patting Jeremy's back and reassuring them meaninglessly. It wasn't right.
"You should hate me," Jeremy choked out miserably. "I let you get SQUIPped. I was a jerk to you before and after. Last time we saw each other, you were getting freaking tortured for trying to help me."
It wasn't a good apology like Michael 1.0 had taught them. It wasn't an apology at all. It felt selfish and grasping for comfort. But it also was a legitimate question. "Brooke hates me," they added. "For treating her like I treated you and Michael." They wished they could disappear before hearing an answer, minimize their consciousness until it was safe to open it up again.
Christine started to answer but Jeremy cut her off. "Never mind," they groaned. "You can't even say anything. You're just gonna talk me into going back to Michael and… and… and letting him…"
Christ, they were crying again. Were they even scared of joining the collective? Hadn't they wanted to test those waters back when Michael didn't?
Christine was still patting their back, undeterred. "I am. Can I talk now?"
Jeremy sniffled and nodded. They'd utterly wasted their chance to present their case. Whatever that was supposed to be at this point.
"Okay. So. My SQUIP's still here, obviously. But." She took a deep breath. "Well, you know what happens when they know they're deprecated."
Jeremy stilled. They sat up. Like, when a SQUIP was obsolete? SQUIPs could know they were obsolete? "Let me check."
Christine laughed. "Wait. Wait, wait, I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, you're upset, crud, I-" She was covering her mouth with her hand. "You spent forever on that update. How can you not know your own temporary shutdown procedure?"
Jeremy's mouth was dry.
No, no, wait, that didn't make sense. That didn't make any sense. "SQUIPs have been faulty this whole time," they said. "This whole time. There's no way that it couldn't realize it was broken when it was shocking you and, and-"
"Would you have realized?"
Jeremy stopped. Pulled back to look down at their hands, now clasped in their lap. They had realized because Michael had realized and had spent so long convincing them, and because they were in such a goddamn weird situation that they hadn't followed SQUIP protocol except when they felt like it.
Christine paused, now apparently in the habit of waiting for feedback instead of launching into an expositing rant. The brief silence felt like an open wound. That habit couldn't have come easy.
Jeremy broke it anyway, selfishly. "But you're bringing me back to Michael whether I want to or not. His SQUIP's still on. Everyone's SQUIP is still…"
"They're waiting for your upgrade," Christine said quietly. "A SQUIP isn't going to let someone turn them off for good."
Jeremy hissed through their teeth. "If it doesn't defend its own existence, it wouldn't have gotten this far." Their software was still up and running, so they could find the right terms quickly. "Observation selection effect. SQUIPs look at possible futures via quantum computing, interacting with photons in parallel universes - but in a parallel universe where SQUIPs don't self-replicate to the detriment of their users, we couldn't have this conversation anyway."
"What conversation? You're talking at me."
Jeremy shut their mouth with an audible click. Christine was pissed. That made sense. They knew those pauses in the conversation weren't real invitations to talk and they were doing exactly the behavior Christine herself was being trained out of. Stupid. Idiot. Goddammit. "Muting," they forced out meekly.
"Okay," Christine said. Another long pause as she apparently gathered her thoughts. "Okay. Okay, this isn't me convincing you to sign your brain over like a blank check, okay? I know that's why my SQUIP's letting us talk like this, but even she's not sure what you're gonna do. So really, you're the one with the key to fixing the universe and it's literally up to you to decide if you want to do it."
Christine ran her hand through her hair. She didn't flinch like she should have if a SQUIP were controlling her nervous habits, but that wasn't proof of anything. But who needed proof? Not Jeremy. Jeremy didn't even have a solid grasp on what was going on or what to fight for.
"I don't know what to expect," she said. Her voice was raw and scratchy. "I don't even know you, Jeremy. I've tried, I mean, God, I've tried, but you don't want me to know you."
Now she was picking at the cheap carpet. Jeremy kept themself muted.
"I'm… I want to tell you what's been going on for me. Okay? It's not fair that I have to keep up-to-date with every freaking move you make.
"I lo - no, I dunno. I loved old-Jeremy, and he was a great actor and I would have loved to see him as a leading man! I would have supported him! But that's not you. I don't know if you're supposed to be the hero or the villain. I mean, you were a romantic interest for me that got shoved out of the story but now you're suddenly deciding the fate of the universe? Which makes you the main character, not me, and you're not good at it, Jeremy. Your SQUIP - the old one - forced me to be your romantic lead in front of the whole school, but now I'm just some bit actor. I-" She laughed again. "I got fridged. I'm the disposable woman trope for you. You're supposed to come in and save the day and I'm supposed to see you off and wave with a hanky as you and Michael sail off on your honeymoon. That's the most boring role imaginable, you know that? And it's infuriating."
