A/N: This kind of goes along with the plot for next week's Season Premiere of PD when Voight is suspended and then they attend Olinsky's funeral. I don't own any of the characters.

You Matter to Me

Hank couldn't believe that Deputy Superintendent Brennan had suspended him. He could but he didn't want to. That meant Antonio was in charge. While he knew Antonio would do a great job, he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder ever since returning to Intelligence after spending time working in the State's Attorney's office for Peter Stone. He just wanted time for himself. Maybe he would use this time to go visit his grandson but the Arizona weather really wasn't for him though. Maybe he'd stay in his house like a hermit and not go anywhere until he was reinstated. His face hurt from the fight he had gotten into but no one really cared, so why should he? He rarely heard from Olive anymore and ever since Erin moved to New York, he hadn't heard from her. He really had no reason to go to New York. He thought he and Olivia Benson were friends but he hadn't heard from her since the last time they had worked together 2½ years ago. She could never even be bothered to call him after he had lost Justin. He knew she knew because she and Erin talked all the time. He knew everyone hated him and blamed him for Olinsky's death. It was his fault his best friend was dead. If he had dealt with the Woods situation on his own, Al might still be alive.

Hank went into the kitchen and went to see what was in the refrigerator. All he had was leftover pizza. He got that out and got a bottle of whiskey. He opened the bottle and took a drink. He went into the living room and set the box on his coffee table. He took another drink of whiskey and ate some pizza. Someone rang the doorbell. He had hoped that whoever it was would quit and leave. Whoever it was started pounding on the door.

"HANK, OPEN UP!"

It was Trudy but he still chose to ignore it.

"HANK, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE."

Hank took his bottle of whiskey and went to open the door.

"What the hell do you want?"

"It's nice to see you too, Hank. How are you?"

"How am I? How the hell do you think I am? That bitch Brennan suspended me. You know what? I don't give a shit anymore. They all hate me and blame me for Olinsky's death."

"I don't."

"Good for you."

"Ruzek doesn't."

"Good for him. Everyone else does."

"Ruzek actually hates that Dawson is in charge."

"Meredith hates me."

"She's still trying to cope with losing Lexi and now she has to deal with losing Al."

"I'm not even going to the funeral."

"Hank, what the hell is that all about? Al was your best friend."

"That's the thing, Trudy. He was my best friend and I let him down. I let him get killed because he took the blame for something I did. It should have been me. What do I have to live for anyway? Camille is gone, Justin is gone, Olive took my grandson away from me and I haven't heard from Erin since she went to New York. What else is there?"

"Al did what he did to protect you because that's the type of person he was. You still have me, Hank. I'm not going anywhere. You were there for me when my dad was murdered. I'm not going to let you go through this alone."

"I appreciate that. Thanks."

"I should go."

"Ok. Keep me updated on what's going on."

"I will. I'll tell Ruzek too. He misses Al."

"I do too."

"So does Burgess. She and Ruzek have been spending quite a bit of time together lately."

"The one that we really need to watch is Halstead. He blames me for Erin leaving. Maybe that was my idea but I did what I thought was best for her. There's no doubt in my mind that he blames me for this too."

"Since when do you care what anyone thinks?"

"I have no idea."

Trudy hugged Hank and then she left. During the next few days, Trudy kept Hank posted on what was going on with Intelligence. Ruzek stopped over to voice his opinion on everything. Hank realized that Adam was on his side. A couple of days before the funeral, Hank wanted to go but he didn't think he should. Meredith had come over and they had had a long talk. He said he wanted to be there but he wasn't sure he should. Meredith told him that Al would want him there and she wanted him there as well. She asked if he and the rest of the squad would sit with her and she wanted him to speak. She said she understood why Al had done what he did because he was his best friend and would have done anything for him. Hank told her that if she ever needed to talk, he was there. He lost his wife and child, so he completely understood what she was going through. She thanked him and then left.

On the day of the funeral, Hank got up and got ready to go. He really hated wearing his uniform. He left for the church. He saw Trudy, Ruzek, Burgess and Atwater first.

"Hank, it's good to see you."

"Thanks."

"Good to see you, Sarge."

"Thanks."

"Hey, Boss."

"Hey."

"You sitting with us?"

"Yeah. Meredith said she wanted all of us sitting with her."

"Ok."

Then the rest of the squad joined them.

"Hey, Boss."

"Antonio. Meredith wants all of us sitting with her."

"That's fine."

They all went in and saw Meredith.

"I'm glad you're here, Hank."

"I'm glad I am too."

Hank looked and saw Erin, the group from SVU and Peter Stone.

"Who the hell invited SVU?"

"I may have."

"Thanks a lot, Trudy."

Erin came over and hugged Hank.

"I have missed you so much."

"I've missed you too, kid."

Erin hugged everyone else and then Peter and the group from SVU came over. Hank acknowledged everyone but Olivia.

