Notes

Hi, this chapter is set as Merlin's perspective leading to the state in which Arthur had found him in. It ends at the same point in time the last chapter did, however provides more backstory which helps to set up the next one - I really hope this makes as much sense from a readers perspective as it does mine

warning = grieving Merlin, hurt Merlin, breakdown/ panic attack Merlin

Chapter 4, (before the breakdown)

Merlin

Despite his best efforts, loosing his best friend was too much for Merlin to bear. While everyone else slowly began to find their feet again, Merlin only sunk further. He missed his friend; both the banter and the softer- more serious moments too. The creation of Albion has really started to take place, the land he and Arthur had fought so hard to create, and yet without him here- everything just felt wrong. Felt broken.

Today was one of those days where Merlin really regretted his decision to leave the lake those two weeks ago. So many knights lost their lives that day, so many Merlin had been too late to save. So today he was helping Gwen and the knights prepare for tomorrow's tournament, designed to rebuild the knights of Camelot's numbers. Merlin's never been fond of tournaments - watching as knights swung at each other, trying to cause as much damage as possible with their blunt weapons. Not to mention the work load as both a servant and a physician was tripled throughout a tournament week. Despite this however, Arthur loved tournaments; he found them fun and interesting, especially when he would come across someone who gave him a challenging fight. Seeing how excited Arthur would become leading up to the tournaments and proud he would remain following them -always seemed to make that extra work feel worth it.

However the idea of having a tournament without Arthur- felt wrong on so many levels. No matter how hard Merlin was trying to keep himself together, every task he completed or plan that was arranged only ripped him further apart. His final breaking point was when sir Leon had asked Merlin to be his squire for the tournament, to ready him as he had always done for Arthur. Although Merlin knew this request was one aimed to honour Arthur, by having his most trusted Man-servant squire his best knight as they rebuilt his kingdoms army. But to Merlin it was a reminder that all those people that died ( all the people Merlin couldn't save) are never coming back. Arthurs never coming back. And nothing will ever be the same again. The thought of that, of serving someone else, of moving on - it was too much.

Everything was just too much.

The world around him seemed to fade out of focus, as his ears seemed to clog leaving nothing but a high pitched ringing behind. Merlin felt as though his chest was being crushed by an unknown force heavier than anything he's ever felt before, causing every breath to be shallow and forced.

Everything was too much- he couldn't take it anymore.

Whatever words Merlin had spoken, excuse he had given were not his own. Right now all he can do is hope it was a good enough one. Naturally he began to move, he had no clue yet where he was going, all he knew is he needed somewhere safe with a door he could lock.

As he seemed to arrive at whatever destination his body had taken him to, he locked the door with shaking fingers as what was left of the dam, broke.

As the thoughts and feelings flooded back into his mind, his shaking legs finally gave way, causing him to crumble ungracefully to the ground... Everything was too much - he really couldn't take it anymore.

"Merlin i ..." The sound of a familiar voice startled Merlin's tormented mind still.

Notes

ok so the next chapter will start with a little hurt/ comfort however then the story's going to move into a much more happy Merlin and Arthur.