17- New beginnings… chapter seventeen
Being out of the garage and away from the memories of the place was a good thing. Equilibrium.
He woke up Monday morning, did a few laps in the pool, showered and dressed. Called the desk to have an Uber there at one to take him to the clinic, then kicked back having coffee pool side until time to check out and leave.
Getting to the clinic he was shown to examination room three, put down the cane, duffle and laptop to sit on the table. Within minutes Nurse Rachael entered.
"Well, Walter, see you are doing better- at least this time you are coming in under your own power. See you smartly using a cane." She took his temperature, blood pressure and asked him to remove his shirt as the doctor would be in shortly.
Dr. Wilson entered the room, chart in hand. "Walter, how are you feeling? Looks like you have finally understood what 'take it easy' means. Lean forward please and let me see the incision sites. Yes, looks good, still a bit raw, but closed and healing well. Minimal scarring."
"Yes, I have come to realize what 'take it easy' means. Have followed directions to the letter the past six days and it has been worth it."
"Well, I know you will continue your craziness once fully back in action so will be seeing you again in future. You should think about leaving that craziness for younger folk."
"As I said, I don't do crazy. The mathematics, physics, risks were fully calculated prior to any actions taken. What may have looked crazy really wasn't." Walter said.
"Eventually the risks will catch up, Walter, so you will be wheeled in here again sooner or later. You will have to come to the conclusion whether you want to be around for a few decades or not. One calculation off and you may not make it next time. We are very good here, but we can't heal dead- remember that. You can put your shirt back on, and give us a call to set up another check-up in two weeks. That one as good as this one and you will be out of my hair for this round," Dr. Wilson said handing the chart to Nurse Rachael and left.
"Hope you take his words to heart, Walter. Don't forget to call for another appointment in two weeks. Enjoy your day," Nurse Rachael said exiting the room.
Walter grabbed his duffle, laptop case, and cane to leave. He was going to ask the receptionist to call for an Uber to get to the garage, but saw Lynn in the waiting area.
"I am not being self-centered to think you are here to see me, but hope you are," Walter said with a big smile as she stood up when he came through the door.
"Yup, thought you might need a ride to the garage and while you appear to be moving well, easy in and out of a convertible is a good thing," Lynn said with a smile. "Want to walk to the car or wait for me to bring it to the door?"
"A walk with you is good." Walter said. "And you are right- your car is easily spotted no matter how full the parking lot. This is your day off, isn't it?"
"Yup, Monday and Tuesday is my weekend."
"We can go to the garage so I can dump this stuff off, get changed and, if you would like, go someplace nice for that conversation and dinner."
"Off to the garage we go," Lynn said.
"I must admit, the more I am in this car, the more I like it. Quiet, easily handled driver…. I am endeavoring to get conversation started but you seem unusually quiet."
"No, just paying attention to the nutcase drivers- first one that hits my car better make it where I can't get my hands on them," Lynn said with a chuckle. "Here we are, home sweet home, or should I say back to your command center."
Walter got out to open the door and walk in. "The place affects you like that, too? Give me a few minutes while you think of where you would like to go," Walter said heading up to the loft after putting the laptop on his desk by the chess set.
Lynn watched him go up the stairs with cane in one hand other on the bannister, duffle strap over shoulder. She leaned back on the sofa, looking at her hands on her lap. Wonder why he thinks an air clearing conversation is needed especially with her. She thought back to the conversation with Sue over chicken masala. Damaged people. She was certainly damaged goods, Walter on the other hand was maybe troubled, but with the research Sue did he was not damaged… not like she was. And he certainly did not need to get involved with her and her screwed up self.
