Notes:

Trigger warning for a panic attack

Chapter 4: What goes up must come down

Izaya tried to predict what Shizuo would do now.

Given that Kawasaki had probably just told Shizuo where Izaya was, Shizuo would either be heading to the furniture store on the second floor, or he'd be heading for the exits on the first floor if he got so fed up that he was trying to leave. But there would be no good reason for Shizuo to go back up to the third floor that Izaya knew of, so he deemed that to be the safest place to hang out for now. Having come up with a plan, Izaya went off in search of the elevator.

He didn't get turned around while searching for it this time, and he pressed the button to go up. Like before, the elevator made a loud ding when it arrived, and Izaya hurried inside, pressing the button to close the doors before selecting to go to the third floor. It took him up as requested, and Izaya stepped out of the elevator, then leaned on a nearby wall for support.

So what now? He should probably hide out somewhere again, but he was also starting to get thirsty from all this running around. He remembered passing by a store earlier that still seemed to be stocked with food, so it probably had drinks as well. And if this so-called 'game' was going to continue for much longer, this may be his last chance to get something to drink for a while.

Izaya pushed himself off the wall, stumbling a little, but managed to remain upright as he made his way towards where he remembered the store to be.

As he walked, he got the feeling that he was forgetting something important. Izaya slowed his steps as he tried to remember what it was, but his mind was drawing a blank. Well, if he couldn't remember, maybe it wasn't that important after all. He put the thought to the back of his mind.

He wasn't expecting to run into any problems, but when Izaya turned the corner, he saw something in the middle of the hallway that looked like it could have been a person crouching—

Izaya immediately pulled back behind the wall and out of sight again. He considered making a run for it, but settled for ducking into a nearby empty store instead. There was a blind spot up against the store entrance, much like the store that he initially woke up in.

He pressed himself up against the wall and waited, but heard nothing. Even after a couple of minutes passed, there was no indication that whoever was in the hallway had spotted him.

Izaya hesitantly moved to peek outside the store, but there was nobody there. He swallowed, then slowly inched his way back to where he saw the figure, careful not to make any noise. He looked around the corner and—

Izaya barked out a laugh.

It was his wheelchair.

How he had mistaken that for Shizuo, he had no clue. The wheelchair was still toppled over from before. Izaya had completely forgotten the thing even existed.

A few giggles escaped him at the sheer absurdity of the situation. His laughter slowly escalated in volume and Izaya clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle it, knowing he had to be quiet. But noises kept escaping him despite his best attempts to control it.

His laughter slowly morphed into wheezing gasps. And then a sharp pain stabbed him in the chest, his heart suddenly feeling like it was being squeezed in a vice.

A sense of impending doom overwhelmed him, and he began to wonder if he was dying.

Despite his fear and his inability to breathe, Izaya still had the presence of mind to get out of the hallway where Shizuo might see him and moved back to hide out in the empty store he had just been hiding in. Izaya pressed his back to the wall as he panted, his hand clutching uselessly at the front of his shirt as he struggled to take in air. A wave of dizziness washed over him, and he willed himself to stay conscious.

This was how it often started. No clear trigger, no immediate threat. He would just briefly have an unpleasant thought, start laughing about it, and before he knew it, he wouldn't be able to breathe.

His heart continued to pound painfully loud in his ears, and he had to remind himself that this wasn't the first time this happened, and he'd survived all the other times just fine.

You're not having a heart attack, he told himself. You just think you are. It'll pass.

Predictably, another voice in his brain argued back, And what if it actually IS a heart attack this time?

It never is, he retorted.

His brain continued to argue with him, just like it always did whenever this happened. He had already gotten his heart checked out multiple times. And every time, they tell him he's fine.

But even so, Izaya didn't like to let these episodes go on any longer than they had to. They were deeply unpleasant, and he also wasn't in the safest environment right now. It was hard to focus on his surroundings while he was in this state, so he still had to calm himself down.

Izaya aggressively started rubbing down his legs, then did the same thing with his arms. They're not broken. We're not fighting. He's not after me. They're not broken. We're not fighting. He's not after me. He mentally recited those phrases to himself, repeating them over and over like a mantra.

That method was usually pretty effective, even — or especially — when the attack was related to his fight with Shizuo. Not so much when the words weren't actually true, because Shizuo was after him, and he was going for the kill.

