Life 3:16

Snakepaw and Silverstream managed to return to Riverclan with the aid of the dusk Riverclan patrol. The three patrolling cats took turns carrying the kits while Snakepaw helped Silverstream walk back since she was so weak from kitting. They got settled into the nursery rather quickly, and Snakepaw fetched some borage to help Silverstream produce milk for her kits.

Despite being premature, the kits were healthy and quite active, which was a good sign. Silverstream herself was purring up a storm, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of being a mother. She couldn't see a world without the kits any longer. Meanwhile, Snakepaw checked up on each kit carefully, looking for any muscular issues, sensitivities or insensitivities, reaction speed, breathing, and heartrate. The confirming smile made Silverstream's purring even louder. Her kits were perfectly healthy.

Silverstream, so content in having gotten through this ordeal with all her kits, decided to voice her appreciation to Snakepaw. "I cannot thank you enough Snakepaw. You guided me through my pregnancy and made sure both my kits and I made it out alright. If there had been another kit in the litter, I'd have let you name them, but there was just two." She mewed apologetically.

"Snakepaw nodded nonchalantly. "Don't worry. I get it. Both you and your mate deserved to name them more. Besides, you wouldn't have wanted me to name one anyways. I may be old, but I'm also terrible at naming things. I highly doubt one of your kits would appreciate being called Fluffkit or Sunningkit." Snakepaw joked.

Silverstream couldn't help but let out a laugh at Snakepaw's response. "You really do make things better Snakepaw. Even with your curse, you being here with us is a blessing. I hope you know how much every clan owes you for all you've done."

"They don't owe me a thing. With my age comes the responsibility to act. If anything, I haven't done enough. There still is bigotry between the clans. There's so much hate out there, and some of it I caused. I have the time to fix it, but I haven't managed it. There's so much I should have accomplished by now." Snakepaw replied, appearing more distraught as he spoke.

"Hey. You've done the best you can, and that's all that can ever be asked of you. Just because you're old does not mean that you owe us a thing. If anything, you deserve a break or a retirement more than any cat, and yet you continue to act, to try and benefit us. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to see us make the same mistakes, replay the same stories and never seem to learn our lessons. Any normal cat would have given up long ago, but not you. You're far stronger than any cat I know." Silverstream consoled.

"Sometimes, I'm not that strong." Snakepaw confessed. "It gets to be too much, and I break down."

Silverstream nodded acceptingly. "And that's ok. We can't always power through everything. Eventually, we've all got to take a moment to be weak, to let ourselves feel again. You don't have to be strong for me if you don't want to. I'm willing to lend an ear if you need it."

Snakepaw took a shaky breath to steady himself. "I appreciate the sentiment, but no being alive except maybe two could fully understand what I'm going through. The problems I have simply cannot be fixed. No amount of talking about them will lessen it. Even if I did, my comfort would be fleeting. I can only keep in a life for so long before I'm off to the next where I start again."

"You're lonely." Silverstream simply mewed. "Even with so many cats around you, you feel alone in your existence. I can't imagine it. You run from long term connections because to you, they will be dead and gone with you unchanged. When was the last time you even experienced the comfort of someone sharing a nest with you or the safe feeling of another cat grooming you?" Silverstream queried.

Snakepaw was shaking, his voice quivering in response. "Please do not tempt me with this. I gave that up long ago. I do remember those times I let the temptations win and to feel the warmth and joy from being embraced, but I also more distinctly remember the pain that followed when I cared too much for them, when they went to where I cannot go. It's… better this way. If I keep my distance, don't let myself get too attached, I can keep my façade up, keep smiling when they need me to and play the part I am supposed to."

"And did it work out the way you hoped? Did you manage to remain unattached?" Silverstream pressed.

"I tried…" Snakepaw rebutted, his voice weakening, telling Silverstream everything she needed to know.

"And yet it fails. You still get attached and feel that pain you were trying so hard to avoid. The only thing you're denying yourself is the joy you could be having. Keeping at paw's length isn't helping you. It's only hurting you." Silverstream stated. Snakepaw was a trembling mess by this point, his form hunched and his fur haggard with emotion.

"Why don't you curl up with me. Stay in this nest for the night. I'm sure Mudfur won't mind. You could use some maternal attention, and thankfully for you, there's a certain queen fresh with kits that needs some practice." Silverstream lightly teased.

Snakepaw conceded to her command, curling up with the new queen's kits. Silverstream curled around them, giving Snakepaw a warm body to press against. To Snakepaw, it felt heavenly. He was still upset by their conversation, but Silverstream set herself to grooming him, tugging out all that stress with each passing lick. Soon, Snakepaw was out, blissfully dreaming of the times he let himself get attached before. While Silverstream herself would never be one of the cats he'd consider one of his closest connections, she'd awakened the memories of the ones who had. There had been so many cats Snakepaw met and established a connection with over his many lives. Some were maternal or paternal to him. Some were friendships able to surpass his short lives. Even then, some managed to touch upon love and romance, never actually growing into something real due to Snakepaw's immortal condition, but he still remembered them all the same and what could have been had he not been cursed to never grow up. Not that Snakepaw was conscious enough to even contemplate this. He was blissfully unaware as his memories played a highlights reel of some of his deepest connections. The latest was of another apprentice just like him who sought solace in Snakepaw to avoid ostracism. That same flicker of romance had been between the two. Snakepaw could still remember the warm smile that apprentice bore for him that always looked a little goofy with how the tip of his tail always set cocked at an odd angle. Another spark prematurely snuffed out.