Author's note: don't own anything and well this is fully a flashback set in season 11. Hope you enjoy!
Derek sat at the kitchen counter, wondering for perhaps the thousandth time that if maybe he had looked around hard enough in the lab in DC, he would have found a government-funded covert time machine op somewhere in the physics department.
Maybe he could have discovered it hidden in the corners.
Maybe he could have used it.
That, that would decidedly fix the huge mess he had created. The huge mess DC had created.
He had managed to fuck it all up so perfectly well. His marriage, his family, his friends, his patients.
He had come back convinced that he could fix everything, fix it all. He had an epiphany. A revelation. He knew, now, what truly mattered.
His children. His family. Her. Most of all, her.
He couldn't do any of this without her. He didn't know how to exist without her.
How could he be anything at all if he didn't have her?
Miraculously, she had given him another chance. She could live without him, she had told him, she was just choosing not to.
He could do that, he could work with that.
Except, now two weeks later, he felt as if they hadn't made any real progress at all.
They tiptoed around each other, barely conversing, barely acknowledging each other's presence, using the children as buffers. What little they talked about spiralled into ugly, hateful arguments.
They had woken up the kids on more than one occasion with their screaming matches. His sister had been spending a lot of time in the trailer. And now, Hunt had moved out of it so Derek could have a 'place to go to'.
He snorted inwardly at that.
Yeah, yeah, well, at least the trailer's bed would be better for his back than the living room sofa.
He was just..so tired.
What he had done was inexcusable, but he was starting to fear that maybe his wife thought that it was also irredeemable.
He tried not to think about that because every time the thought crossed his mind, an overwhelming panic started to overtake his body, his mind. It made him lose all control over himself. And when he already felt like his life was a semi-truck barrelling down the highway destined to destroy itself and everyone in its path, he certainly did not like to feel the incessant anxiety.
So he avoided it instead.
It would be fine. They would survive this. Their marriage would survive this.
Right?
Derek sighed deeply, resting his head on his arms, staring blankly at the empty scotch glass when he heard the front door open.
"Hey.", Derek mumbled, sitting up.
She moved silently, not meeting his eyes. He'd seen her briefly in the morning before going in for a shower. Clad in her navy blazer and white shirt, she looked much the same except her hair was pulled up haphazardly in a loose bun, held together by a pen.
"The kids?"
"Asleep.", he watched Meredith put her stuff on the couch and slowly, hesitantly approach him.
Probably not him, per se, just the kitchen.
"Do you want me to heat up the leftovers? I made lasagna."
"I'm not..hungry.", her fingers nervously tapped the surface of the counter, her eyes studying his empty glass. He didn't push, neither of them had much of an appetite lately. The lasagna was just for the kids, really. And Amy, if she turned up. He preferred the sting of the alcohol, anyway.
"Do you want a drink?"
She paused, finally meeting his eyes. He noticed the heavy bags under her eyes, mirroring his. The droop of her shoulders. The mascara slightly smudged.
Had she..had she been crying?
The pain was so evident in her green eyes, that it made him want to lay down and sob. Or bat beer cans into the woods and use himself as the target.
He had done that. He was responsible for that.
Damn it. How do I fix this, please, I have to fix this.
"No, I'm tired, I think I'm going to turn in.", he wanted to ask her about her day, he wanted to tell her about his. He wanted to hold her. To take away all the pain. To kiss her so thoroughly that she would, momentarily, forget about all the hurt. He just wanted her to be okay.
"Hmm."
He studied the floor, hands fisted together. She was conceding, he understood that. She was letting it go before they'd inevitably spiral into another fight.
She would blame him for leaving, he would counter that she had asked him to leave. He would tell her he felt cornered, she would tell him his ego had ruined everything. She would bring up the horrible things he had said, he would bring up her inherent inability to open up to him.
And it would go on and on. Endlessly. It was like every fight was a replica of an older one. Old, unhealed wounds were being ripped open. His mistakes and hers. Their losses and their grief. If this continued, they'd forever be stuck. In limbo. Just like this. Hurting. Alone.