His breathing turned more heavy and frantic. Something else. Think about something else. Anything else.

He tried to focus more on his immediate surroundings.

It was another mostly empty room, but he spotted a table in the middle of the room that looked oddly familiar. Oh, maybe this was the same room as the one he woke up in.

He looked for other things he could focus on. There was some water damage on one of the walls that formed an interesting pattern, so he honed in on that. It kind of looked like a bunny.

In another corner of the room, he spotted a piece of scrap paper that had taken on a yellowish color and seemed to be covered in mold. Okay, this was not helpful so far.

He grabbed a random part of his coat and started rubbing the fur trim between his fingers. The texture was slightly different from his cape or his old coat, and while it was similar enough to calm him somewhat, it wasn't quite enough.

Izaya decided to try feeling the texture of his knife instead. He slipped his hand into his pocket and rubbed his fingers along the cool, bumpy texture of his knife, before finally pulling the knife out and flicking it open, feeling slightly comforted by the action. He held the knife out in front of him as if trying to fend off an unseen threat. He observed the shiny metal of the blade, noting how sharp and lethal it looked.

But it's not exactly lethal to Shizu—

He interrupted his own thoughts before they could spiral further, and Izaya shut his eyes. He was in the middle of the city. The sun was shining. The sun's rays seeped in through his coat and warmed him. There were people walking past him, talking about various interesting things. There were kids playing in the park.

But it was cold. Too cold for what he was envisioning, and all he could think about was the cold, the damp, the mold, the darkness, the fact that no matter what he told himself, he wasn't actually safe because Shizuo was here in the mall with him and he was going to kill him—

He felt his panic rising again, and in a last ditch effort to head it off, he fell back on an old standby: pain.

Izaya stuffed the collar of his shirt into his mouth and then lifted his leg as high as he could make it go until the searing pain overrode all other thoughts. A strangled scream escaped him, audible enough that anyone nearby would probably hear him, but muffled enough by the fabric that if Shizuo were truly on another floor like Izaya thought he was, it probably went unnoticed.

A sense of dizziness overwhelmed him, and Izaya staggered, his mouth falling open to let the shirt fall back to its rightful place. He leaned back against the wall, and exhaustedly slid down to the floor.

"Ugh..." he groaned. "W-what...?"

He couldn't remember what he was just doing. Or even where he was.

His body was trembling violently. It felt like he'd taken a beating. He was exhausted, as if he'd been running for miles, and he was clutching a knife in his left hand, but why? He got the feeling that he was actively in danger, so piecing together what happened was now his top priority.

Izaya had to reach back into his memories, grasping for anything that might fit his current situation. Even events from only seconds ago felt years old, warping his perception of what happened, but one particular memory stood out above the rest. It was the one that made the most sense to him, but it was also one that meant his fate was already a foregone conclusion.

Shizuo had thrown him into a building. He had swung a steel beam at him like a baseball bat, and knocked Izaya clear into the nearby building. Izaya had survived the impact, but...

He's going to come here to finish the job.

And Shizuo was already in the building.

With a renewed sense of urgency, Izaya knew he had to get out. He had to get to the first floor so he could escape the building before Shizuo found him.

Izaya got back onto his feet and stumbled out of the room. He looked around, and in the distance, he saw an elevator, so he ran towards it.

He repeatedly pressed the button to call the elevator until the doors finally opened. He then dashed inside and pressed the button for the first floor. The doors closed, and Izaya tried to catch his breath and will his heartbeat to slow down. At least this should make it harder for Shizuo to—

Er, wait.

Izaya paused, and looked around.

This isn't the right elevator.

But if this was his first time taking the elevator down, then why was he expecting the elevator to look any different? Why could he so clearly envision what it was supposed to look like? He'd never been in this building before, right? And yet, this elevator also looked familiar, like he'd taken it several times before...

And then Izaya remembered that this wasn't the same building, that he already had been on the first floor, and he just made a grave mistake.

"Oh, crap," Izaya blurted out. "No no no, cancel. Cancel!"

But the elevator was already taking him down to the first floor. He had already tried going there. The exits were blocked, and Shizuo could be on that floor.