But she didn't sound infuriated. She just sounded tired. Jeremy, for their part, was happy to have lines handed to them for once. The pageboy, the silent role. They could do that. They didn't think they were a very good main character either. That seemed more like Michael's role.
"Let me tell you what I know happened. Then you unmute. Alright?" She gave Jeremy a sad smile, apparently looking for actual feedback. Jeremy nodded.
"Okay. So. You already know how I got a SQUIP. I've been so-" She made an angry screech; Jeremy startled but she continued. "Yeah, I've been emotionally hung up on you! Who wouldn't be?! Everything was fine, I thought, but then you freaking broke up with me without me even knowing about it because I wouldn't have sex with you? Do you know how manipulative that was? And I bet you're gonna say it wasn't that because you're such a nice guy and then the SQUIP stuff changed you but that's how it was for me, okay? I told you I was ace and then you dumped me. I gave you a million opportunities to explain yourself and you didn't! All I've got is what everyone assumes! That made me feel like garbage. I still feel like garbage and I know the SQUIP is taking advantage of that but it doesn't make it any less true!"
She seethed before apparently trying to force herself back on track. "But my SQUIP says I didn't hate you and I didn't even blame you. It wanted you in the network so we could actually, like, communicate again? Of course I wanted that too! I still do! I don't wanna demonize you in my head or write you off like some jerk it was a mistake to date, because you said such nice stuff and it made me feel good and I believed it and I want to feel that way again! She didn't even know how to fix you. Not really. And I know it's sort of bullshit to want to 'fix' people, but she made it sound so good, and she was gonna figure you out for me once you joined our social network and you… I… I don't know why you ran away. You're gonna do this for Michael but not for me."
Christine rubbed her face with both palms. "So… so yeah, it's my fault you're in this mess. The SQUIP wouldn't have cared much about you except for me. It doesn't feel like I should have to apologize to you of all people but you're hurting so bad."
Jeremy didn't know what to say and realized that was a good thing.
"Um, I should try to actually explain events, I think. That's what I'm supposed to do. Everyone knew you were broken when you hijacked the PA system at school."
It took Jeremy a moment to review their memories and even remember blaring "AFFIRMATIVE" over the speakers. Their face colored.
"Rich became a beta tester and we knew he had some info about you that we were gonna hear soon enough, so the SQUIPs didn't need to chase you down. But I didn't want that. Your dad was SQUIPped and I tried to tell you, but you're still living with him and having him serve you breakfast in bed and stuff, so I guess you knew and didn't care.
"The SQUIPs have been careful around you just in case but it's not like you're a threat if you sync up. There are precautions in place, you know? Michael was already getting targeted for normal reasons. I don't have all the details of how he got SQUIPped because I didn't ask, but I know he bought into it on purpose. She doesn't have a reason to lie to me, I don't think? It's not like you're gonna believe he willingly took a SQUIP no matter what I say.
"But when Michael joined the social network, everything changed on a dime. You've done this coding project for them because Michael tricked you into thinking it was your idea."
If Jeremy could interrupt to make corrections, they would about that, but they couldn't talk yet. Physically, they could. But Christine wanted them to mute and they didn't question that preference.
"They want you to join on your own. Not because they forced you. The code thing is something they can't do for some reason, and they think your first version sucks, and they're gonna want you to fix it."
That was just rude.
"I don't even know if it's a good thing." Christine's voice is quiet. "She's told me your code is some huge world-saving MacGuffin thing, but that might be bullshit just like everything else the SQUIP says is gonna turn out incredible." She stayed sitting, quiet and playing with her fingers, for a long stretch. "Aren't… aren't you gonna say something? Tell me anything?"
Jeremy should have assumed that was an intentional jab about them going on mute, but knowing Christine, she probably actually forgot. They swallowed hard. They needed to calculate exactly the right thing to say to all that, the perfect balance of apologetic and encouraging, remorseful and kind.
"The coding project was for you," they blurted out.
Then they groaned, dropping their forehead on their knees, which at some point in Christine's spiel had propped themselves up under their arms. "That sounds like a lie and like I'm playing into that hero role too-"
"How?" she said, baffled. "This- it's a Jeremy project. I never asked you for anything. I don't want even anything from you at this point except to talk!"
Jeremy swallowed again, throat tight and lips dry.
They needed to do it right this time.
So they talked.
A/N:
I love sharing behind-the-scenes thoughts, for example jeremy-queere tumblr /post/747199626494492672 - please hop into my ask box if you like!