Having changed to slacks, button shirt and tie, Walter stood at the top of the stairs and watched Lynn for a couple minutes- she was obviously in deep thought. "I see I was wrong to assume things," Walter said quietly. "Thank you for the ride from the clinic." He turned and re-entered the loft. He went to the kitchen to get the coffee started and heard once again that finality of the door closing. He then heard the distinctive sound of the Corvair odd fired engine start up and, while idling he could picture Lynn stuffing her blonde hair under the fedora. He heard no more as the coffee maker started gurgling. He pulled his tie off and unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt. When the coffee was ready he poured a cup and went downstairs to sit at his desk. He looked at the chess set for a moment then placed the pieces back in the sectioned box, each piece to its assigned place then put it and its board back in the cabinet to return to his desk. The replacement laptop awaiting its customization and data loading. An hour passed and not much done so he gave it up, sat back and picked up his coffee cup but it was empty. So he rose and went up to the loft for more. He filled his cup and shut the brewer down and went up the stairs to the roof to sit on the picnic table, feet on the bench to watch the sun set. Once the sun was below the horizon, he stretched out on the picnic table to watch the stars that were visible with the city's light pollution… then dozed off.
He awoke under a blanket.
"Thought you might get cold," Lynn sitting on the picnic table bench said.
He turned his head toward her, "I was not expecting to doze off. What are you doing here?"
"Once again you left the place wide open- door security off," she said. "You like risking yourself like that? When you left here, where did you go?"
"Booked a room at a full service hotel across town from here."
"Why?"
"Had to get away from the garage and all that happened here to think. I needed to get some distance from everything and that included this place, itself."
"And what did six days of distance and thinking accomplish?"
"The basic premise? That the past is past and needs to be used as a lesson or discarded and not let it continue to impact present or future."
"How can you discard your past?"
"To recognize that while it is a part of you, to not let it influence your future. When I was eleven, living on my parent's farm in Ireland, I hacked into NASA. The US government sent armed troops to get the hacker- me- and hauled me off for three days. While my parents and teachers were lost dealing with me to the point of suggesting institutionalizing me, one agent was impressed. He presented me with a new computer and over the years he sent me ciphers, puzzles, codes, encryptions- grooming and indoctrination. In time I was asked if I would like to make a program for delivery of military aid packages. I was overwhelmed at fourteen to be given such a responsibility by the agent I looked to as a father figure. I took it on and stressed speed over accuracy of targeting. I found my programming was used to bomb Bagdad- that lack of accuracy resulted in almost two thousand civilians killed. I still get nightmares over it. I ran from that father figure. Years later, that same agent now working with Homeland needed my help so got once again roped into using my computer skills to help on cases. Those cases impacted my team, brought in the 'human factor' Paige and we all know how THAT worked out. Four years of life threatening cases, seeing people die, not to mention the strife and emotional turmoil within the team that ended up with the demise of my team, business, and me beat up, almost dying to sleep next to a car in my garage. Those are experiences that need to be excised from my future thought processes….. for my own better health and welfare."
"Why would what others do with your programming make you have nightmares?"
"My program, I made it, I fell for the emotional manipulation- my responsibility. Those nightmares have lessened over the years, but they still happen when there are big upheavals in my life. They are the dead and maimed of that bombing of innocents who search for their killers and chase my sister until she is surrounded, overtaken and unspeakable things are done to her until she is totally buried in the bodies." Walter said looking up at the stars again. "With this conversation I will probably get hit with it tonight or tomorrow, so thanks for that."
"Where is your sister, she have such nightmares?"
"Megan was never involved except to try and help me understand people, but I rarely did. She died three years ago from MS. I tried to discover a cure, but obviously failed miserably." Walter murmured, "you never answered my question, again, why are you here?"
"I also had things on my mind so needed some distance, but am happier when not so distanced from this place….. strange, huh?"
"So you like my command center?" Walter asked sitting up to put feet on the picnic table bench next to Lynn and putting the blanket over her shoulders.
"And the commander, to be truthful. Probably more than I should."
"So enlighten me. On self-reflection, actually at a mirror while putting hydrogen peroxide on my scalp stitches I had come to the conclusion I have some toxic aspect others see that I am blind to. So what is it, so that I can try and fix myself so able to comprehend people?"
"Believe me, Walter, there is absolutely nothing wrong or toxic about you," Lynn said. "You ever think it is the OTHER people with the problems?"
"Law of averages will dispute that idea. From parents, neighbors, teachers there has been distancing from me since early childhood. Early adulthood, I gathered together geniuses, others like me, and they also distanced themselves in relatively short order. The first time I opened up to 'emotional aspects' of myself with Paige what happened? She not only left but deliberately destroyed everything I built."