He tried to unselect the option to go to the first floor by tapping the button for the first floor again in rapid succession using various patterns, but it wasn't letting him. Damn it. A lot of newer models of Japanese elevators tended to allow for it.

Maybe he needed to have another floor selected first. Izaya then started alternating between pressing the button for the third floor and the first floor, hoping that maybe having another floor selected would allow him to cancel the first option he selected, but it still continued to ignore him.

"Fucking—"

He was approaching the first floor. Giving up on canceling his prior action, Izaya instead started spamming the Close button, hoping it wouldn't open at all.

He felt the elevator come to a stop.

"Nononono, don't open, don't open, don't op—"

Despite him repeatedly pressing the button for the doors to remain closed, the elevator dinged and opened the doors. Izaya pressed himself to the side of the elevator nearest the buttons to stay out of sight.

Hands shaking, he quietly pressed the Close button again, and the doors finally cooperated by closing. Izaya pressed the button for the third floor again, and the elevator started to bring him back up.

Izaya relaxed slightly once the elevator had started moving, but he still seriously fucked up. Just because Shizuo didn't rush the doors didn't mean he didn't hear him, or wouldn't hear him once the elevator made that stupid little dinging sound as soon as he'd arrive on the third floor. Shizuo could be charging up the stairs to head him off at this very moment.

Even when the doors opened and the elevator announced its presence with another ding, Izaya didn't step out of the elevator, once again hiding by the panel of buttons.

Izaya still had the knife in his hand, and he moved to grip it with both hands, holding it close to his chest and preparing to stab it in front of him if Shizuo dared to step inside to grab him.

The doors slowly closed on their own, leaving Izaya inside.

He didn't hear anything after that. Izaya had no idea if Shizuo noticed him playing around with the elevators, if he was waiting just outside to pounce on him, or if Shizuo truly didn't notice.

Izaya was tempted to remain in here where it felt safe, but at the same time, he knew that if Shizuo ever decided to call the elevator down to himself, Izaya would be dragged along with it and plopped down in front of him like a gift.

Izaya pressed the button to open the doors again, and the elevator thankfully didn't feel the need to make another noise about it, and when Izaya peeked outside, the coast seemed to be clear. Still holding his knife at the ready, he got out and backtracked his way back to his wheelchair. He approached it, putting his knife away so he'd have two hands to lift it.

Ignoring the pain in his legs when he bent over, he reached down to pick the wheelchair back up into a position where he could actually use it. With the wheelchair now in its proper position, Izaya sat down in it, sighing contentedly at finally being able to take the weight off his legs.

Fuck, this whole thing was so goddamn stupid.

It felt like half of his issues were due to his own overreactions rather than Shizuo himself; freezing up when he was supposed to run, abandoning his wheelchair, passing out after slipping on a toilet, taking a joyride in the elevator... How the hell was he still alive, again?

To think all of that was triggered just by briefly misidentifying a wheelchair in the hallway.

Izaya's eyes narrowed as he glared at nothing in particular. Panic attacks were not new to him. Hell, they didn't even start when Shizuo had nearly killed him three years ago.

He could remember a time when he had brought Celty's head near the vicinity of her body to see if there'd be a reaction. Celty never commented on it nor confronted him, and nothing ever happened to the head itself, but he later wondered what Shinra would do if he found out about what he did. There was a good possibility that the action would have awoken Celty's memories and prompt her to leave Ikebukuro, and by extension, Shinra himself.

He imagined the rage Shinra would feel towards him as a result, how he'd feel so betrayed that he'd never talk to Izaya again.

Back in that alleyway, Izaya had started laughing at the thought, initially thinking he found the image amusing, because that's what laughter meant, right? That you were having fun?

And then he started having trouble breathing, choking on a lack of oxygen despite having all the air in the world, his thoughts growing steadily darker with various unpleasant realizations, and it was only after he'd rammed his fist into a telephone pole that he was finally able to breathe again, his focus turning to the pain in his hand rather than the thoughts swirling in his mind.

Part of the reason Izaya never got treatment for his physical condition was because he'd use the pain from his legs to ground himself during panic attacks. He would claim that he was punishing himself, but really, he just found a way to twist things to his advantage in certain circumstances. This decision may wind up costing him his life, especially in his current situation, but it is what it is.