"Hank, we need to talk."

"I have nothing to say to you. You have no idea how hurt I am that you couldn't even be bothered to contact me after my son died. I thought we were friends but after you ignored my son's death, I'm not so sure."

"It's not all about you, Hank."

"I'm well aware of that, Benson. You're the one that makes it all about you. I don't even know why the hell you're even here in the first place."

"I was invited. We knew Al too, don't forget."

"All of a sudden you care? Where were you when I needed you two years ago when Justin died? I know you knew about it because Erin told me she called you. If we were friends, you would have been there because friends are there."

"Then where were you when Noah was kidnapped by his grandmother? I know Erin called you about that."

Hank glared at Olivia and then everyone took their seats. The squad walked in with Meredith behind the casket and Hank offered his arm to her. Meredith had Erin sit with them as well, so she sat on the other side of Hank, who was next to Meredith. The service was emotional for all of them. Hank grabbed Erin's hand several times during the service. When Hank got up to speak, the first person he locked eyes with was Olivia. She was so beautiful. He had been upset with her for not calling him when Justin died but right now, all he wanted to do was kiss her, something he had wanted to do ever since they had first met almost 4 years ago. He knew it was wrong. She told him she had been with someone else the last time they had worked together. That didn't sit well with him, especially when she told him he was with IAB or the Rat Squad as he liked to call it.

Hank knew speaking about his best friend was not going to be easy. He became emotional early on and had completely broken down by the time he was done. That was so unlike him and he hated that everyone had seen it. Until then, there were only a few people in that room that had seen him break down like that and one of them was Al when Camille and Justin had died. Erin and Trudy were the others. He saw the faces of his squad and Platt. Trudy, Burgess and Upton were in tears and even the guys were tearing up. He walked back to his seat and Meredith stood up and hugged him. Erin got up and pulled him into a hug before they sat down again.

Some of the others from the squad had gotten up to speak as well but the most surprising was when Olivia got up and spoke on behalf of SVU. She talked about working with Al a few times and all the times the two of them had talked but more specifically in the last year and a half after her last relationship ended and after he and Meredith lost Lexi. Hank couldn't believe it. Al had been talking to Olivia all this time and he never said anything. He had a feeling he had been a topic of conversation at some point, since Al was the only one that knew how he really felt about her except for maybe Erin.

After the service was over, everyone headed out. Members of the squad were pallbearers. Hank walked out with Meredith on his arm with everyone else, including the members of SVU behind them. As the members of the squad carried Al's casket down the steps toward the hearse, all the officers present saluted their fallen brother. They lifted Al's casket into the hearse and everyone processed to the cemetery. When they arrived at the cemetery, they did the graveside service and laid Al to rest next to Lexi. Hank and Erin both visited Camille and Justin's graves before they left. They then headed to the Police Memorial to pay tribute to Al there. That was just going to be Meredith, the squad and Erin but Meredith had also invited SVU. They headed there and had the ceremony before heading to Molly's. Hank really wasn't in the mood to socialize but he figured he'd go to have one drink in Al's memory before heading home. Hank sat by himself at the bar and drank his Manhattan. Erin had been catching up with the squad and went up to him.

"Hey."

"Hey, kid."

"You ok?"

"Actually, I've been better. All this is my fault. It should have been me."

"Hank, just stop it! Blaming yourself won't bring Al back."

"No one would miss me."

"I would. Daniel would."

"Then why haven't I heard from Olive? Daniel is my only connection to Justin and I don't really have a relationship with my grandson. I haven't heard much from you since you left."

"You know that's because I've been busy with work. I told them that I had to be off a few days for a funeral because Al meant a lot to me."

Hank glanced back and saw Olivia, her squad and Peter sitting at the same table the two of them had sat at after the first case they had worked on together.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"Why should I?"

"You can be such an idiot sometimes. You know that? How long have you had feelings for her?"

"I don't know."

"Try since you first met."

"I changed my mind."

"That is such bullshit, Hank! You know it as well as I do. She is the only woman you have had feelings for since you lost Camille."

"So?"

"You're an ass!"

"She seems to be pretty chummy with Peter Stone."

"Yeah, because they work together."

"Since when?"

"It's been a few months."

"Why would she want someone like me anyway? I'm no good. I live in Chicago and she's in New York. What happened to Captain Wonderful from IAB?"

"They broke up a little over a year and a half ago. He wanted to retire and he wanted her to think about it too. She needed to focus on Noah, so they ended things. She has actually wanted to reach out to you but she knows you're pissed at her."

"It doesn't work out with him, so then all of a sudden I'm good enough. She doesn't want to be with me."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Not in so many words but it's quite obvious that I'm not good enough for her."

"Then let her make that decision."

"I'm not really looking to be in a relationship with anyone anyway. I just want to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable."