He'd floated the idea of couple's therapy and they had both mutually agreed to it after some resistance on Meredith's part. He hoped their session in three days would bring with it some clarity. He hoped.
"You didn't go to DC.", he had been so lost in thought, that he hadn't noticed Meredith return. She'd changed into her pyjamas, the make-up scrubbed off.
"No. I didn't."
He was scheduled to be in DC today to offer his official resignation and provide the recommendations for the job. He had been packed, showered and ready to go except he had just not been able to get to his car. To get off his bed. He'd sat there for hours in his suit, staring at the clock, waiting. Until it was futile for him to try to leave. No matter how fast he drove or what shortcut he took, he would miss his flight. So the logical thing to do then would be to not go.
Instead, he'd picked up the children and spent the day with them. And then spent the rest of the day sending emails to the White House, convincing them that he could resign without being physically present. After numerous team meetings, emails and phone calls, he had managed to do just that.
When he had, eventually, texted Meredith about his change in plans, she had replied with a single, curt 'Ok'.
So her talking about it right now was a bit unexpected, to say the least.
She hadn't said anything about the..incident. Not since the first night of his being back. Not even to throw it in his face during arguments.
She moved closer to him, slowly, almost next to him, now. He angled his body toward hers, bridging the distance hesitantly. Derek looked down into her eyes, waiting for her to continue.
"You didn't go to DC.", she echoed.
He had no idea where this conversation was going, all he could comprehend was that she was in his space now, the smell of lavender overwhelming his senses.
Was she intentionally moving closer? They hadn't even kissed since his return, too scared, perhaps, of it all falling apart at the seams. He had watched her purposefully dodge his touch these past few days so he was sure that her hand on his right now was not a mistake. It wasn't the alcohol playing tricks on him. He knew his wife. He knew her.
"Meredith-", he whispered hoarsely. If he had any doubts about her intentions they disappeared as soon as his eyes met hers. He knew that look, every cell in his body was well-versed with that look. It was their look. She was giving him their look.
She hadn't looked at him like that for so long. Everytime she looked at him like that he was like putty in her hands. Every single time.
Her thumb was running small circles on his palm and he could feel his heart pounding out of his chest.
"Mer-", he hated the uncertainty he felt for wanting to kiss his wife. But it was all a trap of his doing. He had made his bed, and now he had to lay in it.
"Derek.", she called out his name firmly. Definitively. And all the apprehension in his mind vanished. He wasn't sure then who moved first but suddenly her lips were on his and his hands were on her waist, pushing their bodies into each other.
The kiss was hungry, sloppy, desperate. Her hands pulled at his hair forcefully. She pushed him backwards till his back was pressing into the counter as her kisses grew wilder down his neck. Her teeth scraped his skin, her tongue following suit to diminish the sting. She was going to leave a mark. He didn't care. He didn't care. She could claim his as hers however she deemed fit. He was hers. Solely hers.
Derek flipped them around, fingers working on the buttons of her pyjama shirt. She batted his hands away before he could get beyond the first two to put hers under his shirt to pull it off. He chuckled at her impatience as her hands came up to rest on his chest. His breath hitched at her touch, her eyes softened as she reached up to find his lips again. This kiss was nothing like the ones before. It was gentle, slow. Like it was a habit. Like they'd been kissing each other forever.
He smiled against her mouth, hooking his fingers underneath her thighs and lifting her up to the countertop. She let out a surprised moan at his actions which only fuelled him further. He started pressing open-mouthed kisses on her neck, down her shoulder, under her jaw. He was covered in her smell, god, he wished he could live like this. Just as an extension of her. He could live like that forever.
"God, Mer, I missed you so much.", he muttered into the crook of her neck, finally managing to get all of the buttons opened. His mouth travelled down then, exploring, relearning. He nibbled, he licked, he bit. Damn it, he could never get enough of her.
Meredith's legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him in as close as he could get. He straightened up, then, to push the shirt off her shoulders and his hand reached out to caress her face only to find it damp.
"Meredith-"
"Why did you stop?"
Silent tears were rolling down her face, eyes forced shut.
What was it? What-what had he done?
"Mer-", his thumbs wiped away at her cheeks, asking, begging, wondering.