"Richard likes you, Joe, Sue, Tim and Ben like you. I like you."
Walter smirked, "Richard knows the worth of what I do, your crew likes my putting the eggheads in their place- you? That I do not understand as I was less than mannerly or pleasant at times when you were most helpful when I definitely needed help."
"You say you can fix things, can you fix damaged people?"
"I am damaged, I guess, and would like to fix myself- that is why I am trying to shed the past that is the cause of my being damaged."
"Sue says damaged people are difficult, maybe two damaged people can help to fix each other- you think?" Lynn asked.
"Who knows; you going into shock when I took my shirt off is why I always stayed dressed afterward. Even I can tell the results of trauma."
"I told you I was from up-state New York. Small community where my father was a cop on the small force. Mom and Dad divorced and mom went on to have a whole family in Maryland. There, where dad and I were, didn't really need much of a police force in such a place until a gang came into the area. Three girls were grabbed- I was one of them. Gang raped and cut on for two days, longer for Tina and Anna. When the cops finally found us there was a shootout. My father got me out, I was naked and bleeding so he took his jacket and shirt off to cover me, when he rose and turned, he was shot with a high powered rifle- the exit wound spattered my father's blood on me, he was dead before he hit the ground. Seeing your back and waiting for the shot was why I froze. One other officer was killed, three gang members were also dead….. the trial went on and on and all the three of us saw was prying press, pity from neighbors, and looked on like we did something to deserve what happened. Tina suicided before a year was out. Anna moved to Tennessee and found faith- we still keep in touch because we understand each other. She found faith and through her church she found a good man like she never thought she would. A man who took the time, showed her love, gave her understanding and made her whole again and they now have two children."
Lynn looked at Walter then back to her hands on the table. "I resigned myself to being alone. Just the idea of being with a man was out of the picture. Suicide- I could not go that route, so I worked to be the best I could be to make my father proud and when Richard recruited me from MIT I thought I finally made it. Plus it got me away from the whole east coast- can't get any farther away from all that and still be on mainland America. Thought my life of great job, own my home, can count a billionaire as a friend who kept my confidences, fun times with co-workers without getting involved, the cars, racing once in a while, my life was going to be the same year after year..….. then you came along." Lynn looked up at Walter again. "You rocked my world, I actually WANTED to get to know you, be around you, and the more I was the more fascinated and taken by you I was." Her eyes returned to her hands on her lap. "I wrote to Anna that I didn't know what to do. She said talk, communicate my fears. Sue said the same. She does not know the history, just knows there was trauma, but she said the same- talk and how you act, what you say will let me know if I should run or not." She looked up at him again, "like I said, damaged, maybe unfixable."
"Gods," Walter whispered. "There are times one can be ashamed of being a male."
"Walter, there is nothing for you to be ashamed for. You have never done anything but try and be good, help people, stop violence. You are nothing like those animals."
"You can be sure I would never force or abuse anyone especially a woman, and to do bodily harm, gods, I could not imagine people capable of… gods, even the cartel holding Richard's daughter didn't do such things to her." Walter looked at her, "I want to hold you and protect you but am afraid it will scare you. You need to tell me what you need, what I can do, HOW I can fix and make your life better, how I can become part of your life."
"I consciously KNOW there is a difference between the human male animal and the civilized human man. My father was a civilized human man in the highest sense of the word. As a healthy male animal you may have body reactions but as a civilized human man you can control yourself. I want to give myself to you, but am embarrassed- like I said, you are lucky your scars are hardly noticeable- I will never wear a swimsuit. I am scared to experience sex again and how I will react." Lynn laughed, "like I said, broken."
"Ah, Lynn. There is a difference between harsh sex and the mutual satisfaction of making love. In the fullness of time I may make that apparent to you- there is no rush, either getting to the act or during it. Mutual satisfaction, total agreement, to night, next week, next year, we both have all the time in the world. In the meantime, shall we go have dinner, spend time together, play some chess, and get as close as you want. There is so much more to a relationship than intimacy, let's work on those things first."
"You really want to get involved with such damaged goods?"
"Damaged…. aren't we all damaged to some extent?"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX