feat. Wolf facing the music

Content Warning: What happened last chapter will be discussed, so implications of self-harm

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

~ Tears for Fears, "Mad World"

Ghost is thankful he had the foresight to mute his comms otherwise Crow and Eido would have heard him every expletive in his expansive vocabulary as Wolf quite literally got himself blown to pieces.

He did his job. He brought his Guardian back to life and healed him. He even managed to hold his metaphorical tongue until he and Wolf were safely aboard the jumpship.

But he is upset. No, he's furious. And he can't hold it in any longer.

Wolf, who had gone silent with the comms channel, immediately goes for his headphones.

Oh hell no.

Ghost immediately darts between Wolf and the backpack. "What the hell was that?" he shouts.

Wolf draws his hand back a bit and raises an eyebrow.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Ghost reiterates loudly. "You could have used a dart or a shuriken or, hell, you could have shot those Screebs! So why did you decide to use yourself as a projectile?"

Wolf has the audacity to look irritated. "Does it matter? It worked, didn't it? And we're both still here! I was trying to save you and the research, Ghost!"

" I was never in any danger! Even if I was, there's this little thing called phasing!" Ghost can't help but let the sarcasm drip in his voice. "And the Screeb wouldn't have damaged the research as long as you detonated them right where they were!"

"I did!"

"By blowing yourself up? That's really smart!"

Wolf's voice begins to raise. "I knew I'd be fine, Ghost! Why is this upsetting you so much anyway? It's not like I've never gotten killed before!"

"That's not the point!"

"Then what is?"

"I don't like watching you die, Wolf!"

Wolf stares at Ghost, eyes wide and mouth agape.

Ghost takes a moment to gather himself, then continues.

"I don't like watching you die, Wolf. Especially like the way you did, throwing yourself into danger when there wasn't a need! You've been doing that a lot lately and I know I can bring you back but what if something happens and I can't? What if you die for good? I can't do that, Wolf! I just can't!" Ghost's voice breaks and the fight leaves him. Wolf deflates and goes silent. For a moment, Ghost swears he sees tears in the Hunter's eyes. Then, Wolf slowly holds out his hand and Ghost moves to hover over it.

"I'm sorry," Wolf says quietly. "I ... I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," Ghost sighs. "I just… I worry about you, you know?"

"You shouldn't have to."

"I'd be a terrible Ghost if I didn't."

"Still..." Wolf's voice trails off and he shakes his head. "You know I appreciate you, right?"

"Of course. I never thought otherwise." Ghost gives Wolf a quick scan before backing off a bit. "You are ... completely covered in blood and screeb juice. I bet you stink." Wolf chuckles and Ghost can't help but smile himself. Wolf looks at his armor and gear and shakes his head.

"Yeah, I should probably get cleaned up before we get back to Earth."

"And after that, you're taking a nap. You have bags under your eyes."

"Yeah, yeah, I will." Wolf waves him away good naturedly

Ghost laughs. "What would you do without me?"

Wolf stops, briefly frozen, and Ghost immediately kicks himself. Then, the Hunter turns his head towards his companion, a tight smile on his face. "No idea, buddy. No idea."

So far, damage control was going relatively smoothly. Wolf was able to get Ghost off of his case without much of a fuss, which was arguably the hardest part. Now, he just had to convince the Vanguard that he was perfectly fine, that he just had a moment of stupidity. He wasn't thinking. He had a moment. It won't happen again. He doesn't need a break or a shrink or anything like that. He's perfectly fine. He's just an idiot, is all. Just an idiot.

Thankfully, Wolf had time to take a quick shower before reporting to Crow. There was only so much a few emergency wipes and a change of clothes could do to clean him up. He spent way more time on his appearance than he had as of late. It's vital that he looks as put together as possible. He can't look weak. Not now, not never. (What is he even worried about anyway? Why is he so afraid if he has nothing to hide?)

Ghost hovers near his shoulder, not saying a word but keeping an almost protective eye on him

What would I do without you? Wolf thinks bitterly. He remembers the pain in his core, like someone had hollowed him out, like a part of him had died with Ghost in the Pale Heart. That pain had yet to truly fade, a constant reminder of how he couldn't save Ghost, of how he had failed yet again. Cayde gave both of them a second chance with his sacrifice. Wolf knows he can't live with himself if he wasted it.

That's why he did what he did. Because he is supposed to protect Ghost with his life. He just ... took it a little too literally that time.

Something tells Wolf that that explanation wouldn't go the way he originally thought it would... What's the big deal anyway? He did what he had to do and it was the right thing to do. The only thing he did wrong was upset everyone.

Maybe he's overthinking it. Maybe it won't even come up. He'll just go in, make his report, and get the hell out. That's it. Get in, report, get out.

No questions asked.

Wolf takes a deep breath, puts on his headphones and his hood, exits his apartment. He keeps his head down, loses himself in the music, and allows himself to disappear.

It's nice.

Wolf finds Crow at the hangar. He explains the situation, explains what he found, and has Ghost send the report to Glint.

He tries to leave.

"Hey, Wolf? Hold on a sec," Crow calls after him.

Wolf stops.

He turns around to face Crow. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

Damn.

"I'm fine," he replies. "Why do you ask?"

Crow raises an eyebrow, as if the answer is obvious.

Wolf sighs. "I know, I know, it was stupid. I wasn't thinking. Blood loss, you know? Messes with the brain."

Crow narrows his eyes. "Right..."

"Wolf, you know you can talk to me, right? About how you're feeling? You've been through a lot this past year."

Crow, can't you just worry about yourself for once?

"I know, and I appreciate it."

"I just ... You've been there through it all. You've been a big help and an even bigger support. Just don't forget to take care of yourself too."

Wolf feels Ghost's gaze burning into him like a beam of solar light. "Don't worry about me," he says. "I'll be fine."

"Wolf..." Crow's voice gains an edge.

"Crow," Light, Wolf hates how desperate his voice sounds. "I can handle this. Finding a cure for Misraaks, finding Fikrul, and protecting the City? Trust me, it's nothing I can't handle."

Crow stares at Wolf for a long moment. His nostrils flare slightly, and Wolf can see the gears turning in the Hunter Vanguard's head.

He doesn't believe me. He's going to think I'm weak. He's going to take me off missions.

"Wolf..." Crow sighs and shakes his head. "I do trust you, but you're not alone. You don't have to handle all of this alone."

"I know," Wolf replies, relieved.

"Okay. As long as we're on the same page. Just ... don't do it again, yeah?"

"Of course not. Ghost would transmat me off of a cliff."

"He's right," Ghost adds, voice cheerful yet strained. "I would."

Crow smirks at this. "Fair enough. Now get out of here. You look like you could use a nap."

Wolf laughs despite himself. "Hunter insomnia, am I right?"

Crow's smile fades slightly, but he nods. "Right."

Wolf gets out of there as quickly as he can (without making Crow worry again, of course), his heart beating in his chest. He throws his headphones on as quickly as he can and makes a beeline for his quarters.

Maybe a nap isn't such a bad idea... He can't keep relying on death for a dreamless rest after all.

I just finished Part 3 of Act 1 of Heresy and yep, that is one hundred percent coming up here. This chapter was meant to establish the fact that Wolf's behavior and actions have not gone unnoticed. Crow probably should have done a bit more here, but he's still inexperienced as a leader and he trusts Wolf to do what's best for his mental health. Next chapter will essentially wrap up Revenants and then we'll move onto Heresy because that requires some serious unpacking.