HARRY POTTER LEAVES HOSPITAL
By Franklin Snodgrass
LONDON
Harry Potter has been released this week from St. Mungo's Hospital. Mr. Potter was rushed to the hospital two weeks ago after an altercation with an unknown assailant or assailants. Rumors have swirled over recent months that Mr. Potter might have been investigating a recent uptick of crumple-horned snorkack poaching.
The Quibbler sent several requests to St. Mungos for information concerning Mr. Potter's injuries and conditions. They responded with a terse letter explaining that they do not comment on the well-being of their patients.
"It would be an invasion of privacy to do otherwise."
A healer, speaking under the condition of anonymity, stated that Mr. Potter was suffering from amnesia, rickets, lice, and pixie encephalitis.
"It's nothing a few more enemas won't cure," he said. "I've cured the same problem with no less than one hundred and fifty three patients."
Mr. Potter is currently the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. When asked if Mr. Potter would be returning to work, the spokesperson for the Ministry of Magic sent the following response.
"It is the Ministry's policy to only interact with papers of record."
Harry Potter, also known as The Boy Who Lived, is famous for his defeat of the wizard Voldemort. He is also the first wizard in the modern era to decline The Order of Merlin. Mr. Potter is the father of three children, his youngest is in her final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
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