Izaya sighed. He was already exhausted before, and it was even worse now. He supposed he should go back to what he was doing before: getting something to drink.

Feeling like he was pushing his wheelchair through mud, Izaya grabbed the wheels and kept pushing them along until he made it to his destination. He saw the store he was looking for, and made his way inside.

There were plenty of food and drink options, which could be useful if he was stuck here for a while. He went over to the drink section and contemplated what he should get.

The energy drinks might help keep his energy up, but there were potential side effects as well. He wasn't sure if it would help him outrun Shizuo if he encountered him again, or if the extreme stress of his situation would tip him over the edge and give him a heart attack instead. Not to mention that all of the options were all in metal cans that would be too loud to open, so those were out.

Izaya paused over the electrolyte drinks. Water was his preferred choice, but he had also been sweating a lot, so his electrolytes were probably thrown off. He'd normally never touch electrolyte drinks, but he didn't have the appetite for any solid food, so this might be the best option for keeping his energy up for now.

Since he didn't think he'd like the taste, he decided to grab both an electrolyte drink and some water, intending to rinse his mouth with the water afterwards. He carefully opened the electrolyte drink, but despite his thirst, he hesitated to drink it. With the way his stomach was twisting itself into knots, he worried that anything he drank would just come right back up.

Maybe he wouldn't need much anyway. He could just take a few sips, then focus on the water instead afterwards.

Feeling like he was taking medicine, Izaya swallowed a mouthful of the overly sweet concoction, then immediately followed it up with a few sips of water.

Drinking had also reminded him that he hadn't used the bathroom since waking up. He had technically been in a bathroom, but he was a bit too preoccupied with not dying to actually use it. It still wasn't urgent in the slightest, but it was going to become an issue sooner or later if he was going to be drinking more to rehydrate.

Izaya mulled that over for a bit. He was liable to get himself trapped in the bathrooms if Shizuo showed up like he did the last time. He couldn't risk it.

Izaya frowned. He also couldn't let himself become dehydrated, since that would make him slow and lethargic.

His eyes drifted back to the bottle he was drinking from, and then he grimaced when a thought occurred to him.

He had the bottle itself. Or at least he would once he was done drinking out of it. He was probably better off using that than risking his life attempting to sneak in and out of the bathrooms without being noticed.

Izaya's face contorted into a scowl. He couldn't even safely use the bathroom while that damned monster was wandering around looking for him.

Stop calling him a monster.

Izaya groaned. He was trying to get out of the habit of that. Yes, Shizuo had super strength and anger issues, but it was Izaya's refusal to see the human sides of him that put him in this position. Since Shizuo could connect with people, he made friends that would step in to stop him from committing any truly heinous acts, like murder.

Vorona didn't even like Izaya, so it wasn't like she was trying to save his life. She just stepped in to kill him on Shizuo's behalf so Shizuo wouldn't become a monster like Izaya always claimed he was.

In general, dehumanizing Shizuo was a bad idea. Much of Shizuo's ire towards him was due to being treated as less than human.

"He is a human," Izaya whispered. "Just a very scary, very unlikable one."

As Izaya generally tried to follow a 'love all humans' philosophy, he had difficulty internalizing the fact that this would logically apply to Shizuo as well, at least if he was assigning him the human label.

Izaya sighed, taking another sip of water before he declared himself done, then he slipped the drinks into a hidden compartment located under the seat of his wheelchair so he could access them later.

Izaya went to the front counter and checked his pockets. Surprisingly, he still had his wallet, so he pulled it out and took out a couple of small bills and left them on the counter near the register as payment for his drinks. The place had long been abandoned, but hey, he wasn't a thief.

He put his wallet away, thinking about what he should do next, when he spotted a landline phone behind the cash register.

His heart skipped a beat, a surge of hope running through him. Izaya might be able to call someone for help.

That phone could be the difference between life and death. If it was working, he had a good chance of getting out of here. But if it wasn't...

He didn't move to pick up the phone right away. He was afraid to get his hopes up, just for them to be crushed if the phone wasn't working. But the possibility that this could have been an oversight on Kawasaki's part left Izaya getting a little excited despite himself. And he knew he couldn't just ignore what might be his only chance of calling someone for help, even if he was dreading the answer.