"I don't want you to stop, Derek.", her voice cracked at his name. She still wouldn't look at him, eyes firmly closed. The tears continued unrelenting.
"Please, Mer, what is it?"
She looked at him with glassy eyes, her lip trembling, the dam about to burst.
He didn't understand, he didn't understand. How had he done this? How could he make it better?
Derek disentangled his body from hers, receding quietly.
"I just- I-", she started suddenly, hands clutching at his shoulders not letting him get away. "I just want my husband to fuck me.", his body flinched at her crude phrasing.
He must have done something to make her so upset. He must have done something. He just needed it to be something tangible so he could fix it, so he could make her feel better.
"Mer, what do I do?"
"I just told you! Fuck me."
"Not like this. You're upset."
"I am fine." her quivering voice contradicted her words.
Derek corrected her shirt and pulled away to find his.
She huffed angrily and hopped off the countertop, walking away to the bedroom without even a glimpse in his direction.
Fuck. Fuck.
He thought they were making progress. He thought he could convey all that he felt through his touch if he couldn't with his words. Instead he had somehow managed to make it worse.
He stepped into the bedroom and saw her on her side of the bed, her arm covering her eyes.
He settled on the edge, next to her, shakily.
"Sleep on the couch tonight.", the dampness of her cheeks sparkled under the rays of the nightlamp.
She was decidedly not fine.
"No, we should talk."
"There's nothing to talk about, just leave me alone." she turned on her side, facing away from him. Derek timidly touched her shoulder forcing her to turn back to him but she wouldn't budge.
"How do- what do I do to help, Mer?"
A suffocating silence enveloped the room. They stayed like that, stuck in the moment for a while until Meredith spoke, barely above a whisper," You kissed another woman."
He gulped bitterly but made no moves to rebut her. He knew better than that.
She sat up to face him, hands nervously fidgeting with the end of her shirt.
"You kissed another woman, Derek."
"Mer, I-"
"Did you like kissing her?", she asked flatly, extremely matter-of-factly. Like she was enquiring about a routine surgery. Like she was asking him if he'd picked up the groceries. While he felt thoroughly sucker punched.
"Meredith, what, how could I ever-"
She inhaled sharply, getting off the bed suddenly to pace in front of him.
"Were you in love with her?"
It was like he had been hit by a ton of bricks, it was like a piano sized weight had been dropped right onto the centre of his chest.
"No, Meredith, I love you. You're the love of my life. You are everything. I love you.", he repeated, closing the distance between them.
She put her hand up to stop him from advancing.
"No, don't do that. Don't McDreamy me. You always do that and I always fold."
His face fell at her words. He wasn't trying to charm her, he wasn't attempting to sway her to his side.
He was just…stating the facts. The sun rose, the sun set, he loved Meredith Grey. It was the simple fact of his life.
"I'm not.", he shook his head. "I told you she kissed me, I stopped it and came back home immediately. To you. Came back home to you.", Meredith closed her eyes, pressing her palms to them.
"I've been going over this in my head again and again."
She stopped her back and forth to stare up at the ceiling.
"-And I just can't.", Meredith exhaled, muttering something under her breath. "You..you would never just kiss someone, Derek. There must have been something. You must have felt something. For her.", her voice cracked at the end. His heart did, too.
"No.", he denied emphatically. "Meredith, there was nothing, I swear to you. I felt absolutely nothing for her. She kissed me."
"But kisses don't just happen! There is..you must have made her feel something."
"I didn't. I worked with her, that's all."
"Well, once upon a time you probably said the same thing about me, right?"
"That was different, you know that.", he perched himself on the edge of the bed, defeated. She crossed her arms defiantly.
"How was it different, Derek? Your marriage with Addison got hard so you moved here, and you met me."
"Meredith.", they'd had this conversation before, or at least some version of it. His marriage with Addison was nothing like his marriage to her. What he felt for her he had never imagined feeling for anyone. Seattle had changed everything. She had changed everything.
He heaved, putting his head in his hands.
"Our marriage got hard, so you ran.", he looked up at her words, the hostility radiating off her.
