Notes
So this chapter has become a little darker than I had planned and has a fair bit of Angst. Merlin is really struggling emotionally with Arthurs death and the guilt / grief, so his thoughts are a bit darker.
hurt Merlin, slight reference to a suicidal thought but only very loosely, Merlin has a breakdown
this chapter has quite a bit of hurt in it, but i promise this flic has hurt and comfort with a happy ending, everything works out ok by the end of the story. This chapter has a hopeful ending.
please be careful and do not read if you feel it will trigger you. This chapter isn't extremely important for the whole storyline so if you are concerned please feel free to skip it.
Chapter three: I'm here, just look and you'll see me
Arthurs heart stopped. The love of his life was sitting there in front of him, grieving a friend who hardly knew him. Merlin knew Arthur better than anyone, had been there for him through everything, and yet has always had to go through so much on his own. And now Arthur knew, he knew so much and yet all he could do was watch from afar ... powerless to do anything to comfort him.
Although he knew that (unless he could figure out how to interact with things around him -as his father had managed to) there was nothing he could do to help his friend. He decided the least he could do was watch over him and make sure Merlin never truly had to face anything alone again, even if he wouldn't know it.
So Arthur sat beside his friend and watched as Merlin eventually cried himself to sleep. And when Merlin woke up, Arthur would still be there, trying desperately to find away to communicate with him.
Merlin
When Merlin awoke he felt absolutely awful. Physically he felt as though he'd been trampled over by many stampeding horses, most of which hit his head and somehow drained his body completely of water. Emotionally, there wasn't words to describe how broken and empty he felt.
Honestly Merlin didn't want to go back, to have to face the kingdom and tell them he failed... tell Gwen he failed. He so desperately had hoped that this was some sort of nightmare he would wake up from, that he would wake up and Arthur would be there to make fun of him, send him to do a bunch of chores or something. Anything. He just wanted his friend to be ok.
It was strange though, he knew Arthur was gone, that this time there was nothing he could do to bring him back. Yet it still felt as though his magic could sense him, as if he was sitting right beside him. Annoyingly this hurt him even more; to feel him and yet know he's not really there. He'll never be again.
Kilgharrah, however, was still with him, curled around him comfortingly and protectively. Merlin was extremely grateful to his old friend for being with him, even while his own health was not as strong as it once was. This thought sent a harsh shiver down his spine as dark thoughts clouded Merlins mind. "Everyone you love is dying, Everyone who truly knows you seems to have there days numbered, Everyone who cares about you or believes in you ... seems to go through immense pain and trauma "
Merlin truly wanted to stay here. To never move from this space again while his thoughts drowned him. Then eventually they would win and he too could join his king, his everything. But no matter how impossible continuing from this felt, he knew he had to. Arthur would want someone to take care of all the people he left behind, all the people he cared so deeply about; he would want Merlin to look after and protect them, just as Arthur always had. Especially Gwen. Arthur had loved Gwen. He would never forgive Merlin for abandoning her.
So that's what Merlin did. He mustered up all the strength he had left, thanked Kilgharrah and headed back to Camelot. On his way back Merlin used what little energy he had to create his mask, one that said "I'm sad, but I'm coping and I'm going to be okay" , he needed it to show just enough sadness that people knew he cared, but have it under control enough that others would feel like they could seek comfort from him and not feel as though he was breaking too.
Merlin did everything he could to push away his grief and instead take care of the people of Camelot, especially those who Arthur cared about most.
little did he know Arthur was watching over him, knowing exactly what Merlin was doing and wanting so badly for him to stop and let someone take care of him.
Arthur
It had been two weeks since the battle that lost Arthur his life.
Arthur had been trying harder than ever to move items, or be able to at least interact with something, just to show Merlin he's here. Two weeks and yet still not luck.
During this time Gwen had confronted Merlin about his magic, she had told him that she knew he'd been using it to protect Arthur, then reassured him that he was safe here and when she's gained the kingdom's true trust: she would appeal the magic ban so they could work together to make the kingdom a safe and fair place for all - just as Arthur had begun to do. At seeing this scene unfold, Arthur knew he had done the right thing for Camelot by making Gwen queen.
Two weeks had gone by and although the kingdom was still mourning the loss of its king, things were slowly starting to move forwards again. However there's something particularly sad about watching while your people, your friends and your family all mourn your death, completely un aware that you were right here beside them the whole time.
The hardest person for this though, was of course Merlin. Because it has been Two weeks and Merlin is doing everything he can to protect these people and to help the kingdom move forwards, to support his friends, the knights and Gwen. All the while suppressing his own grief, guilt and sorrow, only to let it out when he believed he was completely alone. However, even then he wasn't truly letting himself feel it. He was only allowing himself the chance to just about let out the over flowing emotions and feelings he couldn't quite contain so easily anymore, but never letting himself truly stop and feel. Having watched this play out only made Arthur more aware of how many times Merlin had thrown himself into work and chores every time Arthur suspected that something was wrong with the servant.
Tonight Merlin was having one of those moments. Those Moments where he's feelings became too much to handle, so he locked himself away somewhere with an excuse only good enough to give him 20 minutes of solitude. To his surprise, the place Merlin had locked himself in tonight was...Arthurs bedroom. Since Arthurs death Merlin has refused anyone to step foot inside this room -including Merlin himself. He knew this confused many people, however Arthur understood why. After-all he had felt the same way over his father's room after his passing.
Arthur watched helplessly as his dearest friend had one of the worst breakdowns he's ever seen him have. Even when Arthur first came through the portal to find Merlin crying, it was bad and painful to watch, yet it was no where nearly as heart wrenching as this one. The Man in front of him had crumbled to the floor like he had shattered into a million pieces, sobbing and shaking so violently that Arthur wasn't sure his body could physically take it much longer before he'd throw up or pass out.
Despite knowing that there was nothing he could do, Arthur crouched down next to the other boy, wanting so badly to hold him, but knowing it was no use. So instead he whispered apologies so softly that if Merlin could hear him, he may not have even recognised the voice as Arthurs.
"Merlin i ..." Arthurs apology was cut short by Merlins terrified flinch, head snapping up to look directly where Arthur was perched.
Notes
Author wrote this chapter very late at night / early in the morning so is fairly sleep deprived. Turns out I become slightly emotionally unstable the more tired I get and therefore the characters do too.This is not an Angst focused fic - I swear it's just an Angst chapter. After we get past the grief I plan for the story to become a more lighthearted and cute - although no promises.
I hope you enjoyed, please let me know what you think of the story so far.