"Camille didn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life Justin knew you had feelings for Olivia. He told me to make sure you didn't give up on that."

"Whatever."

Hank finished his drink and left to head home. Erin headed over to the table where Olivia was.

"I tried."

"I'll get him to talk to me."

"He thinks he's not good enough for you and you don't want to be with him. He also said he's not a good person."

"I never said I didn't want to be with him. The subject never came up in the first place. How was I supposed to know he was even interested?"

"He's never been one to just come out and admit his feelings. Everything that happened during the funeral today was so unlike him. Al, Trudy and I were the only ones to ever see him fall apart like that."

Trudy and Meredith joined them.

"Olivia, thank you so much for attending and for speaking."

"It was my pleasure."

"I felt like I already knew you from everything Alvin had told me about you."

"Same with me. If you ever need to talk, my phone is always on."

"Thank you. I appreciate that. After you and I had talked the other night, I had a dream about Alvin and he told me not to blame Hank for what happened. Hank didn't want him to do it but that was just type of person Alvin was. He would do anything for anyone and I know Hank was his best friend. Did Hank leave?"

"Yeah. He's feeling sorry for himself. He wishes it had been him instead of Al and said no one would miss him. He's been going down the wrong path since Justin's death. Olive hasn't really kept in touch with him since they moved to Arizona and Daniel is his only connection to Justin."

"He just needs someone in his life that will be there for him and make him feel like he matters. I've tried and I know Olinsky did too."

"He basically said he wants to spend the rest of his life alone and miserable."

"I think I need to talk to him."

Erin pulled her key to Hank's out of her pocket.

"Just in case."

"Thanks."

Olivia hugged Meredith and then she left to head to Hank's. When she arrived, she got out of the SUV and went to ring the doorbell. She really didn't expect Hank to answer the door but he did. She could tell he had been crying again.

"What the hell do you want?"

"I want to talk."

"What for?"

"Please."

"Fine."

Hank let Olivia in and then they went into the living room.

"You can hate me all you want. I know I should have been here for you when Justin died but I had a lot going on myself. My Sergeant had just been killed on his last day with SVU and I was blaming myself for what had happened. Being at Olinsky's funeral today sort of opened old wounds for me regarding Mike's death. His dad, who is my Boss, still blames me for what happened."

"But you had plenty of time to go to Paris."

"How'd you find out about that?"

"What does it matter now?"

"Tell me."

"Erin called and talked to Rollins. She asked to talk to you and Rollins told her that that Tucker guy took you and Noah to Paris."

"Jealous?"

"Go to hell!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"I outrank you."

"I don't care."

"Hank, I care about you. I don't like hearing things like you wish it or you want to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life."

Hank had his head turned, so Olivia couldn't see that he was crying.

"I know you're crying, Hank and I already saw it happen at the funeral. You can cut the act with me, ok?"

"Al's gone, Benson. My best friend is dead because of me."

"I know, ok? Come here."

Hank moved closer to Olivia and put his head on her chest, while she wrapped her arms around him as he cried.

"You matter to me, Hank. You always have. There have been so many times that I have wanted to contact you but I knew you were pissed at me. It's just that I didn't know you had feelings for me."

"Just so you know, I've had feelings for you since we first met."

Hank sat up and then they looked into each other's eyes. They both leaned in and started kissing. Hank then started to undo her blouse and kissed her neck.

"Hank."

"Huh?"

"I want you."

"I want you too."

They got up and headed up to the bedroom. He shut the bedroom door and they kissed again as they walked over to the bed. Hank finished unbuttoning her blouse and kissed her chest and stomach. Hank undid his shirt and removed his undershirt. Olivia started kissing his chest and stomach before they both finished undressing each other.

"Sergeant, make love to me."

"Anything you say, Lieutenant."

They started kissing again and then they made love for the first time. Afterwards they were under the covers, Hank had his arms wrapped around her and she had her head on his chest.

"That was so amazing!"

"You are so damn beautiful."

"You're pretty damn sexy yourself. I think we both needed this."

"Yeah, we did. I know this just happened but where do we want to go from here?"

"We do need to talk about that. We don't need to rush into anything and we can take things slowly. I know this wasn't necessarily taking things slowly but we don't need to decide right now. Personally, I'd like to see where this goes."

"I would too. Thanks for being here."

"Anytime, Hank. I'm sorry things happened the way they did and I wasn't here when you needed me a couple years ago."

"And I'm sorry I wasn't there when Noah got kidnapped."

"My squad, Barba and Erin all were."

"Good."

Hank and Olivia kissed and then he went to find something to fix for dinner, while Olivia went back to her hotel to change and get her stuff. She told everyone where she would be and that she and Hank were working on things. They really didn't need to know what had already happened between them. Olivia ended up staying with Hank the rest of the time they were there and since Hank was still suspended, he told Olivia that he would come visit them.

Reviews and suggestions are appreciated.