He grabbed the wheels of his wheelchair and approached the phone cautiously, as if it might try to escape if he moved too fast. Fingers trembling a little, Izaya reached out and picked up the phone, then slowly raised it to his ear...

But in the end, there was nothing but silence. No dial tone. It was dead.

Izaya's expression didn't change. He continued staring towards the wall, phone still held to his ear as if simply waiting would make it start working again. And then he put the phone back on its hook.

Izaya rested his hand on the counter, smiling to himself as he lightly tapped his fingertips against the countertop. "Well, that was a waste of time."

His vision blurred, his eyes feeling a little damp for some reason. He already knew not to get his hopes up, so why the hell did he? This outcome wasn't unexpected.

"Need to get some kinda service worker in here to fix that," he drawled. "All kinds of safety violations being violated."

And then he paused, pulling out the electrolyte drink again and looking at the ingredients.

"Is there alcohol in this...?"

Nope. Just salt, sugar, and a bunch of chemicals he couldn't pronounce. He put the bottle away again and glanced around shifty-eyed.

"I'm not drunk. You're drunk," he muttered.

It was probably just sleep deprivation making him act loopy. He sometimes got that way if he stayed up too late working on something.

He muttered a few more things under his breath before pushing himself away from the counter. He rolled back to the store entrance, then paused.

It wasn't clear if Shizuo had left the building yet. If Shizuo truly didn't have his phone anymore, Kawasaki would probably have to use the PA system to communicate with him, and would likely speak up to try to stop him if he saw Shizuo trying to leave. The fact that he hadn't done so meant Shizuo was probably still here, but now just wandering around at random. It wasn't exactly a comforting thought.

Izaya didn't feel safe exploring the mall for a way out as long as running into Shizuo was a possibility, and the easiest way out would only occur after Shizuo moved those vending machines by the exit anyway. His best shot was to hide out and wait for Shizuo to leave first.

The current store Izaya was in wasn't exactly big enough to serve as a good hiding place, and more worryingly, many of these stores only had one way in or out. Before, Izaya had considered that to be an advantage so Shizuo couldn't sneak up on him, but it also allowed Shizuo to trap him. Once Shizuo had the specific store pinned down, he could intentionally block the way out if he had something on hand to do so. After that, Izaya's only chance would be to try to reason with him, but he doubted that Shizuo would even hear him out long enough for him to explain.

The clothing store he was in before wasn't half bad, but it also had the 'only one exit' problem. Even so, he couldn't think of any other options. And Shizuo didn't block off the exits the last time he hid in there, so maybe it would be fine.

He decided to head back to the clothing store.

• • • • •

Shizuo growled in annoyance.

He'd been wandering around for what felt like an hour now. Apparently Izaya was serious about not giving him any more hints.

Fucking bastard.

He walked by the exits to the mall and then paused. He only just noticed that they were physically blocked off with a row of vending machines.

Were they a reminder not to leave? Or did Izaya think he was physically stopping Shizuo from leaving by putting them there?

Shizuo scoffed. Seriously? Izaya knew full well that Shizuo could easily move those things out of the way if he wanted to. He was tempted to do so just out of spite.

Actually, what would happen if he touched one of those things? Was that the trigger for Izaya to unleash whatever hell he had planned for Kasuka and the others? If that was the case, maybe he couldn't move them.

"Tch. Asshole," he muttered, before walking away and continuing his search for Izaya.

Notes:

Hey, it's been a little while. Hope you're all doing okay and taking care of yourselves. If you find that you've been getting particularly stressed by the media lately, I personally recommend taking a break from reading the news or doomscrolling on social media for a bit, if either of those things apply to you. I've started doing this myself several years ago and noticed a drastic improvement in my own mental health, so it's now how I live on a regular basis. Just something to consider. Feel free to research it and see if it might work for you.

Anyway, it took longer than I thought to get this chapter out there, but I did it eventually! I was admittedly getting concerned about my writing speed slowing down, since the chapter was coming along much slower than I was expecting it to. As it turns out, I'm just horrible at estimating word count, and the chapter had ballooned up to be even longer than all of the previous chapters combined. Long story short, I'll be splitting it into smaller, more manageable chapters, so the estimated chapter count has now gone up to around 8 or 9-ish. We'll see if it increases further. :3