"You told me to leave.", he replied bitterly. No matter how hard he tried, his anger always won and invariably managed to destroy everything in its path.
"You resented me for asking you to stay!", Derek got to his feet, meeting her dark eyes, mimicking her stance.
"You pushed me away! You didn't want me here, you made that very clear. You only asked me to stay to prove a point. To yourself, to me, to your mother, to Cristina, I don't know to whom but that's why you did it.", it was a low blow, he knew that. It would all explode now, he knew that, too but he also hadn't been able to help himself.
"Right, yes, I am just like my mother, and I drove you away like she did with my father."
"I didn't mean that, Meredith. I was angry and I said things I regret."
"Oh, you meant it. You always mean it.", there was no malice in her voice, just despair. He'd made her believe he meant all those terrible things. He had convinced her. How was he supposed to go back to what it used to be like? How could they go back after this?
An oppressive silence filled the room, weighing heavily on their shoulders.
"Did you even want to come back or did you just do it to fulfil this need you have to be a good guy. To do the right thing.", she hadn't framed it like a question, she hadn't meant to, he concluded.
He pushed himself against the wall across from her, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"Meredith, I came back because I love you. Because I can't live without you. I put my job over you, over our family, I made mistakes and, I want to fix them.", her eyes softened at his words, inhaling deeply.
"Just..just make me understand, Derek. I pushed you away, you were lonely and unhappy and you met a woman. You met a woman and you..enjoyed her company? But then you decide to go back to your wife because that was the right thing to do. Doesn't that sound awfully familiar to you?"
He deflated at her words. Maybe what he had done was irreparable. Maybe it was too late.
"What do I do, Mer. How do I-how do I regain your trust?"
"Be honest with me."
"Okay. Okay, what do you want to..know?", she sat down on the bed, facing him.
"I know we've been over this but..what happened? How-how did it happen?"
"I hated the apartment, I missed you and the kids so I'd stay longer at the lab."
"And so would she?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?"
"Why would she stay longer?"
"I don't know, Meredith. How would I know?"
"Did she stay because of you? For you?"
"No, no.", he shook his head vehemently, "I didn't even know who she was."
"There must have been a reason, then. Something that made her stay."
"I suppose she was committed to the work. She had a brother with autism and she wanted..answers."
"So you did talk."
"Meredith, no, barely-"
"Enough to know what compelled her to become a neuroscientist."
She pinched the bridge of her nose, and somehow her body sank further into the bed. She looked tiny engulfed by that huge bed. Defeated. Exhausted. He assumed he looked much the same, if not worse.
"You won't even give me an inch, Mer. Everytime I try to come near you, to talk to you, you bolt. I fucked up, Meredith, I know that. I broke something between us. But how am I supposed to mend it if you won't even let me try."
"How am I supposed to do that, Derek, when every time you come close to me, I see you kissing her.", she laughed hollowly. "And imagine how-how difficult that must be considering I don't even know what she looks like!"
His stomach sank. He remembered what that was like. Imagining your spouse with someone else, repeatedly, hatefully. But more than that, he remembered how positively eviscerated he had felt at the idea of another man touching her. Anyone but him.
It was torture.
And he had been the one to unleash it upon her. On Meredith.
"Let me put it this way then, did you enjoy talking to her?", she began after a beat.
"Meredith, it isn't like that-"
"Yes or no, Derek."
"It was-"
"You owe me this. You owe me the truth."
He paused, taking her in. She was right. He did owe her the truth. Especially after the pain he had caused. Was causing her.
"Yes, I guess..I suppose I did. But only, in a professional capacity."
"You were who I wanted to talk to. Every time, I'd any make any sort of progress, you were the only person I wanted to talk to but you-you never called Meredith, you barely picked up when I did or you just passed the phone to the kids. You didn't want to talk to me at all.", he wasn't trying to blame her, he was just trying to make her understand.
"So you found someone else who'd listen to you?"
"No, that's not what I mean!", how did his words always get so twisted, taken so wrongly out of context?
She crossed her legs under herself, and pushed her body backwards, her skull landing on the headboard with a thud. He watched as the tears resurfaced, falling down her cheeks incessantly.
Derek moved towards her reticently.
"You broke your promise."
"I know, Mer, I know. But I will do it this time. I'll step back, I'll take care of the kids."
He sat down next to her distraught form, his heart crumbling. He felt tears welling up in his eyes as he looked at her, unable to touch her, to comfort her.
"No, Derek, not that. You ran. You broke this promise.", she pointed at the piece of paper hung up on their bedroom wall.
"You promised you wouldn't but you did."
No running. Nobody walks out. No matter what happens.
The tears he had been trying so hard to keep at bay burst forth, streaming down his cheeks.
"Please, I..I- please, let me fix this, Meredith.", he reached out for her hand, relief flooding him when she didn't pull away.
"We promised each other forever. Forever, Mer.", he squeezed her hand as it lay limp in his hold.
She didn't say a word instead choosing to stare at the wall, her face contorted in distress.
"You know, I didn't lose a single patient when you were gone. Eighty-nine surgeries and not a single bad outcome. Eighty-nine. I was a good doctor. A great doctor."
Derek felt Meredith's body shaking under his hand.
"But today, today I was a terrible doctor."
He waited for her to continue, he knew there was something she was getting to.
"I neglected my patients, I was distracted, hell, I skipped a surgery to go cry in the on-call room.", she scoffed humourlessly.
His head spun at her admission.
"I-", she took a deep breath, attempting to gather herself amidst all the tears. "I spent the whole day waiting for a phone call to tell me you'd decided to stay back in DC. That you weren't coming back. That this was over."
"And that made me a terrible doctor today."
"Meredith, why would you think that? I would never- I know I said things, before. And I know I have acted like a complete asshole but I.. I wouldn't just abandon our family."
Her hand was still in his, their bodies inches apart yet he could feel the incredible distance between them. It was as if they were on opposite ends of the ocean. He just-just wanted to reach her.
He moved his hand to her shoulder, asking wordlessly for her to look at him. If she'd just look at him, she would see what she meant to him. She would see how sorry he truly was for all he had done.
When she didn't bat his hand away, he risked shifting toward her and gently, slowly let his fingers caress her face.
"Mer, please, look at me."
His thumb trailed the inside of her jaw, while he used wiped her tears away with the pads of fingers.
Eventually, she met his eyes.
Home. That's how he felt every time her green eyes were on him. Home.
She was his home.
He hoped she saw that. He hoped he could be that for her again.
How had he even considered uprooting, destroying his home? Because from the despair obvious in her eyes, he had destroyed a whole lot.
Suddenly he felt her trembling as unceasing sobs wracked her body, her breathing turning ragged.
Her shoulders continued to shake violently as Derek moved closer to her, instinctively, wrapping himself around her. He aligned her body to his side, coiling his arm around her back, using the other to pull her into him.
"Meredith, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.", an anguished wail left her at his words.
She was in so much pain. He had caused her so much pain.
He rested his atop hers as she muffled her cries into his chest.
He chanted her name, rubbing her back gingerly, trying to ease her pain, trying to take it all upon himself.
She clutched at his shirt tightly like her life depended on it.
His, certainly, did. He could feel his heart failing watching her, feeling her fall apart.
Slowly, after what felt like an eternity of suffering, Meredith's sobs lessened, turning into subdued sniffles.
Her arm was still around his torso, her head on his chest with his arms still holding her. Neither of them tried to move away or disentangle from each other.
He dared not to make a move or say anything, afraid of pushing her over the edge again.
"I thought, I thought I was fine, that none of this affected me but I-", he gazed at her, anxiously waiting for her to finish.
She lifted herself up, staring at him. Looking right through him.
"But I, I'm drowning, Derek. All of this..is drowning me."
He froze, taking in the weight of her confession, his hand ceased the ministrations in her hair and it was as if his brain just stopped functioning.
"What-what does that mean?", he finally managed with a lump the size of Texas in his throat.
What did that mean for them?
"I don't know.", she rested her head on his chest again, whispering, her palm on his palpitating heart. "I just-I can't drown, Derek."
It hurt to think, it hurt to swallow, it hurt to breathe.
He was drowning her, she didn't say. She didn't have to. He understood. He had been right here once. Right here. Drowning. Flailing. Unable to breathe.
And she had saved him. All these years, she had been his saving grace. His breath of fresh air.
Except he had become the exact opposite for her.
He was drowning her?
He was drowning her.
She would take him back. From the way she had settled into him, he could tell. From the way she hadn't pushed his body away, he could tell. From the way she had shared her feelings, he could tell that she would take him back. She always did.
But he was drowning her.
As the gravity of that statement settled in, an extraordinary panic seized him.
Oh, God, what had he done?
The things he had said. The things he had done. The ways he had hurt her. Not just now, not just DC. Always.
The things he had said.
"I gave up everything for you!"
"That was everything for you?"
"You sound just like your mother."
The things he had done.
"You kissed another woman, Derek."
"You don't get to call me a whore!"
The ways he had hurt her.
"So now I'm going to be a bad mother, that's where we're going with this?"
"You've been saying it for weeks, maybe you're right."
"Whose Rose?"
"I met a woman."
Constantly, persistently inflicting pain.
"There's no fixing you! You're a lemon."
"Just..don't hurt her again."
"I was in love with you, you didn't tell me you had a wife!"
Always. Always.
All he had done for years was hurt her. Cause her pain.
She was right, he had always made it about himself. His needs, his problems, his dreams. Him.
"This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me-!"
He needed to get away, he needed- he needed to-
He could feel his body getting hotter, his pulse thrashing rapidly against his neck.
This wasn't right. This couldn't be right.
The walls were closing in on him, his vision tunnelling.
"I love you, Meredith Grey and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
He could feel his throat close up on him, his hands trembling against her body.
He carefully disentangled himself from her. At some point her sobs had transformed into snores. She was still holding onto him. After all of that, she was still holding onto him.
"To love each other even when we hate each other."
"This is forever."
And he had drowned her.
He needed air, he needed to breathe.
He found himself hurrying outside the house into the open woods.
Air, he just needed some air.
"You were like coming up for fresh air, it was like I was drowning and you saved me."
His legs buckled under him before he could get beyond the deck, his lungs craving oxygen.
He had to- he had to-
He put his head between his legs, his hands now shaking uncontrollably. He anchored them into his hair to lessen the quakes.
He took in gulps of air, and somehow still found himself struggling to breathe.
His brain continued to sway. Continued to run at a thousand miles an hour.
"If I was a better guy, I'd walk away."
"In the long run, I never would have made her happy."
"No, right now, you're just the guy who screwed over my friend."
"He's the better guy, Meredith."
He had been selfish. So selfish.
He had always been aware of his fallacies, of his inherent faults. Yet he hadn't walked away. Even after he had been repeatedly told to do so. By everybody.
His stomach roiled at the memories, the alcohol he had for dinner rising up in his throat.
"You're what happened to her."
"And you don't care about the damage you do to her along the way."
She had been right, perhaps.
Her mother had been right. He'd been fighting her for months, refuting her claims, denying her accusations but maybe Ellis Grey's words had had some truth to them.
He had never intended to hurt her but he had done it all the same.
He had hurt her so much. His brain kept looping around that. Over and over and over again.
He couldn't- he wouldn't hurt her anymore.
Enough. He had done enough.
"I got all whole and healed and you don't show up."
He had to stop. He had to stop.
He had to be the better man. Even if he was too late, he had to let her go.
"I don't have a story I'm just a girl in a bar."
"And I'm just a guy in a bar."
He had to.
A/N: hi, I'm back so soon! Anyway like I said this chapter was also mostly done.
And so this pretty much explains how it went down for them. Though I have a flashback from Mer's pov and things will be clearer then but you can get how Mer feels more betrayed and Derek feels more guilty.
It made sense to me that Derek being depressed would react this way. And I do think he was depressed in s11 possibly since Mark died but they never showed it, such a great missed opportunity *sigh*
I hope you like this and please let me know what you thought of it! This chapter I actually had planned out since the beginning of the story so i'd love some feedback.
Bye, please take care!